Engagement issues already....

[Nettester]

If the groom says his mother can be difficult, it's likely she would be difficult in some other way if they moved the wedding up 6 months. I would encourage the happy couple to ignore the negativity, if groom's mom wants to pout or make non-supportive statements. I get that the close dates make things a little more hectic, but it's really MIL's loss if she's going to bellyache about it and not share the joy. It doesn't sound like anyone has asked her to be in charge of anything, is that right? It sounds like the engaged couple is solid and content and in control of their plans, and that's all that matters. If some of the guests can't make it after traveling to the other wedding, I'd bet your DD and future son in law would understand and if they are concerned or bothered by that, that is on them for planning the date they chose. My goodness, they sound very intelligent, surely they have put thought into this. I'll bet your DD's future MIL comes around. This is a lot, even good events, it's a lot, and it can cause anxiety. I think she'll come around at some point. It doesn't matter if she isn't involved in all the planning details. In fact, it's probably better that way. Less conflict, and she can just enjoy the wedding. I hope your DD isn't too upset about this. I think you should reassure her and not worry about it so much yourself, either.

 

[georgina]

I'm definitely in the 'it's their wedding they should plan what they want' camp. My DD was married in June, she planned the large majority of the wedding, it was not at all exhausting for the parents. I gave her an amount I would pay (basically to cover the reception) and they paid for the rest. A lot of the concerns seem to be about unimportant things - bachelor and bachelorette parties, showers, dresses, etc. (But then I bought my MOB dress online at Target for less than $60.) If money is a concern they should plan an inexpensive wedding. Guests have time to plan for 2 weddings, it shouldn't be a shock to them a year out.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

My family are obviously a bunch of freaks because I got married July 19th and my brother got married July 27th, everyone loved it!
We had an amazing time planning things and bouncing ideas off each other and the whole of July was just a huge celebration - it was fantastic.

I've never understood the whole 'it's all about the bride' thing anyway - didn't at my first wedding and even less so at my second

I never have either, which is why I'm offering a perspective from the mother of a potential groom. The point is..... it isn't all about the bride.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

If the groom says his mother can be difficult, it's likely she would be difficult in some other way if they moved the wedding up 6 months. I would encourage the happy couple to ignore the negativity, if groom's mom wants to pout or make non-supportive statements. I get that the close dates make things a little more hectic, but it's really MIL's loss if she's going to bellyache about it and not share the joy. It doesn't sound like anyone has asked her to be in charge of anything, is that right? It sounds like the engaged couple is solid and content and in control of their plans, and that's all that matters. If some of the guests can't make it after traveling to the other wedding, I'd bet your DD and future son in law would understand and if they are concerned or bothered by that, that is on them for planning the date they chose. My goodness, they sound very intelligent, surely they have put thought into this. I'll bet your DD's future MIL comes around. This is a lot, even good events, it's a lot, and it can cause anxiety. I think she'll come around at some point. It doesn't matter if she isn't involved in all the planning details. In fact, it's probably better that way. Less conflict, and she can just enjoy the wedding. I hope your DD isn't too upset about this. I think you should reassure her and not worry about it so much yourself, either.

Sorry, but that's too funny.My DH gets just as mad at his mom & I do, but we need to have a serious (Sunday, go to meeting talk ) before he'll say anything to her. For example, we'll be married 24 years in a couple month & he's had a grand total of one serious talk with her. Let just say, he didn't have a choice. Boys don't like to upset the women in their lives. Grooms/grooms-to-be will almost always say what they think their fiance/wife wants to hear. Believing it /or telling mom can be a very different story.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I'm from a blended family (Brady Bunch) where we had four weddings in nine months. Three sibling brides and one groom. A divorced father footed the bill for two the brides. The third bride already had a daughter from an unfortunate relationship, so she kept things simple. The fourth was the groom in the family and that bride's family paid for their wedding, but she was from out of town so my mom planned an open house for them. My wedding was out of state and we had a reception and an open house eight days apart. No one suggested that anyone postpone to spread things out. This was back in the day couples didn't live together before the wedding. Mom didn't complain about all the weddings/receptions -- she had hassled me for years about getting married and was relieved that I finally found someone. (I was 25.)

