Dreading a Vacation?

[stargrazer]

I have a friend that has a SIL that she didn't really like very much (parenting/personality differences) but could tolerate the situation well enough to keep the peace (plus they live waaaaay apart). The SIL called my friends house and informed them that she was coming on their next vacation with them. Didn't ask if she could come, told them she WAS coming (heard about vaycay from MIL)...and DH said OK. Even if DH KNEW his wife didn't want to spend her vaycay with SIL because they just spent the LAST one visiting with her, he felt unable to tell her she couldn't come. And now DH is getting frustrated at my friend because SHE is frustrated.

My friend is leaving soon to meet her SIL&Fam in the mountains, and she will be nice (she even offered for SIL family to stay with her since they will be at the cabin every minute of the day anyway, figured she might as well save money) but she is dreading her vacation and I need words of advice for her!! I know she feels bad about not liking SIL but can't really change that fact. What can I tell her to make her see this vacation as fun and not a chore? Especially since there are behaviors that may take place that are VERY much against my friends beliefs?

 

[MareQ]

Didn't you just post on another thread that this happened to you?

 

[stargrazer]

Didn't you just post on another thread that this happened to you?

I posted on another thread but decided it was inappropriate to go off OP's topic (but I edited too late).

Trying to be more diplomatic here since this one has my name as the thread starter but that's busted now, lol.

Could still use advice for my "friend", however.

 

[MushyMushy]

So, wait. Is this happening to you or a friend?

Honestly, if it were me, I'd just say no. It's not easy. I was recently in that position myself with my DH and MIL. There is no way I would want to spend my only vacation that year being miserable, even for the sake of DH. I know that sounds selfish, but there it is.

 

[stargrazer]

It's me. Trying to hide in case my threads get spotted but the gig's UP! LOL.

Two years ago we had a HORRIBLE spat at their home and it actually came down to me giving the ultimatum (in private) - them or me. He said me, always me...and here we are two years later fighting over spending ANOTHER vacation with them.

If I said I wasn't going after SIL invited herself, he would know why and it would drive a massive wedge in between us (especially since I talked HIM into this vaycay). He says they can vaycay wherever they want, we don't own the town, and so IMO that's basically telling me there is nothing he can do.

I guess that's what hurts...but as usual, I'm the one going to be doing the bending around here...

 

[dcgrumpy]

Especially since there are behaviors that may take place that are VERY much against my friends beliefs?

What kind of behavior?

 

[stargrazer]

What kind of behavior?

Smacking the kids, yelling at them and berating them (that is not how we deal with misbehavior at my house).

The last big blow-up (and my biggest concern) was in regards to substance abuse but I am PRAYING that doesn't come up this time. Even if it does, DH would consider it none of his business and not say anything.

 

[Katy Belle]

Hugs to you! I'm so afraid this is going to happen to me someday. SIL and I are very different in parenting and personality and she would have no problem inviting herself.

OK...we need to figure out how to get you through this, its going to happen.

Can you structure things so that the differences are taken care of...like if she lets her kids eat only junk, then make some rules for your kiddos ahead of time. I'm not sure what behaviors you are talking about...but if its something like drinking alcohol or something big like that, then I think you get to make the rules. They are staying in your cabin, right? So your DH can say, "You know, we don't drink and don't want alcohol around the kids, so we'd appreciate it if you guys didn't drink in front of the kids." Is she gets mad and leaves, then so be it.

I may be way off base, but I think its ok for your DH to set some ground rules. Also, structure time apart. "Our family really needs some time to be our own little family." Then tell them what days you will be solo, don't tell them exactly what you are doing or they will want to come too!

Vacationing in the same place at the same time, not vacationing together. That is your goal.

I decided about 3 years ago that I would be polite to DSIL but that is it. I have been successful because we live very far apart like around the world We see her at DMILs house and it is challenging, but I am just polite. I do try to treat her kiddos like a great Aunt should, they can't help they have a creepy mom!

You were posting while I was. Yikes...smacking her kiddos. That is way bigger than I was imagining. Hmm...well the substance abuse is your DHs business if its at your cabin. He must say something if anything funny happens.

Not that its fair to you...but you could kind of take over the kids during the vacation and keep them away from her...give the kids a break. I don't know... Hugs to you!
Good luck!
Katy

 

[stargrazer]

Thanks Katybelle. I appreciate the hugs and words of support. I am going to try and work out some time for just us; we were going to have a couple of days alone at the end but I have a feeling that it's not going to end up that way, so I'll have to grab it here and there and wherever I can.

Ultimately I think it's going to come down to me standing up for my own beliefs whether or not I get any backup. Usually I defer to the DH and I hope I am making a big ol' mountain out of a molehill (IE nothing comes up too bad) but I guess I just gotta get it straight in my head that only I can stand up for myself. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

PS- I do adore the kids and love them to death so I will focus on THAT part of the vaycay.

 

[SplshMtn99]

Good luck. I too have a similar relationship with a SIL, and a DH who can't so no to her. She also just announces she's joining --especially when not invited. And 2 yrs ago, a huge fight at her house. Are you sure we aren't twins?

 

[tpask8r]

Quoting Man On Fire, "The only important thing in life is family." Everybody in life can get along if they both take the time to find common ground. Don't take the easy way out. Step up to the plate and take the first step to find common ground. All you have left to take with you when you die are the memories you have created and the love you share with those people.

 

[disykat]

It's me. Trying to hide in case my threads get spotted but the gig's UP! LOL.

Two years ago we had a HORRIBLE spat at their home and it actually came down to me giving the ultimatum (in private) - them or me. He said me, always me...and here we are two years later fighting over spending ANOTHER vacation with them.

If I said I wasn't going after SIL invited herself, he would know why and it would drive a massive wedge in between us (especially since I talked HIM into this vaycay). He says they can vaycay wherever they want, we don't own the town, and so IMO that's basically telling me there is nothing he can do.

I guess that's what hurts...but as usual, I'm the one going to be doing the bending around here...

He chose you. He knows you don't want to be around them. Why would it drive a wedge between you?

If it weren't for the fact that you already said they could share the cabin with you, I would say just stay home and let your husband be mad if he wants to. He really didn't have a right to put you in this situation. However, when you invited them to stay with you, you pretty much agreed to vacation with them.

While I'm sure it will be uncomfortable, you really don't have any say about how they discipline their children unless they cross into unlawful territory.

 

[mickeysgal]

If it weren't for the fact that you already said they could share the cabin with you, I would say just stay home and let your husband be mad if he wants to. He really didn't have a right to put you in this situation. However, when you invited them to stay with you, you pretty much agreed to vacation with them.

Well there's the mistake - telling them you could share a cabin. Even the most friendly of family members end up tense and irritable when constantly around each other. People need space and privacy. Why, oh why, did you tell them they could share accomodations? Can you backtrack a little and explain to them that you - as a family - need privacy and that you'd like to stay on your own? Your husband, knowing how you feel about SIL, should be able to help you with this delicate situation. This way the trip can at least be tolerable as you can easily divert to various different activities throughout the day. Just because family is traveling together doesn't mean you have to travel as a pack joined at the hip.

 

[LuvN~Travel]

If my Dh did that, they might still be looking for his body! She definitely should tell him that for ANYTIME in the future to check with her first on stuff like that! lol
Kim

 

[Cantw8]

I am very much looking forward to my next vacation, it's going to be great