Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[minniepumpernickel]

Sad. Why doesn't he just be her friend.

They apparantly sleep in seperate rooms and the kid is in college so it is easier for them to financially stay togethor. So, I've heard.

 

[Charade]

You sound like you are just really worried about your spouse doing the same thing? Look to the spouses, not the women they seek out!

If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. Doesn't change anything.

I told the man (I actually know him) that captured my wifes fancy that he was just as much to blame because he had the power to refuse her advances. It might not have changed things between my wife and I but I'll never know. It might have opened our eyes up that we needed help and could have possible rescued our marriage. But I'll never know.

 

[snoopy]

They apparantly sleep in seperate rooms and the kid is in college so it is easier for them to financially stay togethor. So, I've heard.

Honey, call that cute doctor up tonight and make some arrangements to see him. I don't care how rocky things are with him, he's got to be better than this loser.

And yes, he is a loser. Any man that would first of all reveal those sort of very PRIVATE details regarding his wife is not an upstanding sort of guy. Period. Track shoes + Minnie, get 'em on, pronto.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. Doesn't change anything.

I told the man (I actually know him) that captured my wifes fancy that he was just as much to blame because he had the power to refuse her advances. It might not have changed things between my wife and I but I'll never know. It might have opened our eyes up that we needed help and could have possible rescued our marriage. But I'll never know.

You know I'm sorry that happened to you! Do you feel like you are better off now, though? Once the shock has passed?

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Honey, call that cute doctor up tonight and make some arrangements to see him. I don't care how rocky things are with him, he's got to be better than this loser.

And yes, he is a loser. Any man that would first of all reveal those sort of very PRIVATE details regarding his wife is not an upstanding sort of guy. Period. Track shoes + Minnie, get 'em on, pronto.

LOL! I'm sort of going to hibernate for an evening to just think. Maybe I'll hang out on here. Do you really think that he is that bad of a person?

 

[Charade]

You know I'm sorry that happened to you! Do you feel like you are better off now, though? Once the shock has passed?

Not really. I'm still angry.

 

[Disney Doll]

MPN, you are not understanding my posts. Make no mistake about it, if my DH were to cheat, believe me, he and he alone would be the one I would blame. We all have control over over our feelings and actions. It's a little thing called "personal responsibility". In addition to integrity, I am a big advocate of that also.

It lessens you that you are thinking, considering, dreaming about something more with this man than the emotional connection, "friendship", whatever...that you already have. He and his wife sleep in separate bedrooms??? How do you know that? Do you look in their window at night. Oh wait...this paragon of virtue and integrity, this man who is so wonderful that he would develop an emotinally intimate relationship with another woman and share private things about his wife...told you. So it must be true.

Please tell me you are smarter than to believe the lies this man is telling you to get you into bed.

 

[snoopy]

LOL! I'm sort of going to hibernate for an evening to just think. Maybe I'll hang out on here. Do you really think that he is that bad of a person?

I think he is a schmuck and a loser and totally not worthy of the sort of time and energy you are paying him.

Honestly, I'd rather my husband go out and have sex with someone than reveal intimate details of our lives together. Seriously. That is a BIG no-no, and I'm sure this poor woman would be appalled to know he has discussed with you where they sleep, that he thinks she has a BF, that they stay together for financial reasons. He's no gentleman, you deserve better!

 

[minniepumpernickel]

MPN, you are not understanding my posts. Make no mistake about it, if my DH were to cheat, believe me, he and he alone would be the one I would blame. We all have control over over our feelings and actions. It's a little thing called "personal responsibility". In addition to integrity, I am a big advocate of that also.

It lessens you that you are thinking, considering, dreaming about something more with this man than the emotional connection, "friendship", whatever...that you already have. He and his wife sleep in serparate bedrooms??? How do you know that? Do you look in their window at night. Oh wait...this paragon of virtue and integrity, this man who is so wonderful that he would develop an emotinally intimate relationship with another woman and share private things about his wife...told you. So it must be true.

Please tell me you are smarter than to believe the lies this man will tell you to get you into bed.

I'm really just an open and laid-back type of person who is willing to listen. If you cage someone up mentally, or physically it is inevitable that they are going to rebel. You can't force your spouse to 'love' you. You can't control it if someone falls out of love. Sometimes letting go, draws people even closer.

I have done nothing wrong. All I have done is leant an ear.

 

[RitaZ.]