 

[roseaster]

I know that this is the Dis where everyone has a ton of disposable income just lying around to pay for weddings and luxury trips, but, maybe the MIL was being honest.

Weddings are a big expense without being part of the wedding party. They can be almost ridiculous when you are. How many long complaining threads on this board have their been about that? There are even more expenses for the parents of the couple.

If it were me, I would feel bad paying for certain things in one child's wedding and not offering to contribute a similar amount to another child's.

Imagine the Dis posts complaining about a mother in law that didn't contribute the same amount. Or didn't get as nice a gift. Or wore the same dress to both weddings. Or didn't go to the shower. Or didn't get as expensive a shower gift.

Maybe the In-laws want to be fair and contribute the same amount to both weddings and cannot do it in that short period of time.

There are dresses and tuxes and shower gifts and wedding gifts. Then a month later there is Christmas or Hanukkah. It is a lot of money and a lot of stress.

Maybe it isn't just the mother in law that has to make compromises and learn to be a family member. Maybe the new family member, the bride, should make some sacrifices for the sake of the family, too. After all, this woman will be in your life for many more years, why start off on a bad foot? If you are already waiting over a year to have the wedding, in the grand scheme of things what is 4 more months, really?

 

[sam_gordon]

I guess according to some on here, MIL should be "seen and not heard". Personally, I think the MIL is entitled to her opinions, and the couple is free to ignore those opinions. That doesn't mean the MIL is some mean, hateful person who is going to ruin anything. How much travel is required for the MIL to the two weddings? How much travel is required for that family to attend both weddings? Who is expected to pay for the OP's DD's wedding? Maybe the MIL is feeling "advance" guilt because she won't be able to focus as much on her son's wedding because she's helping plan her daughter's.

Again, IMO, I think the couple should find out exactly what MIL is concerned about having two weddings so close together. Then sit down and have a conversation of whether their first choice of a wedding date is the best choice. More than likely, even if they keep the original date, everything is going to be fine. The MIL will still be there with a smile on her face. She may be wearing the same dress from the first wedding, but if so, the bridal party can't get upset.

 

[Christine]

I guess according to some on here, MIL should be "seen and not heard". Personally, I think the MIL is entitled to her opinions, and the couple is free to ignore those opinions. That doesn't mean the MIL is some mean, hateful person who is going to ruin anything. How much travel is required for the MIL to the two weddings? How much travel is required for that family to attend both weddings? Who is expected to pay for the OP's DD's wedding? Maybe the MIL is feeling "advance" guilt because she won't be able to focus as much on her son's wedding because she's helping plan her daughter's.

Again, IMO, I think the couple should find out exactly what MIL is concerned about having two weddings so close together. Then sit down and have a conversation of whether their first choice of a wedding date is the best choice. More than likely, even if they keep the original date, everything is going to be fine. The MIL will still be there with a smile on her face. She may be wearing the same dress from the first wedding, but if so, the bridal party can't get upset.

I agree with you, but it looks like it's all done anyway. OP said in her first post that, even after MIL complained, they have put down a deposit so I suppose this post is all a moot point now anyway.

I think the MIL has some valid concerns. I have two children and would like all of our extended family to be able to attend each one's wedding, but if they held them 2 weeks apart (and they were all large affairs) that would not happen. Not to mention, my involvement as Mother of the Bride and Groom would be tough on me with all the requirements. I do have a job myself and I'd have to work the various events around all that. I mean, yeah, you can do a lot of stuff on Saturdays but it takes work to host dinners and company.

But the OP never really said how involved each of these weddings were going to be so maybe, ultimately, it will all work out and the MIL is overdramatizing.

