Emailing an old flame???

[pnelson]

Here's a situation: If you had been corresponding for some time via email with an old flame...just friendly emails several times a week on life and what you each have been up to. But you've hinted that you are interested. He was casually seeing someone and has kept that very private. Then all of a sudden, the next email says "By the way, we've both decided to move on, it was just a convenience relationship anyways." Would you take that as his way of saying "I want to let you know I'm free and available"? I'm not real close to the situation or how men think, but it seems to me that this couple have spent the last six months exchanging over 200 emails, and by him making a point of letting her know he is available, he might be interested in her? Would a guy even email for six months if he wasn't interested? Or maybe he is just being polite? Opinions please!

 

[danacara]

He's definitely interested. I would assume she is as well, though I suppose hearing about his "convenience relationship" may make her a bit skittish about getting involved?

 

[pnelson]

I don't know...I think a lot of men and maybe women enter into a relationship of "convenience" when they are lonely and there are no other prospects. This man is in his 40's so maybe finding someone to be compatible with is not as easy as it is in your 20's. I don't know if he is interested or not...He maybe just being polite and friendly and letting her in on what's going on in his life. But dishing about it is a little like being in "Sex in the City". I think relationships are fascinating.

 

[danacara]

My experience has been that the degree to which men communicate at the beginning of these things is a pretty good barometer of interest. If he's emailing ... and emailing ... he's definitely throwing his hat into her ring, so to speak. I personally think that stage of the relationship is wildly fun ... I hope she is having a great time with it, and is flattered.

 

[pnelson]

More like unsure, than flattered. His emails are more vague than hers, and he usually takes more time to respond to emails than she does. He was very vague about this relationship, but did take the time to let her know that it was over. Also, she thinks he's just being polite because he does initiate more emails than she does. I say if he has been emailing for over 6 months and responds at all than he is not blowing her off. If he weren't interested, he would have not responded over 100 times to emails. This goes on while we were at work...It's kindof like a soap opera, but I wanted to know what others think. I guess there is that possibility that he is just being polite and doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but I'm not sure.

 

[danacara]

I totally agree with you. Though the vagueness is rather puzzling, the fact that he's initiating and continuously emailing has to mean something.

My best friends are women in their 20s ... we overanalyze these issues for sport!

Do they talk on the phone at all? Does she have his number? (If not - potentially MARRIED jumps out at me in blinking red letters)

 

[pnelson]

Yes, she has his number, but no they don't talk on the phone. Also, she does initiate most of the emails...That's why we're wondering if he's just being polite and responding. He did initiate the one where he told her he wasn't dating the girl anymore. She did ask him about the vagueness and he did say that he doesn't really like email. I say since he doesn't like email, but has emailed over 100 times, he's making an effort because he is a little interested. Otherwise, why would he tell her about the end of his current relationship...and he would have blown her off by now-Don't you think?

 

[Blondie]

Do they talk on the phone at all? Does she have his number? (If not - potentially MARRIED jumps out at me in blinking red letters)

That's what I was thinking too! Also, you said that these e-mails go on at work?

What about when she goes home?

I'd be more concerned that he's not telling the truth here, that he is leading her on.

 

[pnelson]

But I'm not sure what he would be leading her on about...it's just friendly stuff, he's never said anything beyond casual vague stuff. Also, she has his home phone number and did call him there once...they talked about 40 minutes. It's at work because he actually doesn't have a computer at home. He really has stated his aversion to the things more than once. She has also shared her dating experiences with him. Her emails always come across as "friends only"-She talks about different guys she goes out with etc. She has always asked about his relationship...Like "How's it going with you and N?" He's never answered other than recently to say "We're over". Do you think he's leading her on?

 

[Blondie]

I'm always suspicious of anything like this that goes on over the internet.

I've had a few friends that were led on, only because it was a game to the other person. He got his kicks that way. You can never tell where a person is coming from until you meet them in person, and more than one time at that.

I'm not convinced it's "for real" until both parties have met each other's parents!

 

[Disney Doll]

If I were your co-worker, I wouldn't put too much stock in this one. If he were that interested, he'd have called and asked to take it further by now, after 6 motnhs of e-mailing.

The "my girlfriend and I are over" thing could be the truth or it could be a lie. She has no way of knowing if he vere even had a girlfriend, does she?

The "aversion to computers" thing is a bunch of hooey. Nobody these days has that much of an aversion to computers. Also, he doesn't have enough of an 'aversion" not to do it at work, now does he?

My guess...he's married to or living with someone, doesn't want to get caught e-mailing an old flame from home, is getting his jollies thinking the "old flame" wants him and keeps pursuing him electronically. I'd stop e-mailing and see what he does.

