Donation Dilemma

[Ava31]

Here's an etiquette question for you: My daughter is having her 6th birthday party. There will be at least 20 kids there. She has an older sister and neither we or the grandparents are struggling financially. Bottom-line, she has way more toys than she would ever need. We just got a new puppy from a local shelter and she has agreed with me that the dogs at the shelter need things more than she does, so I plan on including their "wish list" in the invitation and asking for those items instead of gifts.

First of all, would you be offended if I assumed that you were going to bring a gift? (This is a child's birthday party, after all.)

Secondly, how would you word it on the invitation so as not to sound too presumptuous?

I know there are a lot of parents on this board that have encountered this and maybe have even been in the same dilemma. What do you think?

Thanks!

Ava

 

[cglaura]

Here's an etiquette question for you: My daughter is having her 6th birthday party. There will be at least 20 kids there. She has an older sister and neither we or the grandparents are struggling financially. Bottom-line, she has way more toys than she would ever need. We just got a new puppy from a local shelter and she has agreed with me that the dogs at the shelter need things more than she does, so I plan on including their "wish list" in the invitation and asking for those items instead of gifts.

First of all, would you be offended if I assumed that you were going to bring a gift? (This is a child's birthday party, after all.)

Secondly, how would you word it on the invitation so as not to sound too presumptuous?

I know there are a lot of parents on this board that have encountered this and maybe have even been in the same dilemma. What do you think?

Thanks!

Ava

I wouldn't put anything in the invitation. I think it is great what you are planning to do though. But it would seem odd to have anything but date/time/theme/location in the invite.

However, if anyone asks for gift ideas, then I'd tell them.

Why don't you sell some of her older stuff on ebay, craigslist or yardsale...make way for the new, then donate the proceeds to the shelter?

 

[mickeygirl14]

My daughter actually just got an invite to a birthday party where it stated that in lieu of any gifts, the 8 yr old birthday girl asked if people chose to bring something, to bring a new book for the children in our local hospital. As a parent, I LOVED this - I would much rather spend the money on this than a trinket token gift that probably wouldn't be enjoyed that much. And my daughter loved it too. She enjoyed picking out some books and is thinking of what she can do for her birthday. I think it's absolutely fine to mention it on the invite.

 

[AustinTink]

I saw quite a few parents try this route when my DS was in the 2-6 year old age bracket. In 100% of the cases, guests ended up bringing a gift for the birthday child AND a donation item. People just couldn't wrap their heads around not bringing the birthday child a gift. And, some were miffed that they ended up bringing 2 gifts essentially.

 

[Planogirl]

You could also donate some of the gifts to a homeless shelter or somewhere similar. I think that it's kind to think of such a thing.

 

[quasar4legs]

Honestly I wouldn't put this on an invitation for a child's birthday party although our family does support several animal charities.
If your daughter feels that she has "enough stuff" I would just put on the invitation that no presents were required, just your presence (or similar).

Personally, I would be happy to make a donation in lieu of a gift but I do know parents that would not be happy about this sort of request. To a certain extent you are the best judge of the parents in your area and how they would react to this type of invitation.

Good luck with whatever you decide, I applaud any parent that encourages their child to think of others. Hope your daughter has a wonderful hug:

Quasar

 

[shortbun]

This is something my son and his friends. The birthday child would designate a charity on their invitation and say they'd be taking a collection in lieu of a gift at the party. this allowed people to give whatever they wanted. I bet if you guys do it, other kids parents will feel comfortable too. Humane society, homeless shelter, Heifer International, neighborhood community resource center were among the charities chosen. We just decorated a big coffee can with a slit for donations and when the thank you note was written, it assumed a donation and told what the total contribution was. It's never too early to have children undetstanding that there are needs other than gifts. Bravo to you and your daughter! There was NEVER contraversy over this in our circle or from DS's school mates. Who would complain about donating to a charity instead of buying some trivial gift?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think it is fine. My dd has been to several donation parties in the past.

However here is a dilemma that you need to research first....if people want to give $$, then you need to work that out with the shelter because some things are tax deductible and some people prefer to give cash instead of an "item" for that reason.

Editing to say they also prefer to give cash directly to make sure that it is going to the intended party. Not that YOU are shady, but sometimes donations can be shaky things.

So make that known. I can't remember how that was handled.

 

[Tosie]

My daughter actually just got an invite to a birthday party where it stated that in lieu of any gifts, the 8 yr old birthday girl asked if people chose to bring something, to bring a new book for the children in our local hospital. As a parent, I LOVED this - I would much rather spend the money on this than a trinket token gift that probably wouldn't be enjoyed that much. And my daughter loved it too. She enjoyed picking out some books and is thinking of what she can do for her birthday. I think it's absolutely fine to mention it on the invite.

