Dont want to watch nephew anymore...

[dana1003]

Need opinions please. I've been watching my nephew ( 2 years old) since he was an infant to help out my brother and SIL. We leave in jersey and childcare is expensive . They pay me 600$ a month to watch him 35 hrs a week. Prob is I have 9 year old twins that i am also trying to get ready for school. As he gets older he is becoming allot more work and it is becoming very stressful for me. My girl were born 9 weeks early and had health issues so I quit my job and have been a SAHM ever since. We have sacrificed allot of things so I can stay home with them and now that they are older I would like to get a part time job out of the house. I cannot work full time as hubby's job has him on business trips every month and no one to care for them except me. I tried to tell my parents , who live close, that I do not want to care for him anymore and basically got a guilt trip from my mom. That he won't be cared for there, he loves me, blah blah blah. She works part time and has told me she will not leave her job to care for him. My brother is an engineer and she works for the state. Combined making good $ we are a one income household on food stamps. I think once September hits and school starts again I do not want to do this anymore. Is it wrong of me to not continue helping my brother? My hubby says he is worried about my sanity and stress level and is 100% behind me not watching him. What would you do?

 

[DawnM]

I think you can say no with a clear conscience, but just know your family may not agree with me! Sounds like you WILL have fallout.

Editing because I missed the part of your post about finding a part time job outside the home.

Dawn

 

[Uncle Remus]

Need opinions please. I've been watching my nephew ( 2 years old) since he was an infant to help out my brother and SIL. We leave in jersey and childcare is expensive . They pay me 600$ a month to watch him 35 hrs a week. Prob is I have 9 year old twins that i am also trying to get ready for school. As he gets older he is becoming allot more work and it is becoming very stressful for me. My girl were born 9 weeks early and had health issues so I quit my job and have been a SAHM ever since. We have sacrificed allot of things so I can stay home with them and now that they are older I would like to get a part time job out of the house. I cannot work full time as hubby's job has him on business trips every month and no one to care for them except me. I tried to tell my parents , who live close, that I do not want to care for him anymore and basically got a guilt trip from my mom. That he won't be cared for there, he loves me, blah blah blah. She works part time and has told me she will not leave her job to care for him. My brother is an engineer and she works for the state. Combined making good $ we are a one income household on food stamps. I think once September hits and school starts again I do not want to do this anymore. Is it wrong of me to not continue helping my brother? My hubby says he is worried about my sanity and stress level and is 100% behind me not watching him. What would you do?

Let your brother know you're looking for another job and they should start looking for other child care.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think you are well within your rights to not watch him any more. I do think you need to give them time to find some new childcare that is good quality--until fall is PLENTY of time. It probably is a good time to shift as the start of the new school year can even be the est time to start in a daycare.

I think I would just put it on yourself--not that the little boy is a handful. Say you are at a point in your life where you are ready to get out of the house and will find a part time job next year and not be home to watch him anymore, and you want to give them plenty of time to find the best care for him so you are telling them now.

I would not involve your mom in the conversations or your thought process at all .

 

[crashbb]

I think you can say no with a clear conscience, but just know your family may not agree with me! Sounds like you WILL have fallout.

I am thinking that if you are on foodstamps due to low income, the $600 might help you out though.

Is there any way she can adjust her hours so you can get your girls to school without having to deal with him? Could your girls have everything laid out the night before so they can get themselves ready?

Dawn

My thoughts are similar to Dawn's - though I'd only think through the last bit (i.e. trying to make it work) if you are doing so to keep the extra income (not just because you want to keep the peace).

ETA - I would talk to your brother (and sister-in-law) directly, don't do it through your mother. And, if you know what you want to stop in September, I'd tell them sooner rather than later, to give them time to work something else out.

 

[Pigeon]

You should have zero guilt about doing this. Finding childcare is the parents' responsibility and your mother is way off base. It sounds to me like she's afraid your brother will try to pressure her to do it, but it's not your mother's problem, either. You need to put the needs of your family first.

The more time you can give them to find alternate arrangements, the better, so don't wait until fall to tell them.

 

[lovemygoofy]

If you don't want to watch your nephew then tell your brother. I'm not sure what telling your mother was supposed to do other than if she gabbed to your brother for you.

I certainly understand wanting out of the house but are you going to find a part time job that can bring in $600 and work around your kids' schedule? Also what about the cost of gas and possible need of work clothes? It seems you are already stretched your budget as much as possible.

Would you be willing to work a compromise with your brother and sister in law about changing up the schedule some?

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Agree with those who say that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your first priority is to your family first and there is nothing to be ashamed about when it comes to that. Your family could certainly benefit from you have a part-time job and the added income that that will bring. It will be more than what your bil is paying and will be when your kids are in school. This means more money for your family and more time for you to spend with just your husband and kids. That is what is best for YOUR family. It is your responsibility to figure out what is best for them and to do that. Likewise, it is your bil and his wife's responsibility to provide for their children. Give them fair warning that you will be looking for a job, but don't feel guilty that you will no longer be watching him. Best of luck in the job search

 

[Tinkh]

Are you sure that you are going to find a part time job that brings in 600 dollars a month without the cost of gas and clothes etc and still be able to have the hours off that you need with your kids? Those jobs are pretty few and far between around here.

 

[Sabeking]

I dealt with the same thing a few years back with my niece. My brother really appreciated the time and discount I gave them but I had to put my family first and that is what I did.

