Do your parents know...do you know?

[Chipmunk89]

I never got spanked as a child. All my parents had to do was give "the look" and I knew I better straighten up.

Once my mother slapped me across my face. Am I traumatized? No. Did I deserve it? Absolutely!

 

[Papa Deuce]

Interesting.

As a child I was smacked, hit with a belt, and once even kicked ( kind of by accident ), and I came out fairly normal. ( I think )

I have NEVER spanked, smacked, beat either of my kids, and they are absolutely impeccably behaved. Scary good. And, right now, even though they are only 8, I can't imagine ever not having a FABULOUS relationship with them.

My father is dead, He wasn't the spanker, really. My mom was.

Today, I have a very strained relationship with my mom. I think it is just because she has become more in your face with her opinions, and just generally cranky, but who knows?

 

[NJFabFour]

I never got spanked as a child. All my parents had to do was give "the look" and I knew I better straighten up.

Once my mother slapped me across my face. Am I traumatized? No. Did I deserve it? Absolutely!

I used to get "smacked in the mouth" for back-talking. Never in a trillion years would I ever dream of doing such a thing to my own children! Am I traumatized? No, I would agree with this pp and say that I am not, BUT I would also say that children don't deserve to be smacked. I truly believe what my I learned as an adult . . . that a physical form of discipline is only reflecting a lack of control by the disciplinarian and not actually effectively reducing the behavior you are trying to eliminate. Have I had my own moments lacking control? Absolutely! But not in the form of aggression (though DD gets incredibly upset if I raise my voice in public . . . funny how her having a tantrum/"hissy-fit" in public is of no concern, but her mother raising her voice is the end of the world! LOL!).
My goal in disciplining the kids has been for them to feel that our disappointment in their choices/behavior is enough of a deterrant . . . at 11 y.o., I think we've thus far been fairly successful in this approach. Whether or not it will carry us through the next 7 - 8 years, time will tell!

 

[Chipmunk89]

well, my smack was well deserved. I was about 16. We were agruing about something (don't even remember what). And I yelled at her to "shut up and leave me alone." Absolutely deserved that for speaking to my mom that way. I'm 38 now and I still feel bad about mybehavior that day.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Lo I'm going to go ahead and open up the floor to include others...grandparents (after reading the horrendous thread about the whacked out grandma and the kid cutting her hair), aunts/uncles/cousins, siblings.

.

In my previous post I talked some about my aunt and how I have not been able to "get over" how she treated me and have a good relationship with her now that I am grown. The key difference for me is that I never felt (as I do/did with my parents) that she really loved me and was not intentionally doing harm and was just "doing the best she could" or even "doing what she knew." I honestly felt then and feel now that she was in in emotional pain (from her divorce) and chose to take it out on a convienient target (me).

As a parent it can be really hard figuring out how to work with extended family being unfair or wrong. Often kids take their cues about how to feel about a situation from teh parents--but not always. It is tough to feel your kids out without giving them the impression they should feel badly if htey don't already. We have ended up deciding we do not visit my in laws (without officially saying this to them or the kids only DH and I spoke of this) but instead they only visit us. This is because DFiL seems to be fine around both my children on our "turf" but he makes comments and leaves my son out of activites (very intentioanlly like inviting every grandkid but one along to Lake Powell for the week) regulrarly in his neck of the woods. We really think he is embarrassed by our son's personality around his friends. He has hinted as much. Our son did pick up on it and was very upset by it last summer. So now we see a lot less of the kids grandparents,but the time we spend with them is more pleasant for all.

ETA--what your grandfather did to your sister was terrible. That was a very intentional act. I would think if your sister did "extend closure to him" he would have to make the first move and apologize (maybe not--maybe your sister is a saint). Amazing how we can have such different relationships with people as our siblings, eh? My DD absolutely adores her grandfather (like you and yours), which is one of the reasons we have to work something out to spend time with him even though he can be thoughtless (at beast) when it comes to my son. It getts really tricky trying to help both kids when they need different things.

 

[jwhtewolfd]

She once said "I would have had such a good life if I hadn't had you." And now she wonders why I haven't forgotten that.

I have to agree, this is brutal.

About the trauma they caused you as a child or the trauma you may be causing your children? I was looking at the "Do you spank/have you been spanked" thread and it got me thinking. ...So, do you harbor any resentment from the past be it over spankings, something they said/didn't say, promises broken etc? Do your parents know how you feel now?

