Do you have "needy" friends?

[Aidensmom]

Do you have any friends that always seem to want to complain? To never have a positive discussion? To always need "advice" on something?

What do you do about it? I have found myself turning off my instant messenger when a certain friend logs in, just so I don't have to play therapist. And I don't answer my phone either. I think the friendship has just really worn me out.

Should I say something?

 

[lyzziesmom]

The best 3 words I have ever learned:
Not
My
Problem

Say it to yourself, it's extremely liberating!
If that doesn't work, say it to your "friends"!

Another good tactic... every time they start to complain, interrupt them with a complaint of your own, preferably about something very intimately personal or a disgusting medical complaint. (doesn't even have to be true!) This is loads of fun.

 

[chell]

Yep. They head for the hills as soon as I need anything though. I would always just suck it up and be there for them all the time.

 

[Aidensmom]

Yep. They head for the hills as soon as I need anything though. I would always just suck it up and be there for them all the time.

Yeah, that has been my experience. I guess in my head I know that it is kind of a dysfunctional thing, but I guess I am afraid of hurting her.

 

[chell]

Yeah, that has been my experience. I guess in my head I know that it is kind of a dysfunctional thing, but I guess I am afraid of hurting her.

 

[sugarpie]

I have one of those friends, and she's going through an ugly divorce right now! It's exhausting listening to every detail of her life. It's not that I don't care - we've been friends since high school, it's just that it never ends. She calls me 3 or 4 times a day sometimes. I listen and listen to her and when she asks me for advice I give my opinion, but she just goes and does whatever she would have done in the first place.

She really has a knack for getting herself into bad situations and she never learns from them. She always ends up with some guy who is abusive, not that I blame her, but there is a definite pattern. I've brought up the idea of her getting some professional counseling and she started crying, "do you think I'm really that depressed?" she asked. And I couldn't say yes. I don't think she's depressed, I think she's just really screwed up.

The worst part is she's got a 2 year old daughter now. I'm afraid her little girl is in for a tough life if her mom doesn't get it together. Last weekend she called me at 9:30 to ask if her daughter could spend the night at my house so she could go to a party. I didn't know what to say. I have a hard time saying no. So she brought her over to my house an hour later, still fully dressed, no pajamas, no diapers, nothing. Her poor little girl screamed for her mommy for 20 minutes, waking up my kids who had been in bed for hours.

The funny thing is her personal life is always a mess, but she's really successful in her career. Go figure.

Wow!!! I'm really a complainer aren't I?

 

[KarenAylwood]

I had a similar friend- we had been in the same dance class since we were 4 and went to high school together (became better friends once we got to high school).

She dated a mutal friend when we were in our early years of college- then he broke up with her after 2 years. I was the only one left that knew them both so she'd ALWAYS come to me to talk about him (while still dating other people) and would just constantly talk about how she missed him and wanted him back. We didn't live close but when were home, I would see her sometimes (but tried to make it not that often ).

Meanwhile I had been dating a guy for 2 years, I broke up with him, started dating someone new (my DBF now) and she was so busy in her own little world, never even KNEW I had broken up with the ex and started dating someone new until 5 months later. Even after a year or so she still couldn't remember his name!

I finally called her out on it- told her that I didn't appreciate what she was doing and that she was too self-involved. The IMs and phone calls slowed and I'm not sorry about it at all. I felt used and needed to say something. If she was a real friend, she wouldn't have treated me that way.

 

[sugarpie]

I really wish I had the nerve to tell "needy" what I really think.


After I told her I needed to have surgery for cancer I didn't hear from her for like 3 months. It wasn't anything life threatening but geez! A "how are you?" would have been nice.

Maybe I'll fake my own death.

 

[Aidensmom]

Maybe I'll fake my own death.

 

[lyzziesmom]

It seems like I used to have nothing but needy friends - I was a sucker who just couldn't say no. Finally I sat myself down & decided that if I couldn't find one positive thing that someone brings to my life, I don't need them in my life. It was a very hard thing to do, and went against my nature and everything I had been taught about being nice. However, it enabled me to finally be nice to myself. I have enough stress in my life without worrying about other people's minor problems.

Now I am not saying that if a true friend is in need of a shoulder to cry on, you should turn away. I am talking about the habitual needy complainers who truly do not bring anything to the friendship. This is not a friendship, it is free therapy and it is emotionally draining.

I have to say, I have a great deal fewer friends now but I am so so SO much happier now that I have cut out the "dead weight". It took some time to get over the guilt of feeling like I abandoned my friends, but I found that they quickly found another sucker's ear to chew off and once they got the point that I had my own life, we didn't really miss each other at all.

 

[Imzadi]

I got rid of my needy friends. Most of them got really uncomfortable after I got licensed & certified for counseling. At first they used to suck the life out of me as I felt compassion & mostly guilt-tripped into helping them. Then my counselor associates told me to point out to these needy friends how they are in a state of "learned helplessness," meaning they DO have options & are totally capable of getting themselves out of the situations -IF THEY CHOOSE - operative words, as they aren't paralysed or really lack the skills to change their situations.

These needy people will always come back with SEVERAL excuses why they can't do what ever it is you suggest. They are so attached to staying in "learned helplessness" or "Victim Mode" & wanting to get comfort & sympathy instead of truly changing their circumstances.

In the end, after many rounds of pointing out several options, you just simply have to be blunt & say, "Well you're in Victim Mode." Or, "You're being a victim here. I've given you several options & you'd rather remain a victim with your victim story." No sugar coating. It doesn't help them to enable them to remain a victim. Then just shrug & change the subject or walk away.

