DS causing Wedding drama....thoughts?

[ImagineerM]

Hey all...I posted this on the Community Board...but I figured you brides might be able to share some input with this confused and hurt groom. I hope you can help.....

Over the summer, my aunt took myself, my fiancee, my sister, and my cousin to WDW for a very nice vacation. While we were on the trip my sister started getting very strange. She has always had some temper problems, but this was quite embarrassing. (see my trip report linked in my sig for details)

Basicaly, she alienated everyone else in the group, yelled at us all, cussed us on multiple occasions, threw temper tantrums at us and cast members. It was awful.

Upon returning home, my sister continued this anger and lashed out at me and my fiancee. During one tantrum she called DF (insert c-word expletive here) and another she called her a (insert b-word expletive here) She was spreading rumors about us both and started openly telling other people that she hoped my marriage would fail.

When I confronted her about it, she claims she never called her those things and would never say those things about anyone (even though shes been fired from her job for calling her boss those same words...which she contunally denies doing)! Then she says "I never said I hoped your marriage would fail, I said it would fail because your fiancee is a needy (insert b-word explitive here)!" and that I "wait on her hand and foot" -- accusations that she can't back up with any evidence or examples.

So, originally the plan was for DS to be a bridesmaid in our wedding. I told her that she had to apologize for the things she said -- and until then, she was out of the wedding. That was in July. Late October, we asked another girl to step in a replace her.

Now last week, DS "apologizes" saying "I;m sorry about all this stupid stuff. I just wish people would get over it and move on!"

Then last night, during an unrelated conversation, she asked if she was a bridesmaid or not. I told her no and explained why. She responded by saying that was "BS" and if she could be a bridesmaid then she wasn't going to come to the wedding. She then says I've no only hurt her, but hurt my parents.

I spoke with my parents and they seem to think I should just forget it and let her be a bridesmaid. I don't understand that...I just don't get how they can back her on this. Dad kept saying that if I stick to my decision, that I have to live with that. ??? what does that mean?

Sigh...I just don't know what to do. I can't rationalize letting her be a part of the wedding party. She has been so rude and hateful to both myself and my fiancee. I'm so hurt and confused. Am I wrong?

Would like to hear your input...sorry about the long post...

cheers,
J

 

[caryndisneydiva]

i am so sorry that your sister is making YOUR wedding all about HER. i'll say it again as i've said it many times before...weddings make people act weird. we all have stories exemplifying that fact, though none to this verbally abusive extreme. i am truly sorry for you. i guess your dad is saying that you'll regret it in the future if your sister is not included in your wedding. that's totally up to you and your fiance. my df and i have a similar situation with his best friend. he doesn't like me, as your sister doesn't like your df. he sent back his save the date, by scratching out his address and writing return to sender. he became verbally abusive with my df regarding our marriage, but after the STD was returned, that last stunt was the last straw. he is now not invited to our wedding and i think that HE will come to regret it later. i am happy that he will not be there, because i truly beleive that he's bi-polar and i don't want anyone making a scene at my wedding. i want it to be a peaceful day that is about df and i. maybe you could write your sister and letter, copy your parents on it, telling her how hurt you are that she has chosen to be unsupportive. even though she disagrees with your decision, you are a grown man who is able to make your own decisions. hopefully this will make your point clear to your family. HTH!

 

[Pezalicious]

That's just terrible, I'm so sorry you've having to deal with such a stressful situation when you're supposed to be planning one of the happiest days of your life!

Your sister definitely sounds like there's a strong possibility that she's bipolar. It seems like she goes to extremes with her moods, which is a definite sign. Maybe your parents can encourage her to get help for it? Your wedding aside, it sounds like there's a bit of a pattern there and getting help might improve her life, overall.

As far as your wedding, it's a really tough decision. If you don't let her, your parents will probably be disappointed. But will they understand with time? How upset would they be? Could you and your sister work through it at a later date? Because with how she is now, I would be extremely concerned about drama on YOUR day, and that's inexcusable. If she can't be happy as a guest, maybe it would be best to not have her there and work it out between the 3 of you at a later date.

