Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[Jenn Lynn]

No, nowhere have I ever said anything negative, or bad about this woman. This woman is not "evil". I have no bad feelings whatsoever about his wife.

Why must you lie/ What is the point in that!

I didn't say that you specifically said that. I was offering my observations to others which is why I said "seems".

And as far as not saying anything negative, I agree with Caity.

 

[WDWHound]

This is getting ridiculous. You mean by my non-action, because I'm not doing anything!

What we are trying to get you to see is that be just listening to him, talking to him, not chewing him out when he makes overtures to him, you are doing something. You are letting him expirement outside his marriage, even if you don';tever intend to let him succeed, he is investig his emotional effort outside his marriage and that is a BAD thing.

 

[Tiggeroo]

No physical contact has 'ever' gone on. What is so hard to believe about that

I don't think most people on here think physical contact has gone on. I even think it may never go on. The emotional stuff is wrong. A family and a home are private places. You should be able to do whatever you want there without other people knowing, as long as it's legal. You shouldn't have to worry about your spouse telling some other woman about how you are in bed or where you sleep or what you look like in the morning. How bout your dh telling some woman that you don't listen enough, you don't give him sex, you don't even work. That's the violation. If you confessed that there was a guy who was married and you had a one night stand with him I doubt people would be as upset. The sex is just a physical act, it's the intimacy that's the problem.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

the only reason i'm wasting my breath is because a lot more people than just mp stand to be hurt by her actions.

Yeah, I know. We all feel that way, and that is why all of us are wasting our breath to try to help...myself included. I am just saying it is apparent it is pointless, even though I am also trying to reason with her.

MPN,
I am in no way saying that anything physical has gone on...yet. The fact that you would have already slept with him if he wasn't married though makes me think that it is only a matter of time. If it was my husband you were "lending an ear" to, I would not be happy at all. The emotional aspect of this can seem a lot worse to his wife than the physical aspect would. Just something to think about.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I don't know. If he's saying stuff like, "Why can't we make each other happy?" then maybe he thinks he's further along than you do. How do you get to that point in conversation? IMO It's a huge leap from just, "lending an ear".

Why would you listen to that kind of crap if you don't intend to act on it? Even if you don't care about his wife or any repercussions of what's going on, isn't that a waste of time for both of you?

You must be getting something out of hearing him blather on about how he can make you happy. So he's begging for sex and you aren't going to give it to him. How is that a "helping" relationship?

I've quoted myself. Never done that.

But I'd really like to know.

 

[caitycaity]

This is getting ridiculous. You mean by my non-action, because I'm not doing anything!

yes you most certainly are! someone else on this post mad ethe anology of setting up a bar for an alcoholic. you are enabling him by listning to him and fantasizing about being with him, etc, etc.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Yeah, I know. We all feel that way, and that is why all of us are wasting our breath to try to help...myself included. I am just saying it is apparent it is pointless, even though I am also trying to reason with her.

MPN,
I am in no way saying that anything physical has gone on...yet. The fact that you would have already slept with him if he wasn't married though makes me think that it is only a matter of time. If it was my husband you were "lending an ear" to, I would not be happy at all. The emotional aspect of this can seem a lot worse to his wife than the physical aspect would. Just something to think about.

Yes, but we all have platonic, women friends that we share intimate details with. This isn't considered a betrayal, is it?

Do you think that I should try to spy and find out more info about his situation, through mutual friends? I may be able to do that.

I do appreciate you guys. Thanks for talking about it!

 

[caitycaity]

Do you think that I should try to spy and find out more info about his situation, through mutual friends?

why??? so if you find out his wife is cheating you can jump into his bed without a guilty conscience? what exactly would the purpose of this be?

 

[PooohBear]

wow i'm finally caught up in the this thread ! can I ask Minnie, how old you are ????

 

[poohandwendy]

LOL....aw forget it...I'll wait a few years for MP to post about how she doesn't understand what went wrong and why her man du jour is doing her wrong...then I'll be blasted for not showering her with pixie dust and hugs, instead telling her...this is what you get for shoplifting in a second hand store, what goes around comes around and all that.....

blah, blah, blah...just another justify my actions, make me feel better about making bad choices thread....

 

[pw2pp]

Do you think that I should try to spy and find out more info about his situation, through mutual friends? I may be able to do that.

What???

 

[suzannen]

This thread is like 3 or 4 threads in one and I'm not sure which I should respond to first, but all of these sad stories have touched me. I'll try without judgment to share my own stories and insights. This may be long - and I apologize to all the Pop Daddies out there.

First, to the original OP, I married very, very young at the age of 21 and after 2 years of marriage found myself in an unhappy marriage. I was so religious at the time, it literally starting making me physically sick to even think about any other option. We went to counseling, but my ex was not open to discussing any problems and after 3 sessions, refused to go any further. Within a matter of months, I went from 110 pounds to 95 pounds, was hospitalized with chest pains and breathing difficulties and my 1 1/2 year-old DD's hair fell out. When I heard her pediatrician ask if there were any problems or stress at home that would have caused my child's hair to fall out, that was the turning point. As difficult as it was, I requested a separation and then a divorce. My ex was a wonderful man and father, but a truly terrible husband TO ME - and he was very young also. Fast forward - he has now been happily re-married to another for 20 years, I have happily re-married to my soulmate for 15 years and we've been together for 22 years. My ex and I, and our spouses are still friends and my DD grew up well adjusted and happy. We all go out to dinner together and my current MIL even vacations with my ex-MIL and my ex every year. My divorce was a true blessing for all or us. It's not always the horrible thing some make it out to be.

