Engagement issues already....

[Wishing on a star]

Nope...
Just a big PSA....

I noted that the horsebeaters still have this page one...
Def. not reading or following or responding.
THE HORSE IS DEAD.
I repeat... THE HORSE IS DEAD.
(Elvis has left the building!!!!)

 

[mom2rtk]

Nope...
Just a big PSA....

I noted that the horsebeaters still have this page one...
Def. not reading or following or responding.
THE HORSE IS DEAD.
I repeat... THE HORSE IS DEAD.
(Elvis has left the building!!!!)

It hadn't been posted on in over 2 hours So you chose to bump it up?

 

[Nancyg56]

Nope...
Just a big PSA....

I noted that the horsebeaters still have this page one...
Def. not reading or following or responding.
THE HORSE IS DEAD.
I repeat... THE HORSE IS DEAD.
(Elvis has left the building!!!!)

If you are not reading, how would you even know what is being discussed now? You should know that thread topics change page after page. I don't know why people feel compelled to pop onto a thread to simply disparage it. If you cannot contribute, why post?

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Perhaps the fact that you are not familiar with customs in the US explains why so many on this thread can see why the groom's mother may have concerns about the date, whereas you don't see that those concerns may very well be valid. It's obvious that you would have no problem with the situation as you imagine it, which is great. However, those of us who can see the myriad of possibilities that may cause problems have valid viewpoints as well. Perhaps weddings and graduations have the potential to be more elaborate here, even though certainly not all are.

I'm 49 years old & I don't know a single person who was thrown an elaborate college graduation party by their parents. its definitely outside the norm where I live.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I'm 49 years old & I don't know a single person who was thrown an elaborate college graduation party by their parents. its definitely outside the norm where I live.

Rather than have a party, our family, friends & DH & I all take our college graduates on a big trip of their choosing. Obviously, we wouldn't be doing that, if we had two kids getting married two months apart. Who knows what this mom would normally do? I just know DH & I couldn't do the trip & two weddings that close together.

 

[roseaster]

I'm 49 years old & I don't know a single person who was thrown an elaborate college graduation party by their parents. its definitely outside the norm where I live.

I'm 46. Same here, but also the same here for high school graduations. I had 2 (twins) graduate this year. I really didn't find it that stressful. Graduation parties in our area are more of the back yard BBQ type event.

Leading up to graduation the only even they had immediately prior to graduation was a senior banquet and that is for students and teachers only. So nothing for me to do other than finance 2 more outfits LOL.

Now, I am not a big wedding person, shoot I had 2 kids before I got married, so a big wedding seemed a little ridiculous to me, but wedding here are becoming 3 day affairs, and bachelorette/bachelor parties are now trips.

So the wedding party has a shower, a bridal tea, a bachelor/bachelorette party, a rehearsal dinner, a wedding, a reception, and after party, and then a brunch. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, I can't imagine doing it or putting it all together.

I have FIVE girls. I am hoping they all decide to go the small and destination route.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm 46. Same here, but also the same here for high school graduations. I had 2 (twins) graduate this year. I really didn't find it that stressful. Graduation parties in our area are more of the back yard BBQ type event.

Leading up to graduation the only even they had immediately prior to graduation was a senior banquet and that is for students and teachers only. So nothing for me to do other than finance 2 more outfits LOL.

For my high school and college graduations we had it at my mom's house with a picnic/bbq style. We had picked up a two trays of cold cut sandwich trays from our local grocery store and others from my family brought sides potluck style. Cost associated was very low. This was the exact same for both graduations.

Our senior banquet was held by the school a few days before school ended which was 2 weeks earlier than the other grades for seniors was no cost to students or their parents. It was only with the other students and your parents (they didn't want the whole family coming so it was more or less limited with how many guests who were allowed).

