Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[clutter]

If you are living in a dead marriage, you are not doing your children any favors. If you think they cannot feel the lack of intimacy between you and their father, you are way wrong.



Amen to that. You are describing my parents, married 55 years. They had nothing in common, weren't really friends or lovers growing up. Of all the kids, I was definately affected the most. I am a single parent, and will likely stay that way. I really don't think I could be in an intimate, emotionally rich relationship, since I've never experienced one before (my parents were also emotionallly distant from us kids). I can provide one for my child, but I really cannot stand the thought of someone invading my emotional space. I know that a lot of this comes from the environment I grew up in. Maybe because I was the one that wanted to, and failed to, fix it, it affected me more.

Really, you're not doing your children a favor. I agree that unhappiness is not a reason for divorce, but if you are going to stay together, you owe it to your kids to do everything possible to bring some joy back into your life, and into your relationship.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have regrets that I didn't try harder to keep my first marriage going.

This is what I am afraid of that my SO feel regarding his ex wife. I feel that he regrets getting a divorce from his first wife and it makes me feel that I am not good enough. I want him to love me with everything he has and I don't want to be considered second best, and that is what I feel like with his regrets...that I am second best.

 

[DWhittles]

Something else to think about....I have quite a few friends who's parents divorced after they were grown. It was very, very hard on them. I wouldn't assume that you're sparing your children a lot of anguish by waiting until they are older.

I agree with this. My parents divorced when I was in my 20s. According to them they weren't happy for about 12 years of their 30 year marriage.
I'm in the process of learning to do what is right for me and to put myself first and it's not easy but in order to be a happy healthy person, it's what you have to do.
Diana

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I'd rather talk about this kind of stuff, than the political stuff on here.

I'm wondering if a lot of marriages just kind of get like this over the years? I have talked to a lot of people in RL where after ten years or so, the flame just kind of burns out! I always gently suggest counseling too.

I don't know what to think? I'm the kind of person that stays in long term serial relationships, I'm a little bit marriage phobic. It seems like a lot of married mid-lifers (men) are out there looking for younger women. Thats kind of discouraging because I wonder what is going on in society that they aren't happy in the marriage?

Atleast you are expressing your feelings, and that is a good thing. Maybe we can all have a mature, interesting discussion about this!

 

[Teejay32]

Been there, sort of, though I would never use the term "unhappy marriage". Underneath it all is liking being together and believing that we have something worth holding on to. When stuff keeps getting in the way of that, I'm unhappy, he's unhappy...things have to be dealt with and fixed, and most times they can be. It's a combination of settling some, compromising some, and making sincere efforts to change something or other. Right now it's working.

But we also figured out a long time ago that living under the same roof is never going to be easy, and we've tried living separately but that doesn't quite work either...I always thought that if it were really meant to be, this problem would not exist. Someone said "There are too many differences and too much anger and I am tired of fighting to make it work anymore. I am just so tired....." whoa, have I been there, many times. And I'm all done with that. Staying married is not worth that, because I care about him and us too much to let it turn into something we have to suffer through. If that makes any sense. So separation and/or divorce are still options, just not on the table right now.

 

[mallcat]

DH and I have been married 10 years. Not the first marriage for either of us. I have learned that marriage takes on many stages. The first is the passionate stage, the second is the building the relationship stage, the third is the settled down, mature and comfortable stage. You love each other through each stage, but sometimes that love takes different forms. There will always be days where you "can't stand the sight" of your spouse or little daily things creep in and make life seem dull and mundane. But, through it all, there still has to be respect for one another. My second marriage is vastly different from my first. My first marriage was rockets and fireworks. But I found that type of relationship fizzles after the excitement is gone. My DH and I have a more mature, loving relationship in our marriage. I can't really explain it, but it is deeper than surface love. Hope this is making sense.

I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family.

 

[Crankyshank]

I'll go ahead and tell you a little about my situation. Nowadays, I feel totally disinterested in my marriage. I feel withdrawn and bored. But, we've had so much to deal with lately and I think these things are affecting our marriage. We've had layoffs, money problems, illness, family issues, you name it. My DH is down and rightly so and this affects my attitude. In turn, I tend to anger too easily and of course, he is affected by that. Stress and worry on a continuous basis stinks.

That's exactly my problem.DH and I have been together for 7yrs. The past couple of years have been incredibly stressful because of the reasons you described and it's affecting our relationship. I'm a huge stress case by nature and he wants to hang out and be affectionate by snuggling on the couch and watching tv, and I just am not in the mood because I'm so wound up. Stress and worry are affecting my attitude towards myself and in turn affects my relationship with DH.

For me, this too shall pass. The important thing for me and DH is to remember we love each other and to try and make time for each other.

 

[Alice28]

There's a book out there that I read (and then DH read) when we were having some problems called His Needs, Her Needs . I do not remember the author, but it really had some great insight on the different things men and women need out of their partner to make a marriage keep working.