 

[cabanafrau]

Am I understanding correctly that your mom is trying to convince you to keep caring for your nephew because it's in the best interest of nephew and his parents, even though it means a sacrifice on your part, yet she wouldn't sacrifice her own part-time job to do the same?

You need to figure out what the best option is for your family. Sounds like it's expected that you keep on doing whatever you have to do to keep from upsetting everyone else's applecart. Seems to me it's pretty important your applecart stay steady as well.

I'm not saying that you do it in a nasty way. Give them notice now that you're looking to make a needed change and I think it's reasonable that they should be expected to respect your needs.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I was in your situation. I gave my SIL a lot of time to find someone and it was for my sanity. I did go back to work and she still hasn't talked to us in 15 years. It happens.

I also agree you state you receive $600.00 a month and also SNAP. Do you claim this income because once you get a part-time job you may also no longer qualify if the income is included.

I would weigh all the situations. Is there a way you can somehow rework the schedule even a little so that it is easier. Maybe you can find a small group your nephew can go to that is not very expensive that will give you a few hours more a week for yourself.

I agree no matter how you look at this there will be fallout. Give your brother as much notice as you possibly can once you make up your mind.

Good Luck!

 

[TheIncredibles!]

You are willing to give up $600 a month and being able to be available 100% for your children's needs in favor of a part time job? What will you do during school breaks? Summer? When one of your kids is sick?

IMO It's not about your brother or your nephew it's about giving up money and flexibility you cannot afford to give up.

 

[Potato Chip]

I feel since it isn't working out for you that you have the right to say no even if you weren't looking for a part time job.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

Of course it's not wrong of you, you are not obligated to watch your brother's child. However, it sounds as though you will be on the outs with your family if you don't. They have a lot of nerve telling you that you MUST be the one to care for your nephew when you have children of your own, you'd like to take an outside job that doesn't involve being at home or caring for children, and the parents can certainly afford some other type of care. But there will likely be some bitterness if you pull out. It's going to be up to you if you can handle that or not. Why even mention it to your mother? It's your brother you need to talk to.

Don't say anything about the kid being a handful or a problem if you decide to say something, just that you're stretched to the limit with your own children.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Are you sure that you are going to find a part time job that brings in 600 dollars a month without the cost of gas and clothes etc and still be able to have the hours off that you need with your kids? Those jobs are pretty few and far between around here.

I think that is a good point. Could you increase your rate to $800 or $1000 a month?

But if you don't want to do it, and you can find another opportunity, then don't do it.

I get so mad when people expect family members to do something for them. Like it is your obligation.

My mom is going to watch my baby while I work for 6 months. But I asked her if she would, not expected. And I told her we will revisit the issue again when the 6 months is about up so she can decide if she wants to continue, cut back, or stop completely. And before I asked her, I had a list of daycares ready to check in to. So whenever she is done, she doesn't have to feel bad about it.

 

[Tinkh]

I think that is a good point. Could you increase your rate to $800 or $1000 a month?

But if you don't want to do it, and you can find another opportunity, then don't do it.

I get so mad when people expect family members to do something for them. Like it is your obligation.

My mom is going to watch my baby while I work for 6 months. But I asked her if she would, not expected. And I told her we will revisit the issue again when the 6 months is about up so she can decide if she wants to continue, cut back, or stop completely. And before I asked her, I had a list of daycares ready to check in to. So whenever she is done, she doesn't have to feel bad about it.

I agree totally! I hate when people expect, but I just don't see where a family that is already in a low enough bracket to receive food stamps, etc is going to be able to overcome the deficit of pay. I could see asking the brother for a raise maybe. That could be a viable option, but I have serious doubts that OP will make enough to cover what is going to be lost.

 

[robinb]

IMO you have been taken advantage of by your brother and SIL. $600 for 140 hours worth of work? 12-year old baby sitters get paid more than $4.25 an hour.

That being said, a part time job will only pay about $1.50 more after you pay payroll taxes assuming it's a minimum wage job. You may or may not be able to work as many hours as you are now and I think that it will come out to be a wash for you financially.

I would just tell your brother that you want to get back into the regular work force. Be prepared for him to offer you a raise because even if he paid you double it would be less than quality childcare would be elsewhere.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

I feel since it isn't working out for you that you have the right to say no even if you weren't looking for a part time job.

This!

Any family that is going to be mad at you, because you are no longer able to work for them is....well.......not a very nice family.

I would give them a couple months notice and feel good about it.

Unless you signed in writing and promised to take care of this boy until he went to school, then I see no problem.

Good luck!

 

[LisaR]

You are willing to give up $600 a month and being able to be available 100% for your children's needs in favor of a part time job? What will you do during school breaks? Summer? When one of your kids is sick?

IMO It's not about your brother or your nephew it's about giving up money and flexibility you cannot afford to give up.

OP'er, you are well within your rights to stop watching your nephew and not have any guilt. If it isn't working out, it isn't working out. But I think you are fooling yourself if you believe you will be able to find a part time job that allows you the flexibility you need with kids and a husband who travels. And as someone else mentioned, you will have to claim that part time job so those food stamps may disappear.

I'd ask your brother for a raise. I do believe you are being grossly underpaid.

I'd reevaluate and make sure you truly believe a part time job will help you regain your sanity more than a job where you are always available for your kids and have a 2 year old to watch.