Do you think parents sometimes go overboard with rules?

[HeatherC]

Wondering what people think about this? Do you think some parents go overboard with some rules that then alienate their kids?

Don't get me wrong...we have a lot of rules for our kids. But I think what I'm really talking about are some rules that parents set just to prove they are in control and which they don't follow consistently.

For example, last night we were at a family get together. We were all hanging out watching a football game and just chatting...kids included. All of a sudden my neice gets a text and texts one of her friends back. My sil goes crazy and takes the phone away for what she said will be a month. I'm like...are you kidding me? She didn't do anything wrong. Not only that, they never had a texting rule to begin with. I think it's ridiculous. So did my 12 year old dd. IF they had a no texting rule when with family, that's a different story.

Other examples I'm thinking of are "signing contracts" with kids, strict curfews that leave no room for discussion even if it is a special occasion, throwing out kids belongings if their rooms are a mess, etc..

I don't know, I guess I feel that if we treat our kids with respect and give them responsibility, they will rise to the occasion.

Am I way off base here?

Love to hear everyone's thoughts on this.

I do think all of these rules are good for kids. But I guess I think that if you are too strict with them and only enforce them erratically that's when a kid will try to break the rules and start sneaking around.

 

[shortbun]

Most of our rules are common sense and are based on respect. We have no hysterics in our house either by parents or directed at parents. If our son needs some direction, it's usually done quietly or privately. He's 14. Some of his friends were raised with wolves and also get some direction from us, lol! Only one of them has gotten disrespectful with us and even that was handled quietly but firmly. He apologized.

 

[Kae]

Well they might have been having texting issues with her. So they had to set stricter rules for awhile. As far as contracts some kids do need to see things in writing to get the point across & I don't think contracts are any different then having house rules posted or chores.

Kae

 

[HeatherC]

I agree with both of you!

As far as my sil....love her to death. But she has been saying yes to my neice for 15 years....never a no...truly. And now it's coming back to kick her in the butt. Why she picked that moment to make up a rule is beyond me. And my neice is a straight A honor student. Great all around kid.

As for the contracts. I agree that some kids do need to see things in writing. I think I'm talking more about making them sign something and then pulling it out as proof any little time they may veer off cross.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I don't have any kids but I do think sometimes parent's rules do alienate their kids. There was a girl I knew in high school that she was not allowed to go anywhere without her Mom. My group of friends invited her to Busch Gardens one day (10 minutes from where I live) and her Mom came with us and followed right behind us the whole time (we were Juniors). It was very uncomfortable and none of my friends wanted to invite her places with us again. I felt sorry for her as it didn't seem like she had very many friends or people to talk to.

That being said I do sometimes feel like parents treat their kids like they're little adults and are able to handle things like adults when they don't really have the maturity or understanding to do so. Of course, I'm apparently not able to have an opinion about kids until I have some of my own .

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Everyone has different rules. I would not call that "overboard". I would call it an emotional reaction to a situation.

Overboard to me is "overboard".

Like the mother who SAT THERE at her highschoolers side and monitored every site he went to.

And the mother who not allow her dd to see the "girls movie" in 5th grade because she had never talked to her dd about periods and was afraid to. As a result she had to quit the troop because all the girls in it had knowledge of "sex".

 

[NHMom4]

I am thinking of times things have bordered on abuse. A drunk parent whos child had to care and clean for them so the truth would be hidden. This child had all kind of rules meant to ostracize her so she would have no time to be a kid. When she grew up and found some friends who she could trust and tried to break away the abuse turned physical. That is what I think of when someone mentions overboard/strict parenting.

 

[It's A Happy Day]

Wondering what people think about this? Do you think some parents go overboard with some rules that then alienate their kids?

Absolutely but unless I lived with them 24/7 I couldn't tell you from an isolated incident if they were being overboard or not.

My niece (7) lives in a joint custody situation where both parents seem to be playing the "I'm gonna do it 1st with her/be the good parent all the time" game right now and rarely tell her "no." That being said it is not my place to tell them how to raise their daughter and I do not know what goes on all the time. However, if she is at our house she follows our rules and although it took a couple visits, she understands that she may get away with certain things at home she will not get away with it at our house.