 

[kamik86]

I guess according to some on here, MIL should be "seen and not heard". Personally, I think the MIL is entitled to her opinions, and the couple is free to ignore those opinions. That doesn't mean the MIL is some mean, hateful person who is going to ruin anything. How much travel is required for the MIL to the two weddings? How much travel is required for that family to attend both weddings? Who is expected to pay for the OP's DD's wedding? Maybe the MIL is feeling "advance" guilt because she won't be able to focus as much on her son's wedding because she's helping plan her daughter's.

Again, IMO, I think the couple should find out exactly what MIL is concerned about having two weddings so close together. Then sit down and have a conversation of whether their first choice of a wedding date is the best choice. More than likely, even if they keep the original date, everything is going to be fine. The MIL will still be there with a smile on her face. She may be wearing the same dress from the first wedding, but if so, the bridal party can't get upset.

This I will agree with.

However I can also see the couple really wanting the wedding at a certain time that works for them and being ok with it not being paid for. I paid for 90% of my wedding. DHs family didn't pay anything. They technically set up a jack and jill but they took the money to set it up (and it wasn't much) before they gave us the gift money. (they set it up as a money only type shower, which was good because of transportation and storage issues at the time). Oh and the best man on DH's side paid for his tux.

My family paid for a few things. The dresses for the wedding party, my mom bought a dress dad rented a tux. They also paid for the the DJ and maybe the rehersal dinner. Which was great. I almost didn't have a DJ due to money which is why mom offered to pay I didn't expect it.


To the guests multiple weddings may just be multiple expensive parties but to the couple this is a huge event in their lives. Your literally asking them to put their lives on hold for a few months. If they are ok doing a smaller wedding without the extra funds from MIL then I don't understand the issue. The cost of the dresses and smaller things she would need two months apart isn't that big in the grand scheme of they have over a year to save for them from now...

This is epeically true if they can't move in together until the wedding. DH and I were living together when we were married but if we hadn't been and had to wait a few more months that may have been a hardship as we were moving when I graduated. I would have had to move in with my parents while DH moved into where we would live eventually until the wedding I guess... if they are moving to a new city where the parents aren't that would be even more of a hassle.

I also don't get the dress thing. My mom bought a new dress for my wedding because it was the first formal event she went to in the past 7 years and she didn't have anything. I don't remember what she wore to my sisters slightly less formal wedding the next year... maybe it was the same one I dont' know. My bridesmaids were in high school and one used the wedding dress for a school dance after the event.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My daughter and her boyfriend got engaged a few weeks ago. We love him and are very happy to welcome him to our family. His mom (parents divorced) was happy for them. Dad was also happy. Since the engagement they have been tossing around when to get married. They've settled on Nov of 2017. Both will be 23 at the time and close to 24. My DD graduates from college the May prior to the wedding. Her fiancé will graduate about a month after the wedding. Both are currently employed full time in their respective fields and will receive nice pay raises with their degrees.

If you are still reading this, thank you!

His mom was happy with the engagement, but very unhappy when she heard about the date. Her DD (fiancées sister) is getting married September of 2017. She said they should plan on 2018 because that would be financially much better for her and 2017 is already his sisters year. (Never heard of having your own year). Fiancées sister said she has no issues whatsoever with their plans and was happy for them. Grooms mom then said her focus is on the fiancées sister for the year and doesn't have time to deal with his marriage also. Next, grooms mom said she was hopeful her son would graduate and be in his field longer. Next concern was, how will you financially be able to pay student loans and live day to day. The list goes on.

They avoid speaking about the wedding around her at all. Fiancé says she can just be difficult, and she's always been that way, but he handles her. Yesterday they officially set the day and put down a deposit on the venue. She hasn't been told yet.

Did you ever have a family member that made your wedding difficult? I understand wanting everything perfect for your kids before they get married, but at what point do you put your opinions aside, smile and take part.

They are firm on their desire to stick with their date. They both have personal convictions that won't allow them to live together until married, so that is not an option.

This is frustrating because she is taking some of the joy out of planning this wedding.

