Does anyone have a mean mother or father?

[AristocatFan]

Sorry you are going through this. Yes, my mother was mean. I grew up always being told I was "stupid and ugly" and everything was always my fault. Not only was she verbally abusive but also physically. But over the years I've also come to accept her but not really forgive. We have no control over what we are born into, we can only control how we handle it.

She passed away in 2006 after suffering from cancer. I sometimes wonder if some of her suffering wasn't a form of karma.

 

[Aisling]

I have a mean mother. All my life she was very critical, only seeing my faults, and never a kind word of encouragement. I was a good kid and she seemed to resent that, because I didn't give her much of a legitimate reason for her negitivity towards me. She was, and is, all about herself. God forbid I get a new washing maching, she'll call me and complain how her's isn't working well instead of saying "I'm happy that my daughter doesn't have to trudge clothes to the laundromat". If my kids achieve something, she criticizes me for "doting" on them and how she never had time to give her kids attention because there were 5 of us ungrateful brats.

After I had my 2nd baby, I was 40 lbs overweight and she said she'll "give" me "6 months to lose the weight otherwise you're hopeless".

She can't be happy unless she's knocking her kids in some way. It's been like this since I was a small child. Thank God I have a loving father, and thank God they got divorced because she was terrible to him, too.

I treat her as politely as I would a neighbor down the street. I have no child/mother feelings for her at all.

One good thing, it made me a much better mother to my own kids. I learned from her how NOT to be a bad mother.

 

[Princess_Nikki]

Recently I became a born-again Christian and my mom threw every curse at me. Saying that I was making a huge mistake and that I was brain-washed.

I have learned to respond to my mother calmly and respectfully. Everything that I do is a dissappointment to her to the pressure is off me to please her. I just try to be compassionate and listen to her concerns.

Wanted to know other pepole's experiences with parents who work against their children.

First of all...

Yes, I do. My mother is very similar to yours. I encourage you to read, "Getting Rid of the Gorilla: Confessions on the Struggle to Forgive" by Brian Jones. I heard his radio program on Focus on the Family and it was really good.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Rid-Gorilla-Confessions-Struggle/dp/0784721521

My mother and I no longer talk. Mostly her choice BTW. It wasn't healthy for me to be in that kind of relationship anymore.

Congrats on your new religious view

 

[cheermom1]

I have a mean mother. All my life she was very critical, only seeing my faults, and never a kind word of encouragement. I was a good kid and she seemed to resent that, because I didn't give her much of a legitimate reason for her negitivity towards me. She was, and is, all about herself. God forbid I get a new washing maching, she'll call me and complain how her's isn't working well instead of saying "I'm happy that my daughter doesn't have to trudge clothes to the laundromat". If my kids achieve something, she criticizes me for "doting" on them and how she never had time to give her kids attention because there were 5 of us ungrateful brats.

After I had my 2nd baby, I was 40 lbs overweight and she said she'll "give" me "6 months to lose the weight otherwise you're hopeless".

She can't be happy unless she's knocking her kids in some way. It's been like this since I was a small child. Thank God I have a loving father, and thank God they got divorced because she was terrible to him, too.

I treat her as politely as I would a neighbor down the street. I have no child/mother feelings for her at all.

One good thing, it made me a much better mother to my own kids. I learned from her how NOT to be a bad mother.

WOW same here, I remember my mom telling me one time that she deserved to have a better home, car and other things b/c she was older than her kids and she supposed to have it better...

what prompted that was my brother and his wife had gotten a new home with several acres and she was jealous instead of being happy for them..

every time one of us gets something new with ion a week she has something similar...

I too have learned what NOT to do being a mother..I try so hard not to say or do things like that to them...

I am so proud of my dd she has always had good grades and wants to go to college...my son finally is living up to his potential even the school noticed it and said something to me...

I remember my mom never saying she was ever proud of me till recently when we got into a HUGE fight and she was complaining to my brother about it..He told her like it was and it still took her almost 3 weeks to even say anything to me..what broke her was that my brother asked her "remember the way you felt when grandma doted over your brother and said mean things to you?" (grandma is the same way with her youngest as my mom is with my sis) pretty much she has no other kids ...

to you I can so relate..i hope that everyone can get in a place that they can deal with it and not get hurt...

what helps me is to not call her and tell her about our lives ..not even go see them ..they do call a lot and say "I haven;t seen or heard from you in a while and thought we could come see you." but EVERY time it is either to borrow something or for us to take them some where...It can never be to just see us..

 

[Princess_Nikki]

She can't be happy unless she's knocking her kids in some way. It's been like this since I was a small child. Thank God I have a loving father, and thank God they got divorced because she was terrible to him, too.

I treat her as politely as I would a neighbor down the street. I have no child/mother feelings for her at all.

