Do you think you should support family, no matter what?

[eliza61]

I am kind of confused because I don't think I ever said I am going to cut her out of my life, did I? She is my niece and if she ever really needed me, I would be there.

What I am talking about is what my mom believes to be true. She thinks that I am a ***** because I don't ask her about her pregnancy. I don't get all excited about it and gush over her. I don't buy her gifts for the baby and celebrate it. My mom thinks that I should be doing that. I should be OK that she wants to be a SAHM even though she cannot afford it. She thinks that I should be OK with her taking Govt. money that I go to work to pay for. I am torked off about it! I have a 4 month old that my mom never offers to babysit just because. "You don't need it like she does, you have a husband" is what she says when I ask her about watching nieces son. I said that I did not support her. I never said I would cut her out of my life.

Hopefully that helps clear up what I mean by "support".

Kristine

There is an old saying "You can enforce morality". We've been trying to do it since the Puritans stepped off the boat. Obviously your mother sees it as 2 different situations. I get that from my mom also the "you don't need to work because you have a husband" song and dance. She's not going to change. As far as not celebrating the baby, I think you're punishing the kid for the stupidity of it's parents. So I guess you'll never wish the kid happy birthday or buy it a Christmas gift because that would be "supporting" it?

One this I'm with your mom, asking about some one's health could be as simple as "how are you feeling"? If any thing no matter how I felt about her life decisions I would want her and the baby to be healthy.

Maybe I'm misreading it but it seems you are saying that if you in any way help her, be nice to her or the baby, you are some how supporting her life style?
Sorry I think you are usuing your morality as a weapon to punish and berate. If you don't want any thing to do with her, why not just cut her out of your life. that at least would seem more open and honest.

As one who has her share of shall I say "deadbeats" in her immediate family, I think you're battling a lost cause. I don't think any thing you say or do will make these folks grow up and turn into model citizens before they want to

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I am kind of confused because I don't think I ever said I am going to cut her out of my life, did I? She is my niece and if she ever really needed me, I would be there.

What I am talking about is what my mom believes to be true. She thinks that I am a ***** because I don't ask her about her pregnancy. I don't get all excited about it and gush over her. I don't buy her gifts for the baby and celebrate it. My mom thinks that I should be doing that. I should be OK that she wants to be a SAHM even though she cannot afford it. She thinks that I should be OK with her taking Govt. money that I go to work to pay for. I am torked off about it! I have a 4 month old that my mom never offers to babysit just because. "You don't need it like she does, you have a husband" is what she says when I ask her about watching nieces son. I said that I did not support her. I never said I would cut her out of my life.

Hopefully that helps clear up what I mean by "support".

Kristine

It sounds like you are outright ignoring the fact that she is pregnant. I find that rude.

I'm pregnant--and what I do is my business. I certainly don't live off of the govt or anything....

But it is hurtful to get slighted.

I can't agree with you doing this. A card doesn't enable her poor behavior.

I'm not saying you have to get all rah rah excited and plan baby showers or be her #1 choice in baby sitter--but the cold shoulder won't make the baby go away and treating her differently than other relatives in an obvious manner b/c you don't like what she will do is wrong. She did it. It's done. Be kind. Move on.

I would certainly resent mom for the favortism--but it isn't your place to "punish her" via purposefully ignoring the growing belly or resenting her children and the fact that she had them.

Treat her as you wish to be treated. I'm sure you would not appreciate being shunned.

 

[AntePrincess]

I'm torn between asking you to clarify what you mean by "not celebrating" the child to satisfy my curiosity, and answering your question which I'd hope would preclude getting my nosiness satisfied!

I'm in the support your family camp: I'd support them with a swift kick in the pants in the right direction when the correct opportunity showed up, but I'd never criticize them to anyone, never expose their dirty laundry even anonymously (excepting the endearing ones, like my husband's collecting obscure kitchen gadgets). This family closes ranks when under outside scrutiny. If I had relatives I considered toxic or dangerous rather than just screw ups, I'd disown them. I'm sorry to say that there has been one instance where that was needed in my life.

 

[connorlevismom]

I'm torn between asking you to clarify what you mean by "not celebrating" the child to satisfy my curiosity, and answering your question which I'd hope would preclude getting my nosiness satisfied!

I'm in the support your family camp: I'd support them with a swift kick in the pants in the right direction when the correct opportunity showed up, but I'd never criticize them to anyone, never expose their dirty laundry even anonymously (excepting the endearing ones, like my husband's collecting obscure kitchen gadgets). This family closes ranks when under outside scrutiny. If I had relatives I considered toxic or dangerous rather than just screw ups, I'd disown them. I'm sorry to say that there has been one instance where that was needed in my life.

I have no problem clarifying. What I meant by that is that when she got pregnant the first time, we had a shower she got tons of gifts and then also got all the items that she needed for free, because she was a single mom. I mean crib, changing table, stollers, car seats, highchairs....everything. Well, she decided to sell all that stuff because she wanted the money for it. Now she is pregnant again and has nothing for this baby.