If they are firm on their dates, there is going to be friction. WHY? Just use some common sense and logic.

What if YOU were planning 2 weddings AT THE SAME TIME?

It should be obvious to you that it is going to be stressful for the MOG.

So, as the MOB I recommend using EMPATHY to disarm this situation and make it work by working together. Do not say anything negative toward the MOG, use empathy.

Congratulations!

 

[sam_gordon]

This I will agree with.

However I can also see the couple really wanting the wedding at a certain time that works for them and being ok with it not being paid for. I paid for 90% of my wedding. DHs family didn't pay anything. They technically set up a jack and jill but they took the money to set it up (and it wasn't much) before they gave us the gift money. (they set it up as a money only type shower, which was good because of transportation and storage issues at the time). Oh and the best man on DH's side paid for his tux.

As I said, the couple gets to do what they want.

To the guests multiple weddings may just be multiple expensive parties but to the couple this is a huge event in their lives. Your literally asking them to put their lives on hold for a few months. If they are ok doing a smaller wedding without the extra funds from MIL then I don't understand the issue. The cost of the dresses and smaller things she would need two months apart isn't that big in the grand scheme of they have over a year to save for them from now...

It's easy to say "oh, they have a year to save money, a couple extra months won't make a difference". However, we have no idea what else is going on in the lives of the in laws. Maybe they have other parties to go to. Maybe they get some large financial bonus at the end of the year, who knows. Maybe MIL's issue is just guilt.

This is epeically true if they can't move in together until the wedding. DH and I were living together when we were married but if we hadn't been and had to wait a few more months that may have been a hardship as we were moving when I graduated. I would have had to move in with my parents while DH moved into where we would live eventually until the wedding I guess... if they are moving to a new city where the parents aren't that would be even more of a hassle.

I have a hard time sympathizing with putting "life on hold" for 2-3 months when the wedding is 15 months away.

I also don't get the dress thing. My mom bought a new dress for my wedding because it was the first formal event she went to in the past 7 years and she didn't have anything. I don't remember what she wore to my sisters slightly less formal wedding the next year... maybe it was the same one I dont' know. My bridesmaids were in high school and one used the wedding dress for a school dance after the event.

And we don't know what expectations are in the OP's area.

Again, the couple gets to pick the wedding date. I just think there are posters on here who think In laws are wrong no matter what they do/say, and that comes out in multiple threads, not just this one.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP(if you are still reading)--I don't think anyone answered your question:

No one really tried to force any changes on us, but a couple of people were a bit pushy hoping we'd give their opinions more weight than we did. My in laws really wanted us to push the date out a couple of months because we got married in Colorado in March and they were afraid a spring snow storm would wreak havoc with traffic and people would have to miss the wedding. It was a date which worked well for us for a variety of reasons and we figured if the weather were awful and only the people who lived right in town made it, oh well. We wouldn't be mad about someone not attending in that circumstance.
As it happened, we had a lovely spring day--sunny and warm.

DH's aunt had been a florist and still had the ability to buy wholesale and offered to do our flowers for us at cost as a wedding gift (we paid for our own wedding and were fresh out of college and on a tight budget). We had no flowers in teh church--just boquets for me and 2 bridesmaids, boutineers for Dh and two groomsmen and fresh flowers as a topper for the cake and for the flower girl's hair.
I wanted tight nosegay style flowers--just a dozen roses and a ribbon, not a big spray that covered half the dress and was the in thing mid 90s. The aunt kept telling me how out of style it was and how I would regret it. I didn't really care what was or was not in style, I just wanted what I liked. Funny thing---a year later those little nosegays were on the cover of all the bridal magazines---might be the only time in my life I was on the leading edge of a trend

 

[NHdisneylover]

As far as the specific issues posted by OP:

I don't think the couple os at all unreasonable to get married when they want--unless they expect people to travel to tehir wedding (or as many to as to the prior one) or the groom's family is paying for portions of it.