Other families did other things for sure in regards to high school graduations (some did room buyouts at restaurants, some had graduation trips (though there was already a senior trip that had already happened during spring break), some didn't do anything but for my family it was far from a tedious affair; not assuming the mother of the groom is treating it as a tedious affair don't have any idea what kind of event they planned for the groom's graduation.

 

[roseaster]

For my high school and college graduations we had it at my mom's house with a picnic/bbq style. We had picked up a two trays of cold cut sandwich trays from our local grocery store and others from my family brought sides potluck style. Cost associated was very low. This was the exact same for both graduations.

Our senior banquet was held by the school a few days before school ended which was 2 weeks earlier than the other grades for seniors was no cost to students or their parents. It was only with the other students and your parents (they didn't want the whole family coming so it was more or less limited with how many guests who were allowed).

Other families did other things for sure in regards to high school graduations (some did room buyouts at restaurants, some had graduation trips (though there was already a senior trip that had already happened during spring break), some didn't do anything but for my family it was far from a tedious affair; not assuming the mother of the groom is treating it as a tedious affair don't have any idea what kind of event they planned for the groom's graduation.

That is the problem. We don't know what else the MOG has on her plate, time wise and financially around the time of her daughter's wedding. Like I said earlier, it is possible that her daughter is planning a giant, elaborate wedding and the MOG went along with it never figuring that her son would plan a wedding on the heels of his sister's. Or maybe she has a huge end of the year tax bill due, or maybe she has to work weekends and is limited on the amount of weekend time she can request off. (I worked a job where I had to work every other weekend and couldn't take vacation time on the weekend, I had to find someone to switch with me, and if you called out on a weekend you were required to make it up the following weekend) Maybe the MOG has a huge end of the year property tax bill due. Who knows?

The OP is excited and sees all the fun of planning a wedding because she doesn't have the stress of trying to find the extra time or money. She perceived the MOG as being "difficult" and sucking the fun out of it. The MOG maybe totally stressed wondering how she is going to do this, or maybe feeling horribly guilty because she won't be able to contribute to her son's wedding in the way that she would like or feels is fair.

 

[Nancyg56]

That is the problem. We don't know what else the MOG has on her plate, time wise and financially around the time of her daughter's wedding. Like I said earlier, it is possible that her daughter is planning a giant, elaborate wedding and the MOG went along with it never figuring that her son would plan a wedding on the heels of his sister's. Or maybe she has a huge end of the year tax bill due, or maybe she has to work weekends and is limited on the amount of weekend time she can request off. (I worked a job where I had to work every other weekend and couldn't take vacation time on the weekend, I had to find someone to switch with me, and if you called out on a weekend you were required to make it up the following weekend) Maybe the MOG has a huge end of the year property tax bill due. Who knows?

The OP is excited and sees all the fun of planning a wedding because she doesn't have the stress of trying to find the extra time or money. She perceived the MOG as being "difficult" and sucking the fun out of it. The MOG maybe totally stressed wondering how she is going to do this, or maybe feeling horribly guilty because she won't be able to contribute to her son's wedding in the way that she would like or feels is fair.

Exactly. We all know if this situation would present a problem for us, or if we could breeze though it. Some us us would be able to manage, even if it was a struggle, some of us would be stressed beyond belief. The truth is that those people who are so sure the MIL is just a control freak who wants to give her DD a year, have no idea if this is so. As others have pointed out, the information has been filtered through the OP, who has a dog in the race. What I still cannot understand is why anyone would question why the MIL is feeling stressed about this wedding. She is. Why is her own business, and since the son has decided to plan his wedding regardless, the couple needs to accept that they are partly responsible for this. It does not need to be a bad thing, but it is a reality. If the MOB wants to help her daughter to be accepted with open arms into this family without any of the hard feelings that could be going, she needs to stop venting about MOG, and smooth any problem areas out.

