DS16 has no direction - need advice

[piglet too]

I agree with another poster who mentioned other careers in the art field. Maybe he could teach art?

Don't feel like you have been bad parents, I am sure that is far from the truth. My DS, who is the same age as yours, knows what he wants to do. But DH and I have done nothing to get him there. We support him 100% in his path, and if he told us tomorrow that he no longer wanted to be a Marine Biologist, we would still support him 100% and make sure he knows it, just as I am sure your son knows that you and his dad are behind him and love him no matter what.

 

[Tinkermommy]

My career choices when I was that age were archaeologist/Egyptologist or a special ed teacher. I am really glad that I never went into those fields.

I have a marketing job now and I love it. It's not at all what I would have seen myself doing in my teen years.

I still love archaeology but it is more a hobby/field of interest. And I would really not have been happy being a teacher. I love kids, but not for hours a day.

A while back some friends of mine where going through a "what do I want to be when I grow up phase" but at thirty odd years of age. They went to a Life Coach. They basically did a some testing to determine personality type/interest, etc. So it helps people focus on the types of careers that would be interesting to them.

If he is of a more artistic nature, then a business/corporate job may not be for him. But if likes/loves art, there are numerous jobs that are available (curator, work in an art gallery, mural painter, medical artist, cartoonist, etc).

I would encourage him to explore different things. Get a part time job or even volunteer his time to see what he really likes. And if he doesn't like one thing, then move on to the next.

 

[nmmom95]

Does your local community college have a summer art program for teens? Maybe he could try it and see if art school is for him?

 

[AKL_Megs]

There was a song back in 1999 with tons of advise given off to a beat, it said, "Don't worry about what you are going to do with your life. Some of the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22, some of the most interesting 44 year olds I know still don't."

Parents make us worry too much.

At 16, I wanted to be a travel agent.

At 18, I HAD to have a career goal when I went to college, according to my parents. At the time, I wanted to be an interior designer, so my parents spent thousands of dollars on that degree.

At 21, I got in the field and HATED it.

It wasn't until I was 25 that I found my true calling.

I am 27 now and my life, financially and otherwise, hasn't been drastically thrown off course because I didn't know at 22...

Don't worry mom, when he figures it out, it will be awesome!

 

[disney1990]

I wouldn't be concerned at age 16.

So many of my friends went to college and now don't do anything related to their college education. My own daughter has an honors degree in theater. Now at age 33 she is back in school studying to be an RN; she will graduate in December.

 

[jagmom]

Oh lord, I am (gulp) going to be 31 in a month and I still don't know if what my degree is in is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I am an accountant, btw with a CPA license.

 

[GothTink]

Excellent advice all around - the thing is, I worry that because he struggles in school that he'll end up as a gas station attendant or something else that won't provide him wih a promising financial outlook.

I knew what I wanted to be at 12, but my family wasn't supportive and didn't encourage me at all. So I ended up an unemployed stay at home mom until my early 30s. I just want better for him.

Statistically most kids that do this never go to college-which I am sure your parents know. It is easy to say 15 years down the road that "I would have gone" but chances are you would have found a full time job and wouldn't have had time to go to school too.

This is a big concern I have.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I think you are complicated matters. I thought I wanted to be a high school history teacher when I was 16.

By the time I got into college, that changed to a high school English teacher.

I ended up with English Lit and Comp Sci degrees and no teaching certificate.

When my son was 5, he wanted to teach bats Karate. Now, at 10, he wants to be the band director at Penn State. Up until last month, my 13 year old daughter wanted to be a professional French horn player. Now she wants to be a Friend (and member of the Main St Philharmonic) at Disney.

 

[tonilea]

I think my sister was born knowing what she wanted to do with her life. Me? Not so much, as a kid, I wanted to be everything from a truck driver to a veternarian, but NEVER, EVER a teacher. I am 40. This fall, I be a first time college student, studying to be a.........yep, you guessed it....teacher.

 

[graygables]

I wish I had taken a few years off before starting college. I wound up dropping out, marrying the wrong person, and having to go back as a single mom with 2 young children. Had I had some time to get my head together and figure out more completely who I was first, I think I would have avoided a lot of heartache.

For those who say that most won't go back to school, that depends entirely on the person and the choices he or she makes. I am getting ready to graduate with a Master's degree at 45yo. There is no expiration date on education. "Life is a series of choices" after all.

