Do you think parents sometimes go overboard with rules?

[Judy from Boise]

To me "rules" should be the values of your family like respect, courtesy, sharedwork, and personal responsibility.

Most actions you would find find fault with should be because they went counter to an agreed apon value. Besides that "rules" to me seem like a sign of either laziness or a small mind. How can you pre-decide issues when most decisions we make should be weighed with all of the contextual data? A rule like "no dating till you're 16" takes out all of the contextual issues like What kind of date, with whom, going where, supervised how etc . By having the conversation with your child as each request comes up you have an opportunity to reinforce all the life lessons you want them to internalize.

 

[PatsMom]

I think sometimes parents show off in front of family/friends when they are otherwise indulgent.

I'm pretty strict but I would not say we have a lot of set in stone rules. Almost everything is negotiable. DS is now 20, never had a curfew and was never on restriction, ever that I can think of. He drove at 16 with a car we provided but only after he paid the insurance and made the gpa requirement. He knew the standard and he knew we were serious and it was no big deal to us if he didn't do what he was supposed to do and had to take the school bus. We established who was in charge when he was young and to this day he still knows who that is.

He is a college sophomore with a full load, a part time job and his own student apt. I think he is doing pretty good, we help him out, but he makes a lot of his own decisions, spends his own $$ and has to deal with his own screw ups. I think we helped him develop good tools for all of these things by allowing him to be independent with a lot of guidance and standards as he grew up.

What bugs me is my co-worker whose kid does something and they come in here to work and brag that their kid is on restriction for X amount of time (usually weeks) and I always think, what do you do now? If you take away the phone, put them on restriction etc. for weeks on end what bargaining power do you really have? They always cave and both co-workers who are like this have beastly kids yet they think they are strict parents with lots of rules. Honestly, my kids with fewer rules and more standards are better behaved.

I'm big on quick and over with ie....take the bus to school today, you are not driving, I'll pick you up after school. It doesn't take weeks of that to get a point across, 1 day is pretty effective to the teen set.

My DD is 11 - having to go to bed early without a book is torture, works wonders.

I don't care what their rooms look like and I am not adamant that the bed gets made, but I do care what the rest of my house looks like etc.

I did have the same rule about not caring what she did in her bedroom. I just wanted a clear path from the bed to the door in case of emergency. Other than that, I just closed the door when it annoyed me. But in the rest of the house she was expected to pick up after herself. Even now with her at college, I've left her room alone for the time being.

 

[golfgal]

The few friends of mine from high school that had very strict, borderline unreasonable parents, all majorly rebelled in college. They lied to their parents all the time in high school so that they could have a life and as soon as they got out from under their parent's thumb they went crazy. They had NO self discipline. For the first time in their lives they were free to make a few choices and they were not very good at it.

My parents were much more laid back. Maybe they were lucky because I was such a squeeky clean kid. I just know that even in my teen years, I knew that I could go to my parents and they would be reasonable. I also knew that the biggest reason that was true was because they knew they could trust me. So, I never wanted to do anything to ruin that trust. as the same time, I was allowed to do things that some of my friends would have never been allowed to do (and I'm not talking about anything crazy...just staying out a little later, going to a hockey game alone with a friend, or having friends over when my parents were home).

Bottom line... I do think that you can create just as many problems by being too strict as you can by not paying any attention to what your kids are doing.

Jess

Ding, Ding, Ding--we have a winner!!! This is EXACTLY why kids need to start having some freedom early on. As a toddler, do you want the blue shirt or the red shirt but don't let him wear the yellow shirt because he throws a tantrum, to going to movies with friends as a tween to driving a car and being responsible enough to be home when you are supposed to be home.

Rules should be there for a REASON and if you don't have a good reason--and because I read it in a book that we should be doing this is NOT a good reason--then there shouldn't be a rule.

It is like all the cell phone rules people have--WHY? Why not let them figure out what a reasonable amount of use is? Of course someone that gets a new phone is going to use it ALL THE TIME for a week or so, then it gets old and they move on and settle into a good pattern that works for them.

Our kids have quite a bit of freedom but they also don't have an issue when we ask them not to do something-like text at the dinner table or when they are visiting with Grandma and Grandpa since they don't see them very often. It isn't a big deal to them then.

