Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[Jenn Lynn]

Okay..ahhh...scream....you understand that this is not a sexual thing right??? How immoral is it to just talk to someone? Thats all that I was asking. Everyone blew it way out of proporation and started acting like I was this horrible hussy. I was hoping that from all of the other posts on here you guys had an idea of who I am! Someone was talking about procreating and making illegitimate babies, for god sakes!! What the hell would make you guys think that I am going around out there having kids out of wedlock??

I feel like why should I come back when you guys are just projecting all of these untrue things on to me anyway? You are basically treating me like I am stupid, trash. Why would you do that?

MANY people have pointed out that what you are doing (talking to the guy) is wrong. He should be talking to his wife. He has your phone # and should NOT be calling you. It is called an Emotional Affair. I believe several posters have used this term. And from the post where you said you WOULD be sleeping with the guy if he wasn't married shows that YOU are emotionally invested.

It is wrong. That is why we said GET OUT before it goes any further. I know I think you are a smart woman (from your posts I have read) and am really dumbfounded that you cannot see what is going on. And you have also said that you REAL LIFE friends tell you to get away. What more do you need?

 

[Pongo69]

I'm starting to think that you guys enjoy being a bunch of self-righteous *****es. I truly hope I get banned for saying that, cause I don't want to come back here anyway. (YAGE)

You know Mp I'm far from self righteous but I gotta tell you "YOUR WRONG" In my book it takes a "REAL WOMAN" with DIGNITY and RESPECT to not mess around with a married man no matter how good the package look and no matter how much BS he's telling you.

You may think your not at fault but honey let me tell you something... mark my words, you will reap what you sow!!! There will come a time in your life when you think you found the love of your life. When the pain hit you 10x's worse than the pain your putting his wife thru I hope you can deal with it because it's definitely going to happen.

If you meant right you would walk away, but I honestly think you know what you doing. What I find so sad is that you think your actions are justified.

If you feel the need to make yourself feel better by calling me and other women selfrighteous that's fine. As a married woman I'll continue to be self righteous if it means I have enough respect for myself to never hurt another married woman because of my own selfish needs!!
I'll continue to be self righteous by not degrading myself. I'll be self righteous if it means I'll never cross the line by interferring in a troubled marriage regardless of what the cheating husband is telling me.

I'll be whatever you want me to be, but one thing I thank GOD for is giving me enough sense, dignity and pride in myself and to be able to think about how my actions would affect another person.

BTW, I won't say YOU give women a bad name because your an adult who's responsible for your own actions. I do hope for you sake that you atleast take the time to search your soul and concious so you can do the right thing.

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WANT OTHERS TO DO UNTO YOU are words to live by.


Edited to add: I'm not trying to be cruel but your putting yourself in a situation you have no business in. He should be spending time with his wife not you. Even if he doesn't agree you should at least do the right thing by distancing yourself from this situation.

Again I'm not being cruel but this man is married Mpn. Him being married regardless of how unhappy says he is does not give you the right to interfere. I'm sorry but no matter how you look at it or how many lies you tell yourself to make you feel better your wrong.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

Wow! I knew I should have stayed off of this thread today. It has definitely started to get a lot uglier than yesterday. MPN, I am not trying to make you feel attacked, but I do think that you are getting harsh just b/c others don't agree with you. I really feel like you posted about your situation to hear somebody say that what you are doing is harmless. I don't think anyone really has been that harsh towards you. They are simply letting you know what they have learned either by witnessing it or going through it...and that is that your situation with this guy is going to end badly. Not just for you but for others as well. As far as you meeting this guy in a public place, so what? Lots of people have affairs in public places. Sugar-coat it any way you want, but you are having an emotional affair which eventually will either lead to a sexual affair or you will end up hurt or both. I am sorry you don't like to hear people when they disagree with you, but that's part of life. Not everyone is going to agree. As far as putting down Poohandwendy, I am sorry you don't like her posts, but I think a lot of what she says makes sense. I would go back and reread some of her earlier posts (before you started to feel offended by her posts) and you will see what I am talking about, hopefully. I really do wish you the best. Unfortunately, I am not going to wish you the best with a married man. If this makes you feel that I am a self-righteous, B, then so be it.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I do feel bad about it, and I haven't returned his phone calls. I'm going out in a little bit with some friends, no where that I would see him.

