Do your kids hate you?

[Trish Bessette]

Wow, this is a sad thread Best wishes to you and your son. This breaks my heart.

My two DD's who are 13 & 10 are still very close to me and DH. I pray that continues.

Stay with him...I'm certain he will come around.

 

[thinkerbell]

I am so sorry Marseeya. Kids can really get to you can't they? My daughter was the normal teenager--we didn't get along very well but she wasn't horrible. Now she is out and married and we are great friends. We talk almost everyday.
Our son was the perfect teenager. We thought that when we got him to college that everything was just wonderful since he had been so good as a teen. Boy, we learned really quickly that just because they get to 18 without incident doesn't mean you have made it. We can't seem to get past one incident before we get slapped in the face with another--usually worse than the one before. We just can't understand. We feel that we did a pretty good job raising him but his actions now really make us wonder where we went wrong. Today was another slap. We had been doing so well. The thing about it is, I usually find out what he has done by accident. It makes me wonder what else he has done that we haven't found out about.

I completely understand the mourning for your little boy thing. We go through that every time he does something else stupid.

I really hope it gets better for you.

 

[Magickndm]

I think that it is troubling for a child to hate his parents for years at a time. This can't be normal. I am sorry Marseeya, but I have read your posts and I think your son needs a different counselor. He is not progressing and I do believe that there is an answer for your family out there. But, what you are currently doing is NOT working. And in the mean time, you are killing yourself. This can't be good for you day after day, Marseeya. This is not what life is about

I think you need a new plan. I don't know what. I just think when you try and try and nothing positive is happening, you have to go a different route.

I have posted on here several times about a website called conductdisorders.com Without going into detail, a friend of mine was going through some very rough times with her teenage son. She often found this website to be a place where she could vent freely. I also suggested to you a few weeks back that you send your son on some kind of "missionary" camp. It doesn't have to be religious, but somewhere he can go and help others that are less fortunate than him. New Orleans comes to mind. Maybe if he gets away from his friends and sees that he CAN make a difference, that will set him on the right path. His current attitude reeks of underachievement. He needs to get a boost from within. Physically helping others is an amazing and life-changing experience. Please consider this for him.

I really feel so badly for what you are going through

I think you got some very good advice here.
I don't see how counceling can hurt anything at this point. Imagine how much he must be hurting if he hurts you so much. Being a teenager sucks....even worse than being the parent of one. Sounds like he needs a healthy outlet of some kind.
I hope you can figure things out so you can enjoy the time you have left with him.

 

[Evil Queen]

Hang in there Marseeya! My oldest no longer "hates" me, but I think the younger one did over the weekend. And I did nothing, I even let his bud hang out, maybe that was the problem, they did nothing but pick at each other almost the entire time.

 

[ticktock]

No, you are NOT alone. My DS(17) hates both me and his father. We just don't understand it. It has it so easy. He doesn't do anything around the house. Never mowed a lawn, doesn't clean up his room or bathroom, does absolutely nothing. Yet he hates us and he can't wait to leave. He graduates this June but doesn't turn 18 until August. The summer is going to be terrible. I even booked a cruise for Nov. and he hates us so much he doesn't even want to go. People tell me he will change, but I just don't see it. He has hated us for years, but this year has been the worse. So I feel for you, but I have no answers. We even gave him a new car to use, mostly for school and work, but he does use it for his social time, and we even paid his insurance which is sky high, yet he hates us. Makes no sense.

I don't mean to be judgemental but I think your problem with your son IS that you don't make him do anything. He doesn't have any stake in your family's well being and he doesn't truely understand how easy you have made his life. I was the same way with my ds. It is sooo much easier to just do everything yourself than to teach them how to do things and than MAKE them do them. I am trying to change this slowly but surely, luckily ds is only 12 so I may have a chance to nip it in the bud.

It looks like this poster proves the point:

DS19 hated me for a long, long time. He could barely be civil to me and if he was invited to go somewhere with the family, his first words were, "Is mom going?" His hatred for me was easily the most difficult thing I have ever endured. He absolutely oozed hostility. He couldn't wait to leave home after his senior year--in fact, he quit school(age 18) with 6months left to graduate and joined a Disney On Ice tour for 4-5 months just to get away from me.

And that was the turning point... He learned that out on the road, nobody picks you up when you fall down, nobody cares if you're sick, nobody's there at the end of a tough day to make you some dinner or share a hug. Just a bunch of roadies living the hard life with no end in sight. It was the
best education he could have gotten. He left the tour and begged to move back home.

Good luck marseeya! They will sometimes hate you if your doing your job right.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I hate to hear how things are going and how you are feeling!!

Wow, some excellent posts here. OMari, Minkydog, Hentob.

Marseeya, I agree with much of what these three posters have mentioned. At this point, and at your sons age, something has to change.