LOL! I'm sort of going to hibernate for an evening to just think. Maybe I'll hang out on here. Do you really think that he is that bad of a person?

Minnie, would you be interested in this man if he wasn't married? Really think about that. What makes him so attractive and alluring? Is it the fact that he is married and should be "off limits" or that his physical attraction to you is so flattering and exciting? What would you say to a good friend that was facing your situation?

In one of your replies you mentioned that you are surprised that he is interested in you because you are such a "feminist and are so opinionated". Girl, you have allowed this loser to "get inside your head". It's time to take out the trash!!!

I'm out of this thread after this... I CAN'T stand to see women putting themselves in such situations and expecting so little for themselves.

Good luck to you!

 

[SnoWhite]

I have been reading this thread with interest from the beginning but haven't said anything up to this point.
I am recently married. (9 months ago)
From almost the beginning of our marriage I have felt like we were more "roommates" than Husband and Wife. I do love him, he does love me, and we are best friends. I sometimes wonder if we should have remained best friends, and not gotten married. We have lost the intimacy that we had in the beginning of our relationship, and we are still basically newlyweds. (It's been like this since almost the very start of the marriage) I have no plans on getting a divorce. I love him very much. I don't know if I am "In love" with him right now, nor do I know if he is "in love" with me, although he says he is. Those are two very different things. I love a lot of people, my friends, my family, etc. But being "In love" is different. I know that I CAN and WILL fall "in love" with him again, and we are working on it. I can't imagine my life without him, but as many of you have said, I really do feel like we have more of a "roommate, best friend" relationship. That is not a BAD thing, but I crave more of the intimacy that I think should come with being Husband and Wife.

I don't want it to sound like things are horrible. I married a wonderful man that I do love very much. We do snuggle up on the couch, hold hands, etc. but there are just some things that seem to be missing. But again, like I said, I have no plans on leaving. We are working through this because our marriage and friendship is very important to both of us. We have talked about it, are working on it, and are basically happy other than me feeling a little confused sometimes. (who doesn't right?)

This has been a very interesting thread to read. I am not going to judge anyone, I think that divorce is good for some people, I think that some people need to find solace in others, and I'm not here to say what is right or wrong for anyone other than myself. I'm just glad to know that there are others that feel the same way, even though my situation is very different from the OP's.

 

[Disney Doll]

Good luck MPN.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Well, first of all seeing a man in a totally public place isn't all that scandalous. Is talking on the phone that bad too? Let me reiterate: I did not have sexual relations"!!!! Or anything remotely close to that!

Point number two: If you are worrying about the men, why aren't you having deeper conversations with them? Why are they turning to the collective "us" for emotional support? I am not married, so I took no vows. Typical to blame the woman!!

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Typical "other woman" to blame the wife. If you are REALLY his friend tell him to GO HOME and tell his wife what he is telling you or divorce her! You are being played like a fiddle, but apparently it's what you want because your own REAL LIFE friends are telling you to run away, but you won't even listen to them. I doubt you are going to listen to anyone on a BB.

I'm sure all of "us" just make him more appealing.

 

[poohandwendy]

Point number two: If you are worrying about the men, why aren't you having deeper conversations with them? Why are they turning to the collective "us" for emotional support? I am not married, so I took no vows. Typical to blame the woman!!

LOL, we ARE blaming the man because HE is coming on to you. We are talking to you because you are the one posting and have a choice to make.

If a man were here posting, we would be saying the same to him. Stay away from married woman and work on your marriage rather than allow it to die or cheat.

There is no double standard. I feel exactly the same way about either sex doing these things.

 

[jipsy]

If you are REALLY his friend tell him to GO HOME and tell his wife what he is telling you or divorce her!

I did that. Had a married man who was hounding me to go out with him; I kept trying to be his "friend" and not hurt his feelings. I finally snapped one night when I saw him in a bar, and said "You are married. Go home to your wife."

I saw him a couple of months later. He thanked me for helping him maintain his vows. He's still married

On the other topic - wow there are a lot of unhappily married people here

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Typical "other woman" to blame the wife. If you are REALLY his friend tell him to GO HOME and tell his wife what he is telling you or divorce her! You are being played like a fiddle, but apparently it's what you want because your own REAL LIFE friends are telling you to run away, but you won't even listen to them. I doubt you are going to listen to anyone on a BB.

I'm sure all of "us" just make him more appealing.

