Elderly and drinking

[walden]

1. What they do is their own business.2. There is no way in hell I'd ever get in a car with someone who is drinking.


I think most people who know me know a friend was killed by a drunk driver when we were in Junior High. Yes, I STILL refer to this each and every time it has come up ergo I don't get in the car. I've paid for taxis when I've had a few drinkies, I've driven other people's cars, booked hotel room nearby... there are many solutions.

I'm finding this really hard to figure out. So, you are saying:

1. If people I know drink and drive it is not my business.

2. It is my business to find alternative transport for myself (because I once had a friend who was killed by a drunk driver and I am therefore worthy of sympathy) if the people I have been drinking with are liable to get on the road and kill themselves and others -- because I don't want to be killed myself.

3. It is not my business at any time, even though a friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver, to intervene with a person who drinks and drives. Because it is their business who they are likely to kill, and I am innocent because I took a cab to preserve my own life, in full knowledge that the driver was impaired.

Perhaps you didn't mean it, but that logic sounds rather odd to me.

 

[beaucoup]

OP here.
I posted DH drove the car home. I do not like driving cars that are not mine especially in strange cities and at night. I don't even like driving my own car at night. Especially expensive long Cadillacs. As it was, DH even bumped a curb very hard turning a corner since he too wasn't used to such a "boat" of a car.

Since they are not my relatives, and I was raised to respect my elders, and I do not know these people terribly well, I was not in a position to be talking to them about their drinking and driving. I "thought" DH would but he didn't pick up on what I was trying to tell him about asking him to drive us there, until we were already in the car. I've never been in this situation before so obviously it was not something we had ever discussed and he didn't realize I felt so strongly about it.

It is not something I ever plan on doing again, and it will be a long time before we find ourselves visiting them again.

You may think you might reaction one way, but when actually faced with a situation and certain factors, you may respond differently.

For sure, I will not allow myself to be put into such a situation again. With anyone.

 

[luvsJack]

OP here.
I posted DH drove the car home. I do not like driving cars that are not mine especially in strange cities and at night. I don't even like driving my own car at night. Especially expensive long Cadillacs. As it was, DH even bumped a curb very hard turning a corner since he too wasn't used to such a "boat" of a car.

Since they are not my relatives, and I was raised to respect my elders, and I do not know these people terribly well, I was not in a position to be talking to them about their drinking and driving. I "thought" DH would but he didn't pick up on what I was trying to tell him about asking him to drive us there, until we were already in the car. I've never been in this situation before so obviously it was not something we had ever discussed and he didn't realize I felt so strongly about it.

It is not something I ever plan on doing again, and it will be a long time before we find ourselves visiting them again.

You may think you might reaction one way, but when actually faced with a situation and certain factors, you may respond differently.

For sure, I will not allow myself to be put into such a situation again. With anyone.

You are right about that (bolded)! We all think we know what we would do but until we have been down that road there is no way to know.

Just a little advice from someone who has been there, if you ever find yourself in the situation of a big car and a drunk driver--driving very slowly will get you home! I once went out with my ex and some friends. They had this HUGE van. Everyone started drinking but me. When it came time to go home, I didn't have a choice but to drive. We went home at about 15 miles an hour. I had never driven a van before and this thing was huge!! Luckily there was no interstate driving involved!

 

[MrsPete]

OP, I know exactly where you're coming from. When I was a child, my father's family would visit for weeks at a time, and they drank all day every day. I wasn't really old enough to understand it at the time, but I knew that my mother was unhappy about it. In retrospect, I can't believe that my grandmother taught us to "make jello in our stomachs" to stop a hangover. She explained that if you drink the hot water/jello and then drink the cold water, your stomach'll fill with jello and it won't be able to churn and make you sick.

The facts that they're elderly and they drive a big car are really just distractors. The real problem is the drinking. It doesn't fit with your lifestyle, yet these people are relatives. You don't have any right to tell them how to live their lives, yet you do have the right to say what you'll allow in your home (hopefully your husband's on the same page). If it's a big enough problem, tell them that the non-stop drinking is just too much for you, and while you'd love to have them visit again, it'd be better if they stayed in a hotel and made it more of a part-time visit. If it't not a big enough problem for you to say that, then put up with it gracefully.