Before making the decision, can you, your fiance, and your sister get together for dinner a couple times so you can see how she acts? Maybe you can make your final decision based on her behavior then?

 

[MeowGoddes]

That is a tricky situation.

Personally, I would keep her out of it entirely.

Don't let anyone else decide who should/should not be a bridesmaid... if she is too petty to refuse to attend the ceremony, then so be it.

But thats me, I can hold a grudge, and I don't feel any obligation towards "family". If I want someone in my wedding, they'll be in it.

 

[pooh98378]

Don't let her be a BM --- you don't need the extra drama surrounding your wedding. Let her hand out programs or something if you think she needs to be a part.

 

[Swmhc]

Whether she has mental health issues or not, I would tell her her "position" has been filled and if she doesn't wish to attend the ceremony, that is her choice. I wouldn't feel bad about it after all she has done to you and your DF. This is YOUR day...don't chance having it ruined by someone who is acting immature. Secondly, I would suggest having an usher in the back sit near her if she does come, in case she gets out of hand so that she can be quickly escorted out of the ceremony/reception to minimize any distractions on your special day.

 

[Whoopdedoo]

Hiya,

It sounds like your sister is a bit jealous of you and your fiance. Sometimes it can happen and I'll be the first to admit I was like this when my older brother got married. It's really tough especially if you are close like we were. Maybe it would be worth trying to let your sister and fiance get to know each other better, as this is what I did and now my sil is one of my closest friends. If it doesn't work then you will know your decision.

It seems your sister has put up a barrier and can't see how it is upsetting you. Your Dad is right though, if you don't have her there it could be something that you regret in the future. But you've got to decide if she's involved in the bridal party or not. Don't let anyone else make that decision.
I'm making sure that everyone is involved in the wedding as much as possible but the best thing to do is if someone doesn't want to be happy for you, then leave them too it as it is your day and you don't want to spend it worrying if someone's going to show up and ruin things.

You should do what makes both of you happy...

Good luck I hope things work out.

 

[JonetteA]

More often than not it really comes to the point where people are jealous of the attention. They want it to be about them rather than you. Personally, I know this is a tough situation and you would love for her to be with you on your special day. Although, after all of the drama, I say you invite her and if she comes she comes and if she doesn't she only hurts herself. Your wedding will be wonderful no matter what.

 

[madfelice]

Tell her that it is too late to organise for her to be a bridesmaid, if she had been reasonable and apologised earlier then she could have been, but that now she can be an usher and hand out programs etc or if you are brave enough you could let her do a reading during the ceremony(as long as you think that she wont say something outrageous there). Get her an outfit in similar colours to the bridesmaids so she doesn't feel totally shunned, but definately tell her she missed the boat on the Good Ship Bridesmaid by being too stubborn to apologise. I mean, even when she did apologise, it didn't sound like she meant it to me! More like she was just trying to get to be a bridesmaid by saying what you wanted to hear! Whatever happens though, don't let her speak at the reception

 

[ImagineerM]

thanks for the input! I've really been stressed about this. Its driving me crazy.

I want her there, at the wedding -- we're certainly NOT uninviting her. We'd like her involved some way, but not as a bridesmaid. its just not right in my mind. I can't understand why my parents are backing her.

She and DF had become good friends until this WDW trip in July...since then DS hasn't even spoken to DF. Its pathetic. The way I see it, being a bridesmaid is not a birthright for her! And she simply sees it as a personal status symbol.

This is just killing me.

Anyone else?

Cheers,
Josh

 

[BrcsDisneyPrncs]

I'm so sorry to hear about all the drama. I went back and read through your entire TR and was apalled by the way she was acting. She very well may be jealous, but i highly doubt thats all. A normal jealous person would not act in such a way, there is something deeper there. I would definately not have her in the wedding party in any capacity. Obviously, invite her, and hope she can get over herself and enjoy your day. But if she was so willing to ruin 4 people's vacations without a second thought, it is highly unlikely that she would think twice about ruining your wedding. Personally, if those hateful things had been said to my fiance and i, she wouldn't be invited at all, but its a truly personal matter.

