Do you treat your husband like a child?

[janets]

I don't know if I'd call it mothering in our house, but I end up running the show most of the time. DH simply does not look past the end of his nose 99% of the time. He doesn't consider the long term results of his actions or anything that he does. In short, he cannot multitask. So he can't think about what is coming up or what has to be done unless he is told over and over again.

Example...he has been out of work since end of April. Since August he's been "consulting" for a company in the same industry. No salary but they pay expenses. He stays home on Monday to make calls and appointments for the upcoming week. I ask every Monday morning if he can throw the towels in the washing machine. Each week, over and over. And what happens the one week I don't mention it...you guessed it, not done.

He sometimes picks our younger son up at school in the afternoon. Have told him over and over again what time school gets out. What happens...he forgets and leaves the house 2 minutes before he gets out and is late. Kid is only 7...can't leave him standing there.

Can't send him shopping for anything. Will simply pick up the first thing he sees on the shelf and buy it. Never looks at the price, never looks for a sale, never considers that he's overpaying or spending unwisely. With the loss of his income, we cannot afford for him to waste money. On anything. Yet he does.

If I don't oversee everything, manage everything, handle everything, either it would not get done or it would be done wrong or it wouldn't get paid or the money would be spent. I figure he probably has ADD or something, but he makes no effort to find ways to deal with it. Forgets stuff, can't remember anything, but never writes it down or tries to find ways to make it better.

If that means I'm mothering him, then call it what you will. In my mind, it's survival, pure and simple. Now, some might ask why I married him if he was like this. Well, when we got married, he wasn't. Or at least it didn't seem like it to me. Maybe I noticed it more after we had kids. Or maybe I've grown and he hasn't. Don't know. But that's the way it is.

 

[NotUrsula]

I *do* occasionally have the opposite problem, when it comes to child-rearing issues. I'm very much a free-range parent, and I don't much care if the kids make messes or hurt themselves in small ways; I think it's good to learn by natural consequences wherever possible. I also don't believe in schedules for young children -- I let them eat when they are hungry and sleep when they are tired. DH is a micromanaging parent, and when I let them do something that he thinks is dangerous (like have a butter knife at the dinner table, or go out without socks in wintertime), or don't feed them at the time he deems most appropriate, he tends to get preachy about what I "should" be doing.

As to my mothering him, not bloody likely. He's a grownup. The only thing of that sort that I might do is buy articles of clothing for him, just because I have a bit more time to shop. If I happen to see something that I know he needed anyway, I'll buy it and give him the receipt.

We know someone whose wife REALLY treats him like a child. He won't even eat anything without her approval. It's creepy. She also doesn't approve of television: He got hold of some old Bullwinkle cartoon DVD's and watched them on his laptop (he was a big fan as a kid), and apparently she gave him hell about that.

 

[Planogirl]

I remember a couple that we knew many years ago where the wife was demanding and ordered her husband around and the husband was meek and always asked his wife what she thought about everything. It seemed to work for them.

It would not work for me though. DH and I are both very independent people which can lead to conflict. I wouldn't have it any other way though.

 

[pearlieq]

Eh. Whatever works for the couple.

I'm a quick thinker and detail-oriented. He's a big-picture guy and a bit absent minded. Thus, I'm in charge of most of the planning and practical details of our life.

I don't get involved with his work, and I don't dress him, but I do help him keep a lot of things straight. He's on the road all week for work, so my job is to keep the homestead running.

I'm also pretty naggy about his health. He's diabetic and his mom passed away of heart disease at 60. I'm on him like white on rice when it comes to doctor appointments, medication, etc. I want him to live a long healthy life!

 

[justhat]

This is our relationship, too, and my DH is SO laid back. If I don't remind him it is garbage day, the cans don't go out. He picks up our dd from dance every week - every week he asks "what time." If he happened to be home alone, and the house was a wreck, he'd sit down and watch the soccer channel. I have to give him lists, or else he'd do absolutely nothing. If someone calls me and I'm not home, there is zero chance I'll get the message (I know to ask if someone called). He leaves his shoes in the middle of the floor, and dirty clothes in the bathroom.

