Do you know a hoarder? What to do?

[tink_n_pooh]

In the past week I've found out that one of my co-worker/friends is living in a hoarding situation. I knew there was some hoarding type behaviors going on but not to this extent. My friends girlfriend is the hoarder and she isn't just hoarding stuff but she has taken in over 20 dogs! The dogs have been rescues from high kill shelters and most have been picked up along the road in north carolina. It started with 2 dogs they found along the road while on a trip to NC and she went back weekend after weekend to get more. She had good intentions to take the dogs in, care for them and then find them homes but they never found them homes and the dogs have now taken over the house to the point that my friend and his GF sleep in their car

The house is full of stuff, dogs, dog feces and who knows what else They can't even shower in their own home because the shower broke months (maybe years) ago and they have so much stuff & dogs in the house they can't get to the pipes and things they need to get to fix the shower They have been showering at our office (office was once a house many many years ago and still has a full bathroom) for well over a year.

They have pretty much met their breaking point and need to do something about the hoarding situation. They have brought in a dumpster to clean up things around the yard and from inside the house. I talked to him yesterday and his gf took out 6 bags of trash/faces just from their bathroom and the managed to get out enough stuff to be able to completely open the front door.

I've been trying to help them find homes for the dogs but it is tough because his gf is having a real hard time thinking of getting rid of the dogs. She is not doing well emotionally and has even talked suicide a few times (I've already told him they really need to get her to a hospital or at least to a doctor asap), she is very worried that someone is going to come and take the dogs away because they bark at night and I can only imagine what 20+ dogs barking at one time sounds like to the neighbors. They've already had to go in front of a judge and the board of health almost a year ago because of the condition of the house even from just the outside and it has sadly gotten worse on the inside.

I don't know what to do to help them since they will not allow anyone in to physically help them. Anyone know a hoarder? Been a hoarder? Have any advise?

 

[lovesmurfs]

In the past week I've found out that one of my co-worker/friends is living in a hoarding situation. I knew there was some hoarding type behaviors going on but not to this extent. My friends girlfriend is the hoarder and she isn't just hoarding stuff but she has taken in over 20 dogs! The dogs have been rescues from high kill shelters and most have been picked up along the road in north carolina. It started with 2 dogs they found along the road while on a trip to NC and she went back weekend after weekend to get more. She had good intentions to take the dogs in, care for them and then find them homes but they never found them homes and the dogs have now taken over the house to the point that my friend and his GF sleep in their car

The house is full of stuff, dogs, dog feces and who knows what else They can't even shower in their own home because the shower broke months (maybe years) ago and they have so much stuff & dogs in the house they can't get to the pipes and things they need to get to fix the shower They have been showering at our office (office was once a house many many years ago and still has a full bathroom) for well over a year.

They have pretty much met their breaking point and need to do something about the hoarding situation. They have brought in a dumpster to clean up things around the yard and from inside the house. I talked to him yesterday and his gf took out 6 bags of trash/faces just from their bathroom and the managed to get out enough stuff to be able to completely open the front door.

I've been trying to help them find homes for the dogs but it is tough because his gf is having a real hard time thinking of getting rid of the dogs. She is not doing well emotionally and has even talked suicide a few times (I've already told him they really need to get her to a hospital or at least to a doctor asap), she is very worried that someone is going to come and take the dogs away because they bark at night and I can only imagine what 20+ dogs barking at one time sounds like to the neighbors. They've already had to go in front of a judge and the board of health almost a year ago because of the condition of the house even from just the outside and it has sadly gotten worse on the inside.

I don't know what to do to help them since they will not allow anyone in to physically help them. Anyone know a hoarder? Been a hoarder? Have any advise?

Your last paragraph says it all. You can't change other people's behavior -- they have to want to change. Apparently they don't. Just keep doing what you're doing, and be supportive of her emotional issues.

Sink Reflections by Marla Cilly (FlyLady) might help -- Marla was suicidal before she developed her system. Your friend's GF is obviously overwhelmed by the enormity of the tasks -- but if you do it for her, she'll just fall back into her old habits. She has to want to change.

Best wishes.

