Engagement issues already....

[Paula Sedley-Burke]

We really wanted to get married on valentines day but we were asked to move it. Also the table arrangements. We moved the dates, the table arrangements. Then we were asked to included other guests.. We said wait we have comprimised and we only wanted 50 people. We said no.

The people that asked were so mad they ruined our wedding day in spite. I reget that happening now. We should been more assertive on the day.

You can't please everybody we learnt but we tried!

 

[Vernie822]

I see both sides.

I am 2 weeks from my wedding and we have been planning for close to two years. I have a big family, and our guest list was going to be 100+ either way, so we chose to save and have a 2 year engagement. I will be 26 when we get married, fiance 28. My parents could afford to give us a dollar amount towards our reception, and pay for some additional items along the way. So if my mom were one day told she'd have another wedding 2 months later, that could be a problem money-wise.

It was ROUGH for the first few weeks we were engaged. My brother graduated HS in Spring of 2016 and another brother graduated college, so when we said we wanted to get married in Spring '16, my mom said that was too much all at once. I think she just wanted things to go a certain way and when they didn't, she got upset, I got upset, and then we argued a bit.

Are they helping to pay for anything? Perhaps if money is an issue and they are helping out, maybe you could push it back a few months?

Being in the home stretch with our wedding, I do see what she means about them being so close. Months before the wedding you have the shower, bachelorette party, etc so it could be a lot to have two weddings back-to-back.

Plus, what about traveling family members? Say you have family from across the country that plans to come to both. Are they expected to come to one and not the other, or just come to both 2 months apart?

 

[lennyd]

It's a big financial burden to her two weddings in 2 months could be expensive , she saying all the other stuff because she doesn't want you to think its about the money, but it's about the money,it's always about the money

 

[Funfire240]

When scheduling our date we decided on April. I wanted April 22 because that was when the lady I wanted to make my cake was available. Unfortunately that was the anniversary of when DH's best friend died in a car accident years earlier so we just couldn't do that (it was also the friend's birthday as well so too painful for a lot on his side). We went with the following week - then I found out that was the anniversary of when my sister miscarried a couple years prior. We still went with that date because it worked for us but 10 years later she still does not let me forget. I posted on FB for our 10 year anniversary and she always comes back with what a dreaded day it is and how can I celebrate it. I understand her pain - I've been through it too although not as far along as she was but I honestly think this is one of the reasons she barely talks to me today because it has never been the same since.

I also had a cousin that had a their wedding set for 2 weeks later- although there were maybe only 20 people that overlapped with both weddings and most thought it was fun but I was accused to stealing their thunder too.

 

[mjkacmom]

I also got married soon before graduation. I got married in November and graduated in May.

I did this because I wanted to be married before we moved and started my full time job. I wanted to move and transfer all my documentation in my new name and not have to do it twice, etc. This was all for convience as well as wanting to marry in fall.

For this couple I see it being even less of an odd time. Most people move after graduation. If they wont move together until they are married they want to be married before graduation so they move to wherever they will be going together. This makes perfect sense to me and seems like a really good reason why they wouldn't want to wait until after graduation.

Getting married in April would be before graduation but during classes. In November they could be planning late november which would mean they would be on break at most schools and have time for a honeymoon while on break if they so choose.

They aren't moving - they both have jobs. He is graduating in December, about a month after the wedding. Besides a couple of days at thanksgiving, what school break occurs a month before graduation? I'd assume classes are in full swing.

 

[Poohlove]

I can't speak from personal experience because I have never been married but I can speak as a mother and I can honestly say that I would be upset with two weddings back to back like that. Not because of finances or anything like that (even though it would suck) but because I would want to focus all of my attention on the child who was getting married. I would want to be able to wholeheartedly focus on DS or DD and be able to enjoy every moment I could in going through this process with them. The showers and the dress are all moot in my eyes, just grasping for straws. I would also be concerned about studies taking a back seat to wedding planning, I just want to my kids to do the best they can and be happy with what they have done. I wouldn't want them to look back and have regrets because they were looking for that "instant gratification" that has become so the norm in our society.

My brother was married along the riverbank of a park local and then had a pig roast in his backyard, it was the most drama filled event that I have ever come across. My sister was married at a banquet hall with the full dinner, DJ , whole 9 yards and her wedding was 99% drama free. It doesn't matter how simplistic or elaborate the event is, if there is going to be drama the best is just to roll with it to not get caught up in it.