Telling people what to do only drives them further away. I have no desire to tell him to divorce his wife. I am not a posessive, jealous person. It's possesssive and jealous people that drive their spouses to seek out others in the first place.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I did that. Had a married man who was hounding me to go out with him; I kept trying to be his "friend" and not hurt his feelings. I finally snapped one night when I saw him in a bar, and said "You are married. Go home to your wife."

I saw him a couple of months later. He thanked me for helping him maintain his vows. He's still married

On the other topic - wow there are a lot of unhappily married people here

Good for you!

 

[WDWHound]

I'm really just an open and laid-back type of person who is willing to listen. If you cage someone up mentally, or physically it is inevitable that they are going to rebel. You can't force your spouse to 'love' you. You can't control it if someone falls out of love. Sometimes letting go, draws people even closer.

I have done nothing wrong. All I have done is leant an ear.

We have talked in many threads over the years, so hopefully you know I respect you. Please bear that in mind as you read this post because I am going to us some strong words.

You are not just lending an ear. You are having and affair with a married man, plain and simple. An affair does not require sex. In fact, the most damage done by an affair is done by shared emotional intimacy. There was once a thread on the DIS which asked women which would hurt them more, if their husband cheated emotionally or physically. The overwhelming answer was that emotional cheating would be more painful. That is what you are taking part in.

You are having deep, emotion conversations with a married man behing his wife's back. If she knew and saw you as close firends, it would be different, but that is not the case. It doesn't matter who is at fault. It doesn't matter if she is the worst wife in the world. He is married to her and until he gets a divorce, you have no place having the relationship you have with him.

You are having an affair. I know you don't intend to, but that is what you are doing. Stop it. Stop it now. If you continue, you will cause pain to his wife, him and yourself, more pain than you know. There is no other possible outcome, even if sex is never involved. Its not a maybe or a possibly. The road you are on has only one end and you do not want to go there.

Their marriage may be spinning apart, but don't allow yourself to play a part in its destruction. You don't want to be a part of so many tears, so much pain. Walk away now and don't look back.

 

[snoopy]

I did that. Had a married man who was hounding me to go out with him; I kept trying to be his "friend" and not hurt his feelings. I finally snapped one night when I saw him in a bar, and said "You are married. Go home to your wife."

I saw him a couple of months later. He thanked me for helping him maintain his vows. He's still married

On the other topic - wow there are a lot of unhappily married people here

Good for you.

I cannot stand when people tell me the intimate details of their marriage. It feels so invasive to me. My own brother tried doing this to me a couple of months ago, arrived at my doorstep in the middle of the night, crying that his wife doesn't pay enough attention to him, that they aren't having as much sex anymore because their 4 babies under 5 years old are taking up too much time, waah, waah, waah. I threw him out, told him to go be a grown up and work it out with his wife. I took a lot of flak for that from other members of my family, but I still feel like I did the right thing. Don't discuss with me an intimate problem you have with your spouse -- go talk to your wife, or a psychiatrist, don't burden me with it, what the hell am I supposed to do about it anyway? Of course I would be there for a friend if she/he needs a shoulder to cry on, but save the intimate details for the person you are in the relationship with.

So needless to say I'd have VERY little patience for a guy like minnie's friend.....

 

[snoopy]

We have talked in many threads over the years, so hopefully you know I respect you. Please bear that in mind as you read this post because I am going to us some strong words.

You are not just lending an ear. You are having and affair with a married man, plain and simple. An affair does not require sex. In fact, the most damage done by an affair is done by shared emotional intimacy. There was once a thread on the DIS which asked women which would hurt them more, if their husband cheated emotionally or physically. The overwhelming answer was that emotional cheating would be more painful. That is what you are taking part in.

You are having deep, emotion conversations with a married man behing his wife's back. If she knew and saw you as close firends, it would be different, but that is not the case. It doesn't matter who is at fault. It doesn't matter if she is the worst wife in the world. He is married to her and until he gets a divorce, you have no place having the relationship you have with him.

You are having an affair. I know you don't intend to, but that is what you are doing. Stop it. Stop it now. If you continue, you will cause pain to his wife, him and yourself, more pain than you know. There is no other possible outcome, even if sex is never involved.

Their marriage may be spinning apart, but don't allow yourself to play a part in its destruction. You don't want to be a part of so many tears, so much pain. Walk away and don't look back.

Wow....that is really powerful advice, and so true when you think of it.

Listen to hound Minnie....don't mess your life up over this guy, and possibly other people's lives too.

Have a good weekend all.