Do you think "I'm going on a diet next week" is a valid excuse?

[NHdisneylover]

Well, I am in the camp of seeing nothing wrong with yous SIL's original response to the invite and further, I was impressed how graciously she handled your first rude questioning of her motives. I feel you alone stirred up all the drama and fuss with rude responses and not letting it go.

I also agree that it is odd to be so pushy about getting someone who is not relatd to your mom to go to her party.

I understand tht there is a lot of history driving your resentment and reponse to this one issue. However, your downright refusal to see outside perspectives and admit that perhaps you were wrong or perhaps it is okay for your sister I law
to not come to THiS event, causes me to question how much of that history is made of similar situations in which you are the instigator of drama .

In short, I feel that you either need to learn how to control your actions and treat your SIL civilly and without using past issues as a basis for you making mountains out of innocent situations now, or you should accept that you will never be able to get along with her and make an effort to not be together except when required at family functions.. That would probably make things much easier for both of you.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Exactly. She doesn't need a "valid" reason. Her valid reason is that she doesn't want to go. Period. Further details are none of the OP's business.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Oh I see it thought it was the mother of SIL's husband. In any case, it sounds like there are deep rooted problems, hopefully you two can sit down together in the future and have an in depth talk about your problems with each other. Family shouldn't have any rifts together. I hope you guys work things out, it was nice of you to try and include her in your life but obviously she does not seem deserving of your friendship. I agree you shouldn't have pushed the matter, but what's done is done. Just leave it be and talk at another time.

I think the problem with th OP and the sister in law comes down to the OP's thinking that the sister in law should have said your wish is my demand and not have the audacity to refuse to go the the party the OP planned. With that attitude are you surprised she doesn't want to socialise with you, she is not obliged to do what you want whether it is go to your mother's birthday or to your daughter's graduation.

 

[sparklynails23]

I guess all families are different. We vacationed with my sister's in-laws, more than once. If they had birthday, DH and I would go. I think it depends on the family dynamic, and OP thought she and the SIL were close enough friends that the SIL would be there for the party. That apparently is not the case, which is why I said if the SIL can't put the invitation over her eating compulsion, she isn't much of a friend.

 

[Allison]

I guess all families are different. We vacationed with my sister's in-laws, more than once. If they had birthday, DH and I would go. I think it depends on the family dynamic, and OP thought she and the SIL were close enough friends that the SIL would be there for the party. That apparently is not the case, which is why I said if the SIL can't put the invitation over her eating compulsion, she isn't much of a friend.

I guess I did not get the impression that the op thought they were close friends given the less than flattering things she said about her on this thread.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I guess all families are different. We vacationed with my sister's in-laws, more than once. If they had birthday, DH and I would go. I think it depends on the family dynamic, and OP thought she and the SIL were close enough friends that the SIL would be there for the party. That apparently is not the case, which is why I said if the SIL can't put the invitation over her eating compulsion, she isn't much of a friend.

Considering the OP has all but called her SIL a selfish overweight B-word, close friends is not the words I would use to describe their relationship.

 

[sparklynails23]

SIL is OP's daughter's godmother, OP invites SIL to tea with the other SIL's, OP supports SIL in all of her weight loss attempts, OP invites SIL to birthdays and graduations. Sounds like they are friendly or at least like OP is trying to be SIL's friend.

SIL sounds like a nut. Steal her joy? What the heck is that? She hasn't even started the diet. She should be filled with dread, not joy.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I guess all families are different. We vacationed with my sister's in-laws, more than once. If they had birthday, DH and I would go. I think it depends on the family dynamic, and OP thought she and the SIL were close enough friends that the SIL would be there for the party. That apparently is not the case, which is why I said if the SIL can't put the invitation over her eating compulsion, she isn't much of a friend.

But this isn't about your family or my family. I recently went to a baby shower for someone who is.....well, take notes to figure it out my girlfriend's ex husband's current wife's daughter who is having a baby. It was pretty funny because we all went around in a circle saying how we knew the parents-to-be. Most everyone had an "interesting" conncection. If got to me and I simply said my name and that I am J's girlfriend. I have no idea how many people knew that she's gay, but you could have heard a pin drop, but that only lasted for a couple seconds before it was business as usual.

BUT this isn't about my family and how they include or don't include inlaws or ex-inlaws.

The OP has a history with her SIL. My guess is that there's another side to this story. Not saying that what the OP says isn't true, but it is her side of things. It's that history that's coloring the current situation. I also think it would be nice of the OP to backpedal a bit and call her SIL and apologize and say that she was out of line and tell her that it would be great if they could drop in, even for just a little while. Help the SIL to feel wanted, not judged.

There's a saying that goes something like "Would you rather be right or happy?". I've always said I want to be both but with time I am learning that as much as I need to set boundaries with some people and situations, I also sometimes let go of my ego and choose happiness over insisting that I am right.

I hope that the OP and her SIL can have a heart to heart and let go of the past situations and start over. They don't have to be best of friends, however they do need to be civil since there will be shared celebrations and occasions in the future.

 

[sparklynails23]

But this isn't about your family or my family. I recently went to a baby shower for someone who is.....well, take notes to figure it out my girlfriend's ex husband's current wife's daughter who is having a baby. It was pretty funny because we all went around in a circle saying how we knew the parents-to-be. Most everyone had an "interesting" conncection. If got to me and I simply said my name and that I am J's girlfriend. I have no idea how many people knew that she's gay, but you could have heard a pin drop, but that only lasted for a couple seconds before it was business as usual.