This is exactly what we did when dd turned 8 - she collected items for a local animal shelter and it was worded just like this one. The kids seemed excited to show us all the goodies they bought for the animals and I know the families spent more then they would have on a traditional birthday gift so my dd felt like she had really done something that made a difference.

 

[mrsv98]

We faced this issue when DD wanted a big party for her 8th birthday. She is so blessed (read: spoiled ) and I really did not relish the idea of two dozen presents. We talked about it and decided that we would ask for donations for Save A Pet and the Hooved Animal Humane Society. We wrote a little letter explaining what she wanted and giving links to the wish list for Save A Pet.

It was a HUGE success! Everyone had a great time and we received a tremendous amount for the shelters. I had many parents say what a great idea it was. Yes, there were a couple of kids who also brought her a little something, mostly her closest friends. As soon as the party was over, we made a list of who brought what and then piled all the donations on the couch around her and I took a pic. This became the thank you card:

I know the etiquette might not be to talk about gifts on an invitation, but I think in the case of altruism it is acceptable.

 

[goofy4tink]

My dd has been invited to many parties where gift giving was something completely different than the traditional 'gift for the birthday child only'. She has been to parties where the invitation listed 'special needs' for gifts. Some said that the birthday girl didn't want anything other than her best friends in the world to be there, celebrating with her, but did want children with nothing at all to have something special so she was donating any gifts she got to a childrens' ward. So, guests were asked to buy appropriate gifts. And this child didn't keep one single gift. It was truly incredible.

I think that if you choose to ask for animal shelter donations in lieu of birthday gifts, that's terrific. The issue is going to be that some kids are going to arrive with dog food and a gift for the birthday girl, and other children are going to bring just the shelter donation, and then feel badly that they don't have a real 'gift'. Perhaps you could tell parents that a small birthday remembrance if fine, but the shelter donation is the true gift???

 

[dngnb8]

Here's an etiquette question for you: My daughter is having her 6th birthday party. There will be at least 20 kids there. She has an older sister and neither we or the grandparents are struggling financially. Bottom-line, she has way more toys than she would ever need. We just got a new puppy from a local shelter and she has agreed with me that the dogs at the shelter need things more than she does, so I plan on including their "wish list" in the invitation and asking for those items instead of gifts.

First of all, would you be offended if I assumed that you were going to bring a gift? (This is a child's birthday party, after all.)

Secondly, how would you word it on the invitation so as not to sound too presumptuous?

I know there are a lot of parents on this board that have encountered this and maybe have even been in the same dilemma. What do you think?

Thanks!

Ava

My daughter has requested for years contributions be made to the local shelter in lieu of gifts. We also provided gift bags with information on the shelter. We arent well off either. Fiscal health need not be the reason for this.

Kudos to you and your daughter for thinking of others on the day of her birth.

This thread is 10/10

 

[Agri]

I'd include it on the invite that the birthday girl does not want toys, but instead would rather the money that would be spent on gifts for her go to the shelter. Include information on how to donate to the shelter in her name, if they do that.

I think the best way to handle someone still bringing her a gift would be to take the gift and put it in another room and not to open it until the party is over. Maybe even decide on a charity for those gifts, too, and include that in the invitation as well. (Sort of like "XXXXX has decided that any personal gifts she receives will be donated to <insert charity here>, as well.")

I think its perfectly acceptable to put notes on invitations about gifts. I had went to school with a boy who did not like stuffed animals and they would put that on the invitation because the toys truly would go to waste - even then most charities and hospitals would not take even brand-new stuffed animals to give to children. One year my mom put on my invitations that I only wanted books.

To me, birthdays are sort of like weddings and baby showers. They are events to celebrate something specific where gifts are pretty much the accepted norm (to a certain extent), and I don't see anything wrong with the honoree politely letting their guests know what they want. If someone gets bent out of shape, then that's their problem. I would be much happier knowing that my gift is going to be used and enjoyed (whether its by the honoree or the lucky puppies) than if I had to just take a guess.

 

[Pooh Crew]

Love the idea, but I do think you need to make it clear that the charity items are INSTEAD OF, not in addition to, gifts for the birthday child. When there is abiguity, people can get a little frustrated at having to donate AND buy a gift. We've done this type party before and used wording similar to the following: "Your presence is present enough, but if you would like to bring a gift, please choose instead to bring an item for the Main Street Humane
Society. Janie has specifically requested to not recieve gifts for herself and would instead like to benefit the animals." And then I'd spread the word through close friends that she really does not want gifts and ask them to spread the word.

