Do you have a friend like this? Repeating bad behavior?

[TheAviator]

I have this friend, she has for the most part been the best friend you could ever ask for. She is also a really good Christian and good person in general. But although her marriage isn't terrible, she has a good guy for a husband who I will also add is rich, building a big new mansion as we speak for them, but with all that she is unhappy. She is not a materialistic person and those things don't make her happy. She is basically a typical bored rich housewife that is spoiled and unhappy. In her defense her husband does not pay her any attention at all and they do have kind of a cordial brother sister almost type relationship, not romantic at all. She has totally fallen out of love with him, if she was ever in love with him to begin with.

Anyway, we've been friends for over a year, although we kind of knew each other in high school, but only got close the last year or so. I think her feelings have turned and she looks at me as much more than a friend, but I have kept her at arms length for obvious reasons.

But point is she has had this pattern with me for about a year now. We will be getting along great, chatting a bit through the computer etc., but if I don't respond to her immediately sometimes, or comment on her FB posts or something, she will get really upset and start in with, I never pay her any attention, I never comment positively on her posts (although I do all the time) yada yada. I realize she sounds like she's 16, but she's 40.

Then on top of that, she will get mad over something trivial, due to me not responding immediately or whatever and defriend me off FB. She has literally defriended me about 15 or 20 times, then she cools off, apologizes profusely, I'm so sorry, I realize I don't have the right to monopolize your time yada yada. And I always re-accept her new friend request and accept her apology etc., and then she's fine for a few weeks and it all repeats over again. She'll find something trivial to get upset about and the pattern repeats.

So this last time, she got pretty insulting, saying I was only responding to her when I wanted to come swim at their pool, or whatever, implying I was using her. Which is totally not the case at all, I have only been to her pool once, although we had talked about it quite a bit since they are building a really nice new pool at their new house. There was a lot more to it, but it was pretty insulting. Then of course a week goes by and she is sooooo sorry, can't believe she said that, even admitted she acts like a 16 year old girl and needs to grow up etc., but I have basically told her she ruined the friendship and I have not accepted her new friend request.

I'm asking what would you do? She has been the best friend ever at times, but repeats this same behavior, I've more or less made up my mind to just stay away from her, I don't need the roller coaster, I think her feelings are much more involved than she will admit which is why she's acting this way in the first place. But I do feel like I'm losing a great friend at the same time. I feel like if I give in again the pattern will repeat again. Just interested in hearing what you think.

 

[scrapquitler]

I have this friend, she has for the most part been the best friend you could ever ask for. She is also a really good Christian and good person in general. But although her marriage isn't terrible, she has a good guy for a husband who I will also add is rich, building a big new mansion as we speak for them, but with all that she is unhappy. She is not a materialistic person and those things don't make her happy. She is basically a typical bored rich housewife that is spoiled and unhappy. In her defense her husband does not pay her any attention at all and they do have kind of a cordial brother sister almost type relationship, not romantic at all. She has totally fallen out of love with him, if she was ever in love with him to begin with.

Anyway, we've been friends for over a year, although we kind of knew each other in high school, but only got close the last year or so. I think her feelings have turned and she looks at me as much more than a friend, but I have kept her at arms length for obvious reasons.

But point is she has had this pattern with me for about a year now. We will be getting along great, chatting a bit through the computer etc., but if I don't respond to her immediately sometimes, or comment on her FB posts or something, she will get really upset and start in with, I never pay her any attention, I never comment positively on her posts (although I do all the time) yada yada. I realize she sounds like she's 16, but she's 40.

Then on top of that, she will get mad over something trivial, due to me not responding immediately or whatever and defriend me off FB. She has literally defriended me about 15 or 20 times, then she cools off, apologizes profusely, I'm so sorry, I realize I don't have the right to monopolize your time yada yada. And I always re-accept her new friend request and accept her apology etc., and then she's fine for a few weeks and it all repeats over again. She'll find something trivial to get upset about and the pattern repeats.

