Do you parent differently then your spouse?

[sunlver]

I know, in a perfect world, mother and father would be on the complete same page as each other when it comes to parenting?

I am not afraid to admit, we do not parent the same.

Is there any other parents out there who parent differently, and how to you get it all to work?

Please no bashing, I hate that I have to say that, but I see how any post can turn ugly, and Im just trying to avoid it.

I am just looking for truthful answers, and if anybody else is in my shoes

 

[brittsmum1998]

My dd12 and I were just talking about this today. Dh does the providing in this family while I do most of the "raising" so to speak. It may not work for everyone but it works for us. We only have one child so I don't know how much "co-parenting" we actually do. Everything kind of falls into place.

It was never planned that way it just happened. That was the way it was when I was growing up also. My mom stayed home and so do I. Maybe that makes a differance.

My dh had a lousy childhood, so maybe that helps with the fact that he lets me make most of the decisions.

I know what you mean about bashing, I'm somewhat timid to answer this thread myself. I wish you luck.

 

[LadyZolt]

Like the previous poster, I was pretty much the "raising the kids" parent. I was a stay-at-home mom when mine were very little and I knew them very well. I homeschooled them in the early grades, too. So on the rare occasions when my DH and I would disagree about some aspect, he'd agree that I knew them better than he did and would acquiesce.

As they got older, though, and I went back to work and he was home with them after school (he was a full-time college student and had similar hours to them, and I was working nights), he was more involved then and if there was a disagreement, I'd have to yield it to him since he was more involved day-to-day than I was.

So, I think that usually there will be one parent who simply is more involved at any one point in time and that both parents should recognize that. That little bit of extra involvement should tip the scales in a 50-50 situation.

-Dorothy

 

[sunlver]

My dd12 and I were just talking about this today. Dh does the providing in this family while I do most of the "raising" so to speak. It may not work for everyone but it works for us. We only have one child so I don't know how much "co-parenting" we actually do. Everything kind of falls into place.

It was never planned that way it just happened. That was the way it was when I was growing up also. My mom stayed home and so do I. Maybe that makes a differance.

My dh had a lousy childhood, so maybe that helps with the fact that he lets me make most of the decisions.

I know what you mean about bashing, I'm somewhat timid to answer this thread myself. I wish you luck.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

It's hard for me, my husband is a good person, and I feel I am a good person. BUT..we are different in so many ways, and as the kids grow older, I can see it in the parenting. Unfortunately I could never change his mind about things, and he can't change my mind about things. I am very strong in how I feel about certain issues and will not bend. Apparently I am in the minority.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I'm a single parent, and have been all along, and I can assure you that we don't have this issue in my house.

I'm also a teacher, and I see a lot of parenting in my job. I think it depends on what you mean by inconsistent or differently. I think that lots of kids turn out fine, even though mom says yes more than dad, or dad yells when he's upset and mom doesn't, or one parent cares deeply about a child's academics or extracurriculars, and the other parent is laisse faire. Or Mom let's the kids stay up late, watch "big kid movies" and order pizza for dinner on the night's dad's out of town (this was my family growing up), when dad being home means vegetables, and lights out at 8:30. After all, kids very quickly figure out when rules at school and home are different and they do fine.

There are a few situations where I don't think inconsistency is in the best interest of the child.

One is where one parent uses much harsher discipline than the other. I think that this is a circumstance that can really lead to the more lenient parent being undermined. Kids who are used to harsh discipline can be on edge or on guard, and when it doesn't come it functions like a reward fo them, making them more likely to misbehave around that parent.

The other is where there's a fundamental difference in the values of the parents -- so one parent is telling the child "use your words to solve problems, come talk to me and I'll help you solve problems" etc . . . and the other parent is saying "be a man! Stand up for yourself, don't let him look at you like that, show him you're tough, hit him back . . . " it can be really confusing to children.

The third situation is where there's obvious conflict between the parents and the child is caught in the middle. E.g. if your child goes to you and asks for something or permission to do something and you say yes, and your spouse would have said no, and it leads to a fight with your child feeling like they have to choose a side. Yes, that's problematic.

