Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[danacara]

Telling people what to do only drives them further away. I have no desire to tell him to divorce his wife. I am not a posessive, jealous person. It's possesssive and jealous people that drive their spouses to seek out others in the first place.

Three things

1. No one drives anyone to seek out anyone else. It's all in our own minds. Greed and lust and envy and our own loneliness drive us to seek out other people. But don't ever make the mistake of thinking that one person drives another to do something - in the end, we are all alone - "the mind is its own place, and in it makes a hell of heaven, a heaven of hell."

2. SnoWhite - I give you credit for a brave post, you are living a situation that I wouldn't wish on anyone ...

3. Minniepumpernickel - you're already sleeping with him, aren't you. I can hear it in your posts.

Dana

 

[Christine]

Okay, did I miss a few posts or do I just not "know" minniepumpernickel? All I remember her saying was that she found that she "kind of liked him" despite his age?

How did this get to be an affair?

 

[snoopy]

2. SnoWhite - I give you credit for a brave post, you are living a situation that I wouldn't wish on anyone ...

Also wanted to say I totally agree with Dana on this.....you are indeed a very brave person to have posted this. I'm sorry that I did not read your post further and give more thought to offering advice. Hopefully someone else who has been in your shoes can give you some constructive feedback. Good luck to you.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

MPN,

I have really been trying to be supportive, but you don't really want advice, do you? I mean, you are arguing with every bit of it you are getting b/c it is not what you want to hear. You want somebody to say, "Oh, wow, that guy's wife is a real witch, yes, it is okay for him to have an affair." You probably will not hear that on this thread no matter how much you want to. I know you say you are not in an affair, but from everything you have said, I think you are definitely in an emotional affair. It may not be sexual yet, but make no mistake, he is working on it. And it is only a matter of time. You defend him and bash his wife. How can you bash her based on what he has told you? Do you really think a married man who is interested in another woman is going to tell you the 100% truth about his marriage. Hell, no. He is going to twist the story to make it work to his advantage. Maybe his wife isn't perfect and they aren't happy. Seems to me that he is only making things worse by starting something with you. And like I said before, all you have done is make excuses for him which makes me feel that Dana is definitely right. You are not going to take this advice and you are going to stay with this guy anyway. I wish you would prove us all wrong, but I am beginning to doubt that you will. But anyway, I am not saying that my marriage is perfect at all. We have only been married for 5 years and I can assure you that our first year of marriage was absolute HELL and I wondered why I had gotten married so young, what was I thinking. But I made a committment, as did he. We worked it out and now our marriage is stronger than ever. Do I think it will be perfect from now on? Not at all, but it takes 2 to make it work and we are committed to that. Do I think that he is so perfect that he would never look at another woman? No, but I do everything in my power to make sure the only woman he WANTS to look at is me. Also, I have been in your shoes. I have had 2 married men who needed "advice" and I was stupid enough to think that was all they wanted. Eventually their true motives became apparent. I may be young, but I knew that I had more respect for myself, and for these men's wives than to get involved with them. I cut off all ties with them and have never looked back. No regrets. I hope eventually you will do the same.

As far as the OP, wow! What can I say...your problems have begun to seem trivial to me b/c of some of the other posters on here. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find happiness soon.

Another Disguise, you aren't going to hear my opinion at all about your situation, b/c you don't want criticism and you wouldn't like what I have to say anyway.

 

[poohandwendy]

Minnie, I just want to ask you again, what is your idea of commitment? Is this good enough for you? If you are committed to someone, perhaps married someday...are you going to be ok with "I was unhappy so an affair is ok?"..."I was unhappy so I rebelled and found someone else to talk to?" ...just curious...

I know you have no responsibility to this woman, but I have never thought it in your character, from your posts, that you had such a blase 'not my problem, ' attitude. You seem to think you know what his spouse has done based on your conversations with him.

Surely you know there are 2 sides to every story and that he does have alot to gain from you by painting himself as the sad, lonely man with a wife who doesn't care...right?

I understand you defending yourself, but I really, truly, sincerely hope you consider the repercussions in something like this. They are far reaching. I guess I just never pegged you as someone who wouldn't care about your affect on a family like that. If he wants to do something like this he will, but you don't need to be a party in it...