When my DD and DSIL planned their wedding we decided to pay for it. She was the first to marry and we wanted to help. They did not want a huge wedding and their plans fit reasonably into our budget. We did not ask DSIL family for financial assistance, they were just invited. No shower. We never even got a response from MOG, so finally I called. Turns out she was upset that we could afford a wedding for our DD. What????? I guess in her family the kids all have to pay for their own weddings, and she knew the couple would not have had the money so she resented the help they got. She did not have money to help pay so we should not have had it either. (If she was married to my DH she would have. He is a saver, and I am along for that ride!!!) I did not understand but that was her reasoning. To this day my DD is blamed for any good fortune they have and any good choices they make. Anyway, though all of this I never say anything about the MOG. I see no reason to fan flames any higher than they get without my help. I do not understand the mentality, but ths woman is my DSIL mother and the grandmother of my beautiful DGD, and no matter her behavior, I remember that.

If I look at the posts by the MOB, I think she is doing her DD and future DSIL a disservice. Instead of trying to find common ground, she has indicated that the MOG has no stake in this wedding. See, she might want to look at it as a marriage instead of a wedding. The couple begins the real journey together after they are married, and if they go into it treating the grooms mother as an accessory there is going to be touble later on. He may think he is okay with placing his family on the sidelines, but you can take it to the bank that may likely change when their lives change. The best gift MOB can give to her DD is the gift of treating the MOG with respect. If she continues acting like the MOG should wear beige and fade away, she may be paying for a divorce is a few years.

 

[wonderlandwego]

I'm 49 years old & I don't know a single person who was thrown an elaborate college graduation party by their parents. its definitely outside the norm where I live.

They are where I am from. Usually decorated and catered events with friends and family, 100 guests is not unusual. People bring gifts. Kind of a "Sending off/Welcome to adulthood" so to speak.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

That is the problem. We don't know what else the MOG has on her plate, time wise and financially around the time of her daughter's wedding. Like I said earlier, it is possible that her daughter is planning a giant, elaborate wedding and the MOG went along with it never figuring that her son would plan a wedding on the heels of his sister's. Or maybe she has a huge end of the year tax bill due, or maybe she has to work weekends and is limited on the amount of weekend time she can request off. (I worked a job where I had to work every other weekend and couldn't take vacation time on the weekend, I had to find someone to switch with me, and if you called out on a weekend you were required to make it up the following weekend) Maybe the MOG has a huge end of the year property tax bill due. Who knows?

The OP is excited and sees all the fun of planning a wedding because she doesn't have the stress of trying to find the extra time or money. She perceived the MOG as being "difficult" and sucking the fun out of it. The MOG maybe totally stressed wondering how she is going to do this, or maybe feeling horribly guilty because she won't be able to contribute to her son's wedding in the way that she would like or feels is fair.

To be real honest though most posts here are under the assumption that there is going to be a real wedding affair, real graduation affair, the couple is heaping on loads of responsibility to the mother of the groom unfairly, etc. That's really the gist that is coming across. Any time someone tries to interject and say "hey mine wasn't this big ole grand thing or hey she may not be spending a huge amount of planning time or hey the couple should be able to pick their date, or any other thoughts they are told "yeah well....the mother of the groom this the mother of the groom that, two months is just too soon (more on the principle of the time frame without actually knowing what will all be going on in the wedding planning), etc.

There are also many assumptions made on both sides for the actual involvement (financial, time, energy, emotional, etc) each respective family will have in the wedding itself.

No one is actually wrong here.

What it really feels like it that there are all the excuses in the book given for why the mother of the groom is absolutely right in asking for her son to change his date without knowing any of the details leading up to the whole interaction nor the events (both weddings and both graduations). Now I'm not saying those excuses aren't valid at all just that there are an abudance of them.