But, I'm guessing you're not talking about any of those situations. If you're talking about Daddy gives me ice cream at 4:00 p.m. sometimes, and Mom stops the carrots and rice cakes at 3:00 so I don't spoil my dinner or Dad makes me do my homework by myself, but mom sits with me and helps -- yeah, they do just fine with that.

 

[sunlver]

So do you all think the stay at home parent, has more parenting rights? Honestly, I never thought about it that way..This is why I love the boards, you get people to open your mind on issues..

I am the stay at home parent,my youngest is 5, oldest is 15.

Here are a couple "minimal" examples. I do not believe in paying for good grades. NOW, do I think good grades should be rewarded,, HECK YES!!! I feel maybe taking the child to a movie, or buying a new CD they wanted is a good reward...HE feels like he has to pay for each A, B ,and even C grades. I totally DONT agree with this..but he does it anyways.

Chores.. I have no problem him paying the kids for Chores...BUT...I have a problem if you give them the same amt of money each week, and they only do half the chores..My son is to take trash out each day, and believe me our family of 5 makes a lot of trash...If I have to take the trash out, or have to remind him 5 times to take the trash out even though he walks past it 10 times a day., does not make me happy.

If my daughter's job is to feed the dogs, and I feel them 5 out of 7 days(If they waited for her, they would starve), why should she get paid for that chore???

Ok,I will stop now..these are sort of the minor ones. He will never change how he thinks about these issues, and I think my point is just as valid.

 

[LadyZolt]

Here are a couple "minimal" examples. I do not believe in paying for good grades. NOW, do I think good grades should be rewarded,, HECK YES!!! I feel maybe taking the child to a movie, or buying a new CD they wanted is a good reward...HE feels like he has to pay for each A, B ,and even C grades. I totally DONT agree with this..but he does it anyways.

I see both points, but since your DH won't change, try viewing it as the child's "job" is to go to school and get grades. The better the grade, the more "pay" he/she gets. (Personally, I also paid my children per grade -- $5 for an A, $3 for a B, and $2 for a C. Nothing for a D, of course -- that's failing in my world!)

Chores.. I have no problem him paying the kids for Chores...BUT...I have a problem if you give them the same amt of money each week, and they only do half the chores..My son is to take trash out each day, and believe me our family of 5 makes a lot of trash...If I have to take the trash out, or have to remind him 5 times to take the trash out even though he walks past it 10 times a day., does not make me happy.

If my daughter's job is to feed the dogs, and I feel them 5 out of 7 days(If they waited for her, they would starve), why should she get paid for that chore???/QUOTE]

If DH is going to pay them the same amount, then you can "charge" them when you have to do their chore. For example, tell your son that every time you have to take out the trash, he has to pay you a dollar (or whatever). If you can't get him to pay, then you can work it out some other way -- like he loses the computer, or the Wii, or can't have ice cream when the rest of the family does, etc. Same thing with your daughter. Maybe if you have to feed the dogs, when you make dinner she has to make her own -- associating food with her chore of feeding the dogs. I'm sure you can think of things that will work for your situation.

I agree with you on the chore thing -- maybe you can discuss it with DH and use the "act like school is a job" thing since he pays for grades. Say "I see your point on paying for grades since the kids' full time job is to go to school, so let's do the same thing with chores. We'll start paying them at the end of the week, like we do at report card time after the school work is done, and pay them based on the chores they did that week." If you present it in a way that validates his position on one subject (the paying for grades), he might be more likely to give it a try. Then your son and daughter's weekly money would be tied directly to the work they did during the previous week. Good luck!

-Dorothy

 

[StacyMarie]

Yes, I am the "meanie" in our house, the disciplinarian! Husband is the "provider" and backs me up on occasion when I need it, otherwise it is all me! We parent totally different and since I am with the kids most of the time, I do most of the guiding and raising!

 

[brittsmum1998]

So do you all think the stay at home parent, has more parenting rights? Honestly, I never thought about it that way..This is why I love the boards, you get people to open your mind on issues..

I am the stay at home parent,my youngest is 5, oldest is 15.

Here are a couple "minimal" examples. I do not believe in paying for good grades. NOW, do I think good grades should be rewarded,, HECK YES!!! I feel maybe taking the child to a movie, or buying a new CD they wanted is a good reward...HE feels like he has to pay for each A, B ,and even C grades. I totally DONT agree with this..but he does it anyways.

