Do your parents know...do you know?

[Jennasis]

About the trauma they caused you as a child or the trauma you may be causing your children? I was looking at the "Do you spank/have you been spanked" thread and it got me thinking. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents these days (I'm in my 30's). Were you to ask them how I view them, they are likely to give you a glowing report. However, I can easily reflect back on my childhood and pull out MANY traumatic, damaging moments that affect me to this day (playing no small role in my own decision to not have children). My parents are completely unaware of how their actions affected me then and continue to do so now.

So, do you harbor any resentment from the past be it over spankings, something they said/didn't say, promises broken etc? Do your parents know how you feel now?

If you have kids, do you ever worry about leaving that lasting negative impression on the kiddos?

My mom would have a total nuclear meltdown if I ever brought it up. She would laundry list the bazillion wonderful things they did for "us kids" and deride me for focusing on the few negatives. But those negatives are doozies.

 

[emma'smom]

But they are water under the bridge now....you can't go back and change what they did right? Unless you are looking for an apology, what is the point? I'm pretty sure my parents wanted the best for us and can probably make a list of hundred ways they did things right, but the negative things stick out more.

For example, one time my father forgot to pick me up from girl scouts and left me standing in front of the church basement for what seemed like HOURS! I remember feeling so alone and forgotten...and couldn't understand why he wouldn't come or how he could forget me. The leader waited with me....but I never forgot.

In retrospect, as an adult, I understand that he was in the midst of a work meeting and picking me up just slipped his mind. He wasn't choosing not to pick me up on purpose just to make my life miserable.


Sure...i can think of some things that my parents did that impact the who I am now and things that I do. However, I KNOW that I do things that will impact my children (I just don't know what they are).

I think my perspective definitely changed once I had kids of my own and really can experience how hard it is to make parental decisions and how much I do worry about their impact. Am I spending too much time with them (smothering?).... not enough (neglect)? Spoiling them (saying yes too often)....not saying yes enough (too strict)?

It's a tough line to walk.....

 

[clarabelle]

yes and yes

Parenting is the hardest job I have ever done -I have made lots of mistakes -and I do worry about how it will effect my children. I have done and said things I never thought I would do.
And felt terrible about it later.

My parents were good -but "unaware"

They did not explain things to us. I never got a whole lot of guidance about school, sex etc....
They just didn't think of parenting that way. Also I never heard the words "I love you" from my parents until I was a grown up.

So I am a bit more sympathetic towards my parents than I used to be. I also hope that the fact that I am able to say "I am sorry" to my kids -when I screw up -will help in the long run.

 

[Jennasis]

It's a tough line to walk.....

Amen

 

[apirateslifeforme]

I don't remember how it came about, but one time my mother and I were talking about parenting, and I said that nobody was perfect. She actually said, in all seriousness, "What, you mean you don't think I was perfect? Thanks for that personal attack..."

She once said "I would have had such a good life if I hadn't had you." And now she wonders why I haven't forgotten that.

 

[Justanopinion]

I am 41. I have an excellent relationship with my parents.

Sure, I was traumitized, but that is in the past and they didn't do it on purpose. There are some things we discussed and got past and other things we just don't discuss. Times were different from when my parents are young and times are different now from when I was young.

Holding grudges does not do any good, it just hurts people further.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Intersting question.
DH always says it is amazing I turned out as normal as I did considering my family I took care of my parents as often as not (in so far as emotioanlly, cooking dinner, whatever). Mom is wonderful but just totally lacking in the "mother" instinct. I was pretty much left to my own devices most of the time (my parents are so lucky I was a total goodie two shoes by nature). My dad suffered from untreated depression most of my childhood. I distinctly remember it starting when I was in fourth grade. Things got better for a few years but then he got much worse and was on a downward sprial for pretty much all of my junior high and highschool days. He could be extremly critical (of looks, habits, whatever bothered him at the moment) in a very biting way when he was particularly down. He was also very anxious around people and encouraged me to go OUT and not bring friends home as much as possible (kind of the opposite of how I want my kids to be).

Both my parents bring up how badly they feel about these things pretty often--I have never brought it up to them or "blamed" them for these things. I knew then and know now they were doing the best they could and they did more good than harm and they did love me and made that very clear. I don't hold anything against them. I kow my dad sought help from docotrs more than once but in the climate of the 80s was pretty much told to "get over it."

