DS - First breakup help

[mmfan53226]

Good Morning ~

I am hoping that this group can help me with advice to offer my DS who is going through a break up (the first one)

Background my DS is a very caring boy, who is not the type to date a girl just for the sake of having a girlfriend and is loyal beyond belief. One problem for him is he is very much an introvert and has a hard time putting himself out there. Doesn't like to go to school dances, has a hard time talking to people unless he has something to say.

DS was friends with a girl that was 2 years older than him (they met when he was 14 and she was 16, at our campground and turned out she live in the same area as we did. They started out just texting each other and considered each other their best friends and remained that way for a year, talking on and off. Never saw each other, until camping Labor Day weekend last year. And when she saw him, I could tell something had changed with her and how she looked at DS (he no longer looked like a little kid, but an attractive young man). They still remained friends and talked a little bit more than the previous year, and she was asking him to do stuff together, but he was always busy with his friends or sports. Because he kept turning her away, she was mad that he wouldn't spend any time with her and they got into a huge fight. He didn't want to deal with it, so he deleted her from facebook, instagram and his phone. She was so hurt that she finally contacted him again and came clean that she really liked him and wanted to date him and has wanted this since that September.

He didn't change anything in their relationship, because he didn't want to wreck there friendship and he wasn't ready to date.

So, this Memorial Day, she was at the campground and really pushed the dating. And he told her he needed to think about it because he knew she was leaving for college in August and didn't think it would last. She told him no, that they had such a good foundation, that nothing would change. He went back and forth and thought because they had so much in common and got along so well, he would go for it.

She leaves for college and writes him 38 love letters to get him through the time until they saw each other again, made plans for that weekend. And went about there relationship, talking, texting and face timing.

I thought, this may actually work, they have a plan in place to make it work. Until he started to do things with his friends like to school football games, she would get mad because he didn't know what was going on with other girls. He tried to reissue her that he was going no where and only wanted a relationship with her.

Then this past Sunday, we were at our DD volleyball game and he sends us a text that the girlfriend broke up with him. When he talked to her that morning she was really short with him and finally said I just don't know what I want and he said is this a breakup coming and she said she wants him in her life but more in the capacity that he was before they started to date.

He was totally blindsided and is struggling, because 12 hours before the breakup came, that she was telling him how much she needs him in her life and can't wait until they see each other again, because she misses him so much.

I did explain to him that she has a new found freedom and friends and maintaining a relationship when you are over an hour a way is hard to do. And I was guessing that something had to go - school work, relationship, new freedom or new friends and she decided it was the relationship.

She still texts him almost everyday to see how he is doing and how school is going. And has even told him that she sees them getting back together, just not right now because she has to focus on school (aka the new freedom she has)

Which I told him he needed to decide if while she is going through these changes he wanted her still in his life as a friend, or he needed to cool it off until he has processed everything.

I am trying to get him out of his shell and tell him to meet new people at school, maybe be a little more social at school. But he is now afraid of the rejection. He was thinking about going to homecoming but is afraid to ask someone to go to the dance with him for fear they will turn him down and doesn't want to be a 3rd wheel with all of his friends that are going with dates.

I am really looking for help from those who have been through this and what you did.

Thanks for the help!!!!

 

[sam_gordon]

Good Morning ~

I am hoping that this group can help me with advice to offer my DS who is going through a break up (the first one)

Background my DS is a very caring boy, who is not the type to date a girl just for the sake of having a girlfriend and is loyal beyond belief. One problem for him is he is very much an introvert and has a hard time putting himself out there. Doesn't like to go to school dances, has a hard time talking to people unless he has something to say.

DS was friends with a girl that was 2 years older than him (they met when he was 14 and she was 16, at our campground and turned out she live in the same area as we did. They started out just texting each other and considered each other their best friends and remained that way for a year, talking on and off. Never saw each other, until camping Labor Day weekend last year. And when she saw him, I could tell something had changed with her and how she looked at DS (he no longer looked like a little kid, but an attractive young man). They still remained friends and talked a little bit more than the previous year, and she was asking him to do stuff together, but he was always busy with his friends or sports. Because he kept turning her away, she was mad that he wouldn't spend any time with her and they got into a huge fight. He didn't want to deal with it, so he deleted her from facebook, instagram and his phone. She was so hurt that she finally contacted him again and came clean that she really liked him and wanted to date him and has wanted this since that September.

He didn't change anything in their relationship, because he didn't want to wreck there friendship and he wasn't ready to date.