Bottom line, she treated both of you with a lot of disrespect, and doesn't deserve to serve as a bridesmaid. That "apology" she offered is pathetic, and ultimately, its your DF, not you that will have to spend most of the time with her, and if someone called me the names your DS did, it would be all over.

That probably wasn't overly helpful, just make sure that you and DF are on the EXACT SAME PAGE with this. One of my co workers was married in Sept, and even though her cousin was a total B**** in the months up to the wedding, she let her be in it, and her cousin got wasted and spent the whole night screaming obscenities and making up horrible rumors about my coworkers new DH. Every time she talks about it she cries, she feels like her wedding was ruined for her DH and that it was her fault. PLEASE dont' get me wrong and think i'm saying that you are disregarding her feelings, we KNOW you are NOT! But make sure she lets you know her true feelings, and isn't just agreeing with you (if you decide to let her hand out programs or something) because she doesn't want to upset you (again, i don't want to make assumptions, as i don't know either of you, but you know what i mean)

SORRY! I hope you get everything worked out, and either way, you will have a beautiful wedding and a strong marriage. Good luck!

 

[theantibride]

Wow. I agree with what was previously said about her bring bipolar. One of my suitemates in college used to snap at people like that. Then one day she did it at the school's doctor when it was time for her flu shot. They got her checked out by a psychologist (that's the one that can write prescriptions, right? I always get them and a psychiatrist mixed up) and it turned out she was bipolar. They got on her on some meds and pretty soon she was a wonderful person to live with. Not saying that's the right solution for everyone, I'm just relaying the tale.
As for having her in the wedding party simply explain to her that due to her past behavior she cannot be a bridesmaid. If you really want her to be a part of the wedding you can always have her do a reading of some sort. It's unfortunate that her behavior has come to this but you need to stand firm on your decision. It may be the wake-up call that she needs to get help. Good luck with everything, though. I'll be thinking of you and your fiance.

 

[purplegirl247]

Josh, I just read your trippie. It was fantastic, very well written, well expressed, and with great pacing. Just wanted to say thanks for the read!

Regarding your sister, has she been back to the doctor since September? Do you know if she really went? Because if she didn't go, and she has a mental illness that is out of control, I definitely think you're within your rights to deny her allowing to attend the wedding, much less being a bridesmaid! I think you and your DF have been more than patient with her.

GL with whatever you decide! Hope your wedding/honeymoon is as magical as it can be!

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

all i can add...is your gonna act like a child...you should be treated like a child.

family can be the BIGGEST pains cause they expect you to cater to them no matter what, even if they are obnoxious!!!!

If it was me...Id still stand by NOT having her in the wedding & letting her come....she needs to learn how to grow up & that saying "sorry" doesnt always mean you get what you want. & the parents need to respect your decision
Bad behavior doesnt get rewarded!
I feel bad for you!! this isnt something you should have to deal with...she sounds like she needs some help from a proffesional...this type of behavior can be very destructive to herself & her family
I hope she can be a mature adult & accept that her attitude got her where she is...& attend the wedding & behave!!

keep us posted

 

[ImagineerM]

all i can add...is your gonna act like a child...you should be treated like a child.

family can be the BIGGEST pains cause they expect you to cater to them no matter what, even if they are obnoxious!!!!

If it was me...Id still stand by NOT having her in the wedding & letting her come....she needs to learn how to grow up & that saying "sorry" doesnt always mean you get what you want. & the parents need to respect your decision
Bad behavior doesnt get rewarded!
I feel bad for you!! this isnt something you should have to deal with...she sounds like she needs some help from a proffesional...this type of behavior can be very destructive to herself & her family
I hope she can be a mature adult & accept that her attitude got her where she is...& attend the wedding & behave!!

keep us posted

When I first read your post, I thought you were saying I was acting like a child but then I re read that first line..lol.

It just keeps getting more strange...my parents are acting all weird now. Like they're made at me. Its killing really. Thanks for all your support though..it really does help!