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Minnie, would you be interested in this man if he wasn't married? Really think about that. What makes him so attractive and alluring? Is it the fact that he is married and should be "off limits" or that his physical attraction to you is so flattering and exciting? What would you say to a good friend that was facing your situation?

In one of your replies you mentioned that you are surprised that he is interested in you because you are such a "feminist and are so opinionated". Girl, you have allowed this loser to "get inside your head". It's time to take out the trash!!!

I'm out of this thread after this... I CAN'T stand to see women putting themselves in such situations and expecting so little for themselves.

Good luck to you!

If he wasn't married I would be having sexual relations with him right now! Sorry to be so blunt, you guys are giving me a complex.

Yes, I am very opinionated, strong and independent. I really don't need anybody. I would never take any abuse from anyone. I don't feel like I'm in an abusive situation. It doesn't seem as bad to me as what you all are saying. I do what I want, come and go as I please. I've been in relationships with women. Honestly, I hardly ever have fights in real life and don't have any enemies.

Oh well.....maybe I should give up while I'm way behind.....

 

[WDWHound]

Okay, did I miss a few posts or do I just not "know" minniepumpernickel? All I remember her saying was that she found that she "kind of liked him" despite his age?

How did this get to be an affair?

Read about the the sorts of things he is telling her, the emotions he is sharing with her. An affair does not have to be sexual. The man is cheating by being emotionally intimate with another women. I know Minnie is not seeing it that way and that she would never be an intentional part of such a thing, but that I would bet good money that is what is happening.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

If he wasn't married I would be having sexual relations with him right now! Sorry to be so blunt, you guys are giving me a complex.

Yes, I am very opinionated, strong and independent. I really don't need anybody. I would never take any abuse from anyone. I don't feel like I'm in an abusive situation. It doesn't seem as bad to me as what you all are saying. I do what I want, come and go as I please. I've been in relationships with women. Honestly, I hardly ever have fights in real life and don't have any enemies.

Oh well.....maybe I should give up while I'm way behind.....

Well, this pretty much sums up for me why you find a married man appealing. You can come and go as you please with no worry of commitment.

 

[Christine]

Read about the the sorts of things he is telling her, the emotions he is sharing with her. An affair does not have to be sexual. The man is cheating be being emotionally intimate with another women. I know Minnie is not seeing it that way and that she would never be an intentional part of such a thing, but that I would bet good money that is what is happening.

Oh, I had no doubt that the guy wants her but I guess I didn't see the harm in her being friendly with him and not progressing it to more than a free lunch or something.

 

[poohandwendy]

From almost the beginning of our marriage I have felt like we were more "roommates" than Husband and Wife. I do love him, he does love me, and we are best friends. I sometimes wonder if we should have remained best friends, and not gotten married. We have lost the intimacy that we had in the beginning of our relationship, and we are still basically newlyweds. (It's been like this since almost the very start of the marriage) I have no plans on getting a divorce. I love him very much. I don't know if I am "In love" with him right now, nor do I know if he is "in love" with me, although he says he is. Those are two very different things. I love a lot of people, my friends, my family, etc. But being "In love" is different. I know that I CAN and WILL fall "in love" with him again, and we are working on it. I can't imagine my life without him, but as many of you have said, I really do feel like we have more of a "roommate, best friend" relationship. That is not a BAD thing, but I crave more of the intimacy that I think should come with being Husband and Wife

Snow white,

Just wanted to tell you that what you are feeling is very common after the 'just got married dust' settles. Truly, you are now at the point where you decide how your marriage will be. I wish you well in that quest. Keep talking to each other and make time for romance. Get creative maybe? I think what you feel is not at all uncommon in newly married couples. Can I ask, how long were you dating, planning the wedding and did you live together before the marriage?

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Oh, I had no doubt that the guy wants her but I guess I didn't see the harm in her being friendly with him and not progressing it to more than a free lunch or something.

Yes, actually the place where we run into each other, has one of my friends working at the counter. So I go into see her. She is always around too. The lunches just started recently, but no physical contact was going on. The phone calls have been going on since about Christmas.