Drinking/driving wasn't really a problem for us because we lived so far out in the country that we really stayed at home all the time. Obviously, your situation's different. That's the law, and you should speak up about that. When you go out, drive your car or commit yourself to driving their big car. But you can't give in on that one.

If it's any help at all, today my siblings and I are not quite non-drinkers, but we're about as close as you can get to it. I haven't had a drink since our cruise last summer -- haven't really thought about wanting a drink either. I really think that we learned this from those visits. We didn't really admire those relative's behavior, and we didn't want to be like them.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

OP here.
I posted DH drove the car home...... You may think you might reaction one way, but when actually faced with a situation and certain factors, you may respond differently.

I'm glad your husband drove home. Even if he didn't like it, it was a much better option than letting the people drinking drive.

And as for me thinking I would react differently...I don't think, I know. I have been in that situation more than once and even during the times I had too much to drink myself, I still chose not to get into the car with someone who had been drinking. I have lost too many loved ones to drunk drivers for me to ever make that decision.

Please, If you ever do find yourself in that situation again and your husband is not there, get a cab. It is worth every penny, trust me.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, but there is just no cultural or age specific justification for drinking and driving.

OP, the only person you should discuss this with is your husband.
Just tell him very simply, in one sentence, that you will not be in a car that is driven by these people who are drinking...
Say, "Hey, you are free to do what you want, but I simply will not ride in a car driven by somebody who is DUI".

I am assuming that you don't have children involved...
But, no way would my husband or any relative find any justification to place undue risk on my child's life/well being.

 

[vettechick99]

They sound like a hoot to me!

 

[beaucoup]

DH & I talked about this tonight. He apolozigzed for not seeing that I wanted him to drive BOTH directions. He also did realize they had been drinking long before we left the house, and he said once we got into the car he realized too he should have been driving. sigh.....

I supposed he's so used to seeing how much they drink that maybe he has become a bit blind to it.

Glad to know that if we ever visit again, that this isn't going to happen again.

Just want to forget the past few days ever happened.

 

[stevenpensacola]

It still shocks me when I hear grown adults talking about how wasted they got "last night"...and how they don't remember driving home...and they laugh about it....makes you feel like you're back in high school.

Is it worth killing someone because you can't control yourself?

 

[Polyluvr]

To be honest, your concern with their drinking seems to be mostly your own disapproval of the action, and only a little bit the overall effect drinking is having on them. This is what they do. Don't make waves.

On the other hand, I do have a suggestion for the driving issue. Compliment the car. Say you've always wanted to drive one, then offer to chauffeur them while you're visiting. You want to do it to thank them for their hospitality.

Yes, it means you'll have to learn to drive a 'too big' car - or park far from everything. It means you can't criticize anybody's actions. It means you'll have to be careful driving. But the alternative is apparently to ride in a car with a driver who may have had too much to drink.

I second this~ if your biggest issue is the driving; seriously compliment the car and offer to drive everyone around.

 

[okeydokey]

There is no reason for the driving after drinks, and I'm glad your DH drove home. But there is no reason for your judging them for having a few drinks.

 

[Polyluvr]

There is no reason for the driving after drinks, and I'm glad your DH drove home. But there is no reason for your judging them for having a few drinks.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I'm finding this really hard to figure out. So, you are saying:

1. If people I know drink and drive it is not my business.

2. It is my business to find alternative transport for myself (because I once had a friend who was killed by a drunk driver and I am therefore worthy of sympathy) if the people I have been drinking with are liable to get on the road and kill themselves and others -- because I don't want to be killed myself.

3. It is not my business at any time, even though a friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver, to intervene with a person who drinks and drives. Because it is their business who they are likely to kill, and I am innocent because I took a cab to preserve my own life, in full knowledge that the driver was impaired.