My sister's kids are not allowed to go downstairs in the morning before she or her DH get up and go down--why, I have NO idea. It is a foolish rule just to have a rule. Her kids are in 8th, 5th and 2nd grade. Oh, and they are not allowed to pick out their own clothes each day either-mom has to approve everything they wear--WHY so she doesn't look bad in front of her friends??

I think some people think the more rules they have the better parents they are and it is probably the opposite (to a point). Having reasonable rules makes you a good parent.

 

[5lilfish]

Ding, Ding, Ding--we have a winner!!! This is EXACTLY why kids need to start having some freedom early on. As a toddler, do you want the blue shirt or the red shirt but don't let him wear the yellow shirt because he throws a tantrum, to going to movies with friends as a tween to driving a car and being responsible enough to be home when you are supposed to be home.

Rules should be there for a REASON and if you don't have a good reason--and because I read it in a book that we should be doing this is NOT a good reason--then there shouldn't be a rule.

It is like all the cell phone rules people have--WHY? Why not let them figure out what a reasonable amount of use is? Of course someone that gets a new phone is going to use it ALL THE TIME for a week or so, then it gets old and they move on and settle into a good pattern that works for them.

Our kids have quite a bit of freedom but they also don't have an issue when we ask them not to do something-like text at the dinner table or when they are visiting with Grandma and Grandpa since they don't see them very often. It isn't a big deal to them then.

My sister's kids are not allowed to go downstairs in the morning before she or her DH get up and go down--why, I have NO idea. It is a foolish rule just to have a rule. Her kids are in 8th, 5th and 2nd grade. Oh, and they are not allowed to pick out their own clothes each day either-mom has to approve everything they wear--WHY so she doesn't look bad in front of her friends??

I think some people think the more rules they have the better parents they are and it is probably the opposite (to a point). Having reasonable rules makes you a good parent.

I agree....obviously, since you quoted my first post.

Sometimes it is the hardest thing to let my kids do things. It's scary to let go. The day I let my 3rd child go on an all day outing with a friend from preschool (she was 5 at the time), I was a wreck. I still let her go. I had no good reason not to let her go and I knew she would have a great time. My kids are now 12, 11, 10 and twin 2's. I let the older 3 ride their bikes around the block. I let the oldest 2 walk home from school (about half a mile) on nice days. My 10 yr old can make herself eggs on the stove (I am close by). The goal is to raise my kids to become independent people. They NEED to make a few mistakes along the way. If they aren't given a chance to do that now, then how the heck are they going to survive when they go off to college.

I don't like hard fast rules that have no real purpose. For example....my girls will not be allowed to get earings until they are 12. Ummm...how do you know they won't be ready sooner...or maybe even that they still won't be ready at 12? I also don't believe that just because I didn't let child A do something until they were 10 that automatically means Child B can't do it until he/she is 10. He/She is a different person and might be ready sooner..or later.

Jess

 

[aprilgail2]

I cringe when I heard "as long as you're living in my house..." It makes some semblance of sense, of course: I say quite often (about WDW things), "Their house; their rules." However, what is best for establishing control and consistency is not always the best approach to take, if your objective is developing character and maturity.

I can not STAND the phrase- my house my rules...I think that is terrible!

I did have the same rule about not caring what she did in her bedroom. I just wanted a clear path from the bed to the door in case of emergency. Other than that, I just closed the door when it annoyed me. But in the rest of the house she was expected to pick up after herself. Even now with her at college, I've left her room alone for the time being.

That is what my parents did and that is what I do with my daughter--her room she can keep it however she wants--she wants to live in a pig sty that is up to her--all I ask is that she does not keep food in there or anything that will attract rodents or ants....

 

[cheermom1]

I think that some parents do go overboard with rules and are very rigid in their expectations. Personally, my brother in law was very restrictive with his daughter. There were many things she was never allowed to do. She was always being grounded or punished for something, usually, in my opinion, trivial. She is a great kid, good student. She moved out the day she graduated from high school and got married soon after. I'm not sure she would have done either of those things if her parents, particularly her father, had not been so restrictive. I'm not saying he should have let her do anything she wanted, but there could have been some kind of compromise.