If you have kids, do you ever worry about leaving that lasting negative impression on the kiddos?

I was just reading that thread, and started to respond, but ended up with a really long, involved thing, so I opted not to post. Thanks for opening this up.

Holding grudges does not do any good, it just hurts people further.

I don't think it's about holding grudges. Normal discipline makes sense once you are grown and realize you were doing something wrong or being a brat. Some things extend beyond normal discipline. It's not about "one time you did this one thing to me" for many people.

Just tonight I was commenting on how beautiful her room was clean and that I could dance around and do ballet. She took one look at me dancing and responded "Ummm, no you can't." Good thing I have decent self-esteem. She's getting quite witty.

Now that's my kind of kid!

To answer:
My younger brother and I were spanked, sometimes with a belt, and, yes, somtimes in anger. My brother more than me. It didn't seem to make any difference for him. My older family (grandmother and aunt) say they don't understand why my parents gave me such a hard time and that I was really good kid. I was always honor roll and good conduct in school and got yelled at nightly to STOP READING and go to sleep.

My dad had undiagnosed depression. When his car pulled in from work (always late) we'd run to our rooms so we didn't have to talk to him. Nothing I did was ever right or good enough. If he did give any praise it was b/c mom elbowed him and made him say "oh, good job." I was very shy, introverted and soft spoken, and he couldn't stand that. I sat through many 2, 3 and even 4 hour lectures (he was BIG on lectures, mostly yelling at me about why I didn't have any friends or a boyfriend). It was demeaning and I had NO self-esteem.

Dad worked late and mom worked evenings, so we were with babysitters, and then when I was older, alone alot after school. Mom would put my brother in time out after school, leave for work, and he was supposed to sit there for hours until my dad got home to yell at him. He would just lay down, stretch out, peek around the wall and watch tv. Then I would get yelled at b/c I didn't keep him in time out. Yelling was a huge deterrent for me, but they were clueless what to do with my brother.

My mom taught dancing school in the evenings. She always seemed to like her students more than she liked us. She never had time for us; she was always too busy being too busy. We were never close, never had the mother/daughter talks, didn't talk about shaving or periods or birds and bees (well, when I moved back during the summer in college she found some condoms in my room and did tell me to "just be careful" - when I was 20!).

There was always yelling, either at me, at my brother or mom and dad yelling at each other. There was palpable tension in the air. To this day I can't hold an "adult" conversation with my dad. There's always uncomfortable tension and it always tends toward a lecture, though these days I have enough self-esteem to cut him off at the pass. My mom and I really only talk about how annoying my dad is.

Don't get me wrong, I think they had the best of intentions. They just had no idea what they were doing. My dad is of the "the more I spend on you the more I love you" school, and is really big on the social appearance of the nice happy family. But I was an emotional wreck from about 6th grade until the age of 22.

Do they know? I'm sure they know I was troubled/depressed. They don't know I tried to commit suicide in high school. They know we have uncomfortable relationships now. When I visit (which is often, as we live across the highway from each other) it's awkward, like sitting in a room with strangers. I don't think they know that I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but I know what to look for now and try not to let it get the best of me.

Dad has tried to be more supportive, but he still doesn't "get it." He helped me financially with buying my house, which was a huge help. He says he was glad to do it b/c I graduated and am working and supporting myself. Yet he still criticizes my job (vet tech) and insists I should go back to school to be the vet. See? Own a house, have a stable job, supporting myself - not good enough. Mom I think still doesn't quite realize how distant she was. She didn't do as much damage as dad, but it was rough not having her for support either.

I have no idea how to begin to not ruin a child's life, so I will not be having any children. I'm positive I'd be much too strict, and I have enough anxiety issues without taking on a child. My aunt (my mom's sister) is doing a heck of a job with my little cousin though. They don't have a whole lot of money, but she is very supportive of her. She is SUCH a good kid, and when my aunt disciplines she explains what she did wrong, why it was wrong, and assures her that she still loves her. They have an awesome relationship.

 

[shortbun]

But they are water under the bridge now....you can't go back and change what they did right? Unless you are looking for an apology, what is the point? I'm pretty sure my parents wanted the best for us and can probably make a list of hundred ways they did things right, but the negative things stick out more.

.......

It's a tough line to walk.....