So, this Memorial Day, she was at the campground and really pushed the dating. And he told her he needed to think about it because he knew she was leaving for college in August and didn't think it would last. She told him no, that they had such a good foundation, that nothing would change. He went back and forth and thought because they had so much in common and got along so well, he would go for it.

She leaves for college and writes him 38 love letters to get him through the time until they saw each other again, made plans for that weekend. And went about there relationship, talking, texting and face timing.

I thought, this may actually work, they have a plan in place to make it work. Until he started to do things with his friends like to school football games, she would get mad because he didn't know what was going on with other girls. He tried to reissue her that he was going no where and only wanted a relationship with her.

Then this past Sunday, we were at our DD volleyball game and he sends us a text that the girlfriend broke up with him. When he talked to her that morning she was really short with him and finally said I just don't know what I want and he said is this a breakup coming and she said she wants him in her life but more in the capacity that he was before they started to date.

He was totally blindsided and is struggling, because 12 hours before the breakup came, that she was telling him how much she needs him in her life and can't wait until they see each other again, because she misses him so much.

I did explain to him that she has a new found freedom and friends and maintaining a relationship when you are over an hour a way is hard to do. And I was guessing that something had to go - school work, relationship, new freedom or new friends and she decided it was the relationship.

She still texts him almost everyday to see how he is doing and how school is going. And has even told him that she sees them getting back together, just not right now because she has to focus on school (aka the new freedom she has)

Which I told him he needed to decide if while she is going through these changes he wanted her still in his life as a friend, or he needed to cool it off until he has processed everything.

I am trying to get him out of his shell and tell him to meet new people at school, maybe be a little more social at school. But he is now afraid of the rejection. He was thinking about going to homecoming but is afraid to ask someone to go to the dance with him for fear they will turn him down and doesn't want to be a 3rd wheel with all of his friends that are going with dates.

I am really looking for help from those who have been through this and what you did.

Thanks for the help!!!!

So he's at least 15 now or 16? Personally, I think you give him a shoulder to cry on (if that's what he wants) and an ear to talk to. Other than that, it just takes time. He'll bounce back.

There's no magic words to make things better or make the hurt go away. You can even tell him that if he asks you for advice. But if he doesn't ask you for advice, I think you just let him be.

I know it's hard to see our kids hurt, but it's a part of life.

 

[minkydog]

Yikes! She sounds like a stalker. Pushing for an exclusive relationship, 38 love letters since August? Gushing about how much she needs him then breaks up 12hrs later. This girl is insane.

I'm sure your DS doesn't want to hear this, but I think he just dodged a bullet. It sounds like she wants to string him along while she samples other opportunities at college. He needs to step away and focus on school.

 

[mmfan53226]

So he's at least 15 now or 16? Personally, I think you give him a shoulder to cry on (if that's what he wants) and an ear to talk to. Other than that, it just takes time. He'll bounce back.

There's no magic words to make things better or make the hurt go away. You can even tell him that if he asks you for advice. But if he doesn't ask you for advice, I think you just let him be.

I know it's hard to see our kids hurt, but it's a part of life.

Thanks - that is what I have been doing and trying make him see that this isn't the end of the world. But because of personality, he doubts if any girl will ever find him interesting.

I try to give him suggestions to other things he could be doing to keep his time occupied until he gets over this but, all he wants to do is just be by himself. And before he got into this relationship he was really starting to come out of his shell, now he seems to be taking a step backwards.

 

[mmfan53226]

Yikes! She sounds like a stalker. Pushing for an exclusive relationship, 38 love letters since August? Gushing about how much she needs him then breaks up 12hrs later. This girl is insane.

I'm sure your DS doesn't want to hear this, but I think he just dodged a bullet. It sounds like she wants to string him along while she samples other opportunities at college. He needs to step away and focus on school.

Thanks - that was one thing that I thought about her, she is very needy.

I just want to make this easier for him since it is his first real relationship hurt. I tried to prepare him all through the summer that there was a very good chance the relationship wasn't going to last. Since they were going to be in different chapters in there lives.

 

[stsomewhere]

My son is 16 and a junior. He has dated older girls since his freshmen year. His first girlfriend was a senior.

He was sad when they broke up and she went away to college.
\\But, he told me that

the problem with dating someone is you either break up or marry them.

 

[Lynne M]

The breakup happened on this past Sunday? 3 or 4 days ago? I think most people need a little more time than that to process a breakup, and yes, just about everybody would be struggling for a couple of days. At least. If he were devastated two months later, to the point that he was unable to sleep and his schoolwork was suffering, then yeah, I'd be concerned. But for all you know, they could be back together again by the end of the week.