Maybe she's a great kid because of the rules. My father was very strict, and I can say that I wasn't a very good kid, I rebelled and did things that would put me in an early grave if my kids ever do. If getting married soon after highschool was the worst of it, then that would be just fine with me.
I'm not saying that I'm super strict, or plan to be, just that there are worse things that your niece could have done because of her father's rules, thats all.

I can see both sides of this --my cousins had a very restrictive life and I told my mom when I very young that the day they turned 18 they would leave and never come back..I was right they even sent a letter to their parents telling them they were cut off from their life and to this day they haven't talked to them or anything else..they both have kids and married and it has been like almost 10 years...

 

[cheermom1]

The few friends of mine from high school that had very strict, borderline unreasonable parents, all majorly rebelled in college. They lied to their parents all the time in high school so that they could have a life and as soon as they got out from under their parent's thumb they went crazy. They had NO self discipline. For the first time in their lives they were free to make a few choices and they were not very good at it.

My parents were much more laid back. Maybe they were lucky because I was such a squeeky clean kid. I just know that even in my teen years, I knew that I could go to my parents and they would be reasonable. I also knew that the biggest reason that was true was because they knew they could trust me. So, I never wanted to do anything to ruin that trust. At the same time, I was allowed to do things that some of my friends would have never been allowed to do (and I'm not talking about anything crazy...just staying out a little later, going to a hockey game alone with a friend, or having friends over when my parents were not home).

Bottom line... I do think that you can create just as many problems by being too strict as you can by not paying any attention to what your kids are doing.

Jess

that is what happened with my cousins ...it took a while for them to understand how to be a normal person with good choices...

 

[NAB]

I am a strict parent. My son is only 12 and I seem to be telling him that all the time....because you are 12.

He wants to stay out later.
He wants to get M type games for his systems
He wants 18+ movie or go to them.

the list goes on but all his friends get to do these things. I have seen some of it first hand and it drives me crazy. So I do say our house our rules.

In my case when disciplining my kids when we are over at family, is your doomed if you say something and your doomed if you don't. My sisters family will leave and you will here from the rest why didn't she stop so- and so from doing that. So you stop your kids and then they say leave them alone , or boy your strict. Can't win so I do what I think is right.

Another thing is everyone says my kids are great well behaved etc. but like someone said they don't see them 24/7 like we do. Sometimes we say, are we talking about the same kid.

 

[Judy from Boise]

But I am guessing that you have in the past taken the time to discuss why you don't want "m" games in the house(it glorifies violence, uses profanity etc) and attached them to a value? No to staying out late because it will affect his school performance, and that is his "job" at the moment?
I'm pretty sure you didn't start out "because you're 12"

 

[NAB]

But I am guessing that you have in the past taken the time to discuss why you don't want "m" games in the house(it glorifies violence, uses profanity etc) and attached them to a value? No to staying out late because it will affect his school performance, and that is his "job" at the moment?
I'm pretty sure you didn't start out "because you're 12"

This is so true but when he doesn't listen to my reasoning I resort to" your only 12". Funny part is I let him go to church dances and my family will say he is only 12 why do you let him go , we never went to dance until high school . So you see I can't win.

 

[metalis4ever]

I think either extreme is bad....Looking back on my own experience I would say that overall my parents were strict but they were more of the guardrail type parents....If got too close to the sides they'd bump me back to the middle..I think that style provided me with opportunity to live and learn as opposed to an overly strict environment where one would just want to break free at every possible turn....

I never have agreed with the whole notion of censorship, meaning no "m" rated games or "rebellious" music....Lets put it this way I was watching R rated movies in the 3rd grade, faces of death in the 5th and started listening to Death Metal in the 6th and I turned out to be perfectly normal...well besides my obsession with Disney

In other words in my humble opinion guardrails are good, cages are bad

 

[Acklander]

I think personality has a lot to do with it as well. DH and I are both very laid back, wing it type people and aren't big on control. So for us, not having as many "rules and contracts" but instead letting the kids find their own way with gentle guidance has worked.

 

[Sparx]

i feel that some parents go overboard, and some definitely do not have enough. i knew a person in high school who had unlimited texting on his cell phone, and he gave his mother the money for that to be on his phone. (i think it was $10.00 a month?) and she STILL set a limit on how many of his unlimited texts he could send and receive. yes, she told him how many texts other people could send him. and if he went over his amount (it was very very low. like maybe 100? send/receive total) she would take his phone away from him. i really felt like she was just trying to prove she was in control (of everyone, because he got in trouble if people SENT him too many!)