Perhaps you didn't mean it, but that logic sounds rather odd to me.

You've misunderstood me. The drinkers in this scenario are old enough to drink. It isn't the drinking that bothers me, it is the driving. Perhaps if everyone took a stance about getting in a car with drinkers, their will be less lives lost. For the people in this scenario, clearly everyone just puts up with it. I would not and I'd tell them such. Again, drinking is a legal thing assuming the drinkers are over 21; drinking and driving is not, regardless of age. The drinkers are of age; however, drunk driving is something I'd never put up with.

I've just taken such a strong stance, no one in my circle drives after drinking. I hope they don't just abstain when I'm around, but I would never really know.

 

[sunnyday123]

They sound like a hoot to me!

I was thinking the same thing.

And really, if your DH wasn't picking up that you wanted him to drive, you weren't telling him the right way. It just seems like something that could have been handled very easily,and you didn't.

 

[beaucoup]

So much expect advice on this board. And so much clarity for people who weren't even there. I sure wish I was that gifted.


Thank you for all your opinions on everything I did wrong.

 

[sunnyday123]

So much expect advice on this board. And so much clarity for people who weren't even there. I sure wish I was that gifted.


Thank you for all your opinions on everything I did wrong.

No need for snarkiness, but what you did was wrong. You got into a car with people who were in your opinion ( because we weren't there) too drunk to drive. There's always a choice. It's a pretty cut and dry situation. They drank, then the drove.

 

[NHdisneylover]

No need for snarkiness, but what you did was wrong. You got into a car with people who were in your opinion ( because we weren't there) too drunk to drive. There's always a choice. It's a pretty cut and dry situation. They drank, then the drove.

I agree with this. You knew when you posted that we could only do our best to make judgments based on what was presented here. It is a message board and people will try to see what they can in a post and post about how they feel about it. Often they will disagree with you. Such is life online.

I pretty much think any adult who gets in a car with someone they believe to be impaired as the driver is in the wrong. Period. In your case, you could have simply an politely said "I'm sorry Aunt so&so but I am not comfortable riding in a car with someone who has had anything to drink, would you mind if husband drove?" Or you could have driven that big car anyway or simply declined to go (and taken you own car or a taxi later if you wanted.
I expect my teenager to speak up in these situations and I would certainly think an adult could handle it.

As to the other stuff: not knowing the situation (obviously) I agree that your tone in your posts comes across as judgmental and not as concerned for people who may truly have an addiction. If you would like to clarify how many cocktails you mean by drinking all day and how strong they were and if the people ever seemed "drunk" or out of control or not and if you have knowledge of whether this is a daily thing or just a holiday thing for them (to celebrate--or to get through dealing with family ), then maybe the rest of us can help and offer advice as to whether this is truly a problem or not. If you just get snippy though, well then no one can help anything.

 

[ratherbeatdisney]

im 34 and i dont drink now. but if i make it past 70 i think im gonna start ! they shouldnt drink and drive, but as far as drinking, i say go for it, if you make it that long what else is there left to do but get sloshed every day!

 

[mhsjax]

They sound like a hoot to me!

Sorry, but I don't see how people drinking all day and then having a drink on the way to the lodge to have another drink and then driving home is a hoot.

I see you have kids, would you still find them to be a hoot if they killed your children. There is nothing amusing about drinking and driving, which obviously, these people do.

Sorry but DH almost killed by DRUNK driver, this is not a hoot in the least.

 

[ckay87]

im 34 and i dont drink now. but if i make it past 70 i think im gonna start ! they shouldnt drink and drive, but as far as drinking, i say go for it, if you make it that long what else is there left to do but get sloshed every day!

Those were my thoughts. The impaired driving ASIDE, I can guarantee that once I reach an age where my responsibilities are fewer and my finances are perhaps freer, I will have a wine glass pretty much permanently affixed to my hand.

OP, it is so awkward when presented with an impaired driver situation. Even as an adult, I find it hard to deal with it, but it's something we have to do.