Do your parents know...do you know?

[GirTheGecko]

My mother was mentally ill. She told me that "motherhood was her greatest source of heartbreak." Also, threatened to move and not leave a forwarding address. There was another food issue that crept up years after her death at my dbf's parent's house that freaked me out. I remember standing there, trembling, thinking "It's starting again. I swore I'd never be in this situation again, and it's back." Meanwhile, they were joking and wondering why I was freaking out. There were times where I had a karate tournament and she decided to go shopping instead of cheer me on. I lived with my mother for 19 years and can't remember her ever giving me a hug. I also remember being in class once, and they were talking about the greatest thing was a mother's love, and I just couldn't comprehend it.

My dad was a saint. He invested time into me, came to my karate tournaments, supported my choices, and made it known loved me. I can remember all sorts of hugs from him. 'I missed you' hugs, 'I'm proud of you' hugs, 'I know you had a rotten day' hugs.... So, much of the reason why I'm not totally screwed up is because of my father's love.

 

[paintnolish]

I was spanked as a child and it hasn't caused me any trauma as an adult.
There is a big difference between a spanking and a beating, which is what many people on this thread are describing.

Yep. Me, too. My kids have gotten a swat on the bottom as well and I doubt they will even remember them. As for things I remember that "traumatized" me, they are just small mistakes most parents make, like being late or saying something out of anger (but not verbal abuse, as pps have described ). Parents make mistakes. I know I have. I have apologized to my dcs for losing my temper or something I said. I said parents are people, too, and sometimes we say or do things that are wrong. What I think my dd will be traumatized by was the time I missed "muffins with moms" (I was late because I was sitting in the parking lot thinking it was at a later time!). Don't even get me started...I cried all day. In fact, I maye be traumatized!

 

[connorlevismom]

My mother was, and is, a stay-at-home mom. It was a decision that she and my father made mutually, but she said many times as I was growing up, "Don't be a SAHM. They get no respect". Yet she always put everyone's needs before her own, didn't really go out with her friends, and I always sensed that she was sort of unhappy.

OMG, I totally agree with the part of your post that I underlined. My mother did so many things in my childhood that left lasting impressions on me:

- I was very anxious during swimming lessons and was terrified of diving. I wouldn't dive for this one test, and my mother came over and dug her nails into my left arm, dragging me, whispering in my ear that I had better dive...I still have the scar.

- She tried time upon time to force me to join activities that I didn't want to join; I distinctly remember her saying once when I was in elementary school "You are NOT coming home from school unless you tell me you have joined the track team". I was, and still am, a horrible runner, not to mention that I don't really like sports in general.

- Forcing me to join basketball an curling...because I was overweight and needed exercise, according to her when I brought the subject up years later. Well, I was chubby because a) I developed early, b) I was a teenager, and c) I had, and still have, anxiety issues. I would cry because I was SO very bad at these sports, and I would let my team down.

Of course, whenever I attempt to bring up the subject, I am "Being disrespectful and don't appreciate the opportunities and support I was given by her". Yeah, financial support maybe, but NO emotional support. I barely talk to her. She knows almost nothing about me, and I don't really care to share anything. I don't think she's going to change, and until she does, there will be no "mother/daughter" relationship between us. The other week, her reaction to my gaining weight was "Well, you must have wanted to gain it". When I said that hurt my feelings, she said "I was only trying to help you". Some help. She knows how I feel and I honestly think she doesn't care.

Because of what I've experienced, I really don't know whether or not I want kids. I just hope to God that if I have them, I don't have any daughters.

Wow this sounds SOOO much like my mother. I remember being terrified to get in the water at swimming lessons and she told me that if I did not get in the water, she was going to leave me there and never come back to get me. I was 5. What kind of person says that to a 5 year old? I have a 5 year old now and I do not make him do things he does not want to do (sports wise and ride wise) because I remember how I felt back then and I will not do that to him. He is old enough to know if he is to scared to do something.

Kristine

 

[NotUrsula]

... I have to say "I did the best I could" is a response that I hate to hear and she USED to say it often. Then when I finally got down to the crux of my issues, she stopped saying that. ...
...
I have to say--that I was on my own path of destruction with my own child and it did come to a head. Years from now--she will remember that mommy knew she had an issue and instead of "doing the best she could under the circumstances"--that her mommy did what was right and sought help to stop the insanity.
...

But don't you see -- that IS the best you can do. A considered, thought-out approach to solve the problem with all the resources you can get access to.

When you sincerely TRY, even if you eventually fail, then you have done your best. Not trying to solve the issue is one thing, but trying every method that you can manage, only to have those methods fail does not imply fault.