 

[cheermom1]

I think personality has a lot to do with it as well. DH and I are both very laid back, wing it type people and aren't big on control. So for us, not having as many "rules and contracts" but instead letting the kids find their own way with gentle guidance has worked.

I agree...when I talked about my cousins I was meaning that they kept then in cages (metaphorically) ...They were raised in the middle of nowhere and home schooled with no friends and raised in a church that was consistently changing it's beliefs to fit what the leader wanted at that moment...what I mean is that one day the leader announced he banned certain names and no one was allowed to name their kid that and if they already had they had to change them...my cousin had one of those names and they changed ...that type of stuff...

my cousins weren't even allowed to be around family b/c we were all evil..now my cousins have a relationship with all us but not their parents...

I know this is exstream but I wanted to show the idea...

But on the other hand I have friends that have told me that they wish their parents had given them more rules when they were kids...there is a middle ground...

 

[Acklander]

:

But on the other hand I have friends that have told me that they wish their parents had given them more rules when they were kids...there is a middle ground...

Sure, if you're the type of person who likes a lot of structure in your life, I could see where you wouldn't be comfortable with a "whatever" type lifestyle and would wish that your parents had more rules and boundries.
Just like if you're a free spirit, you would probably feel stifled in a family with every moment accounted for.
We've all seen the families where you'll have a bunch of high achieving kids with the A type personalities yet there will be one kid who's a dreamer who prefers to just coast by - Or like on "Family Ties" where the Hippie parents were raising Alex P Keaton. The term "Black sheep of the family" wasn't invented yesterday.
I guess to be a truly exceptional parent you'd have the wisdom to see each child for who they are, and raise them accordingly. Unfortunately, instead of seeing each child for who they are, we tend to see each child for who we want them to be, and that's a shame.

 

[Disneycrazy!!]

I actually have been accused of being to restrictive with my DD who is 12 by a mother who never says NO to her child. My child has chores to do and I've been told soooo many times that is wrong. Her chores are keeping bathroom cleaned, folding clothes, walking dogs and she unloads the dishwasher. I don't think that is being to hard. But this is coming from a woman who's house is filthy, no chores for her daughter and has dog poop and pee behind their toilet.
Also, I don't let my daughter walk around the mall alone. This same woman says I'm to hard on her. I guess because I don't want her kidnapped, I'm being an evil mother???
Same rules apply when staying with friends...she is NOT allowed to walk up and down the streets. I think that is just asking for trouble.
Oh and we are also bad parents because we make her wear a one piece bathing suit or a modest two piece that is shorts and tanktop.

 

[locolala]

I do think there are parents out there who go way overboard with rules and limitations. For example, my cousin is turning 11 this year. He's not allowed to play in the back yard (fenced in) without his mom or dad being there. There's no pool or anything that could be dangerous. The fence is privacy fencing and there's a padlock on the gate.

We will insist that our kids keep their rooms tidy. They need to learn to respect the things they own, and that clothes don't belong on the floor.. they belong in the hamper or in the dresser if they are clean. If they don't pick up their belongings after multiple warnings, they will lose them.. perhaps not forever but at least temporarily. We won't have tons and tons of rules, but there will be consequences for not following the rules that we do set. Grades will be maintained at average or above average, and skipping school will not be tolerated. I did it twice in high school, the second time my dad went to school with me and followed me everywhere. I never did it again. DH and I were both allowed to ride our bikes or walk around the neighborhood. We had 2 or 3 streetlights in the whole neighborhood and no sidewalks. I can't remember ever wearing a helmet. I know there are now laws about helmets so they will have to wear them according to the laws. No cell phones until they're either driving or involved in activities that will require them to be picked up when they're finished. I can't stand seeing kids just sitting and texting, I think they're rotting their brains lol. Same goes for video games. We will allow them to have X amount of time with TV or non-educational video games, the rest of the time they either need to be playing on their own inside or outside, or doing something else productive (studying, reading, chores etc). Again, this is how DH and I were both raised, and we turned out pretty well!