If he has had these feelings for so long, and if you are truly feeling the way you are. (counting the days...) My guess is that your DS knows you are feeling this way. That cannot be good. Even if his issues are the cause of all of this, he could very well be picking up on these undercurrents and thinking 'She hates me', 'I can't wait to get out of here', 'She will be glad when I'm gone...'.

I know that you are not your childs 'friend'. I very much agree with that!!! However, there seem to be some pretty heavy issues here. And, at this point, with the situation as you describe. You are not just not avoiding being your son's friend. You are now his constant and never ending adversary, disciplinarian, and with all of the grounding, his 'jailer'. To your DS, I imagine that he does resent this. It does seem a bit controlling at his age.

At this point, you taking full control and being the strong 'parent' may be becoming very counterproductive.

At this point, just perhaps, is this not starting to cross into 'unhealthy'

At this point, your DS, and you, NEED outlets (physical, emotional, psychological) And some space. Especially your DS.

I think that perhaps your situation, and your DS, could benefit from some very strong 'outside' actions and influences???

HUGS!!!!

You definately have our empathy and our best wishes!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

T&B, you really have your hands full with them. I should be glad I've just got one with the teen hormones.

Yes, my hands are full. More with quantity than with anything too tough with any one child, thankfully. Sometimes I do think that my 15yo is heading down that path, but then I start to wonder if it's normal teenage stuff. It's hard to know sometimes.

 

[JadenLayne]

I wouldn't say my 14 year old hates me but I would say I get on his TEENAGE NERVES sometimes. He knows just how far he can push but if he thinks hes hurt my feelings everything changes. He can't stand to see me look sad so if hes being a pain I'll bow my head and soon hes apologizing. I sincerely hope it stays this way, hes a good kid.

I laughed reading your siggie that says your DS is too cool for WDW. When I told mine we were going back for free dining in September he rolled his eyes. I said fine, stay here. He considered it for about 10 minutes. He may act like he doesn't like it but its all an act!

 

[scrump]

I know I'm not here to be my son's best friend or anything, but the negativity and hate is just wearing me down. I truly believe that I could die today and he honestly wouldn't shed a tear.

But then I think back and remember how much I hated my own parents when I was a teenager. Was I this bad? Did I make them this miserable? Is this just karma in action?

Anyone? Surely I'm not alone in this.

Without knowing the particulars of your situation, I think this is really normal. I LOVE my mom, just like anybody else, but I still cringe at some of the things I said or thought back when I was a teenager.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[babytrees]

Oh, Marseeya, this happens to all parents.

Some days dd hates me--other days, I'm the best Mom ever. I have no clue why some days I'm so much fun and others I'm just horrible to have around. Usually, it has no connection to anything I've said or done.

They really do love you down deep. Some days, that love is just WAY, WAY down deep and harder to see than others.

Hang in there, darlin'.

You have to wait days? My oldest can go from hating me to I am the best mom in the world in minutes. I too have no clue what I do, don't do, say, don't say to bring about the change. I am my usual embarrasing self

Marseeya I know it's tough but we all do get through it!! You did and your parents did.....I am betting your son loves very much and is just reacting to things and people around him. I always tell my girls I love them but I don't like what they're doing....maybe that's what he is feeling just can't verbalize it that way.

 

[MinnieM3]

DS6 just ran to his rooms in tears, after pronouncing very seriously, "you better think about what you did, not letting me go. You better be sad about what you did!" Door slam...crying from room.....wailing.....

(this is going on now!)

DS6 wanted to go with DS17 and friend to the beach. I did not want DS17 to go anywhere today, so I'm ticked off at him.

DD20 lives to hate me. It's all she has I think.

DS17 doesn't hate me, but could care less about anything/person that is not a drum.

 

[challada]

While I don't know your particulars, here's my thoughts:

Yes, day to day, minute to minute, teens have mood swings. Remember, they are not only trying to become independent at the same time that they need our help, but their bodies are hormone war-zones!

If you are seeing behavior that is NOT a mood swing (ie, does not change for a long period of time), you are seeing psychiatric issues. It may not be easy to admit, but counseling, medication, hospitalization are avenues available to figure out what is wrong.

Drug usage in the teen years is often self-medication for psychiatric needs. If you suspect drug use, it could be tied to both the behavior and the antecedent of the behavior.

Sometimes, tough love is what is necessary.

Good luck, hugs, and best wishes!
C

 

[Marseeya]

I know that you are not your childs 'friend'. I very much agree with that!!! However, there seem to be some pretty heavy issues here. And, at this point, with the situation as you describe. You are not just not avoiding being your son's friend. You are now his constant and never ending adversary, disciplinarian, and with all of the grounding, his 'jailer'. To your DS, I imagine that he does resent this. It does seem a bit controlling at his age.