That said, let me share my philosophy. I homeschool my younger 2 children and homeschooled the older 2 at various times. I teach them character, I teach them HOW to think (as opposed to WHAT to think), I give them roots and I give them wings. I do NOT get to decide the direction of the wind. My children understand "enough". My "enough" includes a nice house, a decent car, good food to prepare at home, and a bit extra for some fun now and again. My oldest DD's "enough" includes organic foods and very expensive imported and sea foods. She feels the need to eat out more than we do and her budget reflects that. My 22yo's "enough" includes discounts on clothing and makeup so she works 2 jobs at her favorite shops.

Oldest was also pushed into college by my parents (they didn't learn the first time) and dropped out, but now her caviar tastes are outstripping her beer budget, so she has finally gone back to school now that she has seen the world and has a better focus. 22yo has absolutely no interest in college whatsoever, she only went to qualify for the Disney College Program, which she did quite happily, then dropped out. I don't anticipate her ever going back to college. I also don't ever anticipate her going hungry because she understands "enough" and lives debt free and quite frugally. The key piece is she is VERY happy and that is success in my book.

Not everyone is cut out for college. They just aren't. Our society puts so much pressure on everyone to go to college and be "financially successful". Oh. Please. Who is going to collect the garbage if everyone is on Wall Street? The folks who do that are just as valuable to our society as the bankers and the programmers, if not moreso. They also make pretty good money. Why is "flipping burgers" something we disparage? If we treated those people with more respect for working hard, maybe they wouldn't feel like 2nd class citizens who question themselves for NOT toeing the society line of "you shoulda gone to college" (even if you have no aptitude and actually enjoy what you do).

Wow...stepping off soap box. Give the kid a break. Don't make him go to college or feel guilty for NOT wanting to go. Help him learn what his "enough" is and he will find a way to have it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

This is a big concern I have.

While I LOVED college (in fact I would go back and have several degrees if my funds were unlimited) and I do know having a degree can really make a difference in your career, I also do not think it is essential. IF your son were to take a couple of years to work and figure out what he wants to do (and hoenstly he still has plenty of time in highschool and may well come to some sort of idea before he graduates anyway) and then IF he gets a good job that he likes and does not feel he needs to stop to get a degree why is that a bad thing Not everyone really likes/wants the academic path.

DSiL went to college because it was expected in her family. She was never bad at school but never particularly good t it or motivated either. School was all about the social life for her (as was college). She struggles through Algebra twice and scraped by with a D the second time, etc.
She ALWAYS loved fashion so she majored in that (sorry I do not know the exact major, she is older than I am and this was before my time). She took that hobby she loved and really tried to make a career out of it. She did a semester in Paris, etc. She struggled to make a true career for 15 years after graduating--she did design work on displays for Sacks and Niemens, etc. She had it in her head that her parents paid for that degree and that she had to use it (and truthfully had there been no pressure to get a degree from those same parents she probably would not have done so). She finally could not stand the pressure anymore, had lost her love and passion for fashion and was totally burnt out. For the past 4 years she has worked as a delivery driver for Fed Ex. She loves it. She makes good money (better than she ever did working in "her field"), has great hours and decent stability. She wishes she had never forced herself to choose and to "focus" and a career--she lost a lot of years to stress and unhappiness. It took a couple of years away but now she enjoys fashion as a hobby again too.
SO my point is, it is possible for some people to be very happy and productive doing something that does not require a great amount of skill or education. I think pushy parents who mean well demean this and sometimes unintentionally make a person feel s/he cannot or should not choose such a life even when ti is what would make him or her happy.

 

[landshark]

Whether or not you put a lot of pressure on your son, he's likely still exposed to it elsewhere. There's so much societal pressure to find that perfect job you'll be happy doing it for the rest of your life--it's a lot for a 16 year old to process. When I was around that age, I figured I'd go to the nearby community college (which I did) but that was it. Even when I started college, they constantly talked about where I would transfer afterwards and that was a complete mystery to me. Some kids dream their whole lives of going to such and such college, but I never cared--I went to a state school that happened to have my program.

I think there's a lot of truth to doing something you have a passion for--art has always been my hobby, but food has been my passion for a long time. I'm going to be 26 in less than a month and I still have regrets about majoring in design (with an art minor) after deciding I couldn't physically handle being a chef. I can tell you this is something I do not want to be doing the rest of my life and has essentially ruined what was once an enjoyable hobby for me.