I would not be concerned with my guests, not because I don't care but because I would be inviting them to come and celebrate this major life event with me and would not expect fancy gifts. I am also not one of those girls who have dreamed about their wedding day for their whole life, in fact I'm not even sure that its for me at all but if I were to take the plunge I would either elope as long as a few select family members could be there or I would have a very casual clam bake or something like that. Wear your best sundress

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I can't speak from personal experience because I have never been married but I can speak as a mother and I can honestly say that I would be upset with two weddings back to back like that. Not because of finances or anything like that (even though it would suck) but because I would want to focus all of my attention on the child who was getting married. I would want to be able to wholeheartedly focus on DS or DD and be able to enjoy every moment I could in going through this process with them. The showers and the dress are all moot in my eyes, just grasping for straws. I would also be concerned about studies taking a back seat to wedding planning, I just want to my kids to do the best they can and be happy with what they have done. I wouldn't want them to look back and have regrets because they were looking for that "instant gratification" that has become so the norm in our society.

My brother was married along the riverbank of a park local and then had a pig roast in his backyard, it was the most drama filled event that I have ever come across. My sister was married at a banquet hall with the full dinner, DJ , whole 9 yards and her wedding was 99% drama free. It doesn't matter how simplistic or elaborate the event is, if there is going to be drama the best is just to roll with it to not get caught up in it.

I would not be concerned with my guests, not because I don't care but because I would be inviting them to come and celebrate this major life event with me and would not expect fancy gifts. I am also not one of those girls who have dreamed about their wedding day for their whole life, in fact I'm not even sure that its for me at all but if I were to take the plunge I would either elope as long as a few select family members could be there or I would have a very casual clam bake or something like that. Wear your best sundress

I'm not understanding this comment in reference to the OP's post. The wedding she is talking about is Nov 2017. That is over a year away. I don't know that I would call it "instant gratification."

 

[ronandannette]

I'm big on everybody respecting everybody and willingly giving each other as much consideration as possible. In this case if the bridal couple have at least considered the position of the groom's family (which I'll presume they have) and have still decided to go with their own preference, the grooms's family have no other gracious choice but to "get on board". That said, being as they have had these circumstances thrust upon them, if the groom's family is limited in the time, energy and money they have to give (if that's an issue here - we don't know for sure) then the bridal couple needs to accept that just as graciously.

 

[Poohlove]

The I want it this way, now and forget everyone else kind of thinking. Maybe instant gratification isn't the correct terminology but it is also not like they are going to wake up one day and go get married like they go to the mall. There are things that will need to be taken care of in the here and now.

 

[HM]

Plus, the couple scheduled the wedding at such an odd time, soon before graduation.

My parents got married the weekend before college graduation. Then over the next couple of months, almost all of their friends got married on the weekends. They tell a story about how the group of friends put dates in a hat and the couples picked one and that's they day for their wedding. Everyone wanted to be at each others weddings and many of them were part of the wedding parties.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

When scheduling our date we decided on April. I wanted April 22 because that was when the lady I wanted to make my cake was available. Unfortunately that was the anniversary of when DH's best friend died in a car accident years earlier so we just couldn't do that (it was also the friend's birthday as well so too painful for a lot on his side). We went with the following week - then I found out that was the anniversary of when my sister miscarried a couple years prior. We still went with that date because it worked for us but 10 years later she still does not let me forget. I posted on FB for our 10 year anniversary and she always comes back with what a dreaded day it is and how can I celebrate it. I understand her pain - I've been through it too although not as far along as she was but I honestly think this is one of the reasons she barely talks to me today because it has never been the same since.

I also had a cousin that had a their wedding set for 2 weeks later- although there were maybe only 20 people that overlapped with both weddings and most thought it was fun but I was accused to stealing their thunder too.

Wow! It seems like when picking dates, you almost can't win. Some date, some time, is always going to be a hard time for somebody. That's too bad about you and your sister.

My parents got married the weekend before college graduation. Then over the next couple of months, almost all of their friends got married on the weekends. They tell a story about how the group of friends put dates in a hat and the couples picked one and that's they day for their wedding. Everyone wanted to be at each others weddings and many of them were part of the wedding parties.

That's great! It's different than in the OP, though, because finals were already done. Three or four weeks before finals is tough. Plus, as others have said, there's so many activities before the actual wedding that he'd have to attend, probably on weekends - when he should be studying - not only at his own wedding, but the other. I think waiting even a month would make it a different scenario, but then you're running into the holidays and all that.

I planned my Sept wedding based on a phone call from my sister in June. She was coming home from the other side of the country in Sept and half-jokingly asked if I could plan it then so she didn't have to travel twice. So I did. It was relatively small, but still took a lot of planning. If I had it to do over again, I would've made it even smaller and more low key. DD mentioned to me the other day she wants a really low key wedding some day, maybe at Disney with just a few close family and friends. Sounds good to me.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

A couple of people mentioned weddings close to high school graduations of a sibling. This time a year ago I wouldn't have really gotten that at all. Having just gone through it this year, though, I can see why it would be tough. Senior year is exhausting, expensive and emotional, and that's just high school. Then add in the beginning college piece that overlaps. So much to do and so many decisions to make. It's draining. I just lived it, with twins, and I'm wiped! I can't even imagine what it would've been like having to deal with a wedding as well. I think, as a pp said, that as parents, it's nice to be able savor each ceremony/rite of passage/celebration, fully, a little at a time. If it doesn't work out that way, well, fine, but one could probably expect that the stress factor would be increased and the enjoyment factor decreased for many. Some people can roll with it, which is great; and some people can't as easily, I guess. So individual.