Tomorrow, I am going to the place where he usually is, it's somewhere that I go every Sun (even before I knew him). If you were me, would you just snub him, or something?

 

[totalia]

Very well put Tasha. I agree.

Minnie, no I'd just cut contact completely. Not call him and not see him. Make excuses that your busy doing something else. Eventually, he will get the point.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

I do feel bad about it, and I haven't returned his phone calls. I'm going out in a little bit with some friends, no where that I would see him.

Tomorrow, I am going to the place where he usually is, it's somewhere that I go every Sun (even before I knew him). If you were me, would you just snub him, or something?

Have fun tonight. Glad you won't be with him. As far as tomorrow, I wouldn't snub him necessarily. I would simply tell him that you need to end this friendship with him, that it is getting a little too intense. That you feel you have led him on and that wasn't your intentions (going by what you have said on this one) and that he needs to go home and start working out his marital problems with his wife. Then, I would snub him. Ignore his calls, emails, whatever communication you two have used in the past. Don't see him or talk to him anymore. If you see him out somewhere, turn and head in the opposite direction. You asked, so that is what I would do.

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

In Minnie's defense, I think the self righteous ***** comments were made in relation to posters telling her she was definitely sleeping with this guy regardless of the fact that they don't know jack about her or him and jumping to the conclusion that she will be having children out of wedlock any day now. Also, the post that seemed to push her over the edge was the one that accused her of having "fun" with the situation because she was using too many smilies in her posts, of all things (something which is commonly done to tone down posts).

It would make me angry as well.

That being said, Minnie, I do have to say I agree that having deep talks with this man about his personal life is wrong and should be stopped. Even in public places. It's not going to help him...it's only confusing him (and you) and making things worse. Wait till he gets a divorce or whatever...but don't pursue this thing. And don't go investigating around to see if he is being truthful with you! That won't accomplish anything and won't change the basic point that whether or not is is lying about his marriage being a shambles or not....this friendship is not right and shouldn't be pursued.

 

[Pongo69]

I do feel bad about it, and I haven't returned his phone calls. I'm going out in a little bit with some friends, no where that I would see him.

Tomorrow, I am going to the place where he usually is, it's somewhere that I go every Sun (even before I knew him). If you were me, would you just snub him, or something?

If snubbing him will cause you to distance yourself from him then yes do it!!

I don't care what sob story he come up with, be upfront and tell him to talk his problems over with his wife. Tell him communication between you two will cease. Tell him YOU realized it's not right to interfere in a troubled relationship because you wouldn't like it if you were in his wife shoes.

Whatever you have to do just do the right thing

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Have fun tonight. Glad you won't be with him. As far as tomorrow, I wouldn't snub him necessarily. I would simply tell him that you need to end this friendship with him, that it is getting a little too intense. That you feel you have led him on and that wasn't your intentions (going by what you have said on this one) and that he needs to go home and start working out his marital problems with his wife. Then, I would snub him. Ignore his calls, emails, whatever communication you two have used in the past. Don't see him or talk to him anymore. If you see him out somewhere, turn and head in the opposite direction. You asked, so that is what I would do.

I agree with Tasha. And if for some reason you are not ready to have this conversation with him don't go to that place.

Also if you do tell him you need to end the friendship be prepared for the excuses. Get up and walk out if you have to. JMHO. Good Luck.

 

[Lewski709]

Not one person has made any suggestion that even remotely points to that. We are talking about non abusive situations, as Disney Doll pointed out.

totalia...there are reasons end marriage. Been there once, done that. Abusive, drugs, cheating (him), impregnation of another woman, alcholism, drugs, theft and disappearance. I think those are pretty good damn reasons to divorce. I was married 6 months, BTW, and dated him 3yrs. Thank goodness that chapter of my life ended quickly!