 

[Planogirl]

I definitely think that some parents overdo it and I see it right here on these forums sometimes. In my opinion, parents need to teach and guide and slowly loosen the rope so that kids can learn while they still have parents to help them. I think that some kids will end up on their own without a clue because they're never been allowed to experience things.

Just my view, YMMV.

 

[luvmy3]

Yes, I think some parents go overboard with rules however I give them more respect than parents who don't have any.
In your story OP, I think that taking the cell away for a month seems a bit extreme, but maybe your niece is expected to know that its rude because its something that her parents have talked about with her before. I know my kids will.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think that a lot of parents don't have enough rules. Well, they might have rules but they never follow through. Some parents might have extreme rules but overall I think a lot of parents don't actually have any real rules or any that they want to enforce.
As for the texting incident, well, you have no idea what they were dealing with all morning with the kid. I love when we see relatives later in the day and one of the children misbehave. We give the consequences we see fit. The relatives might think we are being harsh but they have no idea what occured before they saw us that day. That might have been the last warning. Who knows?

 

[merrily]

I think that some parents do go overboard with rules and are very rigid in their expectations. Personally, my brother in law was very restrictive with his daughter. There were many things she was never allowed to do. She was always being grounded or punished for something, usually, in my opinion, trivial. She is a great kid, good student. She moved out the day she graduated from high school and got married soon after. I'm not sure she would have done either of those things if her parents, particularly her father, had not been so restrictive. I'm not saying he should have let her do anything she wanted, but there could have been some kind of compromise.

 

[luvmy3]

I think that some parents do go overboard with rules and are very rigid in their expectations. Personally, my brother in law was very restrictive with his daughter. There were many things she was never allowed to do. She was always being grounded or punished for something, usually, in my opinion, trivial. She is a great kid, good student. She moved out the day she graduated from high school and got married soon after. I'm not sure she would have done either of those things if her parents, particularly her father, had not been so restrictive. I'm not saying he should have let her do anything she wanted, but there could have been some kind of compromise.

Maybe she's a great kid because of the rules. My father was very strict, and I can say that I wasn't a very good kid, I rebelled and did things that would put me in an early grave if my kids ever do. If getting married soon after highschool was the worst of it, then that would be just fine with me.
I'm not saying that I'm super strict, or plan to be, just that there are worse things that your niece could have done because of her father's rules, thats all.

 

[pearlieq]

Other examples I'm thinking of are "signing contracts" with kids

This one never bothered me. Especially for older kids, I think it's very helpful to have everything spelled out, with a clear map of "If X, then Y".

My aunt and uncle wrote up a contract with my cousin spelling out the conditions under which they would provide him a car and auto insurance. I think it was very sensible and actually benefitted him, since he knew exactly where he stood and wasn't subject to on-the-spot decisions or whims.

With that being said, I do know what you mean, OP. I think some people seek to control their kids just for the sake of controlling them. Unfortunately, reproducing is not restricted to people of sound mental health who have worked out all of their issues. I know a family like this and my heart breaks for their kids.

 

[bicker]

I'm not so sure I've seen a lot of "too many rules" but I do worry, sometimes, with what I've seen, about sometimes parents sending their children off of a proverbial ledge. What I mean by that is that things like this need to reflect normal human stuff, so going from having loads of really stringent rules to having no rules is pretty dangerous. At some point, all children are going to be out on their own, subject to their own mediation, and if they haven't been prepared, by having been given increasingly more and more personal responsibility and control over their own lives, then it'll be bad. I cringe when I heard "as long as you're living in my house..." It makes some semblance of sense, of course: I say quite often (about WDW things), "Their house; their rules." However, what is best for establishing control and consistency is not always the best approach to take, if your objective is developing character and maturity.

 

[PatsMom]

I've seen many instances where I thought parents of high school students were being a big overboard with rules. We tried to have a sensible approach. As my daughter got older, the rules became less strict. She basically earned privileges by following rules in the early high school years.

By the time she got a car (almost 17) she did not have a curfew. She was expected to tell us what time she would be home. If there was going to be a problem arriving on time, she was expected to call. We tried to prepare her for life at college where she is making her own decisions on where she will go and when she will return to her dorm room. We wanted her to be prepared to make good decisions and so far it seems to have worked.

She comes home on weekends to work and is now on winter break. Using the theory of "my house, my rules" we still require that she inform us of what time she will return home if she goes out. That is just common courtesy at this point so that we don't worry.

