Does he deserve a Christmas present or not? Advice please!

[SundaeAfternoon]

My almost 21 year old brother is, unfortunately, one of the most self-centered people I have ever known, especially when it comes to giving gifts. He's one of those people who always seems to have money for himself, but when a family member's birthday or Christmas comes along he's always "broke." So my dad will sometimes give him money to get the person a present. He's been fired from every job he's ever had, and when my birthday came along in July, he was of course unemployed and I received nothing from him. Not even a card! I was very hurt by this! Not even a month later he got another job, and do you think he made up for the fact he snubbed me on my birthday? Nope! He got fired from his most recent job for not showing up and I know the same thing will be happening for Christmas, and this time my mom will also be hurt. The funny thing is whenever his birthday gets close he starts hinting that his birthday is coming up and listing the things he wants. He will be 21 in February and even had the nerve to suggest we take him on a trip to WDW!

Now with that being said, do you think I should get him something this Christmas? I feel that I shouldn't, because he needs to learn a lesson from this. To learn to think about other people, and not just himself all the time. I feel like I shouldn't continue to spend *my* hard-earned money on him until he changes his behavior. Am I being too harsh? Any advice would be appreciated!

 

[The Mayor]

Read your post and I think you'll see that the answer is self explanatory.

 

[eliza61]

Ok, lots of different things going on.

My belief is that any type of gift, Christmas birthday, wedding or any thing are not mandatory. They are IMO a way of saying "hey, I love you or I wish the best for you, Congratulations you rock" etc or etc.
Even a person who has absolutely nothing, not a penny to his name can pick up the phone. My MIL who is Jehovah Witness and doesn't celebrate holidays will call me and say "I was thinking about you and wanted to thank you for being a part of my life"

Your brother sounds like he has some issues. Don't count on him changing his behaviour, you can't control that so don't use gift giving as a mean to make him "act" correctly. What you can control is your response. Respect and compassion are things your brother has to earn and learn. right now he has neither. so I would not be giving him a gift. I would call and wish him well, wish him love and tell him that he is in your thoughts and prayers.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

You probably shouldn't be giving anyway as I don't think you would be giving him a gift for the right reasons. I don't use holidays as a time to "teach lessons" in a passive agressive manner.

I would, however, take an opportunity to stand up for myself if all these things are important to me. He sounds selfish, indeed.

 

[scrapquitler]

I wouldn't. But in my family (other that my In-laws) we don't do gifts among adults at all...

Give him a card.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My almost 21 year old brother is, unfortunately, one of the most self-centered people I have ever known, especially when it comes to giving gifts. He's one of those people who always seems to have money for himself, but when a family member's birthday or Christmas comes along he's always "broke." So my dad will sometimes give him money to get the person a present. He's been fired from every job he's ever had, and when my birthday came along in July, he was of course unemployed and I received nothing from him. Not even a card! I was very hurt by this! Not even a month later he got another job, and do you think he made up for the fact he snubbed me on my birthday? Nope! He got fired from his most recent job for not showing up and I know the same thing will be happening for Christmas, and this time my mom will also be hurt. The funny thing is whenever his birthday gets close he starts hinting that his birthday is coming up and listing the things he wants. He will be 21 in February and even had the nerve to suggest we take him on a trip to WDW!

Now with that being said, do you think I should get him something this Christmas? I feel that I shouldn't, because he needs to learn a lesson from this. To learn to think about other people, and not just himself all the time. I feel like I shouldn't continue to spend *my* hard-earned money on him until he changes his behavior. Am I being too harsh? Any advice would be appreciated!

If you do not want to get him a gift, then don't get him a gift.

I do think you need to invest yourself less with worrying about his gift giving status. You have many more yrs. ahead of you. Stop driving yourself crazy.

My brothers are 39 and 38 and they still stink about gifts. However I don't care. If I get a gift, I am happy, if I don't get a gift I am happy.

I am giving them gifts out this yr because I want to. I could be slighted in the fact that one of my brother's does similiar stuff however I choose not to because I don't want to make that a part of my life.

I would rather focus on the postive aspect of the holidays rather than the negative. YMMV

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Nope. If your parents want to continue to excuse and enable his behavior, that's on them, but not everyone needs to follow suit.

 

[tasha99]

I don't see gifts as a quid pro quo tradition, but I also don't think you should feel obligated to give a gift you don't feel like giving. If it were me, I wouldn't use the holiday to teach him a lesson.

Gifts in our family are not mandatory, and I have to admit that as a single parent, there have been times I've given one of my 5 siblings (or their 5 spouses--see the point--that's a lot of gift giving for the financially challenged before even looking at their kids and other relatives!) something like a homemade freezer meal or a card. I would just get your brother something you feel like giving, or a card, and not worry about it.

 

[Tinker74]

He's young..only 20..and he's a man......I'd let him off the hook if he was my little brother. No doubt he will become less selfish in a few years..after all he is only just out of his teens!

As for you giving him a gift...I was always taught you shouldn't give to recieve.