I have not been able to forgive my aunt as easily. She moved in with us for a year when she was getting divorced. I think I was 13 at the time. She brought my cousin whom I had always been close to. I had to lie to my cousin and tell him her boyfriend was my dad's friend (he knew I was lying and we have never been close since. I will say I do not think my parents should have allowed this. I know my dad felt he had to "protect" his big sister and do what she wanted but this was really not a fair place to put a child. It is probably the biggest mistake my parents ever made). This was about a year into a the big downward spiral into depression my dad had so I did not even tell him most of what went on with my aunt and I during that year. Even as a young teen I "knew" he had all he could handle at the moment. He has recently told me it--and the following year were his worst years. I do not know if it is good I kept things to myself then (maybe it really did make a difference to my dad) or not (no kid should have had to deal with how she treated me in my own home). She (and her boyfriend) repeatedly told me it was my fault my dad was depressed. They repeatedly told me I probably wasn't really his anyway because no one related to her could be so ugly. They constantly tried to pit my cousin and I against each other. Lots of mean, bullying stuff day after day. Anyway, I have not told my parents the extent of all she did and said. They would feel so guilty for having missed that and it is not their fault nearly so much as it was hers so I don't think I need to do that to them. It wouldn't change anything now anyway. I HAVE told my children about it and that they should ALWAYS tell us if someone is treating them like that and not try to "protect" us as I tried to protect my dad.

 

[OctMtnWoods]

The spankings I received as a kid don't phase me the least now as an adult.

Its their fighting with each other (verbally & physically) bordering on domestic abuse that mess with my adult head. They still do it. I'm in my 40s.

 

[VAN]

Once I got out on my own, I found out that I had some pretty special people for parents. Were they perfect - No. Did they love me and try to be the best parent they could - Yes.

We didn't have much materially growing up, but my parents were always there (we had a family owned/operated business) ... I'm one of many kids and, still, my parents always had time to let us know how proud they were of us.

Other friends had more materially, but really didn't connect with either one or both of their parents.

I also try to be a good parent. When I make an unpopular decision, I try to let them know my reasoning so they can understand. They may not agree but at least they know how I came to my conclusion.

My parents set a good example for me and, I think, I've been able to pass that along to my kids.

Perfect? No. Just human trying to do the best I can.

 

[connorlevismom]

Yes and Yes.

I do worry all the time about what my son will think of me as a mother when he gets older. I try my best but I know that I have and will continue to do things that are "wrong".

My mother, however was NOT a good mom and I tried to talk to her about it once. Wrote her a really long letter about how her actions and words affected me and we actually had a really nice conversation about it. Well, a week later she had forgotten all about it and completely denies it ever even happened. She is one of those people who lives in another world and nothing will ever change that. In her mind, she was a fantastic mother and person and there is just no reason to bring it up to her. It will only make me madder because she will not acknowledge it.

Kristine

 

[1PrincessMomma1]

.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

Every single human being on this Earth makes mistakes. Parents are mere humans. On the whole, parents love their kids, want to do right by them, sacrifice for them, and want the best for them. Unless you were beaten, purposely starved, or verbally berated on a daily basis, let it go. To sit and dwell on the mistakes parents make is destructive. It serves no purpose and does no one any good.

My parents made mistakes. I am a parent now and I make mistakes. I love my kids with my whole heart, the way I know I was (am) loved by my parents. None of the rest of it matters.

 

[bubie2.5]

The spankings I received as a kid don't phase me the least now as an adult.

Its their fighting with each other (verbally & physically) bordering on domestic abuse that mess with my adult head. They still do it. I'm in my 40s.

Same here, althought my parents never fought physically.

 

[Jennasis]

Oooh, I hope nobody takes this question as a personal indictment on their parenting skills. I'm sure it's something all (most?) parents worry about. BUt yet, I never seem to hear it verbalized.

As for the "water under the bridge". Sure, bygones are bygones and all, but there are some things you just never forget. Forgive? SURE. Forgetting is a bit tougher. NOt talking about "momm wouldn't buy me the Strawberry Shortcake doll I wanted" type stuff.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

About the trauma they caused you as a child or the trauma you may be causing your children? I was looking at the "Do you spank/have you been spanked" thread and it got me thinking. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents these days (I'm in my 30's). Were you to ask them how I view them, they are likely to give you a glowing report. However, I can easily reflect back on my childhood and pull out MANY traumatic, damaging moments that affect me to this day (playing no small role in my own decision to not have children). My parents are completely unaware of how their actions affected me then and continue to do so now.

So, do you harbor any resentment from the past be it over spankings, something they said/didn't say, promises broken etc? Do your parents know how you feel now?

If you have kids, do you ever worry about leaving that lasting negative impression on the kiddos?