 

[Kitty 34]

My girlfriend and I just got off the phone awhile ago. What's interesting is we totally discussed things that have been well said here in this thread from the OP to the last one posting.

My friend and I have both been married for years; we both are menopausal (I won't get into all those details ); we both have children in their 20's; we both have a son graduating this year and we both are experiencing empty nest syndrome.

To be honest with all of you, our biggest concern with the empty nest is......living in it with just our husbands. We have been SO busy raising kids, cleaning house, running to sporting events, going on family vacation, etc etc and too soon that will come to an end.

I am experiencing feelings very similar to the OP but I'm going to give it some time and hope maybe it's just mixed feelings because SO many other things are changing in my life, mentally and physically.

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}} 'cuz I know you need it right now.

 

[Mom2Ashli]

There's a book out there that I read (and then DH read) when we were having some problems called His Needs, Her Needs . I do not remember the author, but it really had some great insight on the different things men and women need out of their partner to make a marriage keep working.

The book is by Willard F. Jr. Hartley. He has 3 types of books out.

 

[momof2inPA]

Not saying that this applies to anyone here, but I find some women spend their entire married lives dreaming about some heart throb they had before they were married or fantasizing about what life would be like with that cute guy they flirt with at the office. In reality, it would probably no better or worse, and all that time you could have spent making an effort to create happiness in the marriage has been lost. Sometimes, as mushy women, I think our fantasies get the best of us.

-- P.S. I love my husband. He's my best friend and cracks me up like no one else can, except maybe Jon Stewart.

 

[missypie]

I just have to post because I bet half of you think I was the OP.

 

[dawn2]

To be honest with all of you, our biggest concern with the empty nest is......living in it with just our husbands. We have been SO busy raising kids, cleaning house, running to sporting events, going on family vacation, etc etc and too soon that will come to an end.

That is what scares me the most. Honestly, right now I am so busy raising my children I don't have too much time to mourn what is lacking for me in the marriage. I simply put it on the back burner and conentrate on the tasks of daily life. When the kids are gone I don't know what I will do. It will be just me and DH and we have nothing in common. Furthermore, I really don't enjoy being around him and have no desire to vacation or do much of anything if it is just the 2 of us. At that point, I am going to be hit sqaure in the face with the fact that my marriage is dead and I have been living a lie for my entire adult life. That sucks. I don't know what will happen at that point but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

[Rajah]

Wow. Other than the issue with the kids, I could have written that. I am in such a "dead marriage" state that I feel I had more contact and affection out of my roommates in college than I do my husband. And I don't know what to do about it. In my case, I've tried talking to him. Over and over and over and over and over.... No response. I've tried talking to people, but I *know* what my feelings are, I *know* what would fix it, I *know* what I need and what I'd be willing to do... in my case, he's become like he's just drifting through life and is totally unresponsive to anything. For the moment, I'm taking the "This too shall pass" attitude, but if things don't improve in a few years (when I finish my Masters), I may leave. People say it's worth fighting for your marriage -- well let me tell you, the fighting only works when you're *both* willing to try.

In the meantime, I've given up on waiting on him. I do what I enjoy doing with my friends and mom, and he's invited if he ever wants to join us, but if not, oh well. Ever since I gave up trying to *force* him to have fun with us, I've been happier in general.

You might try something similar. Take on some hobbies you enjoy, find some friends you can do things with. And do try talking to him. Men are dense (in general) when it comes to feelings. Make sure he knows in no undertain terms how you feel. Only when he knows and doesn't do anything about it can you say there really is a problem. (IMHO, anyway)

Good luck.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Quote:
___________________________________________________
If you were to ask your husband you would probably find out that he loves you very much. He just doesn't realize that you are not hearing it. Sometimes men think that just being with their wives and being a good husband says it all.
___________________________________________________

This can be sooooo true!!! I do not know if this is what is affecting the OP's marriage, but I know it has affected mine. Many men just simply are not able to communicate 'feelings'. My DH comes from a household where his father is a very very strong 'macho' type authoritarian figure... Everyone around him has to bow down to him. He is always the dominant male. There is simply NO room for anyone elses feelings or opinions. His wife (DH's mother) is the submissive stay-at-home wife who serves him like Edith did Archie Bunker....

I should call this the 'Archie Bunker Syndrome...." SAD!!!

So, how do you share feelings and communicate your needs to somebody like this??? It is VERY VERY difficult. ( If this is the case for the OP , it might be a situation where counseling could help???)

One time I finally just had a 'pointed' discussion with my DH about all of this. Like the one poster said. with men, most of the time it takes a very simple, strong, and direct, approach. (Many men can be emotionally immature and become very defensive....) He did immediately say how much he loves me and our DS!!! I said, "Then why do we not 'know' this????"

Guess what.... My DH bought up the very 'male' points of how seriously he takes supporting us financially, etc... ( Putting in a lot of time working, etc.....)