 

[MariDisney]

I also do not see gifts as something you use to teach a lesson or use as a punishment, etc. I give gifts to the people I love because I love them. They don't need to do something to earn it. Some people are screw ups. I have a screw up brother myself. I pray that someday the kindness and love of others may be the thing that sparks him to turn his life around. I also know that tragic things happen. If I didn't give a gift and God forbid he got hit by a bus I would feel very guilty that I witheld my generosity in order to teach a lesson.

So, yes, I would give him a gift and wish him well in the coming year. I don't expect anything in return.

 

[dejr_8]

I wouldn't get him a present.

My BIL (now 33 and married) has yet to buy a single Christmas present for either one of our kids (7 and 10) even though they are his only nephews. I refuse to let my wife send him anything for Christmas.

 

[wendy46001]

I don't use holidays as a time to "teach lessons" in a passive agressive manner.

I agree, you arent going to change him or get him to see the light by withholding a gift

i would make a donation in his name or something along that line

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Here's what I'd give him some combination of the following:

A nice calendar with all the family birthdays marked, addresses and phone numbers written ON the calendar and a selection of mixed greeting cards with stamped envelopes.

An email saying "I know money's tight for you and I can imagine how hard it must be not to be able to give gifts at this time of the year. I happened to come across a nice (sweater, pair of slippers, whatever) that's perfect for mom. I'd like to give it to you as your gift so you have something to give to her. I'll bring it to the get together on Christmas and we can sneak out and hand it off.

Something edible to share -- e.g. a box of chocolates, so he can pass it around on Christmas morning.

I often think that if we attribute motives to people they live up to our expectations, so I'd want a gift that says "Of course you want to be generous, it's just the money that's the problem, and I'm happy to help." Who knows, maybe once he gets a chance to give/share something he'll discovered

 

[SundaeAfternoon]

Thanks for the replies. This has more to do with the fact that he really hurts my feelings than it does with "teaching him a lesson." My mom and I are always going out of our way for him and his behavior hurts us. I agree that you shouldn't give to receive, but you also shouldn't feel obligated to fuss all over somebody who doesn't care too much about you, even if that person is family.

I suggested the idea of donating to a charity in his name to my mom a little while back and she didn't like that idea. She felt it would make him angry, but she is all for me not getting him anything at all. Go figure lol!

 

[SundaeAfternoon]

Here's what I'd give him some combination of the following:

A nice calendar with all the family birthdays marked, addresses and phone numbers written ON the calendar and a selection of mixed greeting cards with stamped envelopes.

An email saying "I know money's tight for you and I can imagine how hard it must be not to be able to give gifts at this time of the year. I happened to come across a nice (sweater, pair of slippers, whatever) that's perfect for mom. I'd like to give it to you as your gift so you have something to give to her. I'll bring it to the get together on Christmas and we can sneak out and hand it off.

Something edible to share -- e.g. a box of chocolates, so he can pass it around on Christmas morning.

I often think that if we attribute motives to people they live up to our expectations, so I'd want a gift that says "Of course you want to be generous, it's just the money that's the problem, and I'm happy to help." Who knows, maybe once he gets a chance to give/share something he'll discovered

Those are great ideas!!

 

[Ephany]

In our family Christmas presents are for children, not for adult siblings so no, I wouldn't get him a present. The funny thing is my mid 20's brother is cool with this and my 30 year old sister is not. Of course she sounds just like your brother and only likes gift exhanges when she receives and doesn't have to buy. I do send them a birthday card when I can, and rarely get anything in return but I'm ok with that.

 

[MOMTOCUTESTDOGEVER]

If you are going to go the passive agressive route, I have a suggestion. How about a book on landing and keeping a job?

 

[spacemermaid]

It sounds to me as if he doesn't not reciprocate birthday/Christmas gifts out of just being low on money or out of a job, but out of a feeling that he's entitled to receive (hence the long lists of gifts he wants, and a request for a trip to WDW...now it takes some real chutzpah to ask for something like that, when one can't even be bothered to send a card or pick up the phone!). It also sounds like other family members would be hurt/angry if you gave him nothing. I'd go with what a previous poster said (a candy or food gift that could be passed around to the family to share; technically, you'd still be giving him something, so it'd most likely keep the peace) and a card. I've found that this works well with...certain family members who make holiday/birthday lists a mile long, filled with things "you just don't ask for" (unless the gift-giver is, say, royalty, or a movie star, or Elvis himself *who was known to give cars as gifts* ) & then conveniently "forget" everyone else's birthday, or that one usually gets at least *something* for their family members during the holidays. They don't go empty-handed, you don't end up spending much $, and the peace is kept. Good luck to you; your brother sounds alot like a...certain family member of mine!

 

[sbell111]

I wouldn't get him a present.

My BIL (now 33 and married) has yet to buy a single Christmas present for either one of our kids (7 and 10) even though they are his only nephews. I refuse to let my wife send him anything for Christmas.

You're like my wife. She thinks that everyone in the entire world needs to be given a gift. The problem with that is that these things get expensive.

In my opinion, neices, nephews and cousins are not on the list. Heck, aunts and uncles are not on the list. Sibs are only on the list depending on how close you feel to them.

 

[wdwfan16]

Gifts are never manditory. Get him a gift if you want to give him one. If not, then don't. If it was me I would get him a small token gift from your family.

Remember that you cannot control the behavior of others but you can control how you let their behavior effect you.