Do you know a lot of divorced people?

[tinkntraining]

There seems to be a lot of divorce around me. Of all my DDs' (15 and 14) friends, only DH and I and one other couple are still in their original marriage. Some have divorced several times.

 

[Evil Genius]

I don't think I know any one who hasn't been divorced. That being said, most of my friends have great second and third marriages and are very happy.

 

[Robinrs]

I'm OLD so yes, I know A LOT.

In fact ALL of my friends are either divorced or on second or third marriages. My oldest sister and my parents are the only hold outs in my entire family because they were from a generation that you stuck it out no matter what.

 

[puffkin]

I too am always shocked by the divorce statistics because I hardly know anyone who is divorced. I know several people who had children/lived with someone and then broke up, but they were never married. My MIL was divorced and then married DH's father but that was 35 years ago. DH's uncle was also divorced after a short marriage 30+ years ago. Thats about it in my family and extended family. I honestly don't know too many others....I did work for several years in an attorney's office that specialized in family law so I saw it on a daily basis, but in my personal life I hardly know anyone who is divorced.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I know a lot of divorced people but most of them are on their second marriage and they all seem to be happy now.

I think many of them married too early. I got married at 32 which was the perfect age for me (maybe not for someone else).

 

[jen0610]

Just a quick think about it:

Between mom and dads siblings - 17 aunts and uncles, there are 11 divorces. 3 with multipule divorces.

Friends/People we know - 23 people, 6 with multipule divorces. Give me an hour or so and I am sure I could think of more.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Haha... yes and no. I know a lot of people who are happily married but they're really acquaintances.

Of the people I actually know, the only people who have been married are now divorced. Serves them right, getting married at 18 when everyone was telling them, essentially to wait.

 

[bumbershoot]

Oh definitely, starting with my dad, stepdad, former stepdad...mom too, but she's not living... The friend that married at 19 b/c she was pregnant, the friend that put her heart and soul into her marriage until 7 years later she found a mystery cellphone in his jacket pocket while hugging him on NYE and it all unraveled from there, the friend who was newly pregnant and came home to find her new husband's stuff all gone, accounts cleared out, etc etc...it goes on and on.

And of course divorce is nothing new, or at least the wish to divorce. It just hasn't always been *possible*. My great grandfather left my great grandmother high and dry, never to be seen again. They were Catholic, and her priest would not allow her to divorce. There was absolutely no point in still "being married", as he was gone. This went on for what I assume was a long time, and then she met a nice man who wanted to marry her and adopt her son. She went back once more to the priest, who again refused her, because the man wasn't Catholic. And it was at that point that our family's Irish Catholicism STOPPED, because of what she said to the priest. (not a funny story to tell in Ireland, by the way) So she got a civil divorce since she didn't have to worry about what her church said, married him, had a lovely life after that!

I visited Ireland in '95, and shortly after that visit, I noticed that divorces became *legal* there (they hadn't been even legal before, I guess). And there were scads of people just waiting for that! So just because people "are married" it doesn't mean they have a marriage.

My husband and his siblings BEGGED their mom to leave their dad. Their relationship was that bad, that kids, who are usually ones to want mommy and daddy to be together forever (my parents divorced when I was 4, and I was 15+ before I finally got it through my skull that it was better off like that), were asking them to divorce.

 

[wdwfan16]

For those with so much divorce around them before they married, why did you decide to get married?

 

[Liberty Belle]

I have two friends who are divorced.

I do not see a divorce in my future, but I guess you never know. Our marriage has been rocky at times, but it's always due to outside stressors. DH and I are very committed to the marriage.

 

[frndshpcptn]

For those with so much divorce around them before they married, why did you decide to get married?

well - I haven't decided to get married as of yet.

But - I am an optimist (or maybe a romantic at heart) and still hope to so so one day even knowing that many of my friend's first marriages didn't last...

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

So just because people "are married" it doesn't mean they have a marriage.

This is such an important statement.

At the time of my divorce, (my choice as my ex decided to date while married to me- found a nice girl who got him into drugs and alcohol and taught him to ignore our dd and try to "beat" me into submission) a friend of mine was going through a very similar situation.

I went through with the divorce and "broke up our family unit" while she stayed married.

