DS16 has no direction - need advice

[GothTink]

My DS16 has never shown any real interest in...well...anything at all that would result in a career one day. He's always been very indecisive about everything (even simple things, like what to have for breakfast). Whenever I've asked him what he wants to do for a career, he has no clue. He's very creative - loves to crochet, knit, sculpt, draw (though his drawing skills aren't the best). And has shown not even a flicker of interest in anything post-high school until recently. He's just finished his sophomore year and I took him with me on a business trip to NYC a few weeks ago. We visited the Museum of Modern Art and he freaked out over the sculptures on display. I mentioned casually that art school is an option and since then, he's been very intrigued by the idea - even going so far as to research art schools on his own and consider moving out of state, which he had been against before visiting MoMA. I was thrilled! He may not be the best artist, but the spark of intrigue was finally there!

But then tonight, when I read to him an article about art school which said that one should attend art school if art is their passion and not just a hobby. He frowned and said it's just a hobby for him, and looked so lost.

I have no idea what to do to help him find direction. I'll support any decision he makes and his dad and I have made many suggestions and tried hard to expose him to many options that might interest him. But alas...

I feel so lost as a parent. It feels like every other parent has helped their child decide on a path the moment they left the womb.

Any help is totally appreciated.

 

[princess.chell]

My advice, relax a little bit. I'm 18, just graduated high school and, actually, I'm going to art school next year. I also have a 16 year old brother who sounds exactly like your son, minus the art part. Honestly, my life sounded like your son's until about October/November of my senior year in high school.

For me, I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life; I was just kind of like floating around high school, just trying to survive it. I didn't even think about college until we were forced to in junior year. (I come from a hs were we have a 98% rate of students going to college, and it's not that college wasn't on my radar as I was planning on going, I just didn't know where or what for.) I think its kind of normal for student's your son's age to not be giving a ton of thought into college. If you would have asked me back then, or ask my brother now, I would have just stared blankly back you. The turning point was taking a class in something I was interested in. It was an elective, photography, combined with my AP Art class. I had taken all the photo classes I could take in high school so my friend suggested I take AP Art with her. I just wanted a full year of photo because I loved photography and, at that point, it was hobby. AP Art really opened my eyes though and next year I'll be studying photography in art school.

My advice (what I'm telling my brother to do too), encourage him to take different electives or different classes at school. Since he's into sculpture suggest he take a sculpting class or another art class, especially if art school is something he is interested in. If he likes science, maybe pick up an extra science class in the area he's interested in. That sort of thing. By taking something that was at first a hobby, just an interest, it turned into a passion and love for me. It really helped me find my way, even if I was a little bit behind my friend's in figuring it out.

 

[Planogirl]

Our son is having trouble deciding too and he's 17! He'll be a senior next year so it's definitely time to make up his mind.

I think that he has interests but feels unsure about picking a particular direction. I'm trying to be patient and kind of bump him along without being pushy. If DS only had more confidence! I was much like him though - I didn't decide until I was in my 20's.

 

[catycatcat4]

I think to much pressure is put on young people to pick a career.

Most people i know my age don't have a clue what they want to do.

I don't see why you can't take longer to decide take a year off after HS and work part time and/or take basic classes you will need no matter what.

Don't pressure you don't want your in a career they end up hating.


Another thought he may have a few ideas on what he wants to do and just doesn't want to tell you.

 

[KitKat_Tink]

does he have the option of a junior college for the general education courses?

That way he doesn't have to be so stressed about the choice. It lets him finish the basic requirements and then move on to a 4 year when he knows what he wants to do. At 16, most teenagers aren't sure yet. So he still has time. Its not that he has no direction, he just is indecisive probably. At 16 I was starting my senior year of high school, so i knew i had to chose soon, and though i knew what I wanted to do I didn't know what college was right. So in fall instead of going away to a university like most of my friends i'll be at the local junior college working on completing my general education. Not only does it give me time to think but it saves me soo much money. My 2 years there are equivalent in cost to one of my friends meal plans.

So even if he isn't sure when senior year roles around, and he still has time to decide what to do. There is still an option for him.