After a while, they will realize, YOU are not someone they can come to to talk about their victim stories. They will move onto someone else who won't call them on it.

BTW, the reason why they can't call you or give you the time of day when you have a problem, or have had surgery, is because THEY need to be the one who is the Victim or the needy one. That role is taken by them. How dare you have needs that may be greater than theirs!

This is not a friendship, it is free therapy and it is emotionally draining.

It is not free therapy. It'd be therapy if they took the info you give them and used it to change. All they really want is someone to give them comfort & sympathy for remaining a Victim. Yes, it is emotionally draining.

For those who want to help others, find people who will truly find the advice & friendship you offer useful & Do USE it.

 

[Stitchfans]

I found that if you stop giving advice or stop making comments about it and just say, "oh sorry to hear that" eventually they will stop coming to you all the time. They want "real" feedback not idle come backs.

Sometimes I think it is just normal to complain if you have a captive audience.

 

[sweet angel]

Is it me?

I don't have any friends that are "needy" in that way, but I have one friend who ALWAYS want to be part of everything .

 

[punkin]

I have one. I have not told her I quit my job and now have free time during the day becasue then she'd expect me to meet with her instead of just whining on the phone. At least on the phone I can get my chores done while I listen with half an ear and say uh-huh occasionally.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I have one friend who only seemed to call when she needed something. When I needed something the call was awfully short... The good news is that she's doing better now and I don't hear from her often, so there is hope. That sounds mean, but it seems that she was a fair weather friend as far as I was concerned, but wanted to call me whenever she needed something, if that makes any sense.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Do you have any friends that always seem to want to complain? To never have a positive discussion? To always need "advice" on something?

What do you do about it? I have found myself turning off my instant messenger when a certain friend logs in, just so I don't have to play therapist. And I don't answer my phone either. I think the friendship has just really worn me out.

Should I say something?

You know you could have just said something to me rather than posting it here for everyone to see. Hmmmph.












JUST KIDDING.

 

[TammyAlphabet]

I had one of those "learned helplessness" friends. We were friends for many many years. I guess it felt good to be needed by someone. She did some pretty selfish things to me and I just stopped talking to her. We finally did exchange some words (via email) and I have only talked to her once since. I guess she found someone else to drive her everywhere and help her do everything. I feel guilty still but I don't miss her.

 

[SillyMe]

I do, but I have distanced myself from her. She had the same ongoing problems for over a year, but didn't do anything about the problems. I had to distance myself when I went through my own separation. I was having enough of my own problems, but at least I was doing something to change my situation. She wasn't and I just couldn't handle hearing about it anymore.

 

[goofy's friends]

I got rid of my needy friends. Most of them got really uncomfortable after I got licensed & certified for counseling. At first they used to suck the life out of me as I felt compassion & mostly guilt-tripped into helping them. Then my counselor associates told me to point out to these needy friends how they are in a state of "learned helplessness," meaning they DO have options & are totally capable of getting themselves out of the situations -IF THEY CHOOSE - operative words, as they aren't paralysed or really lack the skills to change their situations.

These needy people will always come back with SEVERAL excuses why they can't do what ever it is you suggest. They are so attached to staying in "learned helplessness" or "Victim Mode" & wanting to get comfort & sympathy instead of truly changing their circumstances.

In the end, after many rounds of pointing out several options, you just simply have to be blunt & say, "Well you're in Victim Mode." Or, "You're being a victim here. I've given you several options & you'd rather remain a victim with your victim story." No sugar coating. It doesn't help them to enable them to remain a victim. Then just shrug & change the subject or walk away.

After a while, they will realize, YOU are not someone they can come to to talk about their victim stories. They will move onto someone else who won't call them on it.

BTW, the reason why they can't call you or give you the time of day when you have a problem, or have had surgery, is because THEY need to be the one who is the Victim or the needy one. That role is taken by them. How dare you have needs that may be greater than theirs!


It is not free therapy. It'd be therapy if they took the info you give them and used it to change. All they really want is someone to give them comfort & sympathy for remaining a Victim. Yes, it is emotionally draining.

For those who want to help others, find people who will truly find the advice & friendship you offer useful & Do USE it.

Ok, I have to ask, HOW did you "Get rid of your needy friends"? Just tell them "we can't be friends anymore" or stop calling them and answering their phone calls or something more subtle?
I have a friend that is very fair-weathered and it is really starting to bug me. She never calls or anything unless she is in crisis. (Which during her divorce was every day several times aday for about a year) She barely knows anything about my life, because she never asks--I am just here for her, not the other way around. Now, I havne't heard from her in about 6 months which is offensive to me because I checked on her during her crises and have totally been there for her and now she doesn't "need" me anymore and doesn't call--boy, I'm screwed up. Anyway, I refuse to call her. So, I know her call is coming--"what's wrong?" "Why haven't I heard from you" "Did I do something?" How do I deal with her? I really can do without the friendship and have moved on, but will need to answer to her soon, I'm sure.

 

[Aidensmom]

So, I know her call is coming--"what's wrong?" "Why haven't I heard from you" "Did I do something?" How do I deal with her? I really can do without the friendship and have moved on, but will need to answer to her soon, I'm sure.

Yep! Heck, even if I am not purposely ignoring my friend but am just busy I hear all that. And I work with my friend, so there is no way to avoid her completely.