 

[pnelson]

I should say, they have gone out for drinks when he comes to town-He lives in another state. He does seem very honest. He did say if he was ever serious about someone, he would not be emailing. When he was dating this woman, she asked him several times if her emails were "intrusive" or bothering him, and he said no. I don't think he's leading her on, but perhaps he just sees her as a friend? I don't quite think that either. I still think part of him is interested, but because it's a Long distance thing, he's not really pursuing it? Is that possible?

 

[Pete's Mom]

Men are vague by nature anyway. I think he may be testing the waters to see what kind of relationship she is looking for. The fact that they had a past relationship too may be a factor. I agree with the poster who said women tend to over analyze. I know I do and a lot of times it has come back to haunt me. I would just take things slow if I was her.

Also, to me, it's a big turn off to hear a man or woman take about relationships. If he says it over, I would drop it and not probe him any further for info. For me, I HATE hearing about my boyfriend's ex-wife and past dating experiences and I can tell he feels the same if I mention my ex so I just try to avoid the subject and concentrate on us. He may be being vague because he doesn't feel comfortable talking about it even though he is not admitting it. If I was interested in someone in a manner more serious than being friends, I would not want to hear about them dating others. He may be confused and wondering, why is she talking about other men? Maybe he is being cool and standoffish until he knows what she wants and if she feels the same way. If I were her, I would back off, keep the e-mails on a more positive, upbeat mood, not mention her dating life, and quit putting him on the spot, IF and only IF she wants to be more than friends. Let HIM make the next move. I think he already has by saying it over between him and N.

Maybe he will open up more if she quits probing and asking so many questions. As the relationship develops, things may become more clear. Good luck to her!

 

[Pete's Mom]

Originally posted by Disney Doll
The "aversion to computers" thing is a bunch of hooey. Nobody these days has that much of an aversion to computers. Also, he doesn't have enough of an 'aversion" not to do it at work, now does he?.

I am a computer programmer, but NEVER send e-mails from home even though I have a computer and cable modem at home. As a matter of fact, I hardly ever log on to check my e-mails at home and my Inbox has a ton of junk that I have never cleaned out.

 

[pnelson]

I think the reason they talk about dating other people, etc. is that they have stated they would keep in touch as "friends". Now my friend has said stuff like "If I were there, I would definitely give the woman in your state a run for their money" etc. He was asking about her dating life, because she is recently divorced. But he hasn't asked about anything like that in a long time. I do think that if he wanted it to stop, he would come out and say it, but maybe not. But I do think he would stop emailing eventually. Sigh, who knows. I don't think he's being secretive though. I think the reason he hasn't called her is that he's not pursuing a relationship with her...but he still may be interested. Does that make sense? The only thing he has said about her dating life is "This might not be a good time for you", referring to the fact that she is recently divorced. Maybe he's waiting for a better time? Who knows.

 

[Pete's Mom]

Originally posted by pnelson
Maybe he's waiting for a better time? Who knows.

Or waiting to see if something better comes along before he commits to something. Sad, I know, but that's how a lot of men think and it sounds like that's what he just got out of.

 

[CookieGVB]

Sounds like he gets an ego boost from her emails, without them being threatening.

If he's an old flame, why'd they break up in the first place?

He told her they broke up - if he were using the other woman as an excuse, he never would have admitted she was out of the picture.

Why doesn't she just come out and ASK him if he's interested in starting up again? Is that what she wants?

 

[pnelson]

"He told her they broke up - if he were using the other woman as an excuse, he never would have admitted she was out of the picture.

You mean, if he wanted a reason to stop emailing, he could just pretend he is in a relationship? I thought of that too. So by telling her, he was leaving the door open for her-Right?

She doesn't want to ask...I think she wants to see what will develop, but in the meantime, it's the main topic of conversation.

 

[CBRorBust]

I think you need to tell your friend that she is wasting her time.

She is spending WAY to much time thinking about something that either isn't there or may not ever be there. Who wants to e-mail with an ex for 6 months??? There is a reason he is her ex! And it seems to me that he isn't being completely honest with her this go round either!

I know it's harsh, but tell your friend to get a new hobby. If she can't read him by 6 months, what is she really wanting from this in the end? Another relationship? A friendship with someone she doesn't even get after 200+ e-mails? What is it she is looking for?

To me it just seems like a big waste of time at work if she is just wanting to be "pen pals" and if that is the case, she shouldn't worry about all this anyways!

Sorry if I'm too harsh, but it just seems ridiculous to me that she is spending this much time being wrapped up in something that may or may not develop into anything in the end.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Maybe she could stop e-mailing him for a few days. See if he sends her an e-mail! I did that. I've been e-mailing a guy from high school for a number of years now. I got tired of basically spilling my guts while I wasn't getting much back about his life. I forced myself to NOT write him for a bit...as hard as it was. Sure enough, he e-mailed me on his own! Still chatting!