 

[bballmom56]

He's young! We put so much pressure on these young developing students to choose their life's course when they have hardly lived yet! I know, I wanted it to be the same way for my kids. I agree with the possibility of community college where he could at least get some Gen. Ed. courses out of the way (and at a much lower cost than a 4 yr. school, generally) and it will give him time to mature a little more and take a different look at life.

Otherwise if it has to be a 4 year school, find one that offers lots of options in majors. Many students change their original major once if not more. My DD (who thought she knew exactly what she wanted) changed once. My DS who didn't seem to know what he wanted found his major right from the beginning (although it changed many times during HS) and has stuck with it. DS was more of the challenge trying to help him find his way. We went from hospitality management to communications to business to sports management as possible majors. He ended up a computer science major which is what he really wanted all along. We were just afraid of the math! But as they mature and they find a goal, they become more driven to do what is necessary to achieve that goal.

I would also begin requiring him to make decisions on his own and living with his choices (such as the what to have for breakfast choices). Give him the options, have him decide (even if it means non-decision) and don't push it any further. He needs to have that experience of decision making now before he is off on his own.

16 year old boys are interesting creatures. Most of them do mature into responsible adults even though it may be hard to see that at 16! They just need a little more cooking and the result is well worth the wait!

 

[Nomi]

I'm 19 going on twenty and I still feel lost and unsure about what I want to do all the time. I've always been a bit of an artist, and since I was little people assumed, and eventually I did too, that I would go into fine arts. I did try one year of a fine arts program, but in the end, I wanted to have my drawing, painting, ect to be 'just' a hobby. Or rather, I wanted to keep it personal rather than turn it into a career, and have it loose that meaning for me. And now I'm going off to animation school, which I feel would open more careers for me that still involve a bit of my passion for art without consuming my hobby, if that makes sense.

I'm also considering the possibility of goldfish/betta/reptile breeding as a future career.

In the end, 16 is really too young to pressure into finding a career. And sometimes, as a kid, it's disheartening when a parent takes our passion or drive to do something into 'their' drive. It can cause us to loose interest, or feel that it isn't really our interest anymore. I speak from experience, here.

 

[DisneyFed]

When I was 16, I was sure I was going to be a professional soccer player...

When I was in College, I was going to be an engineer, then a doctor, then a lawyer........

I became a cop--then a Fed....

I know times are different these days, but at 16 all I wanted to do was play soccer---

I think I'd give it some time before I started worrying about this.........

Now, if he's the same way when he's 26.....

 

[golfgal]

I wouldn't worry too much about this right now. He still has a lot of time to discover what he wants to do--sometimes that is by process of elimination-taking classes and deciding if he likes the topic or not. Most high school kids haven't taken a lot of elective courses yet and those are the classes where a lot of kids find something they like. Our DS17 has talked about computer game design for years like 99% of all teenage boys until this past year he took AP psychology and LOVED the class. He is now thinking about going into counseling.

Start looking at schools that have a good overall reputation so he has many subject areas to chose from. Most colleges don't make you declare a major until the end of your sophomore year, some even into your junior year, so he still has a LOT of time to figure it out.

 

[kristilew]

If we were all following what we are passionate about, everyone here would be working at Disney World!

Why should a kid with no experience in life have any idea what he wants to do "when he grows up?" That's the point of a good college - exposing students to many options and helping them to find their way. Most colleges don't require declaration of a major until junior year. It's also possible to get a liberal arts degree that still doesn't really narrow down a path. And a lot of great careers just require a degree (or not), rather than a particular degree.

Give the kid a break. And, fwiw, the next time he perks up and shows interest in something like art school, maybe don't be so quick to shoot him down by reading him "helpful" articles that make him unsure of himself.

 

[bas71873]

I think to much pressure is put on young people to pick a career.

Most people i know my age don't have a clue what they want to do.

I don't see why you can't take longer to decide take a year off after HS and work part time and/or take basic classes you will need no matter what.

Don't pressure you don't want your in a career they end up hating.


Another thought he may have a few ideas on what he wants to do and just doesn't want to tell you.

ITA with this. I was pressured to go to college, by my parents (and everyone else was going so why not), but I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do. I was an honor roll student in HS, graduated in the top 10% of my class, but still just lost when it came to a "career". Heck, I''m 37 and still don't really know what I would do if I could do it all over (although it would probably be vet school to become a DVM). I did graduate college, had a successful career for 12 years or so as a paralegal (I'm now a full time SAHM), but I tell my parents all the time that I wish I'd just worked for a year or two after HS and maybe I would have found what I liked (or better yet, at least know what I don't like) and then I may have appreciated college a little more.