 

[MIGrandma]

I don't know about other families, but in mine I don't think you're really married unless you have at least one mother-in-law calling down the Wrath of God on the participants about something.

I learned to keep my mouth shut from my MIL. My DH was a Mennonite when we got married, yet his parents welcomed me into their family with no condemnation that I was not of their faith. She was the most wonderful mother-in-law, and I learned a lot from her. She passed away (ALS) in 2000 and I still miss her so much. We never had any drama from either set of parents, and I feel sorry for those that have meddling MIL's.

 

[Nancyg56]

It is their wedding.

Unless they want her to pay for it, officiate it or be a major part of it, it really shouldn't be that big of a deal to her.

If it is a large wedding with all of the aunts, uncles and cousins invited, it is up to those invitees whether they pay for another trip. Either way, it doesn't effect the mother of the groom.

If she is invited to too many showers, she can decline or purchase a small, inexpensive gift. Heck, she doesn't have to give a wedding gift if she doesn't want to.

Seriously, the mother of the groom decline the invitation?

I always am shocked when the parents of the groom are always not considered. I have two sons. I love them as much as I love my daughter. and I was as happy for them when they planned their weddings. We helped both, with the same amount of money as we gave our DD towards her wedding day. I can assure you that if we told my sons that we would skip bridal showers or their very special day becasue we had already allocated the wedding funds to their sister, they might be hurt. I would be as well.

And, shouldn't a groom make his and his wife's wishes his priority?
He should expect his future WIFE and himself to wait until 2018 to try to caters to his mothers issues and 'convenience'.

Peoples mode of thinking can be seriously mind-blowing.

That is all well and good, but when you plan a wedding you need to consider those you want to attend and those you want to participate. If that does not matter to you, and if you are not expecting any monetary assistance, or will not worry if people choose to accept the commitment that was in place first, go for it. But I can almost guarantee you that this is not what the reality will be. Most people want their family to be there, they want their showers and their stags. They want the whole shebang. And if you have back to back weddings that does not happen.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I learned to keep my mouth shut from my MIL. My DH was a Mennonite when we got married, yet his parents welcomed me into their family with no condemnation that I was not of their faith. She was the most wonderful mother-in-law, and I learned a lot from her. She passed away (ALS) in 2000 and I still miss her so much. We never had any drama from either set of parents, and I feel sorry for those that have meddling MIL's.

I also learned a lot from my MIL. But for the opposite reason. She has always been a miserable person. She really doesn't like anyone. She is in her 70's, and for as long as I have known her (27 years) she has only had one friend. And that friend talks about her when she isn't around. According to her husband and son, she has never had any friends.

She complained about everything when I got married. She didn't like the meal; roast beef. She didn't like the timing; near Thanksgiving. She didn't like that we didn't have a large enough wedding to invite all of her relatives; we had 25 people total. She didn't like that we got married so soon after being engaged; just 4 months. And the biggest, she didn't like me.

It has taught me that unless my future DIL is wanted by the police or cheats on my son, I will figure out a way to get along with her.

 

[HM]

---

 

[Poohlove]

A couple of people mentioned weddings close to high school graduations of a sibling. This time a year ago I wouldn't have really gotten that at all. Having just gone through it this year, though, I can see why it would be tough. Senior year is exhausting, expensive and emotional, and that's just high school. Then add in the beginning college piece that overlaps. So much to do and so many decisions to make. It's draining. I just lived it, with twins, and I'm wiped! I can't even imagine what it would've been like having to deal with a wedding as well. I think, as a pp said, that as parents, it's nice to be able savor each ceremony/rite of passage/celebration, fully, a little at a time. If it doesn't work out that way, well, fine, but one could probably expect that the stress factor would be increased and the enjoyment factor decreased for many. Some people can roll with it, which is great; and some people can't as easily, I guess. So individual.