Isn't the saying it's not what you say but how you say it? That seems to be something largely ignored here. Sure to some asking to move the wedding date isn't asking for too much but really is it that hard to imagine how a mother planning her daughter's wedding might come off when told her son is also getting married two months later and then graduating about a month after his own wedding? It's entirely possible the mother of the groom requested in the nicest way possible to shift the wedding date and the couple and/or mother of the bride are taking it in a way they weren't meant to thus labling the mother of the groom unfairly as difficult and it's entirely possible the mother of the groom came off in a way that could only be considered difficult.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

When my DD and DSIL planned their wedding we decided to pay for it. She was the first to marry and we wanted to help. They did not want a huge wedding and their plans fit reasonably into our budget. We did not ask DSIL family for financial assistance, they were just invited. No shower. We never even got a response from MOG, so finally I called. Turns out she was upset that we could afford a wedding for our DD. What????? I guess in her family the kids all have to pay for their own weddings, and she knew the couple would not have had the money so she resented the help they got. She did not have money to help pay so we should not have had it either. (If she was married to my DH she would have. He is a saver, and I am along for that ride!!!) I did not understand but that was her reasoning. To this day my DD is blamed for any good fortune they have and any good choices they make. Anyway, though all of this I never say anything about the MOG. I see no reason to fan flames any higher than they get without my help. I do not understand the mentality, but ths woman is my DSIL mother and the grandmother of my beautiful DGD, and no matter her behavior, I remember that.

I"m prefacing this question I'm about to ask with I think that's too bad in how it turned out in the above situation. I'm sorry you got flack from your future family about that.

Did you talk with your future son-in-law's family about how they handle weddings in their family before offering to pay for the wedding?

 

[CarolAnn856]

They are where I am from. Usually decorated and catered events with friends and family, 100 guests is not unusual. People bring gifts. Kind of a "Sending off/Welcome to adulthood" so to speak.

It's very common where we live, too, in NJ near Philadelphia.

 

[CarolAnn856]

Did you talk with your future son-in-law's family about how they handle weddings in their family before offering to pay for the wedding?

I think that would be out of the norm. The previous poster offered a gift, and the couple was free to accept, decline, or choose to pay part of the wedding themselves. It would be the groom's responsibility to work out any issues with his parents, if he chose to. I'm not implying that you are saying this, but I don't think one side should approach the other in deciding what they are willing to offer but rather should work through the couple.

 

[Nancyg56]

I"m prefacing this question I'm about to ask with I think that's too bad in how it turned out in the above situation. I'm sorry you got flack from your future family about that.

Did you talk with your future son-in-law's family about how they handle weddings in their family before offering to pay for the wedding?

Me? No. My DSIL is a great guy, but his family, not so much. He and DD offered to pay his Dad's way home if he woudl come. No. Mom was not interested, when DD and DSIL talked to her about the wedding. Paying for the wedding was between my DD, DSIL, my DH and I. DSIL told us his family would never offer anything, but that it was more about him than anything else. I had known DSIL for several years before they married, so I had observed as much. So no, I would never have approached his family about any kind of payment, even if DH was not old school in regards to esponsibility towards our daughter.

When my DGD was born his Mom came to the hospital, but said that was all that she would do. She would wait til DGD was older to get to know her. That day still has not come 15 years later.

DD and DSIL maintain a superficial relationship with his family, but as a parent, I refuse to widen that chasm by pointing out issues, or magnifying them. I love my DSIL and know that if I did so, in the end only he and perhaps my DGD would be hurt.

The reason I shared this was because I think that parents need to be careful when their children enter into relationships. It is easy to pile on MIL and feel that you are one upping that family, but the truth is that your child, your grandchildren are going to be part of that family. I would smooth that path rather than make it more rocky. In the case of the OP, I would like to think that I would encourage my DD and DSIL to find a date that is a better fit for his family. Does this mean I woudl ask them to wait a year? No. But I sure would try to find a compromise, and if that meant that the athlete needs to compromise a little, so be it. I have always tried to help my DD find a way to make things easier for her DH with his family, and if his Mom or family was still difficult, then I knew that I had not compounded that problem. I think MOB should try to do so as well. Her future DSIL may be telling all who listen that his Mom is difficult, but he may be still wearing rose colored glasses. Eventually they come off and this couple will be living in the World they created, with a DDIL DMIL war raging on. And we will be eading about it on the DIS, Fisk will be saying this is a marraige problem. Ane they are right. The wedding is over, and the marraige has begun.