One good thing, it made me a much better mother to my own kids. I learned from her how NOT to be a bad mother.

This is exactly like me too! I have the world's GREATEST Dad. I love him to bits, he was always loving and kind to me, and he is a great Pop Pop to my two sons. I'm glad he is not with my mom anymore too.

And you are so right. Having a mother like I had, showed me the kind of mom I DON'T want to be. Everyday I work really hard at being a good and loving mom to my two awesome boys.

 

[clh2]

My dad is really very nice...my mom...I try really hard not to specifcally comment on actions. Oh - I can relate to many of the comments on this thread. Suffice it to say, I limit my contact. Unfortunately, since they live 4 hours away, I don't see my dad often, due to my mom.

On a lighter note - whenever I do something that resembles my mom -- my DH will call me by her first name. He does put in the exact right amount of humor, so that is fine. Whatever the issue/attitude is is...I will back down fast.

***I feel like we need a "black sheep" smiley for this thread!***

 

[suzimar57]

my mother is a saint - my father, a horrible abusive bully

even at the age of 77 - old age isn't slowing him down, either.

 

[m!ssemmx0]

I don't have a mean parent (thank God), but both of my grandmothers can be/were mean. My mom's mom is very belittling and negative towards my mom because she never liked my dad (they'll be married 18 years this year, by the way), and she's extremely negative towards me. She's made snide comments about my weight (I'm not overweight, it's just a sensitive subject for me) to my face, and she doesn't have much faith in me. My dad told me recently that if it were up to her, I wouldn't even be here right now (it's kind of a long story). As for my mom's dad, he's always been there for me and has never had a mean thing to say.
My dad's mom was never really a part of my life. She didn't really bother to acknowledge us or make an effort to spend time with us. When she would come to visit she'd be really distant and not really spend time with us (especially the last time she was here, before she died). I think the reason I wasn't really sad when she died was because she didn't ever make an effort to bond with us, so I didn't really have much to be sad about.

 

[NotUrsula]

On a lighter note - whenever I do something that resembles my mom -- my DH will call me by her first name. He does put in the exact right amount of humor, so that is fine. Whatever the issue/attitude is...I will back down fast.

Too funny -- DH does *exactly* the same thing. The kids don't know what the signal means because my Mom died when the oldest was only 5 mos old.

I very seldom lose my temper, but when I do I'm dangerous, and I tend to unconsciously go for the jugular, insult-wise. I've managed never to fully lose my temper with DH, but the kids are another matter, and I've said a few nasty things to them on a couple of occasions. (I do always apologize with lots of hugs.)

 

[Inigo]

I won't go into specifics, I'll just say my kids are 19 and almost 23. They have never met my parents, and my mother (dad died a few years ago) lives just about 20 minutes from me.

 

[Robinrs]

OmG, I hate to hear things like this~

My Mom had a MEAN Mom. She completely turned it around though, and became the most awesome Mom ever.

Her Mom was a MEAN Grandmom, also, but she didn't have the chance to hurt any of us because my Mom never let her. Mom was amazing, though she took care of her mother till she died at the age of 91.

I admired her for putting the pain aside and caring for her mother when she became senile. At the end she didn't even know who my Mom was... My Mom was so sad when she died but it ended the cycle of pain she lived with for 61 years.

God bless you, I know you will also end the cycle. Also know that as a born again Christian you will have MANY detractors.... hang in there, there IS a reward at the end!

 

[busyshrew]

I too, have a mean mother. She is reformed... slightly.... for now. We shall see.

I had the typical immigrant's child homelife: EVERY test had to be perfect. 98% on a test? Where was the other 2%?? Nothing was ever good enough. That was the nice stuff.

The bad stuff: constant unending criticism about my weight (too fat), and my clothes (made me look fat). Constantly getting slapped (that lasted until I finally hit back at the age of 15). Constant complaints about how awful my father was (they were separated at the time). Indifferent contempt toward gestures of affection. Rude behaviour to service people and strangers. Obsessive about money and paranoid about it.

She got really crazy after I went off to university. Because she wasn't in the same province anymore, she appointed a family acquaintance whom I barely knew to be a "surrogate mother" to me. She would INSIST on my going to this woman's house to give presents on birthdays and holidays , she would INSIST on this woman being included on the rare mother-daughter visits she made to see me. And every single time, my mother would blow an absolute TANTRUM because I didn't treat her friend right. She would claim that I was rude to her friend and get mad that I didn't treat her friend like .... a mother!! Bizarre, crazy behaviour. My poor DH even got to see some of it. It's a miracle he still wanted to marry me.

My DM basically made my life such a living misery that all I ever thought about was leaving home as quickly as possible and staying away.