As someone who's Mother apologized and spoke lovingly for the first time in my memory just before she died-it's never 'water under the bridge' and it's never too late to make amends. It's best to actually work at being a good parent and not a careless or lazy parent. I shudder when I see people saying 'it's what my parents did and it's good enough for me'. Bringing up children requires so much more than that and your children will appreciate the thought you've put into it, believe me. When my son's friend asked him why he enjoyed spending time with us(his parents) so much, it was good to hear my son respond, "because my parents LIKE me and they ENJOY spending time with me.' The child who asked spends as much time with us as he does his parents. They are highpowered attorneys and bring home loads of money, live in a fancy house with people who cook and clean but they rarely spend time with their kids and their son truly wondered why our son liked being with us so much. Two years ago, those same parents gave us a large amt gift card to a restaurant. The card read 'thanks for taking such good care of XXX' XXX is THEIR son and we watch out for him. I have no doubt that they love their kids but they are going to be really freaked out when they realize what they've missed-all of them, kids and adults.

Btw, I didn't have to 'tell' my Mom anything about how she had failed as a parent, she knew. She brought it all up as she was dying and we had some good cries while she discussed her own parents as well. It was healing and amazing, all I could have wished for and I'm so grateful!!!
She saw how she had neglected me, hit me instead of parenting me, put herself and my father ahead of us in love and life. Now she is gone and I have her beautiful gift of love. Don't wait to pass those thing along to your children. Love them in obvious ways every day. Make them know that you enjoy them, that they matter and that they are lovable and treasured. Take the time to help them work through their difficulties instead of reaching out to control them with a slap, a swat or a scream. I know it's hard because I had no role model to follow but believe me it's rewarding and great for you as a parents. You watch your children thrive, become confident and feel safe in the world at their own pace while you encourage them-not push them-from a seat on the sidelines with them always knowing you are there for questions, help and love. I'm just sayin'

 

[ozarkmom]

Spankings didn't bother me. I think there are times when some kids may need a spanking. The guys in my office seem to think I was traumatized by my 6th birthday. I wanted a "normal" party like my friends. My dad was out at sea and my mom took me for a steak dinner. That was something that she enjoyed. My mom wasn't mean or abusive she just wasn't a real kid friendly kind of person. My brother who is 17 yrs. younger than me felt the same way growing up. She didn't want kids hanging around the house they got on her nerves. Most of the really fun things we did were when my dad was home. Do I sit and dwell on the fact that my mom took me to eat steak at 6 and didn't like having kids around the house? NO! most of my childhood was pretty normal and happy.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

My parents were/are good people who loved us very much. We were spanked (though I do not remember the spankings). I was also grounded for months at a time (trust me, I deserved it - and more - I was a tough kid to raise)

There was never a time when I felt unloved. That, IMO, is the key.

I remember a time when my oldest son, then 5, started crying for no apparent reason. He had been misbehaving, but I had not punished him - just told him to stop. When he started crying, I immediately stopped what I was doing and asked him what was wrong. He told me that I had a look on my face, when telling him to stop, that was very scary. You cannot imagine the pain that this caused me. I wanted the behavior to stop, but not out of fear.

My boys have both been spanked, but neither remembers the spankings (like me, those memories have faded). But they still tell me that I have some very "mean" facial expressions that are very scary, and I try not to make them, but it is something that I do without thinking.

You never know how you might be impacting your children...

 

[JustineMarie]

I think my mom suffers from some type of mental illness, I always have thought it, even when i was little. I tell my dad all the time that he really needs to talk to her doctor and get her medicated, but he says that is just the way she is. Anyway, I have 2 brothers, we are all adopted, and all 5 years apart. My mom got me and my oldest brother when we were a little over 4 months old, but she got my middle brother straight from the hospital. She has always favored him, and it is noticeable to everyone. She still, even now, favors his children more than my oldest brother's kids and my kids, and our kids see it.

When we were bad, or did something that she didn't think was right, she always told us that it wasn't her gene's that made us do it. She has told us numerous times that if we didn't like it (meaning whatever punishment she gave us, or the way she did things) we could feel free to go find our real mothers, you know - the one who gave you up. When we would get mad at her, like all kids do at some point, she would say, "I took you in, I didn't give you up." It made me really act out as a teenager. I never thought she loved us like she would have loved her biological kids.

I have 2 daughters and I can tell you I never ever would talk to them that way. I am strict with my girls but they know they are loved. I tell them everyday and show them everyday. I never want them to feel like they are unwanted. So I would guess that my mom's bad parenting has made me a better mom.