Chores.. I have no problem him paying the kids for Chores...BUT...I have a problem if you give them the same amt of money each week, and they only do half the chores..My son is to take trash out each day, and believe me our family of 5 makes a lot of trash...If I have to take the trash out, or have to remind him 5 times to take the trash out even though he walks past it 10 times a day., does not make me happy.

If my daughter's job is to feed the dogs, and I feel them 5 out of 7 days(If they waited for her, they would starve), why should she get paid for that chore???

Ok,I will stop now..these are sort of the minor ones. He will never change how he thinks about these issues, and I think my point is just as valid.

I think LadyZolt raises a point I hadn't thought of. Maybe the parent who stays home w/ the children and "knows" the child better would know the better way in which to discipline. Not necessarily more "rights" but maybe a little more "pull" ?

I know Britt as a toddler would understand more of what she did wrong if you explained to her calmly (my voice) rather than dh's voice (yelling) because she would cry when she would hear the yelling and therefore couldn't comprehend all the talking through her own tears. Don't misunderstand, I did yell, I just found it only made the situation worse and it didn't help her. I finally figured it out and I understood that better than DH or maybe quicker is the word I should use and that was because I was with her 24/7.

 

[crz4mm2]

I was just talking about how in the "old days" dads were not nearly as involved as they are now.
My DH would have NEVER taken one of our kids into the MEN'S bathroom and changed a diaper!!!!!! LOL. and my DS is happy to do so with his DD... I think it is fabulous.

DH was "working" (so was I though) and left most of the parenting up to me....
He was the "look out, Dad's home" parent. they were both scared of him

We didn't pay for grades. Heck we didn't do "allowance". We DID pay for extra stuff.
they are part of the family, there are certain things that were "expected" in our family. IF they didn't do them, there was a punishment.... THAT is how we worked things.

 

[ilovejack02]

I am a stay at home mom since son was born, but we parent 50/50. DH has a pretty flexible job and home quite a bit with how his shifts work. He has almost 10 weeks of vacation a year also.

He does think I am to soft on DS7, but I really don't think he is to tough on DS. We work well together and If he makes up a rule or punishment I follow along and same when I am having to handle things.

My parents handled things 50/50 as did DH's parents.

I knew though before I married him how he was as a parent . My stepson was 5 when I met him, so I got to see him in action before getting married. He was an amazing parent so it helped seal the deal so to speak.

He also knew before we got married, I was not going to be married to a man that was not involved in a child's life. I have friends who laugh that their husbands won't change diapers or "babysit" their children. I don't think that is funny at all and is a deal breaker for me. DH knew it right up front as he also knew that I would be a SAHM, I would not bend on that either, it was very important to me to be home with our kiddos . Thank goodness he agreed LOL.

 

[Magpie]

I think our differences are complementary.

My husband works and provides, but he's also the guy to go to when you want a hug and sympathy.

I stay home and parent, but I'm also the less sympathetic one. I'm the one who will get you back up on your feet when you've fallen down and encourage you to keep running.

My husband is emotional. I'm analytical.

My husband is the shouter, and the guy who cracks down on the kids when they step out of line.

I'm quieter and less likely to notice an infraction of the rules.

I think between the two of us, we provide the kids with more balanced and saner parenting than either of us would alone. Both of us generally support the other parent's decisions, and when we disagree, we try to bring it up in private, away from the kids.

But the neat thing is, when my husband decides he's been too harsh about something, he'll go to the kids and say, "Your mother has convinced me..." Gosh, I love that man!

 

[ilovejack02]

I think our differences are complementary.

My husband works and provides, but he's also the guy to go to when you want a hug and sympathy.

I stay home and parent, but I'm also the less sympathetic one. I'm the one who will get you back up on your feet when you've fallen down and encourage you to keep running.

My husband is emotional. I'm analytical.

My husband is the shouter, and the guy who cracks down on the kids when they step out of line.

I'm quieter and less likely to notice an infraction of the rules.

I think between the two of us, we provide the kids with more balanced and saner parenting than either of us would alone. Both of us generally support the other parent's decisions, and when we disagree, we try to bring it up in private, away from the kids.