I am so glad to read this cause my husband is the same way! I had to set an alarm for him to be sure he picked our kids up from school on time last Thursday. Granted, he is very rarely home to pick them up from school, but he knows (or at least should) that pick up is 2:45pm. Yet when I set the alarm for 2:30, he still had to call me and ask what time he had to get them, if he had to park and walk in, etc. Like he's never been there!

And the trash, yeah, even with a note he can forget!

 

[Jennasis]

Never.

 

[WDWtraveler27]

I'll answer for my mom. My dad acts like a child all the time but he does it for attention. Sometimes even i have to take on the parenral role between my dad and i because he just insists on acting like a child sometimes

 

[shrubber]

I think some/most guys WANT that - its their reason for getting married. They know they are to old to have their actually Mommy be their mommy anymore, so they get a wife to do it.

What a horrible way to look at relationships

 

[hereyago]

1) I am grown so there is no way I would allow someone to treat me like a child 2) i would not want a man I had to mother, as I could not respect him nor really trust him.

Say down the line, you are mothering this guy, maybe you divorce or die or say my biggest fear, you become severly ill and this man child would have the responsiblity of taking care of you. he would have to do things that you did all yourself or you had to guide him because he didn't want to be accountable, now he has to do it all. I don't think so.

My DM was ALLOWED by her family and even my DF to have no responsibilty. MY dm evens does this fake dry crying when she doens't get her way because she learned that from her DM because her DF enabled that. What did my df get from enabling that? when he had lung cancer, I took care of him because she didn't want that responsibility.

I had nannies until 5 years of age when we came back to the States and let say that I learned to be indepedant at an early age, because DM was a SAHM who didn't cook, clean or really take care of me. DF apolozied years later he said he was afraid if they divorced she would get custody and my life would have been more cracked up.

Good thing is that I am a very strong independant person, I am raising a strong independant DD11, except not the way I had to learn. As for DM, well guess who is taking care of her now? that is right, irony is a trip. it is me. she is 76, I cook,clean, work, do everything. i promised my DF i would take care of her and I have kept that promise.

 

[minkydog]

It really irks me when I hear women boast that their husband is their 3rd, 4th, 5th child. I mean, really? You *like* being married to a "child"? How is this a balanced marriage?

I have a lot of respect for my husband. It would demean and emasculate him if I treated him or referred to him as a child.

 

[bumbershoot]

Before anything, going back to the OP and the book thing...that one is SO weird that there's almost *got* to be something much bigger than the husband just being mothered by his wife.

Might be as simple as one of them is worried about your intentions.

Might be as odd as perhaps he doesn't read (or read well), and need to have his wife read it out loud, and he wants to make sure SHE has interest in doing that. Think that's impossible? Ask my husband how he "read" the Harry Potter books in any sort of short amount of time... Answer: I read them out loud, and he LOVED it. Along with it taking much less time, he also has a bit of a thing for my voice...

Anyway, there's got to be something more going on with the book thing.

Sometimes I wonder if my husband thinks I'm his second mother. He puts me in that role all the time, but it's most definitely not the way I want it. It's just that somebody has to take the lead and he's perfectly willing to let me. My MIL claims it's because the men in her family are all so easy going.

Reading books to DH aside (which isn't anything his mother ever did b/c she doesn't read English other than traffic signs, and barely reads Korean after growing up in an occupied country (she can read Japanese, though, thanks to that experience)), we've had to work VERY hard to keep him from getting so complacent with my making decisions, which would result in a relationship that mirrored his parents' relationship.

I am NOT comfy being the one in charge at all times, but it's really easy for him to fall into that sort of thing.