 

[MushyMushy]

Spankings are barely a blip on the radar from my childhood. The ones that really stick out in my mind are the ones where my mother was in a fury, spit flying, hands windmilling furious slaps all over my head and body. I think the name calling and derogatory remarks were the worst (lazy, stupid, worthless, tramp, and a few others that wouldn't be DIS friendly at all). Total lack of affection, no hugs and kisses, no loving remarks, and in fact her way of "playing" with me was downright mean -- she'd hold me down on the floor and sit on my chest (one time scaring me that I thought I'd die because I couldn't breathe), holding her hand over my mouth and nose so I couldn't breathe, giving me "Indian burns" on my arm, and other stuff. I'd always hoped I'd get some sort of deathbed apology from her, or any sign of remorse, but it didn't happen (she died Aug. 31 last year). I know it sounds really bad, but I had to force myself to tell her I loved her on one of her last days, and I squeezed her hand. It was the best I could do!

She didn't treat my sister that way. She was actually quite affectionate with her -- strict, but not abusive. So of course, I've spent most of my life wondering, "What is wrong with me???"

As for being a parent, of course I'm always second guessing myself wondering if I could have done this or that differently. ESPECIALLY having a son with a behavioral disorder. My husband and I talk all the time about wondering what we could have done differently, and we have come to the conclusion that we did the best we could with what we had to work with, and we're happy with the level of help we got for him. As for both kids, they were raised with plenty of affection, hugs, kisses, praising. Minimal spanking... I tried not to be a spanker, but sometimes it was just instinctual.

Something that's been making me wonder lately. Sometimes we all have such different perceptions of the past and what really happened. One example is, my son swears up and down that I made him walk to school in middle school, whether it was snowing, raining, or any other harsh weather and even when he was sick. I cannot convince him differently! The truth is, I wouldn't let him walk to school in the 6th grade and he begged and pleaded for me to let him do it! I remember all the days of sitting in the long line of parents picking up and dropping off their kids. The next year I cyber schooled him, and then he went back into the 8th grade halfway through the school year, so yes I let him walk then. I never "made" him.

Why on earth would he think something so incorrect? Makes you wonder how many other things a child would get wrong, or how many things we ourselves get wrong in looking back over our childhoods.

 

[NC State]

About the trauma they caused you as a child or the trauma you may be causing your children? I was looking at the "Do you spank/have you been spanked" thread and it got me thinking. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents these days (I'm in my 30's). Were you to ask them how I view them, they are likely to give you a glowing report. However, I can easily reflect back on my childhood and pull out MANY traumatic, damaging moments that affect me to this day (playing no small role in my own decision to not have children). My parents are completely unaware of how their actions affected me then and continue to do so now.

So, do you harbor any resentment from the past be it over spankings, something they said/didn't say, promises broken etc? Do your parents know how you feel now?

If you have kids, do you ever worry about leaving that lasting negative impression on the kiddos?

My mom would have a total nuclear meltdown if I ever brought it up. She would laundry list the bazillion wonderful things they did for "us kids" and deride me for focusing on the few negatives. But those negatives are doozies.

I was spanked and I'm glad...it taught me respect and rules, I feel that I'm a better person because of that. The only thing that was "tramatic" was that my parents were always late and unprepared. I'm not like that at all, I'm the first one at events or meetings and I have my "stuff" together!.

 

[ICF]

the spankings I got as a child have not in any way caused me trauma as an adult.....

 

[GeorgeG]

It's been many years, but I don't remember being spanked a lot when I was a kid. A well-deserved sway on the behind once in awhile, but that's about it. That's what my kids got, from me, but their mother (ex-wife) used to wail away at their bottoms and we had many arguments over that.

My wife says she and her sisters would sometimes get her father's belt across the behind, except for the youngest, who is now a 45 year-old brat. Her father's second wife was big on Dr. Benjamin Spock and I swear that man ruined several generations. They had four more children, now adults, who were "reasoned with" instead of ever being disciplined from day one. They are pretty screwed up today.

I think different methods work for different parent/child situation. Generally, though, a few swats on the behind shouldn't harm a young child who has misbehaved if the parents show the proper love and affection the rest of the time. Teenagers who mouth off (or worse) may need something a little more assertive. They try to be adults before they're ready to accept adult consequences. Again, this is a general observation and certainly not right for everyone. The whole thing depends on an evolution from the time they are toddlers. The proper balance of love and discipline has to begin early in life. I'm a firm believer in stay-at-home moms with fathers reinforcing things when they are home. The key to that is being home and not out clubbing.