 

[luvmy3]

i feel that some parents go overboard, and some definitely do not have enough. i knew a person in high school who had unlimited texting on his cell phone, and he gave his mother the money for that to be on his phone. (i think it was $10.00 a month?) and she STILL set a limit on how many of his unlimited texts he could send and receive. yes, she told him how many texts other people could send him. and if he went over his amount (it was very very low. like maybe 100? send/receive total) she would take his phone away from him. i really felt like she was just trying to prove she was in control (of everyone, because he got in trouble if people SENT him too many!)

I don't have a problem with this at all, in fact I will have a similiar rule with my dd because I don't want her to turn out like 3/4 of the teens I see who can't stop texting long enough to actualy hold a conversation. My kids will not be allowed to be constantly distracted by their phones. The only reason we will have unlimited text on our plan is so that I don't end up with a $500 texting bill, its not going to be on there just so that my kids CAN text unlimitedly. If that means I'm going overboard on the rules, I can live with that

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sure, if you're the type of person who likes a lot of structure in your life, I could see where you wouldn't be comfortable with a "whatever" type lifestyle and would wish that your parents had more rules and boundries.
Just like if you're a free spirit, you would probably feel stifled in a family with every moment accounted for.
We've all seen the families where you'll have a bunch of high achieving kids with the A type personalities yet there will be one kid who's a dreamer who prefers to just coast by - Or like on "Family Ties" where the Hippie parents were raising Alex P Keaton. The term "Black sheep of the family" wasn't invented yesterday.
I guess to be a truly exceptional parent you'd have the wisdom to see each child for who they are, and raise them accordingly. Unfortunately, instead of seeing each child for who they are, we tend to see each child for who we want them to be, and that's a shame.

We try to do the middle ground thing. We do tend to be a little more "laid back" with most things, not all though, we are not stupid.

My dd's who are 18 and 13 prefer the structure. So we had to adapt and be more strict at times.

It is funny you should mention Alex P Keaton. That would be my 13yodd. She wants to go into business. Right now she is in counseling trying to figure out how to overcome her anxiety due to the fact she places high expectations on herself.

We cannot change who she is so she is learning how to be successful and reach her goals. Our laid back attutide is not a match with her for our family's style. She cannot multi-task under pressure where we can.

I think we are making great progress. She has a calendar on the fridge where she organizes her stuff that is due and her school planner where she lists the assignments, appts, etc.

 

[cheermom1]

I actually have been accused of being to restrictive with my DD who is 12 by a mother who never says NO to her child. My child has chores to do and I've been told soooo many times that is wrong. Her chores are keeping bathroom cleaned, folding clothes, walking dogs and she unloads the dishwasher. I don't think that is being to hard. But this is coming from a woman who's house is filthy, no chores for her daughter and has dog poop and pee behind their toilet.
Also, I don't let my daughter walk around the mall alone. This same woman says I'm to hard on her. I guess because I don't want her kidnapped, I'm being an evil mother???
Same rules apply when staying with friends...she is NOT allowed to walk up and down the streets. I think that is just asking for trouble.
Oh and we are also bad parents because we make her wear a one piece bathing suit or a modest two piece that is shorts and tanktop.

You are not a bad mom for this ..I do the same things to my dd..just the day before yesterday we got into it b/c she wanted to walk up and down the streets ..LOL (we live in a very small town, not one stop light) but still I don't think so...she tried to say that all her friends do and don't know why she can't even their parents said I was being too hard...

I don't want her kidnapped or anything please it happens even in small towns...what is she thinking????

plus my kids have chores too they have to keep their rooms clean, do their own laundry, and do the dishes and pick up THEIR things from the rest of the house...and NO they do not get allowance for this...I feel that we are one family living in one house and we all need to pull our own weight...they get money other ways...

this one got my dh crap from his ex (chores) I felt like it wasn't fair to me and my kids or the step kids for them not cleaning their own messes ..either I had to clean their rooms and other things they messed up or my kids had too (dh doesn't clean house he keeps the outside clean, fine with me) so I started having then take the last hour to clean their messes before they went back to their mom's...soooo she called and screamed about me making her kids my slaves...uuummm NO if they didn't it makes me THEIR slave!!! it took a while but I refused to clean their messes and it built up over a very long time to were they couldn't get in their room ..let just say that after dh had to clean that up he no longer says a word to me when I have them clean LOL...

my point is that if you don't have some kind of medium ground either you or your kids are going to feel stifled...and it is not good wither way..