Cheers,
Josh

 

[madfelice]

Did something perhaps happen between her and your DF? I'm not talking an affair or anything, not at all, but perhaps she said something to him and hisresponse hurt her to send her off on this tangent?? She could have mentioned having a crush or that she wishes she were with him, not you and when he said he was perfectly happy the way things arethen she lost it. Her ego was bruised? Not saying this is the case at all, but it could be and your DF, being a man probably doesn't even remember it if it did happen! It could have been something that was a big deal to her to say and he just didn't get it so she got upset. That could be a reason for her tageting him and your marriage like this. Ask him if he remembers anything, and then ask her if they had words or something, just take anything she says with a grain of salt though if it's hugely bad cos she's out to make trouble, but it could just be something small that needs airing. That said though, no bridesmaid duties for her though! Let her be an usher or do a reading at the wedding if you can trust her that far, but don't back down! Good luck.

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

When I first read your post, I thought you were saying I was acting like a child but then I re read that first line..lol.

It just keeps getting more strange...my parents are acting all weird now. Like they're made at me. Its killing really. Thanks for all your support though..it really does help!

Cheers,
Josh

sorry about that....i got typing & didnt re-read it & didnt realize it could have been read wrong...lol

I hope the family can understand & stop acting wierd & mad at you ...its all so silly...stick to your guns & go with what YOU want!!

 

[mla1977]

Did something perhaps happen between her and your DF? I'm not talking an affair or anything, not at all, but perhaps she said something to him and hisresponse hurt her to send her off on this tangent?? She could have mentioned having a crush or that she wishes she were with him, not you and when he said he was perfectly happy the way things arethen she lost it. Her ego was bruised? Not saying this is the case at all, but it could be and your DF, being a man probably doesn't even remember it if it did happen! It could have been something that was a big deal to her to say and he just didn't get it so she got upset. That could be a reason for her tageting him and your marriage like this. Ask him if he remembers anything, and then ask her if they had words or something, just take anything she says with a grain of salt though if it's hugely bad cos she's out to make trouble, but it could just be something small that needs airing. That said though, no bridesmaid duties for her though! Let her be an usher or do a reading at the wedding if you can trust her that far, but don't back down! Good luck.

FYI - the OP is the groom. I know that we usually see the bride on these pages, but in this case DF is the bride. That might change you message a little!

 

[ImagineerM]

FYI - the OP is the groom. I know that we usually see the bride on these pages, but in this case DF is the bride. That might change you message a little!

Thanks for clarifying on my behald mla!

But to my knowledge, nothing happened. We went to WDW...one day she was fine, then suddenly...whacko. It was bizzare.

This whole thing is ripping me apart on the inside

Cheers,
Josh

 

[madfelice]

Sorry bout that!@ I feel a little embarrassed now I can't believe I misinterpreted such an important detail!
Was there some sort of tiff between the two women then? Or maybe she just realised that her brother is getting married and feels as though she is being abandoned by you? I know that is not the case for you but you can never really know what is going through other peoples heads.
Regardless of that though, I still stick by you saying that she can't be a bridesmaid. Besides, it is the BRIDE who gets to choose her bridesmaids, and if she doesn't want her, then it's end of story isn't it? No room at the inn. Say your DF just doesn't feel as though she would be comfortable with her in the wedding party(true, I'm guessing)after all the bad blood and wouldn't feel as though she was really supporting her which is a bridesmaid's real job description, isn't it? It's not your parent's decision, regardless of whether or not they feel that your DS should be a bridesmaid, and you should let them know that as politely as you can. It's about what your DF wants. It's her wedding, and if she doesn't feel supported by your sister then your sister doesn't get to be there in the wedding party.
All I can say is don't back down. Stand your ground. Tell your sister you want her there, but she has to realise that her actions draw consequences down upon her and that she can't always get what she wants. Being the Groom's sister does not guarantee her a position as bridesmaid. Being a good friend to the bride does. By all means offer her some other sort of official capacity, buy her a nice outfit in wedding colours(you'd be surprised at what a difference such an offer might make...), but don't let her be a bridesmaid. Tell her you really want her, as your much loved sister to be a part of the beginning of such a momentous new chapter in your life, as she will certainly still be a part of it afterwards, that you really want her there but understand if she feels she can't be and point out that missing out on such a once in a lifetime family event is a big thing but it is her choice in the end.
Again, sorry