My mom would have a total nuclear meltdown if I ever brought it up. She would laundry list the bazillion wonderful things they did for "us kids" and deride me for focusing on the few negatives. But those negatives are doozies.

My parents knew how I felt then & now. I don't have room for resentment.

As far as my kids we talk about things in the now. We don't hang onto stuff. Hash it out and done.

I just tell my kids, my parents were kinda "unaware", to rip off clarabelle's word.
They can see this for their own eyes, they are not evil just "out there", grew up in the 50's, had abusive parents, naive, gave us no guidance, etc. DH's mother is schizophrenic, dad is absent.

So we are probably screwing up too. We tell them to try and do better than us. We talk about that. Because it is a issue when you are learning how to raise kids on your own.

 

[Disney Doll]

They weren't perfect, but they were pretty darn good most of the time. I can't say I think they made any HUGE mistakes, like abuse or neglect or anything like that. I could see how those types of things could affect one into one's adulthood.

The "human" mistakes they made...well, I'm an adult now and recognize them as such and therefore am able to put them into perspective and not dwell on them or let them affect my life now.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I'm starting a therapy fund for my DD. One time we were bickering and I screamed to her (she had just slammed her bedroom door) "I guess I'm not getting mother of the year!" She bellowed back in an eerily deep voice for a 9 yo "You weren't even nominated." At first I was tempted to yell at her but then I found that so funny. And she was so convinced I was going to reprimand her that she didn't know what to do. Finally I burst out laughing and had tears streaming down my face.

I believe my parents did a decent job raising us. I don't believe there are too many traumatic events in our lives. However, now my DM needs to let go and stop telling us how to raise our kids. She forgets that she raised us and now its our turn. We actually get into more disagreements now then we did growing up.

 

[Jennasis]

I'm starting a therapy fund for my DD. One time we were bickering and I screamed to her (she had just slammed her bedroom door) "I guess I'm not getting mother of the year!" She bellowed back in an eerily deep voice for a 9 yo "You weren't even nominated." At first I was tempted to yell at her but then I found that so funny. And she was so convinced I was going to reprimand her that she didn't know what to do. Finally I burst out laughing and had tears streaming down my face.

I believe my parents did a decent job raising us. I don't believe there are too many traumatic events in our lives. However, now my DM needs to let go and stop telling us how to raise our kids. She forgets that she raised us and now its our turn. We actually get into more disagreements now then we did growing up.

Your DD...is...the...most...hilarious....kid...EVER!!!!

 

[NotUrsula]

I think that what matters is getting adult perspective on it. Most children see the world as relatively black and white, but as we age we are better able to see shades of grey where they exist.

My mother was seriously mentally ill, and her delusions caused her to do all kinds of weird and awful things. One of my elder sisters was embarassed by the situation and resented her so much for it, and carried that resentment well into adulthood -- it just gnawed at her. She finally let go of it after Mom died, but it took her an awfully long time.

I guess I was just born old or something, but even as a small child I really never feared my mother, I just knew that she had to be humoured as a matter of self-preservation, but that it was also important to make sure that she didn't realize that she was being humoured. It was a little like living in a play. (Of course, as a result of walking that line for decades, I can lie like a rug!)

I've never resented my mother, though there were plenty of times in my youth when I got irritated with her. She was ill and she could not help herself, and somehow I always knew that. My father did everything he could to shield us and make our lives as normal as possible, but he couldn't help dying first, either. It was what it was, and I think that we all did our best with the circumstances that we found ourselves in.

I think that *most* parents really try to do what is best for their kids based on what they know at the time, and really believe that that is what they are doing. If in hindsight it turns out that they were wrong, I don't think that there is much benefit in belaboring the point, unless they are continuing the behavior with another generation. That does call for intercession.

 

[sbell111]

My parents were at best 'disconnected' from us and at worse they had serious anger issues. My older brothers and sisters got the most of the nastiness and I believed that I was unaffected until I began to have adult relationships. Still, I make friends and married a great woman.

It wasn't until It wasn't until several of my brothers and sisters (and families) and my father and stepmother were at one of my brother's homes shortly before his death that it all came to a head. My father went off on me (verbally) about something or another. I pretty much blew it off, but my wife stepped in to defend me. My father then called my wife a "stupid <rhymes with witch>". This hurt her deeply and was something that I could not ignore without damaging my relationship with my wife. I never will be able to forgive this and I know my wife won't. I cut them out of our life for a couple of years. While he isn't technically still cut out of my life, I don't make attempts to reach out to him and he will never have a relationship with our daughter who will be born in November.