Don't focus on the obvious career choices--there's all kinds of other things that could be done with the same major. Encourage and help him research potential jobs related to things he's interested in. Also encourage him to take any elective that remotely interests him--it's a good way of finding things you might be interested in but never considered. Through an internship/volunteering/part-time job he may even find something he likes that he wouldn't have otherwise encountered in school (that's how I found the niche field of packaging design). If you have a community college nearby, he should be encouraged to go that far and get some kind of degree under his belt. If it's anything like mine was, they might have transferrable and/or degree-granting programs for something he's interested in. From there he could decide if he wants to work, transfer, or take a break.

 

[Sparx]

The only thing you need to worry about right this heartbeat is his current grades/classes. He needs to work hard in high school, even if he has no idea where he's going afterwards. Even if he never goes to college, he should still put in a lot of hard work in high school. If he is doing well in his classes and taking classes that colleges want, don't worry right this heartbeat.

I think its great that you want him to be passionate about his career. Most 16 year olds can't fathom the rest of their lives, let alone what they want to be doing for that period of time.

I'm 100% not an advocate of taking time off. Sure, everyone knows someone that it worked out great for (like firedancer's story) but how many of us also know someone that it didn't work out great for? In my state, he would also lose elegibility towards a 4000k per year (up to five years) lottery scholarship. If you take a year off, you just can't get it.

I'd lean towards, when the time comes, applying to large insitutions that have many, many majors avalible. Let him go in undecided and look around. Take his gen ed classes for a few semesters and see what peaks his interest. I took classes in the first semester of my freshman year that I didn't imagine EXISTED let alone that there were majors built around!

Good luck OP!

 

[DawnCt1]

I feel that a liberal arts college education is for the purpose of sorting out one's goals or discovering them. 16 is too young to decide on a "life path".

 

[BlueIrish]

I wouldn't worry to much. Hell I know plenty of 30+ year olds that still don't know what they want to do.
I think a junior college is a good place to start, do your gen eds and find something that your drawn into.

I thought I wanted to work in Media and went to college for that. Now I am a police officer. So you just never know where life can take you. 16 is still very young.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I think it's important for parents to give kids direction and provide them with goals, at least at first. Then as time goes on and maturity sets in the individual will decide for him or herself where they actually want to be.

I say this because I remember seeing a useful episode of Oprah years ago where she put together all sorts of families with high achieving kids. The one thing they all had in common is that they set their kids goals high but within their kids ability levels. Not to the point where the kids were a trembling mess, but more to the point where the kid had an idea of how to get whatever it is they wanted. For example, I clearly remember a poor family who would drive around rich neighborhoods for open houses and let their girls see what money could bring them. I think one of the girls became a Surgeon and the other a Lawyer. The point is the parents made success tangible for these kids, they put this stuff within their reach and told them how to go about achieving their goals. You want a house like this study useful material hard, don't mess around with nonsense and it can be yours.

I try to do this with my own kids DS12 & DD11 but am careful to not map things out too tightly so they never feel like they disappointed me. I try not to allow their teachers to push math too hard, they are good at it but who knows if this is who they want to be. Instead I offer a nice selection of high performing jobs within their ability levels regarding academics and disposition such as Surgeon (like my Grandpa & many cousins), Corporate Lawyer (cousins), Computer Programmer, Video Game Programmer (check out Electronic Arts offices - SWEET), Clothes Designer, Electrician (my other Grandpa), even High End Hair Stylists and Exotic Car Mechanics. The way I see it, the higher you aim the higher you'll be even if you fall short.

Truth is in the end I don't really care what they end up doing as long as they are happy but I believe they need guidance more than my nod of approval right now. They are free to disagree with my guidance, in fact I applaud them when they come up with their own ideas, but experience has taught me that a kid without anything to disagree with an easily get into trouble KWIM.

 

[snykymom]

First, I'm in my 50's and on my third career. I'm not sure it's my last.

Second, the career that I am in now didn't even exist when I graduated from college, and needless to say, has nothing to do with any of my degrees.

Third, there's no reason for your son to give up on art, or to concentrate on it right now. Let him explore schools that have good fine arts departments within a liberal arts curriculum. Remember that high schoolers have only been exposed to a few potential careers so far. They have no clue what's out there!