Don't push him. It will come.

Oh, my brother (5 years younger) and his best friend were NOT the student kind and both of them floundered around after HS and then friend went in to the Air Force and brother went Coast Guard and they are both now on great tracks (both in their early 30's, married with families). NO ONE would have ever thought, 10 years ago, that those 2 boys would be the family men they are now , much less military boys!

 

[PollyannaMom]

.....It feels like every other parent has helped their child decide on a path the moment they left the womb.....

Well, mine certainly didn't, and I'm OK.

Maybe he just got scared off a bit by thinking everyone else would be more serious than him, and will come back around to the art spark. Continue going to museums, "accidentally" leave the computer on art sites (or even the TV on iCarly - the older brother sculpts some crazy stuff.)

I think kids today are are just overwhelmed by the amount of choices they have for careers. There is a lot out there! If the subject of wading through it all comes up, I think one of the best pieces of advice you can give him is to look at the lifestyles he wants, and eliminate some form there. (For eample, if he does not want to travel, that knocks out x, x, and x, and so on.)

And don't rush him. I'm already on my "second career", and don't expect it to be my last. He's got lots of time to do lots of things.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My DS16 has never shown any real interest in...well...anything at all that would result in a career one day. He's always been very indecisive about everything (even simple things, like what to have for breakfast). Whenever I've asked him what he wants to do for a career, he has no clue. He's very creative - loves to crochet, knit, sculpt, draw (though his drawing skills aren't the best). And has shown not even a flicker of interest in anything post-high school until recently. He's just finished his sophomore year and I took him with me on a business trip to NYC a few weeks ago. We visited the Museum of Modern Art and he freaked out over the sculptures on display. I mentioned casually that art school is an option and since then, he's been very intrigued by the idea - even going so far as to research art schools on his own and consider moving out of state, which he had been against before visiting MoMA. I was thrilled! He may not be the best artist, but the spark of intrigue was finally there!

But then tonight, when I read to him an article about art school which said that one should attend art school if art is their passion and not just a hobby. He frowned and said it's just a hobby for him, and looked so lost.

I have no idea what to do to help him find direction. I'll support any decision he makes and his dad and I have made many suggestions and tried hard to expose him to many options that might interest him. But alas...

I feel so lost as a parent. It feels like every other parent has helped their child decide on a path the moment they left the womb.

Any help is totally appreciated.

The kids who have decided are kids that know what they want to do. And yes, it is a lot of kids. I know what you mean.

My 19yodd is having trouble with figuring things out and she is going to be a sophmore in college.

My 13yodd is one of those kids. She knows what she wants and is already heading in that direction.

I raised both of them the same, with the same exposures.

My 13yodd is just "different". She is good at school and talented in many areas. She loves to excel. I think it boils down to personal motivation.

So, a good start for your son might be a part time job.

 

[onelilspark]

From the time I entered HS, I was pretty set on what I wanted to do (Finance.) So I took a bunch of math courses, etc. I applied early admission to college and was the first in my class to be accepted. I've always had a pretty clear cut path on what I wanted to do, I wound up changing directions a bit, but even so, I made the decision and stuck on that path.

My younger brother? Hah, forget it. In HS he wasn't motivated at all, bright kid, but if something didn't interest him, he would totally tune out. Going into his Junior year, he was really stressed because he didn't know what he wanted to do...and I always did. My parents sat him down one day and said to him that what I did isn't the norm. To take his time to figure things out. If he didn't have a clear cut idea of what he wanted to do, he could stick around and go to Community College until he found something that interested him.

He wound up deciding that he loved languages and going into his Senior year, decided on a college. Over the course of college, he discovered a love for literature (in HS you couldn't get him to do assigned readings!) He wound up changing his major to English, with minors in French & Italian. He's an amazingly gifted writer, he just needed that spark, someone who would help pull it out of him. ...and he didn't discover this until half-way through his Sophomore year of college! He graduated this year, has a job that he'll work for 2 years, then he's going back to college to get his masters. He eventually wants to be a college professor.