That said, he has not always acted as an adult, and that started after we moved in with each other. Suddenly he slept through alarms and was late for work countless times. He still stays up WAY too late and is too tired in the mornings, and if I say we should go to sleep he gets pouty. He now travels for work, and those first two trips I was so so so worried about him! But he's actually REALLY good at traveling, and has done very well, and I just cannot say how much I LOVE that he doesn't need me to wake him up or walk him through Customs, etc etc. It's much nicer having a grownup, instead of someone who needs to be woken up in the mornings!

 

[Ember]

There are things I do in our relationship that might seem like mothering... I do tend to pick out most of DH's clothes when we're shopping, but it's because I have far superior taste. However, he gets himself dressed just fine in the mornings because he has such a nice selection. When he was in Montreal for two year without me he reverted to looking like a grad student - wearing ratty t-shirts, hoodies, and worn out jeans. Now that I have him home he's back to looking much nicer.

I remember the important dates and I tend to plan most trips. I enjoy the planning and he doesn't, so that just worked out naturally. I also control the finances. After he made a few "mistakes" I couldn't take the stress of not knowing if he had remembered to actually pay something or if he only thought he did. So I took that over, too.

However, he does all the grocery shopping and cooking, so in that sense I guess he mothers me... He also does most of the laundry and we split the rest of the chores.

 

[minkydog]

I am NOT comfy being the one in charge at all times, but it's really easy for him to fall into that sort of thing.

That said, he has not always acted as an adult, and that started after we moved in with each other. Suddenly he slept through alarms and was late for work countless times. He still stays up WAY too late and is too tired in the mornings, and if I say we should go to sleep he gets pouty. He now travels for work, and those first two trips I was so so so worried about him! But he's actually REALLY good at traveling, and has done very well, and I just cannot say how much I LOVE that he doesn't need me to wake him up or walk him through Customs, etc etc. It's much nicer having a grownup, instead of someone who needs to be woken up in the mornings!

Yeah, my husband started off the same way. He's the baby of the family, the only boy(the Crown Prince!) and his mother waited on him hand and foot. When DH went off the college he didn't know you had to wash your sheets and towels and underwear. Even after we were married and we lived with them (very!)briefly, his mother would tiptoe into our room early in the morning and put his hot coffee by his bed. I had a few words with her about that!

Anyway, DH thought I was going to just take over I guess. He wanted me to pack his clothes whenever we went to visit his parents. I objected. He was a grown man--he could by god pack his own skivvies. One day I had enough. I reminded him several times to pack his stuff. We got over to his parents house to spend the night. About 10pm he comes out and says "Hey, where is my toothbrush." I dunno, where *is* your tooth brush? He couldn't believe I actually refused to pack his things. He ended up having to run to the nearest convenience store to buy a toothbrush. But he learned his lesson and it never happened again.

It is much better to be married to a grown man than an aging adolescent.

 

[turkeymama]

I don't know if I'd call it mothering in our house, but I end up running the show most of the time. DH simply does not look past the end of his nose 99% of the time. He doesn't consider the long term results of his actions or anything that he does. In short, he cannot multitask. So he can't think about what is coming up or what has to be done unless he is told over and over again.

Example...he has been out of work since end of April. Since August he's been "consulting" for a company in the same industry. No salary but they pay expenses. He stays home on Monday to make calls and appointments for the upcoming week. I ask every Monday morning if he can throw the towels in the washing machine. Each week, over and over. And what happens the one week I don't mention it...you guessed it, not done.

He sometimes picks our younger son up at school in the afternoon. Have told him over and over again what time school gets out. What happens...he forgets and leaves the house 2 minutes before he gets out and is late. Kid is only 7...can't leave him standing there.

Can't send him shopping for anything. Will simply pick up the first thing he sees on the shelf and buy it. Never looks at the price, never looks for a sale, never considers that he's overpaying or spending unwisely. With the loss of his income, we cannot afford for him to waste money. On anything. Yet he does.