We have a rule in my family that we do not have showers for any baby after the first. I have a VERY large family and it just gets way to hard to celebrate everything for everyone. I have 6 brothers and sisters, 2 SIL, 2 BIL, 15 nieces and nephews and 6 great nieces and nephews. Anyway we all know this 1st baby shower only rule. I just had my second baby and did not have a shower and knew that I would not. I too had gotten rid of ALL my baby stuff (because we were done. OOPS!) with the exception of my crib and changing table. So I had to go out to garage sales and pick up what I could. I was able to find most everything and what I did not find, I bought. I was totally fine with that!

My niece on the other hand got really mad that we were not going to give her a shower. So she had her friends throw her a shower and invite us all. She wanted gifts plain and simple. She wants all new stuff for this baby and she wants everyone else to give it to her. Now, why is SHE not out shopping at garage sales for this baby? Why is she not saving every cent she has for when this baby comes instead of going to chuck e cheese or Mall of America all the time?

So that is what I mean by celebrating this baby. A shower. Of course I will wish her kid happy birthdays. I have been to all her other childs parties (which someone else held at their house, paid for everything and she dictated what she wanted). I did not buy him a gift because again, we just cannot afford to buy all my family members gifts for everything. We only buy for godchildren, that is how everyone in the family does it.

Hopefully that helps explain the celebrating this child comment.

Kristine

 

[luvsJack]

I have no problem clarifying. What I meant by that is that when she got pregnant the first time, we had a shower she got tons of gifts and then also got all the items that she needed for free, because she was a single mom. I mean crib, changing table, stollers, car seats, highchairs....everything. Well, she decided to sell all that stuff because she wanted the money for it. Now she is pregnant again and has nothing for this baby.

We have a rule in my family that we do not have showers for any baby after the first. I have a VERY large family and it just gets way to hard to celebrate everything for everyone. I have 6 brothers and sisters, 2 SIL, 2 BIL, 15 nieces and nephews and 6 great nieces and nephews. Anyway we all know this 1st baby shower only rule. I just had my second baby and did not have a shower and knew that I would not. I too had gotten rid of ALL my baby stuff (because we were done. OOPS!) with the exception of my crib and changing table. So I had to go out to garage sales and pick up what I could. I was able to find most everything and what I did not find, I bought. I was totally fine with that!

My niece on the other hand got really mad that we were not going to give her a shower. So she had her friends throw her a shower and invite us all. She wanted gifts plain and simple. She wants all new stuff for this baby and she wants everyone else to give it to her. Now, why is SHE not out shopping at garage sales for this baby? Why is she not saving every cent she has for when this baby comes instead of going to chuck e cheese or Mall of America all the time?

So that is what I mean by celebrating this baby. A shower. Of course I will wish her kid happy birthdays. I have been to all her other childs parties (which someone else held at their house, paid for everything and she dictated what she wanted). I did not buy him a gift because again, we just cannot afford to buy all my family members gifts for everything. We only buy for godchildren, that is how everyone in the family does it.

Hopefully that helps explain the celebrating this child comment.

Kristine

Oh, ok. It not the really the fact that she is pregnant but her entitled attitude you have an issue with. That I can understand and I don't blame you for having an issue with it at all. I would resent it too.

The family member I mentioned that was a bit like her? One Christmas I found out that his kids were not getting anything for Christmas. So, I called to find out what they liked and me, my mom, and my sister bought the kid's Christmas. When we went to deliver the stuff? He didn't even help us get it out of the car!! His brother did and his brother thanked us for it. Do I think he is a worthless bum? Yes. But, I bought the gifts because his kids are family and that's what we do. And, like you, I highly resent the attitude that we somehow owe him. I don't support his lifestyle and I have as little to do with him as possible but in their time of need (like now with his mom ill) I will be there.

In your case? I would probably pick up things at garage sales or second hand shops for the baby or a few new things even--because its FOR the baby. But, no shower or anything like that. Its hard sometimes to do things for the children without feeling like you are enabling the parent.

It sounds like you would like to push her in the right direction to help herself. Would she take some "loving suggestions" of going back to school and what she could get training in to support her family? I have done that. Brought home school catalogs and information about vo-tech programs. Maybe it will get her to thinking anyway. Some start thinking about the things they want to do and how much money they can make and some don't; but its usually worth a try.

 

[connorlevismom]

Oh, ok. It not the really the fact that she is pregnant but her entitled attitude you have an issue with. That I can understand and I don't blame you for having an issue with it at all. I would resent it too.


In your case? I would probably pick up things at garage sales or second hand shops for the baby or a few new things even--because its FOR the baby. But, no shower or anything like that. Its hard sometimes to do things for the children without feeling like you are enabling the parent.

It sounds like you would like to push her in the right direction to help herself. Would she take some "loving suggestions" of going back to school and what she could get training in to support her family? I have done that. Brought home school catalogs and information about vo-tech programs. Maybe it will get her to thinking anyway. Some start thinking about the things they want to do and how much money they can make and some don't; but its usually worth a try.