I do like the idea of contracts with your children, in theory. The only one we ever did was the drunk driving contract required by driver's ed. The one where you pick the code for your child to use on the phone if they want a ride home because either they or someone else has been drinking.

The thought of following a 16 year old around a theme park just kills me. I can't imagine doing that. The child will never learn to make his or her own decisions wisely. At 16, my daughter and her friend were wandering around Disney with cell phones and a scheduled meeting time. It is a perfect example of a parent going overboard. My daughter tells me that kids who had very restrictive parents seem to be some of the biggest drinkers/partiers at college - its like they can make choices for the first time and they are not making good ones.

 

[HeatherC]

You guys have all made great points. I guess I worry sometimes that the kids that have so many strict rules are the ones that do go crazy when they go to college. Or they tend to rebel just for the sake of rebelling.

I guess balance is key and that's the tough part as a parent..finding that balance and maintaining it.

 

[kafitty]

yes. my mom was one of them. i mean, i definitely turned out okay, but i went through hell as a kid.

Yes, I think some parents go overboard with rules however I give them more respect than parents who don't have any.

good point.

I'm not so sure I've seen a lot of "too many rules" but I do worry, sometimes, with what I've seen, about sometimes parents sending their children off of a proverbial ledge. What I mean by that is that things like this need to reflect normal human stuff, so going from having loads of really stringent rules to having no rules is pretty dangerous. At some point, all children are going to be out on their own, subject to their own mediation, and if they haven't been prepared, by having been given increasingly more and more personal responsibility and control over their own lives, then it'll be bad. I cringe when I heard "as long as you're living in my house..." It makes some semblance of sense, of course: I say quite often (about WDW things), "Their house; their rules." However, what is best for establishing control and consistency is not always the best approach to take, if your objective is developing character and maturity.

well said!

 

[5lilfish]

The few friends of mine from high school that had very strict, borderline unreasonable parents, all majorly rebelled in college. They lied to their parents all the time in high school so that they could have a life and as soon as they got out from under their parent's thumb they went crazy. They had NO self discipline. For the first time in their lives they were free to make a few choices and they were not very good at it.

My parents were much more laid back. Maybe they were lucky because I was such a squeeky clean kid. I just know that even in my teen years, I knew that I could go to my parents and they would be reasonable. I also knew that the biggest reason that was true was because they knew they could trust me. So, I never wanted to do anything to ruin that trust. At the same time, I was allowed to do things that some of my friends would have never been allowed to do (and I'm not talking about anything crazy...just staying out a little later, going to a hockey game alone with a friend, or having friends over when my parents were not home).

Bottom line... I do think that you can create just as many problems by being too strict as you can by not paying any attention to what your kids are doing.

Jess

 

[mamacatnv]

I think sometimes parents show off in front of family/friends when they are otherwise indulgent.

I'm pretty strict but I would not say we have a lot of set in stone rules. Almost everything is negotiable. DS is now 20, never had a curfew and was never on restriction, ever that I can think of. He drove at 16 with a car we provided but only after he paid the insurance and made the gpa requirement. He knew the standard and he knew we were serious and it was no big deal to us if he didn't do what he was supposed to do and had to take the school bus. We established who was in charge when he was young and to this day he still knows who that is.

He is a college sophomore with a full load, a part time job and his own student apt. I think he is doing pretty good, we help him out, but he makes a lot of his own decisions, spends his own $$ and has to deal with his own screw ups. I think we helped him develop good tools for all of these things by allowing him to be independent with a lot of guidance and standards as he grew up.

What bugs me is my co-worker whose kid does something and they come in here to work and brag that their kid is on restriction for X amount of time (usually weeks) and I always think, what do you do now? If you take away the phone, put them on restriction etc. for weeks on end what bargaining power do you really have? They always cave and both co-workers who are like this have beastly kids yet they think they are strict parents with lots of rules. Honestly, my kids with fewer rules and more standards are better behaved.

I'm big on quick and over with ie....take the bus to school today, you are not driving, I'll pick you up after school. It doesn't take weeks of that to get a point across, 1 day is pretty effective to the teen set.

My DD is 11 - having to go to bed early without a book is torture, works wonders.

I don't care what their rooms look like and I am not adamant that the bed gets made, but I do care what the rest of my house looks like etc.