BUT this isn't about my family and how they include or don't include inlaws or ex-inlaws.

The OP has a history with her SIL. My guess is that there's another side to this story. Not saying that what the OP says isn't true, but it is her side of things. It's that history that's coloring the current situation. I also think it would be nice of the OP to backpedal a bit and call her SIL and apologize and say that she was out of line and tell her that it would be great if they could drop in, even for just a little while. Help the SIL to feel wanted, not judged.

There's a saying that goes something like "Would you rather be right or happy?". I've always said I want to be both but with time I am learning that as much as I need to set boundaries with some people and situations, I also sometimes let go of my ego and choose happiness over insisting that I am right.

I hope that the OP and her SIL can have a heart to heart and let go of the past situations and start over. They don't have to be best of friends, however they do need to be civil since there will be shared celebrations and occasions in the future.

I don't think the OP was looking for info on "healing" their relationship. She wants to know if going on a diet is a good excuse. I think it's a stupid excuse, unless the person giving the excuse doesn't give a crap about her feelings. So, I'm telling the OP that she's tried hard enough to be this "Christian" SIL's friend and she should just forget about it. She obviously has good relationships with the other relatives, so why bother letting this one "steal her joy?"

You are right in that this isn't about anyone else's families. That's why I was pointing out that some people will go to a SIL's mother's birthday and consider non-blood relatives family. So many posters found that to be absurd. Sorry if you didn't make that connection. And all posts on a message board are one-sided.

 

[Allison]

SIL is OP's daughter's godmother, OP invites SIL to tea with the other SIL's, OP supports SIL in all of her weight loss attempts, OP invites SIL to birthdays and graduations. Sounds like they are friendly or at least like OP is trying to be SIL's friend.

SIL sounds like a nut. Steal her joy? What the heck is that? She hasn't even started the diet. She should be filled with dread, not joy.

I guess I don't see the support in the weight loss attempts since the op referenced fad diets, that she has blown a bunch of money on it, that she has never been successful and that she thinks the sil is jealous and extremely selfish and into herself.

That is not the kind of support I would want.

 

[crashbb]

I guess I don't see the support in the weight loss attempts since the op referenced fad diets, that she has blown a bunch of money on it, that she has never been successful and that she thinks the sil is jealous.

I'm with you - I don't see any evidence of support for her SIL's weight loss attempts. As for the invitations meaning that the OP is trying to be her SIL's friend - it is curious that the SIL seems only to be invited to events at which one would expect her to bring a gift to a member of the OP's family...

The OP may well be a perfect angel and her SIL may be the devil incarnate - I just don't see how one can make the decision based on the posts here. Not that one can make the decision the other way, but however it is (likely somewhere in the middle), in the situation described in the OP, the OP definitely had her share of blame in terms of rudeness and drama escalation.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I guess I did not get the impression that the op thought they were close friends given the less than flattering things she said about her on this thread.

This

I guess I don't see the support in the weight loss attempts since the op referenced fad diets, that she has blown a bunch of money on it, that she has never been successful and that she thinks the sil is jealous and extremely selfish and into herself.

That is not the kind of support I would want.

And this.

 

[sparklynails23]

I'm sure the OP gives the usual support- "You look great! Have you lost weight?"

I'll believe the OP over somebody that would accuse her of stealing dieting joy. That's just weird. And yeah, I'm sure the OP is just present grabbing. That's why she invited the SIL to a luncheon that she is paying for. Come on. That's silly.

 

[Allison]

I'm sure the OP gives the usual support- "You look great! Have you lost weight?"

I'll believe the OP over somebody that would accuse her of stealing dieting joy. That's just weird. And yeah, I'm sure the OP is just present grabbing. That's why she invited the SIL to a luncheon that she is paying for. Come on. That's silly.

Not be snarky at all, but why would you be sure of that?

 

[crashbb]

The OP never said that she was paying for the lunch.

 

[crashbb]

Not be snarky at all, but why would you be sure of that?

Given how the OP talks in this thread, I'd be willing to bet the opposite.

 

[sparklynails23]

Not be snarky at all, but why would you be sure of that?

That's just what people do. They were even doing a diet together. The SIL wouldn't have tried to do a diet with the OP if she didn't find her supportive. I do believe SIL is probably jealous of OP's weight loss. Maybe her weight is the real major reason she doesn't like to show up for family birthdays and events, which would be too bad and still not a valid excuse.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I don't think the OP was looking for info on "healing" their relationship. She wants to know if going on a diet is a good excuse. I think it's a stupid excuse, unless the person giving the excuse doesn't give a crap about her feelings. So, I'm telling the OP that she's tried hard enough to be this "Christian" SIL's friend and she should just forget about it. She obviously has good relationships with the other relatives, so why bother letting this one "steal her joy?"

You are right in that this isn't about anyone else's families. That's why I was pointing out that some people will go to a SIL's mother's birthday and consider non-blood relatives family. So many posters found that to be absurd. Sorry if you didn't make that connection. And all posts on a message board are one-sided.

No, the OP was looking for validation. Many people said it was a good enough reason. Some people will do a lot of things including going to a non-blood members party. Oh and thanks for telling me the OP wasn't looking for healing. Good thing you are privy to what she is looking for. Interesting.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Not be snarky at all, but why would you be sure of that?

I was wondering the same thing...yet again, interesting.

 

[sam_gordon]

No, the OP was looking for validation.
<snip>
Good thing you are privy to what she is looking for. Interesting.

Interesting.