My DS just graduated in June, I can't imagine having to do that with twins. I too at this time last year would not have been able to wrap my head around what comes along with a senior in high school. It was such an emotional year on so many different levels not to mention crazy expensive!!! Thankfully my daughter is a junior this year and I have some time to regroup - across the boards - before her senior year. I could not imagine back to back weddings. Not that it is even remotely the same but this is all I have to draw from - DS played baseball and is an excellent pitcher, DD played softball, made varsity as a freshman. Her freshman, his junior year I went to their games equally. This past season being his senior season she fully understood why I would be at more of his games than hers and supported it. I would not have dreamed of missing a moment of his season because when will he/we get to do that again? Also, my next two seasons will be focused entirely on her. To put that on a larger scale and try to juggle two separate momentous occasions that have so many segments along the way I don't know how I would do it and not feel like I was slighting someone.

Groom's sister says she is ok with it but is she really? I know that my two are very close and DD would want DS to be happy and if this were the two of them in this situation she would say she was ok with it but inside she wouldn't be. I don't think she would hold it against him but I think that those feelings would take a little something away from it all for her.

 

[DiannaVM]

I think OP, if your daughter and her fiance are not at all flexible with the dates then they should stick to their guns. Giving the excuse that the sister is already getting married the same year is kind of stupid imo. Is she giving them the same grief? My thinking is, what if sometime in the future sister and your DD ended up pregnant at the same time by some miracle, what would she say then? Would she give your DD and SIL the grief again because they dared to get pregnant the same time as his sister? (I am just throwing in scenarios here.)

My MIL was VERY controlling with our wedding plans. Originally we wanted to get married in October (nicer weather because we wanted an outdoor wedding). Well, that was the first thing she vetoed because she said "no one" (meaning his younger cousins who live abroad and are still in high school) would be able to come then. We folded and decided to go with July so that they would all be in summer break to make it to our wedding. Then her issue was with an outside wedding because July would be too hot to be outside. Then she had an issue when we said we wanted to keep the wedding small, therefore only wanting to invite immediate relatives and close friends (and when it came to cousins, only invite the ones DH is actually close with because his mom has ALOT of siblings that have ALOT of children). She had an issue with that, saying we HAVE to invite EVERYONE, so we said fine but no children. "You can't make people not bring their kids, you need to invite them!" (she was talking about toddlers here btw because one or two of her relatives that live abroad have young kids. My side has no children and the children on her side were either toddlers or teenagers, no in-between.) We had already caved in when it came to the date, the location and the guest list to appease her. We stuck to our decision about no kids, and hence had no young children stand in the wedding party either to avoid confusion.

In the end I did enjoy my wedding, but the planning process was made much more stressful than it needed to be by MIL. She wanted everything perfect and fancy while I wanted something more eclectic, laid-back and simple. We butted heads alot with the decor. DH, my parents and I didnt have a whole lot of money to put into it and MIL was not going to put into it anymore than half of the total cost. And she still threatened not to put anything at all at one point because DH told her she needed to stop trying to control everything. In the end all her stressing that our wedding wasn't some extravagant shindig was for nothing, because 90% of decor was exactly what WE asked for and wanted and people still loved it and had lots of fun at our wedding. And guess what? Things till went wrong (the decorator forgot the bird cages we had asked for to put on the tables, thankful our florist had the mason jars we decorated that had flowers on them so the tables were a little more plain than originally planned but still looked beautiful).

My advice to you and your DD is, take it in stride and only compromise on things DD and fiance are willing to compromise with and nothing else. This is their wedding, regardless of what his mom says. And if its about the fact that she can't help pay for his wedding AND his sister's wedding, then they have no reason to listen to her demands, opinions at all if they don't wish to. My DH and I, especially when it came to the guest list, we went with the mentality that, if they love us enough to drop anything to come to our wedding, then they will come, and if they don't then just as well. It will be in their mind what we think or how we will feel, but I could care less and that would be my advice to her, do what you can to accommodate her without making yourself unhappy and call it a day. Let MIL make the last call and let her decision rest on her conscience.

 

[Nancyg56]

I also learned a lot from my MIL. But for the opposite reason. She has always been a miserable person. She really doesn't like anyone. She is in her 70's, and for as long as I have known her (27 years) she has only had one friend. And that friend talks about her when she isn't around. According to her husband and son, she has never had any friends.

She complained about everything when I got married. She didn't like the meal; roast beef. She didn't like the timing; near Thanksgiving. She didn't like that we didn't have a large enough wedding to invite all of her relatives; we had 25 people total. She didn't like that we got married so soon after being engaged; just 4 months. And the biggest, she didn't like me.

It has taught me that unless my future DIL is wanted by the police or cheats on my son, I will figure out a way to get along with her.

Me too! Lol!

 

[nkereina]

We are getting married in a few weeks, and one of our good friends is getting married about 6 weeks after us. We didn't bat an eye about it, but now a lot of our mutual friends are muttering under their breath that they have to attend two weddings so close together, shell out the money/gifts, etc. It's a strain on guests too, not just the family and bridal party.

I'm kind of surprised the sister isn't more irritated to be honest. It really would take some of the spotlight off her during her special time.