Hopefully the MiL is just have a bit of an emotional reaciton to having two kids grow up and take such big steps at the same time and will process through it and be over the "too close together" issue long before the wedding.
Or maybe she just wanted to make sure the couple understands that many invitees will not be able to make both (and may already have planned for the first wedding; or simply not want to take away from that first one) so they are not disapointed?

In our case, we got married exactly 6 months after DH's cousin (same church, same reception hall). Pretty much all of DH's in state family attended both weddings, but while most of the Iowa relatives travelled out for the cousin, only one family travelled out for ours.
Honestly, for us this was a good thing--it kept the costs down some and helped my family be less overwhelmed (from my side there were my parents, 2 aunts and one uncle----DH's side had twice as many peopel AT our wedding as I have relatives I know of at all!).

We paid for the wedding ourselves, so I do not think we put an undue burden on anyone---unless people mean in needing to buy two wedding gifts a few months apart--but can't people just gift what they can comfortbaly afford? We were not expecting really expensive things. Besides, DH is one of 4 kids and has aout 20 cousins who got married within a few years of us (as well as two of his siblings)---should have had to all space out our weddings and some people wait a decade or more so immediate family was not invited to multiple events in the same year? That seems perposterous to me.

 

[mjkacmom]

So, planning on next Fall... is not enough 'breathing room'.
That is not enough tine to buy gifts and mark calendars.
Really?????

Wow.... the lengths some people will go to try to justify!

Maybe you had s backyard bbq or a church basement reception - good for you. I planned my traditional NYC metro wedding in 8 months, which is almost unheard of, and it did take planning, and coordination of the families. You hate your IL's, right? And maybe your parents? Find them to be manipulative? I think the OP's MIL just wants to have the time, energy, and finances to be there 100% for both of her kids. Weddings are big milestones for parents. Plus, the couple scheduled the wedding at such an odd time, soon before graduation.

 

[mom2rtk]

Perhaps the MIL is a major controlling witch. We don't know. But I wouldn't make my decision based on this. I can totally understand her wanting to fully enjoy the process of planning and living in the moment of each of her children's weddings. It's a lot all at once.

Ultimately it's the couple's decision. But giving in a bit on this does not mean they have forever given up the ability to assert themselves with the MIL. I think it would be a nice resolution to delay until early 2018. That has the added benefit of pushing it just past graduation, which makes infinitely more sense anyway.

There were 12 people at my wedding, including me and my husband and the officiant. It went off without a hitch..was it not a real wedding?

But do we have any idea if that's the sort of wedding the OP's daughter would be happy with?

Hmm. I got married about 4 months after my SIL/BIL. And they got married 2 weeks after what was supposed to be my other BIL/SIL wedding (that went by the wayside during the planning process, though..)..

It wasn't a big deal... but, looking back now, as a parent, I would not want to do "all the stuff" that comes with weddings in a 2 month time span.

If they were doing simple - JOP, BBQ, small number of guests, casual, it wouldn't be a big deal. But, to add in travel for those guests, nice clothes in 2 different seasons, gifts for showers, bachelorette parties, wedding gifts, etc. I can see how 2 months would tick me off as the mother of one of the marrying parties.

Can they move it up to like, March/April of 2017? Bigger gap, less $$ spent on rent, etc.

Agree with the bold. But we have no idea if that's something the OP's daughter would be happy with.

I don't think one couple should have to wait a whole year just to give another the spotlight (and waiting two or three months would not be a reasonable compromise where I am because the weather would be a big factor then).

As long as the couple's feelings won't be hurt if not everyone can travel twice, or if MIL can't contribute quite as much, I think it's fine.

I'm also thinking if the two couples get married close together, they might end up having kids close together - who will be wonderfully happy growing up with cousins their own age!