At this point, you taking full control and being the strong 'parent' may be becoming very counterproductive.

At this point, just perhaps, is this not starting to cross into 'unhealthy'

At this point, your DS, and you, NEED outlets (physical, emotional, psychological) And some space. Especially your DS.

I think that perhaps your situation, and your DS, could benefit from some very strong 'outside' actions and influences???

HUGS!!!!

You definately have our empathy and our best wishes!

Thanks. I just wanted to remark on the grounding and a couple of other things mentioned by others. His grounding only lasted this long by his own choice. He could have been released from it weeks ago if he'd wanted to, but for whatever reason he didn't! He told me, "I'm used to it and I like it this way." For the most part, he did alright. Never complained about it, never tried to sneak out, never broke the rules. But this past week, he has been taking steps to get out of the grounding, and today I meet the dreaded GF.

Last night everything came to a head between us and it was pretty awful. It was in the 90s here and we were all hot and miserable. I'd just spent hours at my mother's house, cleaning the worst mess I've ever had to clean, being insulted and criticized by my mother and came home to his hateful attitude. He and I lost it on each other and then later we calmed down enough to talk about it. He apologized (well, in his own non-apologetic way )and said that the heat and "boredom" was getting to him, and I explained to him that I had no tolerance because of everything I'd gone through that day with my mother. Hopefully today will be a new day, but we'll see.

Oh, and regarding the counseling. He's only coming up on his third meeting with the new shrink, BUT if this guy doesn't listen to me and make some changes in his treatment at his next visit, I am going somewhere else. I found a place for my DD where they did an extensive day of testing with her (to see if she has ADHD or LD's or whatever). I was pretty impressed with just that one day, so I might switch him to there. I'm definitely not giving up, and I'll use the summer to find someone good!

Thanks for the support. Also, I know it's not a good place for any of us to be, but I'm glad to see we're not all alone in this. My problem is that I have a very difficult time distinguishing between normal teen angst and my son's problems.

 

[Marseeya]

Just a tiny update:

I was talking to DS in the car this morning (it's easier to talk to him in the car), and I told him that he'd really hurt my feelings yesterday with all the things he was saying. He acted truly baffled and wanted to know what he said that hurt my feelings so much, so I gave him a short list:

• I hate you.
• I wish you would die.
• I'm going to kill you.
• Fat people shouldn't be allowed at Disney.
• You smell funny (I didn't).

He threw his hands up in the air and said in an exasperated tone, "But you shouldn't take that personally!!! I talk like that all the time! I didn't mean anything by it." Oh right, what's not to take personal?

I don't get it! Okay, I was adopted, so there's no blood relation between me and my mother. She used to talk nasty like that when I was growing up. My son acts just like her. I swear, sometimes listening to him takes me right back to my childhood. Where does he get this from?

 

[Robinrs]

Just a tiny update:

I was talking to DS in the car this morning (it's easier to talk to him in the car), and I told him that he'd really hurt my feelings yesterday with all the things he was saying. He acted truly baffled and wanted to know what he said that hurt my feelings so much, so I gave him a short list:

• I hate you.
• I wish you would die.
• I'm going to kill you.
• Fat people shouldn't be allowed at Disney.
• You smell funny (I didn't).

He threw his hands up in the air and said in an exasperated tone, "But you shouldn't take that personally!!! I talk like that all the time! I didn't mean anything by it." Oh right, what's not to take personal?

I don't get it! Okay, I was adopted, so there's no blood relation between me and my mother. She used to talk nasty like that when I was growing up. My son acts just like her. I swear, sometimes listening to him takes me right back to my childhood. Where does he get this from?

OmG.... the thought of talking to my Mom like that ...OR having my Mom talk to me like that...

I cannot IMAGINE what you're going through.

The saddest part is that you're going thru it again.

We, unconsciously, let people know how to treat us. Your Mom's treatment of you made it commonplace in your life. Somehow your son picked it up that it was OK to talk to you like that. I would NEVER, EVER even think to disrespect any adult in that tone and my son would not either. It is all in the training, and I thnk it's time you both found someone to talk to.

Find out what is deeply going on. I can tell he loves you, but children, no matter what age, have to know what they can and cannot do, no matter what they feel or think. I remember being VERY angry at my Mom as a teenager but it NEVER came out of my mouth. I knew very early that it was NOT the way to react, it was unacceptable and there would be reprecussions I did not want to deal with.

It may be normal behavior to some people but I have never seen this personally, just on TV on shows like Roseanne.

Again, I am so deeply saddened by this. I did not add any remarks yesterday because the word "hate" just goes through me. It's like a curse word to me, a knife through the heart. No one should be that hurt to react that way. But I do know that "hurt people HURT people."

God bless,

Robinrs