DD and DSIL are married now 15 years, and the MIL has been proven wrong on all counts. No abortion for my beautiful DGD, no divorce for my DD and DSIL, no crash and burn for either. They love and respect each other, and instead of avoiding DH and me, they gravitate towards us because the only agenda we have is to support them in their lives and marraige ,not come between them by tying to cause a divide.

 

[roseaster]

To be real honest though most posts here are under the assumption that there is going to be a real wedding affair, real graduation affair, the couple is heaping on loads of responsibility to the mother of the groom unfairly, etc. That's really the gist that is coming across. Any time someone tries to interject and say "hey mine wasn't this big ole grand thing or hey she may not be spending a huge amount of planning time or hey the couple should be able to pick their date, or any other thoughts they are told "yeah well....the mother of the groom this the mother of the groom that, two months is just too soon (more on the principle of the time frame without actually knowing what will all be going on in the wedding planning), etc.

There are also many assumptions made on both sides for the actual involvement (financial, time, energy, emotional, etc) each respective family will have in the wedding itself.

No one is actually wrong here.

What it really feels like it that there are all the excuses in the book given for why the mother of the groom is absolutely right in asking for her son to change his date without knowing any of the details leading up to the whole interaction nor the events (both weddings and both graduations). Now I'm not saying those excuses aren't valid at all just that there are an abudance of them.

Isn't the saying it's not what you say but how you say it? That seems to be something largely ignored here. Sure to some asking to move the wedding date isn't asking for too much but really is it that hard to imagine how a mother planning her daughter's wedding might come off when told her son is also getting married two months later and then graduating about a month after his own wedding? It's entirely possible the mother of the groom requested in the nicest way possible to shift the wedding date and the couple and/or mother of the bride are taking it in a way they weren't meant to thus labling the mother of the groom unfairly as difficult and it's entirely possible the mother of the groom came off in a way that could only be considered difficult.

Personally, I'm not saying one thing or another, what I am saying is that the MOG feels overwhelmed by time and money constraints and she has the right to voice that without being "difficult" or "taking the fun out of planning."

I think if someone says they are feeling overwhelmed take that at face value. If the couple hears that and respects that, but continues to move on with their plans as they have chosen then they need to take the MOG's feelings into consideration in regards to their wedding and wedding planning.

Sneaking around and setting a date without talking to the MOG about it, regardless of their choice, doesn't seem like this couple is approaching this situation with a lot of maturity to me.

The mature thing would be to sit down and talk to the MOG and acknowledge her feelings and come up with a plan that allows her to still be involved to the best of her ability, financially and physically, without making her feel overwhelmed or left out.

Going out and secretly setting the date and not telling the MOG abut it is not starting this relationship with the MOG on solid footing.

If my son (he's 10 this is hypothetical) came to me and said he was getting married on November 1st and I asked him to postpone a few months and then he went out and reserved a venue without telling me 1st and keeping it a secret after I can tell you I would not feel very kindly towards him or his fiancee. The sneaking around and secret keeping would, to me, seem like a deliberate disregard of my feelings.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that would be out of the norm. The previous poster offered a gift, and the couple was free to accept, decline, or choose to pay part of the wedding themselves. It would be the groom's responsibility to work out any issues with his parents, if he chose to. I'm not implying that you are saying this, but I don't think one side should approach the other in deciding what they are willing to offer but rather should work through the couple.

That is how we saw it. DSIL relationship was strained enough as it was without us making it worse. I was just shocked that we got no response, and DH, 15 years later still shakes his head that DSIL Mom never even shook his hand to acknowledge the wedding.