If I don't oversee everything, manage everything, handle everything, either it would not get done or it would be done wrong or it wouldn't get paid or the money would be spent. I figure he probably has ADD or something, but he makes no effort to find ways to deal with it. Forgets stuff, can't remember anything, but never writes it down or tries to find ways to make it better.

If that means I'm mothering him, then call it what you will. In my mind, it's survival, pure and simple. Now, some might ask why I married him if he was like this. Well, when we got married, he wasn't. Or at least it didn't seem like it to me. Maybe I noticed it more after we had kids. Or maybe I've grown and he hasn't. Don't know. But that's the way it is.

Yep, this is us too.

When I was recovering from a C-section with my second child, DH forgot DD at preschool (two times in the same week). Same DD has a severe food allergy (dairy, has had it her whole 9 years of life), and yet, when left on his own to feed her, he gives her foods that contain dairy. And even when he sets the alarm in the a.m., he hits snooze repeatedly until I make him stop.

DH was active-duty military when we first dated and married. I had no idea he would turn on me. I know he is much more capable than he acts. When I confronted him, he said the Marines were much tougher on him if he didn't wake up on time (or make the bed properly, or clean the bathroom good enough, or etc, you get the idea). So he admittedly is the way he is because he wants to be and because I've let him get away with it. But if I don't, things don't get done. I've tested this theory of mine and proven it to be very true.

 

[mrsklamc]

If you ARE this kind of wife and wish you didn't have to be, google an author by the name of Laura Doyle. The title of the book is so off putting I won't post it but if you want out of this situation but not your marriage, give it a shot.

Also try "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerich (written from a Christian perpective FYI)

Overall I never have, but there have been things here and there I tried to be too controlling of. Good thing I got over it too, or the last 2 months would have been unbearable. He took over the whole household seamlessly during my cancer treatment.

 

[carj]

I am just throwing this out there as another possibilty.

My husband will often offer up the excuse of "I need to ask my wife..." before we commit. The thing is, it is usually an avoidance technique. He doesn't really want to do whatever IT is, and buys some time but offering up the "I need to ask my wife" excuse.

My personal feeling about other people's relationships is that as long as I don't have to live with them, I don't care what they do, as long as it is legal!

 

[Judy from Boise]

Not in this lifetime! My DH is a grown up in every sense of the word.

 

[Acklander]

OK, some people are mentioning super laid back men as a reason to mother them, and I'm not saying anything is wrong with mothering...if it works for you , but my DH is super laid back (easy going and cheerful too), but also very independent.

Same here, DH is a VERY laid back type person, but he's responsible for himself. I don't tell him what to wear, how to spend his money, or give him permission to do anything. But then again, I'm not the "mothering" type. Actually, I'm pretty laid back as well and not big on control. If he was looking for the controlling type we probably would have never made it beyond a few dates.

 

[pigletgirl]

No way! I mean he's not my husband yet but no, he isn't my child!

 

[redboxcar]

I pick out his clothes when we go shopping, but that's just because I have better taste and he knows it. He doesn't like picking clothes because he wants to look nice but doesn't know what is "nice." On a day-to-day basis, he chooses his own clothing, though.

I take care of the bills because I'm more organized and detail-oriented. If I left him to pay the bills, he wouldn't take certain things into consideration, like which cards have higher interest, which have different requirements, etc. He would just pay x amount to each card and be done with it.

I don't consider these kinds of things mothering him. Because I tend to be the more responsible, more organized, more in-tune with what is going on in the outside world (he just knows what's on ESPN, ), he does sometimes ask me if he can buy certain things (because I keep track of finances, I know if we can afford it) - he also might ask me if he can do something, but not because I require it of him, but moreso because he wants to make sure I don't already have something planned for us.

The situation definitely works for us, I don't think there is any more or less respect for one another, just because I make most of the decisions.