 

[TigerBear]

I got upset because I don't define it as a relationship.

Ah, that makes more sense to me now. I meant "relationship" in general terms - a friendship is a relationship to me.

 

[Buckalew11]

I do feel bad about it, and I haven't returned his phone calls. I'm going out in a little bit with some friends, no where that I would see him.

Tomorrow, I am going to the place where he usually is, it's somewhere that I go every Sun (even before I knew him). If you were me, would you just snub him, or something?

If I were you, I wouldn't snub him. I'd tell him that while he is still a married man, happy or not, I am not interested in taking this relationship any further (and relationships always go further--even with no sex, your friendship grows deeper). I'd suggest that he put his efforts in starting a relationship with you into his own marriage and with his wife. After I had my say, it'd be over. Don't call, don't visit and maybe go someplace new next Sunday if the temptation is too great to talk with him. You are responsible for your self and the choices you make. At this point they'll impact you, him and his marriage.
You're a smart girl. You have a lot going for yourself. Don't get mixed up in the middle of a soap opera. If he cheats on her (emotionally or physically), he'd cheat on you too. And besides that, if you were to have an affair with him and one day you were together on the up & up, would he ever TRUST you??? Your relationship would not be off to a good start. Do yourself a favor and walk away. He'll respect you for it and more than that, YOU'LL respect YOURSELF.

 

[Disney Doll]

OK, MPN, you asked a quesiton,a nd even though I fall into the "self-righteous B****" category, i will try to answer your question, and only your question.

I would not go anywhere that I knew this married man who is interested in me was going to be.

I am distressed by this on several levels. I will state them without being jdugemental:

1. He is married and is sharing intimate details of his marriage with you. I will not comment on whether they are true or false, because that part of it doesn't matter. What matters is that things he should be discussing with his wife he s discussing with you. That is wrong of him...note I said him.

2. I get the feeling that you are young-ish. I know it can be flattering when someone acts like they find you attractive. But I see nothing but heartache in this for you. You haven't done anything yet but talk. That will not last forever. Eventually this man will get you into a situation where he will want to take it to the next level. If you step away when it is at this level, then you will not put yourself into that situation.

3. I know you think that he is a wonderful, caring friend. But the truth is, he is displaying his true character, and you need to look closely at it. Do you wish to assciate with someone who will break, or if you would rather, stretch a vow??? Because truth be told, he made a vow to his wife whe he married her, and regardless of how he claims she is acting, it says a lot about his level of integrity that he is not totally keeping his vow. I am not tlaking about sex here, because you say you have had no physical relationship with this man. But marriage is about more than ssex...it is about intimacy, trust, and many other things, and he is not honoring these.

MPN, you have made many excuses for his behavior, because I htink you care about him. And he may very well be in the most miserably unhappy marriage known to mankind. But until he ends, cut ties with him. Let him figure out that part of his life before you involve yourself any further with him. Forget about him...I am sure you are a nice young woman who deserves better than a man who of questionable character.

 

[Lewski709]

Okay..ahhh...scream....you understand that this is not a sexual thing right???

YES. I never thought it was a current plan for YOU..but it could be his.

How immoral is it to just talk to someone? Thats all that I was asking.

I don't think THAT is immoral at all. But knowing he is married, meeting for lunches, talking intimately, etc...that's the problem.

Everyone blew it way out of proporation and started acting like I was this horrible hussy.

I agree that some did.

Someone was talking about procreating and making illegitimate babies, for god sakes!! What the hell would make you guys think that I am going around out there having kids out of wedlock??

I think we are just afraid that this communication with him may lead to a darker place. You admitted feelings and sometimes our hearts and bodies don't think clearly and before you know it..........WHAMO! Ooops. Didn't mean for that to happen. Some of us have BTDT.

I feel like why should I come back when you guys are just projecting all of these untrue things on to me anyway? You are basically treating me like I am stupid, trash. Why would you do that?

I just think we want you to realize you are creating another part of his problem, let alone making a bigger one for yourself.