We paid for all of our childen's weddings. My youngest son used the money to cover his expenses, and since MOB was not willing to help DDIL with any planing, I stepped in. My DH escorted her to my DS. WE gave my older DS his wedding money when he bought his home. I have no idea how he used it, but I know the wedding he and DDIL planned was more than we gave them. Her parents were upset that they had travel expenses, and said that we DD not, but they did not chip in. They paid for DDIL wedding dress. My DS and DDIL both had good jobs and paid for all expenses over our contribution. I had gifted my Eica with her wedding gown, so for my gift to DDIL I paid for an inn so my oldest DDIL could have a place for her family to spend the night before the wedding, as well as a meal in the afternoon to be sure they ate. The family was all staying with DS and DDIL, and I wanted to alleviate as much stress as I could.

 

[roseaster]

Me? No. My DSIL is a great guy, but his family, not so much. He and DD offered to pay his Dad's way home if he woudl come. No. Mom was not interested, when DD and DSIL talked to her about the wedding. Paying for the wedding was between my DD, DSIL, my DH and I. DSIL told us his family would never offer anything, but that it was more about him than anything else. I had known DSIL for several years before they married, so I had observed as much. So no, I would never have approached his family about any kind of payment, even if DH was not old school in regards to esponsibility towards our daughter.

When my DGD was born his Mom came to the hospital, but said that was all that she would do. She would wait til DGD was older to get to know her. That day still has not come 15 years later.

DD and DSIL maintain a superficial relationship with his family, but as a parent, I refuse to widen that chasm by pointing out issues, or magnifying them. I love my DSIL and know that if I did so, in the end only he and perhaps my DGD would be hurt.

The reason I shared this was because I think that parents need to be careful when their children enter into relationships. It is easy to pile on MIL and feel that you are one upping that family, but the truth is that your child, your grandchildren are going to be part of that family. I would smooth that path rather than make it more rocky. In the case of the OP, I would like to think that I would encourage my DD and DSIL to find a date that is a better fit for his family. Does this mean I woudl ask them to wait a year? No. But I sure would try to find a compromise, and if that meant that the athlete needs to compromise a little, so be it. I have always tried to help my DD find a way to make things easier for her DH with his family, and if his Mom or family was still difficult, then I knew that I had not compounded that problem. I think MOB should try to do so as well. Her future DSIL may be telling all who listen that his Mom is difficult, but he may be still wearing rose colored glasses. Eventually they come off and this couple will be living in the World they created, with a DDIL DMIL war raging on. And we will be eading about it on the DIS, Fisk will be saying this is a marraige problem. Ane they are right. The wedding is over, and the marraige has begun.

DD and DSIL are married now 15 years, and the MIL has been proven wrong on all counts. No abortion for my beautiful DGD, no divorce for my DD and DSIL, no crash and burn for either. They love and respect each other, and instead of avoiding DH and me, they gravitate towards us because the only agenda we have is to support them in their lives and marraige ,not come between them by tying to cause a divide.

Smart, smart, smart. No matter how screwed up someone's family is, it is still their family and their will, usually, always be some small feeling of loyalty.

FTR I see offering money for the wedding as a different thing. Offering to help financially is a gift. It would be a different thing (this is just hypothetical) if you put conditions on your offer that deliberately excluded the groom's family, but merely offering an amount, or offering to pay for certain (or all) things is something very different.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Me? No. My DSIL is a great guy, but his family, not so much. He and DD offered to pay his Dad's way home if he woudl come. No. Mom was not interested, when DD and DSIL talked to her about the wedding. Paying for the wedding was between my DD, DSIL, my DH and I. DSIL told us his family would never offer anything, but that it was more about him than anything else. I had known DSIL for several years before they married, so I had observed as much. So no, I would never have approached his family about any kind of payment, even if DH was not old school in regards to esponsibility towards our daughter.