Meanwhile, my brother has stayed in a loveless marriage for 25 years. A few months ago, after a family function and a few bottles of wine, my brother confessed to us all (and his DD, my 23 yr-old niece included) that he and his wife had had no connection in years and had not had sex in 6 years, but that they should get credit for holding it together for 25 years. My niece was so distraught, and said "Dad, you didn't do us any favors and I wished you had broken up years ago. I don't ever want to be in a relationship with anyone if this is what it is going to be." It broke my heart.

But, to the original OP and to Snow White, your marriages don't sound loveless, so I would recommend working on them through counseling and better communication. Sometimes open communication, confrontation and support can make all the difference and I wish both of you the best.

To those with the affair questions, I will not judge you. We are not in your shoes. My DH's business partner is cheating on his wife, but because I do, unfortunately, know both the personal details of his marriage both from him and his wife, I totally understand. Neither one will divorce, and they admit they don't love each other and each has chosen to select other recreation partners. Although it would not be a choice for me, I will not criticize them. But, their kids are having all sorts of physical ailments that I'm sure are stress related. I hope those of you who find yourselves in that position find either some peace or solace or else a way to end your own unhappiness without hurting others.

Meanwhile, I just came from a funeral of a 44 year-old friend from an aneurysm, am upset, and if I'm too melancholy for this thread, I apologize. But, to all of us who have wonderful marriages, don't EVER forget to let your DH or DW (and kids) know EVERYDAY how incredible they are and what they mean to your life.

 

[SnoWhite]

I guess that my post may have come off the wrong way. (Or not, I'm not sure!)
I really am not unhappy with my marriage. I just wish that we had a different level of intimacy than we do. I truly believe that I married my best friend, but I would like to think that we are also more than best friends, I'd love to act more like Husband and Wife.
We lived together for about a year before we got married, and were together for about a year before that, so we had been together about 2 years before we were married? That doesn't seem like much to me since my previous relationships were much longer. (think 6 years, 5 years, etc. with no marriage)
I love my DH, but as I said before I'm not too sure if I am "in love" with him at this point. I do believe things are getting better. There are other stressors in our lives right now including sickness, money issues, job changes, and I think that has a lot to do with it. We have very open lines of communication though and talk about everything.
We have no plans on separating at all. We just need to work harder on making our marriage that...a marriage. I really appreciate everyone's advice, well wishes and offers to help! I just wanted to clarify that I am happy, I do love him, and don't plan on doing anything other than working hard to get to the point we both want to be at! I just found it comforting to know that I'm not the only one that feels that way, even though I honestly think that my situation is a lot different than some on here since I am still very happy with my choice, and the man I married is truly wonderful!

Edited to add: I really wasn't sure about posting this here, since some people tend to be so judgemental, but thanks to everyone for listening, I truly appreciate it!

 

[minniepumpernickel]

why??? so if you find out his wife is cheating you can jump into his bed without a guilty conscience? what exactly would the purpose of this be?

Your whole point was that i would be hurting his wife, and the rest of the free world, right? So....if I wasn't hurting his wife would it be okay to continue lunch and chats?

 

[jipsy]

This thread has given me a headache...

 

[Tiggeroo]

Yes, but we all have platonic, women friends that we share intimate details with. This isn't considered a betrayal, is it?

one because they're not competition. But if you were to vent to some goodlooking younger guy who is sympathetic and saying sweet things....They have nothing to gain by knowing the bad stuff. But even still, it's wrong to tell them certain things. If my husband didn't give me flowers for valentine's day I could gripe to my girlfriends. But I really shouldn't complain to them about my sex life and let them think my dh is bad.

 

[poohandwendy]

There are other stressors in our lives right now including sickness, money issues, job changes, and I think that has a lot to do with it.

Thanks for the clarification snowhite...I think your situation will improve, especialy when there are less strssors, just keep working on making the atmosphere conducive to intimate moments and it will get better, I'm sure of it!

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Your whole point was that i would be hurting his wife, and the rest of the free world, right? So....if I wasn't hurting his wife would it be okay to continue lunch and chats?

The only person who can tell you that it is not hurting her is HER. Why don't you give her a call. Make sure you fill her in on EVERYTHING!

 

[caitycaity]

Your whole point was that i would be hurting his wife, and the rest of the free world, right? So....if I wasn't hurting his wife would it be okay to continue lunch and chats?

you know what - do whatever floats your boat. have a great weekend.

 

[poohandwendy]

Yes, but we all have platonic, women friends that we share intimate details with. This isn't considered a betrayal, is it?

LOL, if our women friends wanted to be intimate with us and were married it would be the same thing....