Six years later, I realize that was the best thing to ever happen to me (my divorce that is) and a good thing for my dd. Now my friend is still "married" but she only sees her husband once or twice a month when he comes around to remind her that she belongs to him.

Yeah... I am so glad I was able to get a divorce. My family unit is much stronger now than with my ex in the picture. My friends not so great but hey at least she is married!

OP - I know both types of people. My bff and her husband have been married for 22 years (they got married at 18). SOme other friends and such have been divorced.

I think that it is important to remember there are so many different type of family "units" that do not necessarily include a mom, dad, kids and so on.

 

[PixieTopaz]

My sister just shocked me by telling me she and her husband of 22 years are getting a divorce. I had no idea they had serious problems. .

So did she inform you of their serious problems?

The whole family always knew SIL had problems years before she got a divorce

 

[tasha99]

Yes, I know a lot of people who have been divorced. People used to not get divorced as often as they do now, but that doesn't mean their marriages were perfect. I think in the old days, people settled for less in their marriages, though they gained a certain sort of permanence (probably by paying the price of complacency in many cases). I think extra marital affairs were also probably more common back in those days as well.

 

[RadioNate]

I'd say nearly 1/2 of our friends are divorced. My parents are divorced and ALL their friends are divorced. Some are on 2nd marriages but most are not.

For my friends, none of them had major problems before they got divorced. No abuse or anything like that. In 3 of the more recent cases the DH just got tired of being married to their spouse and found someone 'better.' In one of the cases it was the wife who left for someone else. In the case of the wife and 1 of the husbands they are both re-married to their "someone better."

 

[Aisling]

So did she inform you of their serious problems?

The whole family always knew SIL had problems years before she got a divorce

Their serious problems, according to my sis, have to do with "not being on the same page anymore". Seems that they've grown apart and she wants a divorce, but still wants to be friends with him. She swears there's no third party involved.

We never suspected anything because there was nothing, not even a hint, of marital issues.

 

[Robinrs]

For those with so much divorce around them before they married, why did you decide to get married?

Never did!

 

[NotUrsula]

Very few, but then I'm Irish Catholic and have almost always lived in very strongly Catholic communities in the US. Divorce is still a shocker in my family, though we accept it when it happens. When I was single I never felt comfortable dating anyone who had been married before; it just felt weird somehow.

My paternal grandparents lived apart for over 40 years but did not divorce. I'm not sure that they would have done so even if it had been legal; my Nana was very devout.

 

[Sparx]

we studied divorce in my marriage and family class i took last semester. the divorce rate is roughly 1/2, but that is a very skewed statement. Since you can get married more than once, its counting the same people over and over (and if you get one divorce, you're more likely to get a second) so if you really broke down the first marriage divorce rates, its more like 35-45%. its a really really hard statistic to find due to name changes, etc.

the average first marriage lasts 5-7 years before divorce. the average second marriage lasts 4-6 years (if there will be a divorce, for many this marriage is the lasting one, but if there will be a divorce, it usually doesn't take more than 6 years.) the average 3rd marriage lasts 3-4 years (this is usually not a lasting marriage)

i read a journal that speculated that people actually marry one person they have children with, then marry a person they would like to spend their life with. i'm not sure how true that is, but it does tend to make sense, since the first marriage usually has children, and the second is usually lasting.

there is also a growing trend of "staying together for the children" where couples stay together for 20-30 years until their children are out of the house and then suddenly divorce.

however, piles of research state that children don't actually suffer very much from divorce when they're young if their standard of living doesn't change. when children are put into poverty from their parents divorcing is when they have negative repercussions. so if both parents could provide a stable standard of living apart, there is no reason to "stay together for the children." since its been proved that the older children get, the more they can recognize their parents are unhappy, which reflects on the children who often realize what their parents are doing, and feel guilty about it.

 

[ZachnElli]

I'd say about 1/4 of the people in my circles (friends/family) are divorced, that leaves 3/4 still married in their original marriages. And my dh's sister, the only one out of 4 kids, who has gotten divorced, has married and divorced 3 times. My brother, my only sibling, is divorced. But my parents, my in laws, cousins, aunts and uncles are all still married, no divorces. Only one of our friends have gotten divorced, which is weird now that I think about it statistically!