We did this one year with our triplets and it was the best party ever! We invited everyone in their three classes and all gifts were going to the fire department's annual toy drive. Believe it or not, almost every single child invited came! With siblings, we had well over a hundred kids there! My children loved getting to see their friends outside of school for a big party, everyone felt like they were doing something good, we did not have to deal with a hundred gifts, and underprivledged kids got toys!

Of course, mentioning gifts on an invitation is completely taboo, but maybe you can appease the ettiquite gods by not wearing white until June or something.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Ohhh, I wouldn't do it, the party is about the child and gifts are things friends want them to have. My DD has everything she needs and still adored opening the things her friends picked out for her last week. They get into a big giggling group and open up hand made "I love you cards" BFF necklaces, matching Justin Bieber Posters, matching shirts they can wear in school to look like besties. This is an important part of being a girl. So what if she has too much, if the child doesn't want them or gets doubles put them aside and donate to "Toys for Tots" in December. I wouldn't interfere with the actual giving part, but that's just me.

 

[Scurvy]

I wouldn't put anything in the invitation. I think it is great what you are planning to do though. But it would seem odd to have anything but date/time/theme/location in the invite.

However, if anyone asks for gift ideas, then I'd tell them.

Why don't you sell some of her older stuff on ebay, craigslist or yardsale...make way for the new, then donate the proceeds to the shelter?

I agree. I would not ever mention gifts on an invitation, or include a wishlist with it. If someone asks for suggestions, that's the time to mention what she would prefer. I have to say though that I've known people who did request donations in lieu of gifts (or just requested no gifts at all) and all of them ended up complaining after the fact because most of their guests ended up bringing actual gifts anyway.

I've also known people who ended up unhappy because they followed the instructions on the invitation, gave a donation instead of a gift, and then most other guests gave real gifts. Then the birthday girl opened the gifts at the party and made a big deal about each one, which made those who complied with the request feel bad for not also bringing a gift. So my suggestion is if you actually do this, and people do end up bringing gifts, set them aside to be opened sometime after the party so you don't make the people who didn't bring gifts feel bad.

 

[Ava31]

Thanks to everyone for the comments. Tacky or not, after bringing my daughter to the Animal Shelter to pick up our pup, she insists that those doggies need some blankets and toys. And, believe it or not, she told me that the reason she can't keep her playroom clean is because she has too many toys and she only wants toys from Grandma and Grandpa (I guess they give better stuff than Mommy and Daddy.) We'll be giving her gifts, as will her aunt and grandparents, so she won't be deprived that very fulfilling part of a childhood birthday.

So my suggestion is if you actually do this, and people do end up bringing gifts, set them aside to be opened sometime after the party so you don't make the people who didn't bring gifts feel bad.

That's definitely the plan. I understand the stickiness of mentioning gifts on an invitation, but it seems to me like it's not really being presumptuous at a child's birthday party.

As soon as the party was over, we made a list of who brought what and then piled all the donations on the couch around her and I took a pic. This became the thank you card:

I know the etiquette might not be to talk about gifts on an invitation, but I think in the case of altruism it is acceptable.

I LOVE the idea of the picture on the thank you cards. I hope you don't mind if I steal it from you!

Love the idea, but I do think you need to make it clear that the charity items are INSTEAD OF, not in addition to, gifts for the birthday child. When there is abiguity, people can get a little frustrated at having to donate AND buy a gift. We've done this type party before and used wording similar to the following: "Your presence is present enough, but if you would like to bring a gift, please choose instead to bring an item for the Main Street Humane
Society. Janie has specifically requested to not recieve gifts for herself and would instead like to benefit the animals."

Of course, mentioning gifts on an invitation is completely taboo, but maybe you can appease the ettiquite gods by not wearing white until June or something.

I think that wording is quite tactful and I have revised my original invitation to read that way. Thanks! BTW, I will indeed hold out on wearing white until June, as it will give my rear some time to get smaller.

 

[mrsv98]

I LOVE the idea of the picture on the thank you cards. I hope you don't mind if I steal it from you!

Steal away! I used Shutterfly and the cards turned out great.

 

[Wall-E1]

I think putting it on the invitation is fine. I appreciate it when the child lets me know exactly what they want - whether it be a donation to charity, or items on an amazon wish list. I don't find it tacky at all. It makes life for me much easier being told exactly what to get. Also, I would think very highly of any child who was asking for shelter donations, rather than a gift.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Some people will find it presumptuous or tacky, but I think it's a great idea and in fact we have done it. The shelter was thrilled to get a nearly $500 donation (twins, who also contributed and we did as well). That particular shelter had helped us out when we needed assistance for some stray cats we found in the dead of winter, so it was nice to be able to "give back". Families liked the idea as well. I think donations to any of the charities mentioned would be very much welcomed.