For those of us who dealt with mental illness in a parent, coming to understand this is key. You cannot judge the motivations and failures of a mentally-ill person in the same way as you would those of a healthy person, because their sense of logic is completely screwy. Sometimes treatment will help, but sometimes it won't -- you have to accept that while it is always worth trying, it doesn't always work, and it is up to you to learn to separate the person from the illness.

My mom was a paranoid schizophrenic. I *had* to be able to separate "her" from her delusions, because when she was in treatment the delusions were gone, but part of the delusion was believing that the medicines were poisonous because the government was trying to kill her. If the delusion got the upper hand, the meds did not get taken, and the game was on again. If I had not known what was wrong with her I'm sure I would have believed her stories and been terrified along with her, but I was told very early on, because my father did HIS best, and gave us the tools that we needed to cope with her world as she lived in it.

 

[zigzagzerr]

I don't have room for resentment.

As far as my kids we talk about things in the now. We don't hang onto stuff. Hash it out and done.

We tell them to try and do better than us. We talk about that. Because it is a issue when you are learning how to raise kids on your own.

I like that a lot -- don't have room for resentment. I think it makes life much more tolerable if we can let go of some of those old hurts.

Many hugs to all of you who have dealt with mental health issues and abuse in your childhoods. For those of us who have not dealt with those situations, it puts "childhood trauma" in perspective.

I may not get along that well with my mother, but I try to keep the lines of communication open -- I want my daughter to have her grandmother in her life.

I think a lot of us just try to be better parents than our parents were -- and it's very individual, as far as what is most important. My parents were kinda distant, so I make sure my daughter has gotten lots of hugs and "I love you's" growing up. I'm sure my daughter will have plenty to say about her parents -- heck, she's 13 so she already has plenty to say -- but hopefully she will always know we wanted to do our best for her.

Good topic -- very thought provoking!

 

[HugsForEeyore]

Wow. I am seeing many phrases here that describe my parents to a tee - "not in my corner", distant, disconnected, naive. I always joked that my parents are "social darwinists" - basically they gave birth to us (me and 3 siblings) and gave us a place to live, but beyond that we were on our own.

It's not like they were supportive or vocally unsupportive or even mean - just everything was "up to us" and not my parent's responsibility. The concept of helping me with anything was not their job. I was always on my own with everything. No one in my corner, no one to cheer me on, no one to encourage. I needed guidance from someone, anyone! - but there was no one, and I know that affects me to this day, having no mentor, no help. I know I floundered for a long time.

My parents never hugged or touched us - never!! Not even a high five. Why I don't know, but never being touched caused more issues than I can describe here.

I know all this affected me badly, but I made choices as an adult to help my own situation. I purposely choose careers or actvities where I can be around older women - still looking for a surrogate mother to this day, I guess. I now understand my parents simply could never give me things I want (hugs, guidance, support) so I accepted that awhile ago and now stopped expecting anything from them, and I looked elsewhere. Maybe many parents from the 60's and 70's were like them, I wonder. If I had kids, I would use a completely different parenting style - and I would give them hugs! But I am 99.99999999% sure kids aren't happening. Never had the desire to be a parent, and I feel absolutely no loss about it. Never wanted to risk bringing a kid into this world who could turn out anything like me.

I guess my parents were as opposite as "helicopter parent" as you can get!

 

[sbell111]

I think what makes me the most sad is the number of adults on this thread who have no children and/or doubt their ability to raise a child.

 

[ZachnElli]

I was spanked as a child and I was not traumatized by it. My parents never spanked out of anger, there was a whole routine when the punishment was a spanking. We had to go to our room until it was time and were called to receive our spanking. Sounds like it could have been traumatizing but we laugh about it now!

My mil did more than spank her kids. The only way I see it affecting my dh is in his relationship with her.

 

[Jennasis]

I think what makes me the most sad is the number of adults on this thread who have no children and/or doubt their ability to raise a child.

Don't be sad because I have no children. It is a choice DH and I made together and are VERY happy with it. There were a great many contributing factors to that decision (among them some parenting I experienced as a child).

 

[kkmcan]

I was spanked a few times as a child and I'm not traumatized by it. My parents were good parents. They loved my sister and I and they always showed it. Were they perfect though? No. But they did a pretty awesome job, I think.

I guess the only disappointing thing I remember was I always asked my mom to play board games with me and I remember her always saying no. Now, I was probably about 8 or 9 so maybe she did sometimes and I don't remember those times. Now that I'm a parent I can totally relate to not wanting to play a long tedious drawn out game in the afternoon when you are beyond tired. I say no to my kids sometimes and sometimes I suck it up and play because I know how it makes them happy.