I feel like Eliza Doolittle in Pygmalian , 'I'm a good girl I am"!!!

 

[WDWHound]

Oh, I had no doubt that the guy wants her but I guess I didn't see the harm in her being friendly with him and not progressing it to more than a free lunch or something.

The harm is that she is allowing him to cheat. Again, if his wife knew and approved that would be different, but she doesn't. You just don't do this in a marraige.

Also, if "wants her", than continuing the relationship is only encouraging this, giving the man more reason to become invested in this new relationship.

This is a bad situation and it needs to stop.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Well, this pretty much sums up for me why you find a married man appealing. You can come and go as you please with no worry of commitment.

So, can you tell me why I found that single woman appealing too? No, just kidding. I just meant that I would never be under someone elses control. I would never let someone dominate, or tell me what to do.

 

[hockey mom]

MPN- the sad truth is that if you were to come across another married man you would hear the exact same sob story you are being fed now. What do you expect a married, cheating man to say " I am very happen at home, great family, great wife but I was hoping for a little something on the side"--NOT!

My ex had an affair that ended our marriage. I was quite surprised to learn from others just how bad our marriage was. He married his affair. One year later he cheats and leaves her. Who does she call. ME She actually was shocked to learn that he also lied about how bad their marriage was.

Do you know what hurt me the most. The fact that he humilated me by sharing personal stuff about us to a complete stranger and whoever she told.

Call me nieve but I also thought that all woman shared a personal code to where married men were off limits. Boy was I wrong.

As a side note I am very happily re married and today is my 11th anniversary.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

Oh, I had no doubt that the guy wants her but I guess I didn't see the harm in her being friendly with him and not progressing it to more than a free lunch or something.

I definitely feel she is having an affair b/c of the way she defends everything he does. She knows what he is doing is wrong, and still makes excuses for him. I guess that is why I feel that she is emotionally invested now.

 

[WDWHound]

Yes, actually the place where we run into each other, has one of my friends working at the counter. So I go into see her. She is always around too. The lunches just started recently, but no physical contact was going on. The phone calls have been going on since about Christmas.

I feel like Eliza Doolittle in Pygmalian , 'I'm a good girl I am"!!!

Answer me one question Would his wife approve? If you were in her shoes, would you approve? Unless the answer to both questions is yes, you are having an affair.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Answer me one question Would his wife approve? If you were in her shoes, would you approve?

I have no way of knowing that? he has stated that he thinks that she has turned to other men. No one seems to believe this.


If I were in her shoes? I couldn't live in an uncaring, celibate marriage. He said that the only thing that she would miss is his income, cause she does not work.

 

[caitycaity]

I guess I just never pegged you as someone who wouldn't care about your affect on a family like that.

i can tell you now, if i was this man's daughter and i read what you just posted about sleeping with him if he wasn't married i would be SO ANGRY. you are seriously going to end up causing other people a lot of pain.

Call me nieve but I also thought that all woman shared a personal code to where married men were off limits. Boy was I wrong.

this is something i think we all would like to think, but i know enough people who have been cheated on to know that sadly it's not true.

snowhite - feel free to pm me. the first year of marriage was really hard for me and dh. eventhough we had lived together for a year before getting married, there were times when i would seriously question if getting married was the right thing to have done. fortunately, dh and i were able to work through our problems, and our relationship is so much stronger and better now (to all the naysayers, i am not saying my relationship is perfect ). if you are both willing to work together, things can improve. i really believe that marriage has helped me to become a better person.

 

[caitycaity]

he has stated that he thinks that she has turned to other men. No one seems to believe this.

since we are bing so blunt here on this thread.... haven't you been in the situation where a guy was just trying to get in your pants before? where he was telling you things you knew were lies and the reason why he was telling them to you was obvious? why is it so hard to believe that he could be making things up?

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Hockey mom- Your post really hit the nail on the head. I am so not the type of person to stab another woman in the back. I have never been competetive about getting men. Thats why I think that I posted this on here, cause I never really saw myself as an "other woman" type. This whole thing is so weird for me.