Just let it be. Don't bring it up unless he does. Don't talk about homecoming, or seeing other people, or being more social, or any of that. Whatever he's saying or feeling now will change in a couple of days, and then change about 10 or 20 times after that.

It's very hard as a parent to avoid the temptation to 'guide' your childrens' interpersonal relationships. This isn't something you can fix. Let them sort it out between them.....he'll figure it out.

 

[TAX GUY]

So he pushed her away for a long time and didn't want to take it to the next level, until this June, then decided to give it a go? 2 months later she says forget it, go back to "friends"?

My first thought, is there's more to it than you know. Two young kids..... you haven't and probably won't be told everything. Second, its just "puppy love". Dating for 2 months, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Tell him there'll be plenty more coming and plenty more going. He's 16..... the whole "dating" thing is just starting for him.

 

[mmfan53226]

My son is 16 and a junior. He has dated older girls since his freshmen year. His first girlfriend was a senior.

He was sad when they broke up and she went away to college.
\\But, he told me that

the problem with dating someone is you either break up or marry them.

I will have to pass that on to him!

Krystine

 

[mmfan53226]

The breakup happened on this past Sunday? 3 or 4 days ago? I think most people need a little more time than that to process a breakup, and yes, just about everybody would be struggling for a couple of days. At least. If he were devastated two months later, to the point that he was unable to sleep and his schoolwork was suffering, then yeah, I'd be concerned. But for all you know, they could be back together again by the end of the week.

Just let it be. Don't bring it up unless he does. Don't talk about homecoming, or seeing other people, or being more social, or any of that. Whatever he's saying or feeling now will change in a couple of days, and then change about 10 or 20 times after that.

It's very hard as a parent to avoid the temptation to 'guide' your childrens' interpersonal relationships. This isn't something you can fix. Let them sort it out between them.....he'll figure it out.

Yes the break up was 4 days ago. I am struggling with the temptation to always offer advice to him and see how he is doing, that is why I came here for advice. I have read threads and see some very helpful advice.

 

[mickeyboat]

Awwww. Poor guy.

DD14 just faced her first breakup in the Spring, and she was crushed.

It took her a long time to get over it. They tried to stay friends, but that was really difficult for her. Luckily summer came and they both got busy with other things, and for the most part stopped talking to each other.

She wrote him a letter (that she did not deliver) detailing all the bad parts of their relationship. She had been romanticizing the whole thing, and had forgotten that it wasn't all rainbows and unicorns, and that maybe he was not the right person for her to date.

She also leaned on her friends. I was good to talk to, but she really needed her friends to pull her through.

I told her there is a reason why relationships at this age do not tend to succeed. They don't have a clue what they are doing, and these are really only practice relationships - so they can figure out what they like in a person, and what they don't, and how they want to be treated, and what they will not tolerate.

Four months later school has started again, and she is just fine. She is not ready to date again because she is too afraid of getting hurt, but she is definitely over him, and they are able to be friends.

I am sorry that your son is hurting, but he is going to be o.k.

 

[Sabeking]

I have girls so it may be a little different but my DD definitely went through a sadness. I told her to focus on her spirituality, sports, friends and family. She did for a long time and got over it like anything else. It is the new normal and it will pass. This boy just needs time! don't push too much be a listener.

 

[BuzzinDownToDisney]

Personally I'd leave him alone unless he comes to you to talk. Every guy remembers the first time they get broken up with. I laid in bed listening to "Every Rose has it's Thorn" on repeat for a week , while I was processing what had happened. Eventually he'll snap out of his blues. I wouldn't try to force homecoming on him or meeting anyone new, because right now it's probably the last thing he wants to do.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

It's a shame he's too young to get into a gentleman's club. He just needs a lapdance.

 

[Laura66]

Be there, listen and don't say anything negative about the girl. They are both kids and learning about relationships.

Poor kid - been thru this a few times and it's no fun.

 

[SkaGoat]

It's a shame he's too young to get into a gentleman's club. He just needs a lapdance.

comments like this are why I love these boards!

 

[bluezee]

It's a shame he's too young to get into a gentleman's club. He just needs a lapdance.

Didn't see that one coming...good one!

 

[richmo]

Time will fix this, perhaps quicker than you think.

 

[mom2rose&john]

It's a shame he's too young to get into a gentleman's club. He just needs a lapdance.

Always need a male perspective on things

As a disboard member lmao

As a mother of a son - not so funny

OP: Time heals this type of wound. Its something most will experience. I would try not to bring it up in conversation even if he seems down for a couple of days. Hopefully he bounces back to normal soon.

 

[Art 1]

I'll go along with whatever luvsjack advises.