I look at it as acceptance rather than forgiveness. You accept that your parent is who they are, what they have done, etc and you act accordingly.
If they did heinous things to you then you cut them off. If they are mean and you still want to be connected or have to be connected you adjust with your behavior.
I like that.
DH's mom was and is mean. DH's dad was mean and abusive.
DH managed to get a bit of an apology from FIL as FIL was in his last illness.
DH's mom is still in denial, even though she knows that it is her behaviour that causes us to almost never (only once) leave DS with her alone.
DH's mom pretty much singlehandedly caused DH's initial weight problem. He was a normal sized baby, then she started forcefeeding him meat at only weeks old (to tell the full story, that was b/c she didn't understand weeks vs months, and thought she was following the MD's suggestions, while putting her own brain on hold). She would have her oldest son (who had been raised to 9 years old by his grandmother while MIL worked) give him a BIG bottle of *water* while MIL slept. Confused his body's hunger signals. Then she'd heap his plate full of food, insist it was all eaten, NOT allow him to run and jump and play like a normal little kid, and then get on his case when he gained weight. That went on for years and years. And somehow she's surprised that his metabolism is messed up, and that he has deep emotional issues with food.
She's mean about everything else, too. Any hard work he does and accomplishments he achieves...those are thanks to Buddha, and now his dad (she somehow forgets that she believes in reincarnation and therefore FIL is someone/something else now), and aren't we glad she's praying for us. It's not because HE worked hard. If he loses weight,
I get the kudos for "controlling" him. But if he gains, or gets laid off, those are all on his shoulders, HIS fault.
I don't know why he's still in her life. If it were solely up to me, we'd be a world apart (if he could telecommute from Fiji).
But she knows that if she gets on his case in front of DS, they will leave immediately. If she ever gets on DS's case, that will be the END.
Oh, with DS, he's trim like me and my brother were (and my brother still is, and how I'm working to get back to). DS is also strong and muscular, like DH is underneath. Whenever MIL comments on DS's physique, she skips past me or DH, and says that my BROTHER's physique passed on to DS. Someday I'm going to bring in kid pictures of me. Heck, all the way up to 30 I was in great shape! And we can see DH's sturdy little boy shape in DS, just without the full plates of force-fed food piled on top. She's driving me batty. And the kicker is...my trim and slim marathon running brother? Was a chubby kid! All the way up to his sophomore year in HS he was a little bulkier than perhaps he wanted to be. And then he grew into himself.
That got WAY longer than it should have been. MIL is driving me batty. And I'm the one that gets to help her from afar (I almost never visit her, while sending DH and DS up to her), dealing with insurance and such for her.
Thank you all so much and this is great advice. My mother likes to "engage" or set me off. I'll take a page out of her book and change the subject when she does this. I would love to be close to my mom, but I just can't. But I do love her very much.
Changing the subject works with MIL.
My own dad, who is never mean *to me*, acts his best when I actually call him on things. He is dead to my brother and he knows it. His other two sons only stay around to protect their sister and their mom, but hate him and he knows it. Who knows what his second daughter is going to do when she's of age. I'm the last one, and the only one with a kid.
We visited once and he started flipping out about my stepmom, calling her ugly names. I wasn't subtle, I told DH to take DS out, and flat out told my dad he was NOT to speak like that in front of DS EVER. And that if he really felt that way about his wife, he should leave (he won't, she's the money-maker, and they have some weird convoluted relationship and have been married for 30 years or so now).
Subtlety doesn't work with him. Being straight up and clear with him does.
But if you're worried she might have fun with that, really engage in an argument with you if you do that, do NOT do that. I'm detached from my dad, and could turn my back on him in an instant; I keep a relationship because he has potential to be a good man and because I like his family (though they would rally around me if I ended the relationship with him, like they rallied around my mom when she booted him).
Lots of words, hopefully some will help.
I can relate. It sounds like you have a mature, reasonable reaction to your mom.