He'll be fine.

 

[PenguinWaiters]

Second, the career that I am in now didn't even exist when I graduated from college, and needless to say, has nothing to do with any of my degrees.

Third, there's no reason for your son to give up on art, or to concentrate on it right now. Let him explore schools that have good fine arts departments within a liberal arts curriculum. Remember that high schoolers have only been exposed to a few potential careers so far. They have no clue what's out there!

He'll be fine.

I agree with both of these points. I see many students who come into my college with a general interest in art but no specific career in mind. That can be unsettling but ultimately leaves them open to the multitude of careers that they have never even HEARD of but end up loving.

I am in touch with one alum who has his own Glassblowing Studio/Shop and one who is a Museum Curator - both came in with a general interest in art but did not major in Fine Arts. My school is a liberal arts school with a Fine Arts major but also with related majors/minors such as Art Education, Arts Management, Art History, etc.. that many of our students find to be a good balance for their interest in art and their desire to have a career that is not being a professional artist. There are lots of liberal arts schools that have these types of programs and his Guidance Counselor should be able to help him find some to explore.

Good luck!

 

[GothTink]

Give the kid a break. Don't make him go to college or feel guilty for NOT wanting to go. Help him learn what his "enough" is and he will find a way to have it.

For the record, I never said "My son doesn't want to go to college, but I want him to go". I said "My son has no direction".

I went to three colleges, flunked out of two, quit the third and am now a NYT bestseller. So I know college isn't for everyone. I just wish he had more drive to do something.

From the comments it seems I'm being lumped in with those helicopter, over-pressuring parents that desperately want to micromanage their child's life and have their life plan mapped out at age two. I'm not. I was just excited that he'd FINALLY shown a spark of interest in something, and frustrated that that interest waned so quickly. I realize he'll find his way. It's not that he hasn't chosen his ultimate career that troubles me...it's that he's not showing interest in anything. At all. College, the military, a job at the 7-11. Nothing.

And apparently I'm the only one going through this...?

 

[LuvOrlando]

For the record, I never said "My son doesn't want to go to college, but I want him to go". I said "My son has no direction".

I went to three colleges, flunked out of two, quit the third and am now a NYT bestseller. So I know college isn't for everyone. I just wish he had more drive to do something.

From the comments it seems I'm being lumped in with those helicopter, over-pressuring parents that desperately want to micromanage their child's life and have their life plan mapped out at age two. I'm not. I was just excited that he'd FINALLY shown a spark of interest in something, and frustrated that that interest waned so quickly. I realize he'll find his way. It's not that he hasn't chosen his ultimate career that troubles me...it's that he's not showing interest in anything. At all. College, the military, a job at the 7-11. Nothing.

And apparently I'm the only one going through this...?

You are not being a helicopter parent because you care about your kid.

I can't help but wonder if your own success might not be intimidating to your child. Congrats on your exceptional success, it is wonderful. However I've known a few very successful people whose kids went the opposite direction because they couldn't stand the thought of not filling their parents shoes. This includes a a Plastic Surgeon uncle whose son died of a Heroin overdose, a Oral Surgeon cousin whose son dropped out of High School, and a accomplished Chemical Engineer whose son got his GED (nothing wrong with GED but this kid could have been a Biophysicist). All 3 kids were born just as brilliant as the parents but they couldn't stand the heat so they left the kitchen altogether. Now, I don't think any of these parents did anything wrong. Instead, I think the kids looked at their father's as average and since they couldn't be their parent's version of average, which is spectacular to the rest of us, they did nothing at all. Personally I'm aware of it because my brother was a musical prodigy who could play anything by ear and I distinctly remember my shame when I needed lessons. Obviously needing lessons is NORMAL and being a prodigy is not, but kids just can't reason that way, whatever happens in their world is, by definition, 'normal'. In the end I refused to learn anything because not doing something because I didn't try was preferable to a full on failure. Now it seems unreasonable but as a vulnerable kid it made perfect sense even if I never would have admitted it. If you can maybe you can find a therapist who can help him sort himself out. It's not so much that your DS isn't into college, as you said it's not for everyone, but beng so apathetic towards everything does seem a bit troubling. I'd feel the same as you if I were in your shoes. I really do wish you the best GothTink.