She tried some of her crazy behaviour when DD was born, but my foot came down HARD. I told her off (and the blowup was absolutely monumental!) in no uncertain terms and wound up cutting off contact for almost an entire year. She's slowly earned back the privilege of regular contact, but it's probation for life. My mother KNOWS that I will cut her dead without a second thought if she looks cross-eyed at my family even once. I think that's the only thing that makes her stay in line.

Even now, DH and I can tell if my mother is in a "mood", but I just get very cool, refuse to engage, and cut the visit off immediately. It's her problem and I refuse to make it mine.

Sorry for the long post, obviously this has struck a nerve!!! To the OP - be strong, you have my complete sympathy.

 

[handinpocket]

I was blessed with very loving parents. I can only hope that my children love me as much as I love my parents.

I'm so sorry for all you guys that had mean parents, I just can't imagine.

 

[Planogirl]

My mother was often mean and always cold. I haven't seen her in over 10 years and that works for me.

 

[amberg@eastlink.ca]

i do. for us we've cut her out....there was no other way around it. after dd4 was born it reared its ugly ugly head. i stood up and put my foot down that she would not have unlimited access to our daughter and she could not come and go from our house when she wanted. we requested a phone call before they showed up on our doorstep. that was too much and we were accused of "blackmailing" them. yes i kid you not. i presume my dimwitted stepfather who used the term has no idea what it means.

we tried family councelling and that blewup in our face. she twisted everything/detail/matter posssible. only recently after several losses early last year i went to a pshychologist and i rambled about my mother. she dx'd her with narsisticit behaviour. everything i thought and said and talked about pegged it. i was stunned, but felt better than after almost 5 yrs of this fight with my mom i finally had someone who knew what this was about and the fact that i wasnt just being a mean daughter as called by her and anyone else who would listne to her side. you can only try so many times and get burned so may times before you give up. i hope one day to patch things up, but for rite now its not a possibility.

 

[Amy&Dan]

OP and many others on this thread, I am so sorry that the person/people who should love and support you the most do not. That is beyond sad.

I had wonderful parents (they are both gone now) but my husband's mom is one of the meanest people I have ever met.

She used her children, she pitted them against each other, their dad, their wives and girlfriends and anyone else she considered a threat. Which was everyone. Watching her in action in the early days of my life with dh was sort of like watching a movie. It was surreal and very disturbing.

Sadly, my husband basically had to cut of ties with her. It makes me sad for him and for my children who never have met their grandmother. Dh did try to send some snapshots of the kids to her but she refused to even look at them when his uncle tried to show them to her. She kept saying "those kids are *******s, I don't acknowledge *******s". I still wish dh hadn't found out about that. But it was truly the final straw of him realizing his mom was beyond help.

I remember dh coming home one night white as a ghost. I was pregnant and craving Arby's of all things. He went to a drive thru and suddenly his mom walked right in front of the car, she was going into the restaurant. She didn't see him but she was so close. As he sat in the line, he could see her go in, saw her standing in the line to order. There was his own mom, we were set to have our first child any minute, and he knew he couldn't even go in and see her. It was very sad. He never went to that Arby's again!

From what I gather from dh and other family members (and my fil who spent 28 miserable years being married to her) she got sicker, angrier and crazier with each year. She often faked being ill and would often tell people she wasy dying to get attention and to attempt to make them forgive her for whatever wrongs she had committed. The last I heard, she now pretends she is blind. But still watches tv! She nuts and mean.

Like someone said, he did forgive and in some ways that wasn't as hard since he truly believes she is mentally ill. Forgetting though, that is tough.

Its a shame people with brains wired that way can even physcially procreate. In a perfect world, there would be some sort of internal meter to determine if the mind could handle what the body produces!

 

[fortheluvofpooh]

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) I can completely relate. So sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

[Bluestars]

my mom should NOT have been a mother. End of story. She's fine now, because i'm an adult and we have an adult relationship, but my life was hell until she kicked me out when i was 16. We didn't really have a relationship again until i was probably 19 or so.

i don't want to have kids, for a multitude of reasons, one of them being that i fear that i would do to them what she did to me.

That's very sad. I'll bet you would make a great mother though. I think sometimes the children of mean and abusive parents learn what not to do and make great parents themselves.

I feel so sorry for everyone here who has had a mean parent. My mother is great, but her mother had problems. My mother's parents were separated and her dad took off. Her mom had three kids, my mother, an older sister, and a younger brother. Her mother took my mom and her younger brother over to a friend's house and abandoned them there, never to return.

My mom's father finally found my mom and her brother. By that time she had been in the state's care for quite awhile.

Anyway, it goes to show that no matter how awful a parent can be, their own children can be wonderful, loving parents. No child deserves to be mistreated. It makes me sick to hear how people have been treated by their own parents.