Exactly. She feels like she is entitled to everything and that just makes me really mad. She looks around at our family (and we have some very sucessful people in our family) and thinks that she deserves what they have, even though they have worked their butts off to get where they are and she is working part-time (although she sends her son to daycare full-time because she only has to pay little per month) and may not work at all with this next baby. She does not understand that those people she wants to be like started off with little money, and worked their way to where they are. That they are 10+ years older than she is and that puts them in a totally different place in life. Last year she got engaged (to the new baby's dad) and wanted this HUGE wedding and a honeymoon in Jamacia. She thought that she deserved that because other people get it. My sister (who is not her mom but raised her a lot of her life) offered to pay for her wedding dress because they wanted to do that for her. Well, they went shopping and she picked out a $1500 dress! When my sister told her it was a little to expensive she stormed out of the dress shop and told my sister "fine, I want nothing to do with you!". My sister ended up buying her an $800.00 dress and then they called off the wedding. That dress is still in my sisters closet and my niece has not even bothered to offer to pay for it or try and take it back or sell it on Craigslist or something. It is not her problem, she did not buy it. Things like this are why I cannot deal with her.

I don't care if people get pregnant and they are not married. If you have the means to take care of them, have 20 babies!

As for pushing her to go to school. She has done that and my sister paid for that too. She got her AA degree or something that allows her to be a daycare worker. That is what she does, part-time because if she worked full time she would make to much to collect from the govt. That is what she told me.

Kristine

 

[luvsJack]

Exactly. She feels like she is entitled to everything and that just makes me really mad. She looks around at our family (and we have some very sucessful people in our family) and thinks that she deserves what they have, even though they have worked their butts off to get where they are and she is working part-time (although she sends her son to daycare full-time because she only has to pay little per month) and may not work at all with this next baby. She does not understand that those people she wants to be like started off with little money, and worked their way to where they are. That they are 10+ years older than she is and that puts them in a totally different place in life. Last year she got engaged (to the new baby's dad) and wanted this HUGE wedding and a honeymoon in Jamacia. She thought that she deserved that because other people get it. My sister (who is not her mom but raised her a lot of her life) offered to pay for her wedding dress because they wanted to do that for her. Well, they went shopping and she picked out a $1500 dress! When my sister told her it was a little to expensive she stormed out of the dress shop and told my sister "fine, I want nothing to do with you!". My sister ended up buying her an $800.00 dress and then they called off the wedding. That dress is still in my sisters closet and my niece has not even bothered to offer to pay for it or try and take it back or sell it on Craigslist or something. It is not her problem, she did not buy it. Things like this are why I cannot deal with her.

I don't care if people get pregnant and they are not married. If you have the means to take care of them, have 20 babies!

As for pushing her to go to school. She has done that and my sister paid for that too. She got her AA degree or something that allows her to be a daycare worker. That is what she does, part-time because if she worked full time she would make to much to collect from the govt. That is what she told me.

Kristine

She sounds like the kind that will always be exactly where she is because although she wants better she doesn't want to work for it, she just wants soemone to provide it for her.

Maybe she will change with age, but unfortunately the odds are she won't. Being that she has already been given the chance to better herself and she isn't doing it, I'd say the chances of it happening are very unlikely.

Its really sad for her kids, but who knows? They may end up being extremely successful after growing up doing without.

I can certainly see why you don't want to be supportive of her lifestyle. I wouldn't either. All you can really do is be there for her kids.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, I'd stay as far away from this woman you are describing as I possbly could.

I do not think that being related to someone by blood should give them license to take adavantage.

 

[pls5286]

I had to have help from the government when my son was born and also after my divorce as well before my disability was started and thankfully my family stuck by me.

I was working 50-60 hrs a week, but got help to pay for day care for my son so I could work to make my bills.

After my x-husband and I split, I was waiting on a decision on my disability, and I had to go on food stamps and medicaid. I had only child support income to live on. My parents had to pay lots of my bills. Now, I pay all of my bills on my own, but was on gov't asst. for 4 yrs. I was unable to work due to my health. I had had 3 brain operations and 4 strokes and had to get out of an abusive relationship. My family thankfully supported me emotionally and financially during this time.

 

[connorlevismom]

I had to have help from the government when my son was born and also after my divorce as well before my disability was started and thankfully my family stuck by me.

I was working 50-60 hrs a week, but got help to pay for day care for my son so I could work to make my bills.

After my x-husband and I split, I was waiting on a decision on my disability, and I had to go on food stamps and medicaid. I had only child support income to live on. My parents had to pay lots of my bills. Now, I pay all of my bills on my own, but was on gov't asst. for 4 yrs. I was unable to work due to my health. I had had 3 brain operations and 4 strokes and had to get out of an abusive relationship. My family thankfully supported me emotionally and financially during this time.

You are totally the opposite of my niece. She is not working her butt off, she wants to sit on her butt MORE and let people take care of her.

Kristine