Long story short...take a deep breath. Your son is 16, let him be 16. He'll have plenty of time to figure out what he wants to do. How many people switch their major 20 times in college? How many people in their 20s try out a handful of different careers? It's OK for him to be a little lost. Remove some of the pressure, and I think you'll be amazed at what he can do.


EDIT: If he's interested in Art, don't forget that being an artist isn't the only direction! What about Art History?? I took a few of those classes in college and absolutely loved it...but I'm a horrible "artist!"

 

[golfgal]

ITA with this. I was pressured to go to college, by my parents (and everyone else was going so why not), but I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do. I was an honor roll student in HS, graduated in the top 10% of my class, but still just lost when it came to a "career". Heck, I''m 37 and still don't really know what I would do if I could do it all over (although it would probably be vet school to become a DVM). I did graduate college, had a successful career for 12 years or so as a paralegal (I'm now a full time SAHM), but I tell my parents all the time that I wish I'd just worked for a year or two after HS and maybe I would have found what I liked (or better yet, at least know what I don't like) and then I may have appreciated college a little more.

Don't push him. It will come.

Oh, my brother (5 years younger) and his best friend were NOT the student kind and both of them floundered around after HS and then friend went in to the Air Force and brother went Coast Guard and they are both now on great tracks (both in their early 30's, married with families). NO ONE would have ever thought, 10 years ago, that those 2 boys would be the family men they are now , much less military boys!

Statistically most kids that do this never go to college-which I am sure your parents know. It is easy to say 15 years down the road that "I would have gone" but chances are you would have found a full time job and wouldn't have had time to go to school too.

 

[eliza61]

My 13yodd is just "different". She is good at school and talented in many areas. She loves to excel. I think it boils down to personal motivation.

.

Op, I'm 50ish and I'm just discovery my passions. LOL.

Seriously, I often feel so sorry for kids today. Lord, the pressures we put on each them. We just had a thread where some one wanted to know when kids should starting prepping for the SAT and her kid was 3.
Kids are born today and if they aren't fluent in 2 languages and reciting the complete works of Shakespear by the time they're 6 all heck breaks loose.

As parents we hear all these news reports and other parents saying teens should have the life together by the time they are seniors and of course we look at our kids (who are probably perfectly normal) and we panick. Throw in some teen tv shows where all the kids have their acts together and forget it.

I would encourage your son with his art, make sure he is doing well in school and then suggest a Jr college.

 

[clarabelle]

I have ordered my DD "The book of majors" from Amazon.
Just to help her get an idea of what is out there because she is interested but I don't expect her to make that decision yet and fully expect her to change her mind a few times

I like the idea of a career not being your "forever career"

I think we need the freedom to be able to switch at some point.
Much less pressure that way.

I do understand where you are coming from. I am around many really driven kids who compete in sports or academics from an early age and it is hard not to make comparisons.

 

[Octoberbride03]

Don't worry about it. I had my life mapped out at his age, and now I'm 37 and while i went and got that degree I learned that it what wasn't really what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

My advice would be to let him search on his own for something and DON"T pressure him into anything. Let him find what he wants at his own speed. If his HS offers career testing then have him do that. It can point him in directions he never thought of. And if a year from now he doesn't seem interested in college then let him get a job and go to work for a year. I wish I'd done that instead of going straight through. I know a lot of people who wish that.

Bottom line is he is 16 and he has the rest of his life in front of him. Let him take his time and be happy.

 

[FireDancer]

I didn't know what I wanted to do until I was 22. I knew I wanted a business degree but didn't want to get something generic or that I wouldn't like down the road. I took a couple of years after college to get out into the workforce and figure out what I really liked. I got into I.T. almost by accident and really liked it so I went back to school for a degree in Information Systems.

Had I decided on my career at the age of 16 I would definitely have chosen something different and while I never know how it would have turned out I really like my choice, have a good career, and look forward to work almost every day.

I wouldn't worry about it yet, 16 is pretty young to decide what you want to do for the next 50+ years.

 

[Planogirl]

I think that parents feel a lot of pressure because of the bad job market. They want their child to be as prepared as possible but it's nerve-wracking thinking of the problems they might face. Also, paying for college is another issue. Scholarships and grants help but they tend to be field of study or school specific and if the kid doesn't know what to do it's hard to apply for them.