 

[stashbin]

My mother in law hoards food and my father in law hoards animals. Their house is disgusting, but it's their house. I hate when my kids go over there, but I can't NOT allow them to visit their grandparents. We have tried to talk to them but they don't see a problem.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I have a family member that is a hoarder. He was also facing eviction. I felt bad for his neighbors, it was a fire hazard, brought bugs and rodents and was just a disaster. I paid several thousands of dollars for a cleaning crew and exterminator. My mom was afraid he would just drop dead from the stress, as they are not right in the head and think that their garbage is actually extremely important. It is frustrating and difficult to deal with them, extreme patience is necessary and hopefully they have some money. Frankly, she will always have the problem and your friend would have a better life if he left her and moved on. You can't fix someone else, and it is an extreme issue.

Even after it is clean, it is likely to happen again as it is a mental and emotional disorder and they rarely get therapy. I go and regularly clean out the place so it does not reoccur. Like I said, I have spent thousands, probably about $10,000 or maybe a little more as he did not have the money to take care of it. Some hoarders will not let you in, or allow anything to be thrown out, but he knows I won't pay one more dime if I can't get in and he will be evicted and I won't pay for him to get another place so that would make him homeless.

Best of luck.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I want to add he has a small apartment, it will probably cost more for a house.

 

[LMC]

Maybe you should call the local animal control. I don't think they would allow someone to keep that many animals (unless they were on a large farm). I am sure there are city ordinances too about how many pets you are allowed (if they live in the city). If animal control/welfare comes out a sees the situation, they will take the dogs.

 

[Ceila]

My mother in law hoards food and my father in law hoards animals. Their house is disgusting, but it's their house. I hate when my kids go over there, but I can't NOT allow them to visit their grandparents. We have tried to talk to them but they don't see a problem.

(bolding mine)

I would not allow my children to go to a house that I would describe as disgusting, grandparents or not. They would be welcome at my house, or we would meet them somewhere in the middle, but just because people are relatives it doesn't mean I would put children's health at risk.

OP, I don't have any advice, other than to continue being supportive for your friend and his GF.

 

[stashbin]

(bolding mine)

I would not allow my children to go to a house that I would describe as disgusting, grandparents or not. They would be welcome at my house, or we would meet them somewhere in the middle, but just because people are relatives it doesn't mean I would put children's health at risk.

OP, I don't have any advice, other than to continue being supportive for your friend and his GF.

Well I guess I care about my children's grandparents' feelings. My children enjoy spending time with them no matter where they are. BTW, if I thought my childrens' health was at risk that would be a different story.

 

[tink_n_pooh]

Maybe you should call the local animal control. I don't think they would allow someone to keep that many animals (unless they were on a large farm). I am sure there are city ordinances too about how many pets you are allowed (if they live in the city). If animal control/welfare comes out a sees the situation, they will take the dogs.

They animal control officer actually just bought the house next door to them last week, talk about a sudden stress to his gf

The town clerk and animal control officer already know about the situation and are working with them to try to make the situation better. The animal control officer has actually offered to lend them cages or crates if they need them. I'm not sure that he really knows the extent of the situation though because no one has seen the inside of the house in years except for gf's sister who my friend called this past week to try to come and help. GF has allowed her sister in and they've been cleaning up some. The animal control officer doesn't live in the house next door, he only bought it as an investment property

Part of me thinks she really does want help at this point. Her 2 sons (both in their 20's) have left in the past few months, they were living their with a free ride, didn't even have jobs and even they couldn't take living their anymore

We live in the country and there are no laws in their town regarding the number of pets anyone can have but they could be fined for not having licenses and not having all the proper shots for the dogs. They have contacted a local no kill shelter and a woman there is having a mobile vet meet them somewhere today to give at least some of the dogs their shots. Most of these dogs have never seen a vet

 

[akcire]

Well I guess I care about my children's grandparents' feelings. My children enjoy spending time with them no matter where they are. BTW, if I thought my childrens' health was at risk that would be a different story.

I completely agree. We have no children yet. I have already told my father-in-law that if he did not get his house cleaned up there will be no grandparent visitation at his house. I would not even let a small person go to his house, for fear they will get crushed and die in a crap-o-lanche.

 

[bettymae1121]

The hoarding of things and/or pets is a symptom of a disease, not the disease itself. Hoarding is actually grouped in with anxity disorders and she needs medical treatment and therapy or she'll never get better. A&E has a show called "Hoarders" and they have a website, I believe, that offers tips and advice and may point you in the right direction. You can't force them to get help but you may be able to find out differant ways to talk to them so that they see they need outside help.

 

[tink_n_pooh]

Well I guess I care about my children's grandparents' feelings. My children enjoy spending time with them no matter where they are. BTW, if I thought my childrens' health was at risk that would be a different story.