I always make sure to hug my kids and tell them I love them everyday before school and before bed. My dh grew up without anyone telling him they loved him.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

But don't you see -- that IS the best you can do. A considered, thought-out approach to solve the problem with all the resources you can get access to.
.

I disagree...my mother did it alone--the best that SHE could do.

I sought help--the best that "I" could do was not good enough.

I see it differently and when she spouts that claim--it is a cop out when she knew that she had the ability and access to do better.


Like the time when I was a grown up and she asked me why her kids didn't say anything about the creep she was marrying. She was always blinded by "love". Just not the right kind.

Long story that I cannot go into details here--but she didn't do her best. She wants to believe that she did. But she didn't and she knows it. Otherwise I would have been treated in high school for an issue that was present since I was 4. Finally had a break through this year though--so life is good now.

 

[Tigger2252]

My parents put the "fun" in dysfunctional. My father was an abusive, alcoholic, womanizer. Some of the stuff that went on in our house would stand your hair on end. I know my brother and I both are scarred from it. I had no relationship with my natural father after age 20. In fact I never spoke to him again. My mother was a good hearted woman but she was emotionally fragile, and completely dependent upon my father. I could never understand why she would put up with his crap for so many years, or why she let us bear witness to it. She ended up with a major drinking problem herself and I had to cut ties with her for several years. She eventually left my father and quit drinking. Once she did that we were able to rebuild our relationship. She was a wonderful grandmother to my kids and they adored her. I know that I have "issues" with a lot of stuff because of my childhood, but I choose not to dwell on it. It can't be undone but it can be used as a blueprint of how not to live. I grew up determined that my children would never see the things I saw and they never have. They have never seen me or my dh drunk, we have never had a major disagreement in front of them, I have never missed any event of theirs, and I tell them every single day that I love them.

 

[minkydog]

I see a lot of people are saying "Well, I was spanked and it didn't traumatize me." A simple swat on the rear given as part of discipline for wrongdoing should NOT traumatize anyone. Children can make the connection between "I disobeyed" and an appropriate spanking.

Sadly, I see waaaayy too many people who HAVE been traumatized by inappropriate discipline. In my case, my father thought nothing of twisting an arm until it dislocated or snatching you up by your hair and throwing you against the house. When I was 17 he hit me so hard it knocked me out. For what, you say? I rolled my eyes, as so many teens do. I admit, I was being a turd. But what he did was assault & battery. My mother tried to comfort me by saying "you always do this. You MAKE him treat you this way."

Wanna know what this "discipline" taught me? Get the hell out of there any way you can. Thank God, I found a way to go away to college(with no money) because I was ripe for running away with the first loser who could get me pregnant. My father taught me to fear men. My mother taught me to do anything and everything to please a man "so he wouldn't have to hurt you." Too bad their lessons worked so well.

 

[connorlevismom]

I see a lot of people are saying "Well, I was spanked and it didn't traumatize me." A simple swat on the rear given as part of discipline for wrongdoing should NOT traumatize anyone. Children can make the connection between "I disobeyed" and an appropriate spanking.

Sadly, I see waaaayy too many people who HAVE been traumatized by inappropriate discipline. In my case, my father thought nothing of twisting an arm until it dislocated or snatching you up by your hair and throwing you against the house. When I was 17 he hit me so hard it knocked me out. For what, you say? I rolled my eyes, as so many teens do. I admit, I was being a turd. But what he did was assault & battery. My mother tried to comfort me by saying "you always do this. You MAKE him treat you this way."

Wanna know what this "discipline" taught me? Get the hell out of there any way you can. Thank God, I found a way to go away to college(with no money) because I was ripe for running away with the first loser who could get me pregnant. My father taught me to fear men. My mother taught me to do anything and everything to please a man "so he wouldn't have to hurt you." Too bad their lessons worked so well.

You are so right. There are a couple different people in this thread. Some were swatted on the butt and others where hit. There is a big difference.

When I was little (and I mean like 5) until I was about 10, I remember my mom had a paddle. It was this huge piece of wood that she used to hit us on the butt. That is not a spanking, IMO. She would make us pull our pants down, lay over her leg and just wail on us with this wood. And you NEVER put your hands back there to shield yourself (a normal reaction you would do when trying to protect youself, right?) because that would make her even more mad and she would hit you even harder. How dare you do that.

One of my older sisters got a plastic hairbrush broken over her mouth once because she smarted off to my mom. That is one hard hit, if you ask me.

One of my other older sisters remembers having to pull my mom off me because she was beating on me so bad. Why? I was late from coming home from my friends. I was 6 years old.

These are cases of rage, not discipline so there is a HUGE difference between those who were spanked and those who were beaten.

Kristine