I was very religious, dated my husband for 5 years before we got married, had hopes and dreams of being married forever, had no thought that we would ever divorce and then one day 2 years ago my now ex husband came home one afternoon, told me he didn't love me, had cheated on me and was moving out without any chance of trying to reconcile it. He came back that night, told the kids he was done and that was it.
I had NO idea he was unhappy. We hadn't been fighting, had a trip planned the following week and BAM he slapped me with that tidbit of news.
I am now divorced and had no idea it was coming. I value marriage, was religious, had 3 kids with my husband and wham here I am a now divorced, single mom of 3 kids and still feel shocked that I am where I am.
I would have never predicted this happening to us. We were best friends, had a great life, great kids, religious, financially secure and yet it did. There are no guarantees in life sadly.
My good friend married in a church (not the church she or her groom grew up in, but a good one in their neighborhood with a female pastor that they appreciated) but still, 7 years later she found an unknown cellphone in his pocket (at a New Years Eve party), and in the ensuing argument found out that it was a totally separate phone number than the one she knew about, he'd been spending scads from his money, he had an apartment lined up to move out, and was dating his law secretary (yawn! I think the part that hurt her the most was how BORING his choice of affair partner was). She worked her butt off to work things through, but ultimately he was lying even to his individual counselor and especially in couples counseling, and she had to finally stop the madness. She hated the fact that she had to get divorced, but nowadays her life is so much better.
What's funny is that she's one of 4 sisters, and all but one have been divorced at least once! And they were raised in a VERY religious family!!!
We have women who want to be married so badly they have their wedding days planned out from start to finish - except no one talks about the marriage.
I have been married for 12 years - it is EASY for us. We love, laugh and talk. He has seen me at my best and worst and still adores me. We have not had any rough patches and do not foresee any.
I'm glad marriage is easy for you. It really isn't for most people. It's hard work for most people. Living with other people isn't generally a walk in the park...you're very lucky.
As for the marriage vs wedding thing...I had wedding planning message boards to *plan my wedding*. I had the rest of my days, weeks, and months to work on my marriage. We did individual counseling and couples counseling while still engaged, but I RARELY talked about those things b/c they were so personal (and boring!) to talk about with others.
It's entirely possible (and probable) that even a person who only talks about a wedding is also planning the marriage. They are two separate things, and it's just rude to assume that talking about one means not even thinking about the other.
ITA! If more people would bring church back into their lives not only would marriage be looked at differently but I think kids would be more well behaved.
JMHO
BIL and his wife have been married 6 months longer than us, will be 10 years this year and they no longer sleep in the same bed. He has a bedroom upstairs, she has the master downstairs. I believe they are only staying together now to co parent. With their work schedules, neither could do it without the other.
Are you only basing your opinion on your BIL based on their sleeping arrangements? If so, you shouldk now that MANY couples sleep in separate bedrooms and it's done to SAVE the marriage.
I have now finally discovered earplugs that I can wear without going crazy (other earplugs caused me to hear my heartbeat and breathing all night, and that was insanity in the making) and hubby is now allowed back in the family bed. He was before, but then DS and I got sick and hubby slept on the couch, then HE got sick and stayed out there, and then finally when we tried to include hubby again I couldn't sleep! So he was on the couch (I offered to be the couch-sleeper but he always refused) until I finally discovered the earplugs...but now we realize how many people sleep separately and happily, and we won't hesitate to sleep in different rooms again...trust me, thoughts of murder Every Single Night b/c of someone's snoring aren't good for a marriage.
As for religion...eh.
Religion has falsely kept "marriages" together, or rather kept divorces from happening, but that doesn't mean people were pleased to be there, or even there.
My great grandmother...she was Irish and Catholic, living in the States. Her husband left her when their children were VERY small. But she Could Not Get a Divorce. Absolutely forbidden by her priest. Because she couldn't divorce, she was single in the worst possible way...no support from her "husband", no chance of remarrying.
She tried to get her priest to allow the divorce for quite awhile...he always refused. Finally my great gran met a nice Protestant man, tried once more...her priest said absolutely NO.
And the phrase that came out of her mouth next, as she ditched the priest and the Church, is the reason my family is not Catholic. She got her civil divorce, married the Protestant man, he adopted her children (they hadn't seen their father for years) and changed the last names of the children, and that's why my grandfather had a different last name than the one he was born in. (makes geneaology interesting!)
Around 10 years ago, Ireland finally allowed divorce to be legal...and a ton of people got divorced. They'd just been waiting for it. Religion or not, they were unhappy enough to get out of their marriages, and once it was legal they were gone.
Hubby and I are not religious, and we made up our own vows. But even before we were married, we showed more willingness to work our butts off to keep the relationship AND keep it good than any of our friends who were married by clergy.
In these marriage threads there are usually a fair amount of people that say marriage is hard or marriages are hard work. Shouldn't marriages be easy and fun?
Is living with another person always fun? Having roommates isn't a walk in the park. And when you add all the layers of a relationship onto that roommate, you've got yourself the potential for extreme difficulty.
IMO, people thinking that marriage is fun and easy are the ones who get divorced quicker...those going into it knowing it'll be hard work are at least being more realistic and if they are wrong, at least it's in a good way!!!
I'll be honest with you. I think marriage is overrated as a means to happiness. If I had to do it over again, I doubt I'd marry.
Yeah, fine words coming from a man who is in an open marriage. It's a matter of record that he and Jada removed the vows of fidelity from their marriage ceremony and do not believe monogamy is necessary to marriage. Well, then, staying married just got a LOT easier for them since they've removed infidelity and jealousy as a reason for divorce.
I think it's overrated too, and I'm not sure why I said "yes". Don't get me wrong, I'd still be with him. The recent prop 8 stuff made me realize that I feel I'm a sham...I've actually discussed it with hubby, and we've talked about divorcing legally but continuing on...because we don't seem to value the institution as much as those who are working their butts off to be married. Seems stupid for us to feel that way and be married...we haven't done that b/c we don't want to confuse matters, nor do we want to spend the money to get everything legalized as we'd have to do if not married (big reason people want to be married!), and we're kinda lazy too.
It's a matter of record? What record?
FWIW we didn't say anything in our vows about fidelity either...doesn't mean we don't believe in it or practice it.
My first DH was so not into being married. He wanted to date and party and just generally act single. I thought it was better if he was actually so.
BIL and his wife have been married 6 months longer than us, will be 10 years this year and they no longer sleep in the same bed. He has a bedroom upstairs, she has the master downstairs. I believe they are only staying together now to co parent. With their work schedules, neither could do it without the other.
Since when is marriage less of a commitment then children?! Marriages can end, children are for life. This kind of thinking makes me so sad because as a teacher I see it more then would even have believed possible.
.....
One day we will all be equal!