 

[Lewski709]

Tomorrow, I am going to the place where he usually is, it's somewhere that I go every Sun (even before I knew him). If you were me, would you just snub him, or something?

NO, I would go and tell him point blank that you think he needs to work things out with his wife or file for a divorce, as I have said before. Then I think you should tell him if he decides to file for a divorce, to give you a call after the case is closed. He needs to sort his "stuff" out first.

I know I said that before. The fact is that he will respect you for your honesty.

 

[MELSMICE]

Wow! I knew I should have stayed off of this thread today. It has definitely started to get a lot uglier than yesterday. MPN, I am not trying to make you feel attacked, but I do think that you are getting harsh just b/c others don't agree with you. I really feel like you posted about your situation to hear somebody say that what you are doing is harmless. I don't think anyone really has been that harsh towards you. They are simply letting you know what they have learned either by witnessing it or going through it...and that is that your situation with this guy is going to end badly. Not just for you but for others as well. As far as you meeting this guy in a public place, so what? Lots of people have affairs in public places. Sugar-coat it any way you want, but you are having an emotional affair which eventually will either lead to a sexual affair or you will end up hurt or both. I am sorry you don't like to hear people when they disagree with you, but that's part of life. Not everyone is going to agree. As far as putting down Poohandwendy, I am sorry you don't like her posts, but I think a lot of what she says makes sense. I would go back and reread some of her earlier posts (before you started to feel offended by her posts) and you will see what I am talking about, hopefully. I really do wish you the best. Unfortunately, I am not going to wish you the best with a married man. If this makes you feel that I am a self-righteous, B, then so be it.

ITA!!

 

[totalia]

A relationship doesn't have to be sexual for it to be a relationship. Cheating is not just sex, it's emotional connection too.

 

[ohanafamily]

Hey all,


Minnie, at this point I think the thread has degenerated into you defending your attitude to several of us who have been on another side of it. In my previous post, I was referring to a normal relationship between adults, not an extreeme case (like Lewski listed). I have seen many reasons for divorce, including people finding someone that they would rather be with who was an adopted daughter. There are a lot of reasons nowdays for a divorce; not all are good reasons, or ones I could sleep at night using. If My DW would suddenly have an affair, it wold crush me. I would seek counselling and s a last resort get a divorce. That won't happen because I took the time to find my soul-mate.

What I'm saying is that I think the mods should close this thread; at this point it looks like you are "Trolling", and the OP has gotten her answers.

 

[C.Ann]

While reading this thread from beginning to end I have:

Made my dinner..

Eaten my dinner..

Did the dishes..

Baked a cake..

Did those dishes..

Cooled the cake...

Frosted the cake...

Eaten the cake...

And now I'm having coffee............

-------------------

Just wanted to share...

Carry on..........................................

 

[Madi100]

Ahh and thats why people keep saying that they married for good?

I want to defend the "married for good" crowd. There are some people who go into a marriage saying that I love this person. His is my dream. I couldn't ask for better. But, they also go into marriage knowing that if they decide that in ten years that the dream just flew out the window, no big deal. There's always divorce. For example, Brad and Jennifer. Yeah, I know the celebrity marriage. Not a good example. But, he has been quoted as saying that something about not being able to picture being with the same person forever. But, he still gets married knowing that he might feel in five or ten years that it's not what he wants in life. My step-mom and her family feel like divorce is definitely an option. No, you don't marry a person to get divorced, but if you are unhappy "just because" then there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting divorce. I've got an aunt who's been married five or six times. No big deal.

I am not that type of person. If I loved him enough to marry him, I love him enough to make it work. That does not include him abusing me or cheating on me and treating me like crap. I just don't believe in a casual divorce, just because life is a bit boring.

When you married you shouldn't be considering abuse and adultry, because if you are, you shouldn't be getting married.

I'm honestly not arguing with you. I just want you to understand my outlook on marriage. I'm definitely not so closed minded to think that everyone lives happily ever after. We only dream that we could live in Disney World