It is about health and the house in the OP is a definant health problem, there is dog poop all over everything according to my friend, you can actually smell it when you drive by

 

[stashbin]

It is about health and this house is a definant health problem, there is dog poop all over everything according to my friend, you can actually smell it when you drive by

What are you talking about? The animal of choice for my family is cats first of all. You can not smell the poop outside....did you mean this post for someone else?

My inlaws' hoarding of food and cats isn't to the point that the health department needs to be called in. Their house isn't as sanitary as I think it should be but...it's their house.

When our kids were first born, they came to our house most of the time. But as the kids have gotten older (no longer crawling and putting things in their mouths...they are 9 and 5) we have allowed them to go over there just because my inlaws are more comfortable at their own house. And I am sorry, unless there was feces all over the place or stuff about to fall over, I would NEVER hurt their feelings!

I think you thought I was talking about the OP's house and not my inlaws when you quoted me now that I went back and read it a second time....

 

[tink_n_pooh]

What are you talking about? The animal of choice for my family is cats first of all. You can not smell the poop outside....did you mean this post for someone else?

My inlaws' hoarding of food and cats isn't to the point that the health department needs to be called in. Their house isn't as sanitary as I think it should be but...it's their house.

When our kids were first born, they came to our house most of the time. But as the kids have gotten older (no longer crawling and putting things in their mouths...they are 9 and 5) we have allowed them to go over there just because my inlaws are more comfortable at their own house. And I am sorry, unless there was feces all over the place or stuff about to fall over, I would NEVER hurt their feelings!

I was merely associating the quoted post with the OP - in your case it isn't a health problem (unless someone has cat allergies) but in the case of the original post it is a health problem -not meant to disregard your statement, just associating the two, sorry for the confusion

 

[stashbin]

I was merely associating the quoted post with the OP - in your case it isn't a health problem (unless someone has cat allergies) but in the case of the original post it is a health problem -not meant to disregard your statement, just associating the two, sorry for the confusion

No problem.

 

[Ceila]

Well I guess I care about my children's grandparents' feelings. My children enjoy spending time with them no matter where they are. BTW, if I thought my childrens' health was at risk that would be a different story.

Excuse me, but WHERE exactly did I say that you don't care about the grandparents' feelings? You won't find it because I never said it.

I said that I wouldn't allow my children to visit someplace I felt was "disgusting." I ALSO said that I would make other arrangements for my children to spend time with their grandparents, just not at their house.

 

[themilesfamily]

There's a very low cure rate for hoarders.

You can help them clean up their house and they will turn right around and fill it again.

My mother is a hoarder and I've just learned to accept it and not judge her. I don't go to her house, because I can't stand to be in it, so we make other arrangements when we get together.

 

[stashbin]

There's a very low cure rate for hoarders.

You can help them clean up their house and they will turn right around and fill it again.

My mother is a hoarder and I've just learned to accept it and not judge her. I don't go to her house, because I can't stand to be in it, so we make other arrangements when we get together.

I can agree with this because I have helped my in-laws clean their house too, but they go right back to filling it up with useless amounts of food and junk.
My MIL said when she was growing up they never had enough food. So now that she is able to buy food, she never wants to be without. I tried to tell her that having that much food in the house is not necessary for 2 people, but she says she needs it just in case company comes or whatever.

 

[hereyago]

I've been trying to help them find homes for the dogs but it is tough because his gf is having a real hard time thinking of getting rid of the dogs. She is not doing well emotionally and has even talked suicide a few times (I've already told him they really need to get her to a hospital or at least to a doctor asap), she is very worried that someone is going to come and take the dogs away because they bark at night and I can only imagine what 20+ dogs barking at one time sounds like to the neighbors.

She needs to find a no kill shelter if one is around. I really don't think she wants animal control find all those dogs, them to be on the news, and possible be prosecuted for what would be negelect of the dogs with no medical care and deplorable conditions. Much less if the house could be condemned.

 

[Disney Doll]

Hoarding is a symptom of a problem, that problem generally being some sort of anxiety disorder, so that to the hoarder, having their "stuff" gives them comfort, a feeling of control etc.

You can probably throw a little OCD (they "control" their environment by hanging on to things) in there as well as some Oppositional Disorder, ie-"no one is going to tell me how I should live". Remember, OCD is not always the "Felix Unger" type personality.

OP, you can clean it, you can find homes for all the dogs and in 6 months, it will be back to the same thing unless the GF gets psychological help.