When my DGD was born his Mom came to the hospital, but said that was all that she would do. She would wait til DGD was older to get to know her. That day still has not come 15 years later.

DD and DSIL maintain a superficial relationship with his family, but as a parent, I refuse to widen that chasm by pointing out issues, or magnifying them. I love my DSIL and know that if I did so, in the end only he and perhaps my DGD would be hurt.

The reason I shared this was because I think that parents need to be careful when their children enter into relationships. It is easy to pile on MIL and feel that you are one upping that family, but the truth is that your child, your grandchildren are going to be part of that family. I would smooth that path rather than make it more rocky. In the case of the OP, I would like to think that I would encourage my DD and DSIL to find a date that is a better fit for his family. Does this mean I woudl ask them to wait a year? No. But I sure would try to find a compromise, and if that meant that the athlete needs to compromise a little, so be it. I have always tried to help my DD find a way to make things easier for her DH with his family, and if his Mom or family was still difficult, then I knew that I had not compounded that problem. I think MOB should try to do so as well. Her future DSIL may be telling all who listen that his Mom is difficult, but he may be still wearing rose colored glasses. Eventually they come off and this couple will be living in the World they created, with a DDIL DMIL war raging on. And we will be eading about it on the DIS, Fisk will be saying this is a marraige problem. Ane they are right. The wedding is over, and the marraige has begun.

DD and DSIL are married now 15 years, and the MIL has been proven wrong on all counts. No abortion for my beautiful DGD, no divorce for my DD and DSIL, no crash and burn for either. They love and respect each other, and instead of avoiding DH and me, they gravitate towards us because the only agenda we have is to support them in their lives and marraige ,not come between them by tying to cause a divide.

Yeah I'm in the boat of my husband is amazing...his mom she has her moments for sure. Seems like your son-in-law turned out great in comparison to how his family can be.

I wasn't insinuating you were soliciting the other family for money so hopefully you weren't taking it that way. I was more or less saying it seems like a core value (could be totally wrong here) is that the future son-in-law's family expected their kids to pay for their own weddings. Maybe the paying for the whole wedding stepped on their toes of what their family weddings are like and they would have preferred being considered in that instance though it sounds like discussing how they do their weddings would have been hard if they wouldn't talk with the couple. I don't agree at all with the treatment they have given you or your daughter that's for sure so sorry with how it's all turned out.

 

[Nancyg56]

Personally, I'm not saying one thing or another, what I am saying is that the MOG feels overwhelmed by time and money constraints and she has the right to voice that without being "difficult" or "taking the fun out of planning."

I think if someone says they are feeling overwhelmed take that at face value. If the couple hears that and respects that, but continues to move on with their plans as they have chosen then they need to take the MOG's feelings into consideration in regards to their wedding and wedding planning.

Sneaking around and setting a date without talking to the MOG about it, regardless of their choice, doesn't seem like this couple is approaching this situation with a lot of maturity to me.

The mature thing would be to sit down and talk to the MOG and acknowledge her feelings and come up with a plan that allows her to still be involved to the best of her ability, financially and physically, without making her feel overwhelmed or left out.

Going out and secretly setting the date and not telling the MOG abut it is not starting this relationship with the MOG on solid footing.

If my son (he's 10 this is hypothetical) came to me and said he was getting married on November 1st and I asked him to postpone a few months and then he went out and reserved a venue without telling me 1st and keeping it a secret after I can tell you I would not feel very kindly towards him or his fiancee. The sneaking around and secret keeping would, to me, seem like a deliberate disregard of my feelings.

This. And this is the point I am making in regards to the OP. Instead of helping her DD to be an adult, she is complicit in this nonsense, and is now looking for validation and minimizing the MOG concerns. Truth is that MIL is feeling stress. Period. This behavior is going to backfire and bet you a brick the OP will be back next year complaining that MOG hates her DD.