I thought, "Well GREAT!!! What the heck are DS and I, the loves of DH's life, or a freaking liability/responsibility!!!!!!"

So, yes, I found out thru personal experience that the comments from the previous post that I quoted above are VERY true!!!!

I was then VERY direct with DH... I told him 'Look, we do not 'know' and 'feel' that you love us because you - "concerned about supporting us"... Or because of.... 'example'.... 'example'....

I told him that we would feel that he loved us if he showed that he cares about how we feel... Chose to spend more enjoyable time with us... etc... (almost impossible for some men, I know! LOL!!!!!)

I told him very simply and openly that I really was not sure that he know HOW to love somebody or to show his love, as he had never seen his father do it!!!!

Of course, my DH continues to be 'a male of the species'... LOL!!!! But this conversation helped!


Ohhhhh, on this same topic... The book, 'Men are from Mars....' I flipped through this book, and I found it to be very self-serving to the MEN!!!! Yes, there are important differences about the way men and women feel and think and process things in our lives. But, I found many many instances in the book where the advice and information offered to woman left them in a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't type of situation.
Example: Men want to be 'in charge'... so never give orders to your man.... followed by the advice that men need direct and simple directives to meet your expectations... Which, I would consider to be 'orders'!!! I would re-name this book, Men are from Planet Moron... LOL!!!!!

 

[chobie]

Wow. Other than the issue with the kids, I could have written that. I am in such a "dead marriage" state that I feel I had more contact and affection out of my roommates in college than I do my husband. And I don't know what to do about it. In my case, I've tried talking to him. Over and over and over and over and over.... No response. I've tried talking to people, but I *know* what my feelings are, I *know* what would fix it, I *know* what I need and what I'd be willing to do... in my case, he's become like he's just drifting through life and is totally unresponsive to anything. For the moment, I'm taking the "This too shall pass" attitude, but if things don't improve in a few years (when I finish my Masters), I may leave. People say it's worth fighting for your marriage -- well let me tell you, the fighting only works when you're *both* willing to try.

In the meantime, I've given up on waiting on him. I do what I enjoy doing with my friends and mom, and he's invited if he ever wants to join us, but if not, oh well. Ever since I gave up trying to *force* him to have fun with us, I've been happier in general.

You might try something similar. Take on some hobbies you enjoy, find some friends you can do things with. And do try talking to him. Men are dense (in general) when it comes to feelings. Make sure he knows in no undertain terms how you feel. Only when he knows and doesn't do anything about it can you say there really is a problem. (IMHO, anyway)

Good luck.

Well said. This is very much how I feel. I have kids, so for now I'm sticking it out. However I am taking steps to make myself financially independent, so I will have options at least. My husband is a nice guy and a good father, he is just not a good husband. Basically I have always been last on his agenda, always. He never listens to me. 17 years of togetherness and he still does not know or understand basic things about me. When we have gone through hard times (unemployment etc. )he emotionally abandoned me and made me deal with all the problems.

Every once in a while he pays lip service to wanting to go to counseling or make things better but he never follows through. So we lead separate lives for the most part. The only thing we do together as a family is go on vacations but most of that time we split up and he takes one kid and I take the other.

This is not about wanting a perfect relationship. I am not a romantic in any sense. I'm a pragmatic down-to earth person. I don't live in a fantasy world about being rescued by a knight in shining armor nor can I lie myself that if I just throw all my energy into being the perfect spouse he will become better. I did that for years, now he still expects me to be that way without improving himself.

I need to throw myself into my life and my kids life.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I'm kind of looking at one of these situations from the outside. I have been befriending a married man who claims to be in a loveless celibate marriage. He is 52 and their son is 20 and in college. We just started seeing each other around in strictly, social situations. I gave him my phone number so he talk to me because he asked for it.

I have grown to be really fond of this person, and I look forward to seeing him in our "social situation" once a week. He recently confessed to me that I have made him have feelings that he hasn't had in years. The weird thing is, is despite our age differences, I am kind of attracted to him. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not a man-stealer, and I would never think of doing anything with him while he is with her.

I do feel guilty just for having really deep discussions with him. He just asked me to go to lunch and calls atleast once a week. I wanted to confess this, even if no one reads it , cause it's started to weigh on my conscience. What would you do if you were me? Break off all contact? Keep hanging out?

 

[Lewski709]

It seems like a lot of married mid-lifers (men) are out there looking for younger women. Thats kind of discouraging because I wonder what is going on in society that they aren't happy in the marriage?

In my situation, it's SEX! He wants it all the time, I could really care a less.

 

[Lewski709]

My husband is a nice guy and a good father, he is just not a good husband.

he still does not know or understand basic things about me.

Is his name BILL?

 

[minniepumpernickel]

In my situation, it's SEX! He wants it all the time, I could really care a less.

This is probably a really dumb question, but would a 52 yr. old man want sex all of the time?