 

[Kathi OD]

I was spanked as a child and it hasn't caused me any trauma as an adult.
There is a big difference between a spanking and a beating, which is what many people on this thread are describing.

 

[lilybrooke14]

My parents did things that hurt my feelings occasionally. They also did lots of things that made me feel very special and loved. I could choose to dwell on the times they were wrong, or I can think about how hard they worked to give me a good childhood and make me a good person. Have I messed up with my own kid sometimes? Absolutely. I've gotten annoyed when I should have been patient. I've punished when should have thought about it more, and I've given her a pass when I should have punished her. I hope though, that she looks back and thinks about the hours that I've spent singing her lullabies, and reading her stories, and pushing her on her swing set (and yes, going to Disney World) rather than dwell on the times I've been a less than perfect parent.

 

[lecach]

My Mom is always appologizing to me for my childhood. In her mind she didnt give me enough or do enough for me. What I remember is a wonderful childhood, never doing without, always being loved. Maybe a little too much leniency. And a few difficult situations with my Dad and stepdad - things involving her divorce that I didnt need to see. Like the time my soon to be stepdad was at the house and my Dad didnt like that so he cut the phone line, came in and beat up my stepdad. While I was there too. In hindsight, my stepdad turned out to be a HUGE loser but my Dad should have used some self control.

My fear is with my son. I worry that I will harm him in some way. He's very loved and told that several times a day. But I worry that when I occasionally lose my temper or dont read to him or dont play with him that he'll remember that. I cant really put into words WHY I feel that I am not a good Mom. But I do worry about it.

 

[GeorgiaPeach8]

Yes..my parents fighting really sticks out. They were young parents (18 and 20) and were raised in very rough households. I can remeber in my early childhood them really going at it. No, physical abuse but lots of yelling and throwing things. This carried on through my adult years, with less frequency. Now, it is mostly bickering. Drives me crazy. I'm only partly tramatized by this--mostly because I know my parents tried AND did do better than their parents. I know from being an educator how hard it is to break these parental patterns. This gives me a great appreciation for them Did mention it one time to mom and she had meltdown. Absolutely an off-limits subject.

The best thing is that their bickering and fighting has caused me to really put the breaks on that behavior in my own relationship. My husband and I were totally headed down the same path when we first got married. During a fight one time about two years into our marriage, my husband and I were having a pretty good fight over something stupid. He looked at me and said, "this is ridiculous, tomorrow we are still going to be married and we will have wasted all this time and energy." It was like an a light switch. I saw my husband and I, 30 years down the road bickering like my parents do...we just stopped. Now, having said that during stressful times, this behavior does flare up on us like when our twins were two and my husband took a new job.

Most important--my parents seem to have no clue how there bickering effects me or my brother's relationship with them or our own spouses! Uggghh!

 

[sbell111]

... Because of what I've experienced, I really don't know whether or not I want kids. I just hope to God that if I have them, I don't have any daughters.

I don't believe that we have to repeat the mistakes of our parents. I think that once a person has identified teh mistakes, then he/she can work hard to avoid them. Of course, we'll still make plenty of totally unrelated errors.

... Someone on this thread said they hate to hear "They did their best" in raising their children but I am exactly the opposite. I find comfort in that sentence. Because I know it's true. I know my parents did do their best and they gave all of us children the best start in life that they had the ability to give. ...

I agree with you. When parents truly do their best, there is little reason to find fault. However, too frequently, people use the 'I did my best' excuse when they truly did not. If they had truly done their best, they would have considered their actions and not made some of the mistakes that they made and if they did make those mistakes, they wouldn't have repeated them over and over.

... As for being a parent, of course I'm always second guessing myself wondering if I could have done this or that differently. ESPECIALLY having a son with a behavioral disorder. My husband and I talk all the time about wondering what we could have done differently ...

I think that by second guessing yourself and discussing options with your husband, you truly have done the best you could, which is likely very good, indeed.

 

[meandmytwogirls]

I was spanked and I'm glad...it taught me respect and rules, I feel that I'm a better person because of that.

I agree with this completely. My parents made mistakes just like I am as a parent, but I always knew beyond a shadow of a doubt they loved me regardless. I hope my kid knows this as well regardless of the mistakes each of us makes.