Once again, we have no indication whether this couple will be above it all and not be hurt if some people can't be there or if they get less gifts, etc.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

While I agree it is ultimately the bride and groom's decision, I certainly see the MIL's point. Assuming both weddings are your standard 200-25 people, church, formal reception, showers, and all the periphery, that is a lot to do. The last couple months there is a lot going on and to have to go from one right into the other would be really stressful. I also would feel like I could not completely enjoy one wedding as I would probably be worried about everything I needed to do for the other. My parents went on vacation after our wedding as they both needed a break from all they had to do.

I also agree finances could be a huge part. I would want to donate the same cash for both, and that might be hard to come up with $40k when I was only planning on having to come up with $20k in 15 months. I probably would have a hard time voicing that to my child hence the reason for the other excuses.

Lastly, if it was my child I would not be thrilled with them getting married while trying to complete a degree. Even with a small wedding there is still a lot going on. I would prefer they push it back to a few months after graduation so they can focus on their studies those last few months. Graduating is stressful anyway. Adding wedding stress on top of that is a lot in my book.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I forgot I wanted to comment on the "so soon before graduation" issue. Everyone is different--for some people planning or throwing a wedding and studying would be too much. For others of us, the college classes are not that hard and working on other thigns at the same time comes easily, but maybe work (especially a new job, or promotion, shortly after graduation) might be harder to juggle around than the more predictable college schedule. I sort of assume that the couple, who already has experience with being in school, knows if they can handle it or not (and probably also knows what kind of wedding they are throwing and if they can afford it and plan it in teh time available to them, etc).

 

[Pixiedustaway]

No, but it also isn't about calling all of the potential guests to see which date might be good.

You decide on a date, schedule the church/hall/whatever. THEN you send out invitations. Those that can come, do. Those that can't, don't.

That's it.

The MIL has over a year to "get ready." To clear the calendar.

Honestly, to me. It sounds like she is simply trying to keep the focus on her daughter. Which is funny because the daughter doesn't have a problem with the date.

Agree. She's making all this drama out nothing...there is no such thing as a "wedding year"

 

[kamik86]

Maybe you had s backyard bbq or a church basement reception - good for you. I planned my traditional NYC metro wedding in 8 months, which is almost unheard of, and it did take planning, and coordination of the families. You hate your IL's, right? And maybe your parents? Find them to be manipulative? I think the OP's MIL just wants to have the time, energy, and finances to be there 100% for both of her kids. Weddings are big milestones for parents. Plus, the couple scheduled the wedding at such an odd time, soon before graduation.

I forgot I wanted to comment on the "so soon before graduation" issue. Everyone is different--for some people planning or throwing a wedding and studying would be too much. For others of us, the college classes are not that hard and working on other thigns at the same time comes easily, but maybe work (especially a new job, or promotion, shortly after graduation) might be harder to juggle around than the more predictable college schedule. I sort of assume that the couple, who already has experience with being in school, knows if they can handle it or not (and probably also knows what kind of wedding they are throwing and if they can afford it and plan it in teh time available to them, etc).

I also got married soon before graduation. I got married in November and graduated in May.

I did this because I wanted to be married before we moved and started my full time job. I wanted to move and transfer all my documentation in my new name and not have to do it twice, etc. This was all for convience as well as wanting to marry in fall.

For this couple I see it being even less of an odd time. Most people move after graduation. If they wont move together until they are married they want to be married before graduation so they move to wherever they will be going together. This makes perfect sense to me and seems like a really good reason why they wouldn't want to wait until after graduation.

Getting married in April would be before graduation but during classes. In November they could be planning late november which would mean they would be on break at most schools and have time for a honeymoon while on break if they so choose.

 

[smiths02]

I agree that this seems like a lot. You daughter graduates in May. Future Sister in law marries in Sept. Your daughter and her fiance marry in Nov. Fiance graduates in Dec.

I understand why the kids would want to get married, they want to live together, but it does seem like a lot for basically a seven month time frame.

Maybe future MIL just likes to throw a tantrum? I can be a little bit like that when I'm stressed. Not that I am proud of it, but I might have an initial shut down reaction and then calm down and realize it's going to be okay.

I hope that his mom will do that.