But the neat thing is, when my husband decides he's been too harsh about something, he'll go to the kids and say, "Your mother has convinced me..." Gosh, I love that man!

AWESOME, sounds like ya'll have a great system.

My hubby is good about backing me up and I try to do the same with him .

 

[LuvOrlando]

DH and I have very similar views on parenting but different approaches. I am, no doubt, the nurturer and he is, no doubt, the voice of reason and responsibility. Obviously, we are different people but we get along ok because our core values are on exactly the same page. If something comes up in the world around us that provokes a severe response one of us will say it and the other will just nod. If one of us is out of joint the other will calm. He is the Yin to my Yang in all things with parenting being a pretty important part.

What is interesting to me now is how much more relevant his input is becoming to our kids as they age into adolescence. I was able to do a majority of the guidance when they kids were little but now as the kids are becoming more independent DH is much better equipped to deal with them. This is especially true for my DS12. I am not a boy, have no idea how to behave like a boy and have even less understanding of the forever baffling dynamics of male-male relationships so I can't help my kid which drives me up a wall. Yet, when I bring up whatever stressing situation I'm dealing with to my DH he always gets all Yoda on me, which makes me laugh at myself more often than not.

Yin-Yang... if you are the Yin you've got to respect the Yang (and vice-versa) or it just won't work. None of us are onmiscient, if we respect our own limitations and what our partners bring to the table we'll all be better off in the end.

 

[SmallWorld71]

DH and I were very surprised to discover how different our parenting styles were when we got married although I will say that as time goes by we seem to be becoming more and more similar. Anyway, we set an iron clad rule years ago which has served us very well. Even if you don't agree, NEVER contradict the other parent in front of the kids. If you don't like the way someone parents, then talk about it when the kids are not around. You are a team. Also, keep in mind that kids are able to learn more than one set of rules. They have different rules at school, grandma's etc. Not being exactly like your spouse is OK.

 

[paintnolish]

Dh and I do parent differently. We are like Phil and Claire from Modern Family. I more controlling and tense. He is much more laid back and lets the kids work things out more. One night when I came home from work, he told me he let ds call and order a pizza. Not a big deal, but I never would have done that. Ds was actually really excited about it, but I wondered in the pizza place thought it wasd a prank!
Now, dh is not the kids' bio dad, but he is their dad nonetheless.

 

[smidgy]

actually, I know very few couple who Do parent the same!

yeah, in a perfect world, you are both in agreement with everything, you discuss any differences outside of the earshot of the kids, and present a united front.

and then we'll all go see the fairy princess together!

somehow, my boys grew up ok, and yours will also.

 

[disneycruising]

We have 4 children (16, 14,12 & 10). We do not parent the same...but our core goals are the same. We want to raise responsible, independant, kind-hearted & well educated people.

My Dh want to be the 'easy' parent. Because he travel so much he hates to come home and have to be the mean parent...or at least that is what he says. I think he just can not stand for the kids to be mad at him.He does have a tendancy to be more 'gruff' in dealing with the kids. I think I am more patience then he does. I think I am also more understanding... I am want to be their soft place to fall.

I think we use our strenghts to our advantage. If the kids need a shoulder to cry on. I am the one to step up. If they need someone to tell them like it is...DH steps up. It also depends on the children personality.

I grew up with over-protective parents and he grew up with parents that gave him a little to much freedom. So, when something comes up in 'parenting' we talk about what it was like "in our families"... then do something in middle of the two.

 

[Planogirl]

My DH is very permissive and easy-going but I think that it's because he works so much and DS rarely sees him. I do 95% of the actual parenting.

 

[NCRedding]

MY husband and I are very different in our parenting styles. We realized this only after our DD was born 17 years ago. DH is very uninvolved for the most part, but when he choses to "parent" it isn't very pretty. He goes from completely calm to ballistic in a snap. I've had to step in many times to prevent things from going too far. Unfortunately, there have been times when I haven't been there to intercede. DD and her father have a tense relationship at best.

DH's father was one who wanted to be feared. In his later years, he was very charming, but stories of his parenting have circulated in our small town for years. You would think that DH would realize the harm in parenting through fear, but he doesn't. I distinguish between fear and respect.

DD has survived and is a very good person. I am very proud of her character and the person she has become.