So this last time, she got pretty insulting, saying I was only responding to her when I wanted to come swim at their pool, or whatever, implying I was using her. Which is totally not the case at all, I have only been to her pool once, although we had talked about it quite a bit since they are building a really nice new pool at their new house. There was a lot more to it, but it was pretty insulting. Then of course a week goes by and she is sooooo sorry, can't believe she said that, even admitted she acts like a 16 year old girl and needs to grow up etc., but I have basically told her she ruined the friendship and I have not accepted her new friend request.

I'm asking what would you do? She has been the best friend ever at times, but repeats this same behavior, I've more or less made up my mind to just stay away from her, I don't need the roller coaster, I think her feelings are much more involved than she will admit which is why she's acting this way in the first place. But I do feel like I'm losing a great friend at the same time. I feel like if I give in again the pattern will repeat again. Just interested in hearing what you think.

Personally, I would not deal with the drama and childish behavior. Let her defriend you and just tell her that you think she needs to work on her marriage and that you can't deal with the drama. She WILL keep doing the same thing over and over again.

 

[Uncle Remus]

Do you have a friend like this? Repeating bad behavior?

I have this friend, she has for the most part been the best friend you could ever ask for. She is also a really good Christian and good person in general. But although her marriage isn't terrible, she has a good guy for a husband who I will also add is rich, building a big new mansion as we speak for them, but with all that she is unhappy. She is not a materialistic person and those things don't make her happy. She is basically a typical bored rich housewife that is spoiled and unhappy. In her defense her husband does not pay her any attention at all and they do have kind of a cordial brother sister almost type relationship, not romantic at all. She has totally fallen out of love with him, if she was ever in love with him to begin with.

Anyway, we've been friends for over a year, although we kind of knew each other in high school, but only got close the last year or so. I think her feelings have turned and she looks at me as much more than a friend, but I have kept her at arms length for obvious reasons.

But point is she has had this pattern with me for about a year now. We will be getting along great, chatting a bit through the computer etc., but if I don't respond to her immediately sometimes, or comment on her FB posts or something, she will get really upset and start in with, I never pay her any attention, I never comment positively on her posts (although I do all the time) yada yada. I realize she sounds like she's 16, but she's 40.

Then on top of that, she will get mad over something trivial, due to me not responding immediately or whatever and defriend me off FB. She has literally defriended me about 15 or 20 times, then she cools off, apologizes profusely, I'm so sorry, I realize I don't have the right to monopolize your time yada yada. And I always re-accept her new friend request and accept her apology etc., and then she's fine for a few weeks and it all repeats over again. She'll find something trivial to get upset about and the pattern repeats.

So this last time, she got pretty insulting, saying I was only responding to her when I wanted to come swim at their pool, or whatever, implying I was using her. Which is totally not the case at all, I have only been to her pool once, although we had talked about it quite a bit since they are building a really nice new pool at their new house. There was a lot more to it, but it was pretty insulting. Then of course a week goes by and she is sooooo sorry, can't believe she said that, even admitted she acts like a 16 year old girl and needs to grow up etc., but I have basically told her she ruined the friendship and I have not accepted her new friend request.

I'm asking what would you do? She has been the best friend ever at times, but repeats this same behavior, I've more or less made up my mind to just stay away from her, I don't need the roller coaster, I think her feelings are much more involved than she will admit which is why she's acting this way in the first place. But I do feel like I'm losing a great friend at the same time. I feel like if I give in again the pattern will repeat again. Just interested in hearing what you think.

Nope, I dump those kinda "friends," you probably should run away from her, fast.

 

[Lynne M]

Have you been very clear with her about your own feelings? Did you ever plainly tell her that you value her friendship greatly, but you're not interested in a romantic relationship?

I think you're right, she's seeing this as more-than-a-friendship, and she's expecting you to act/respond as a SO/boyfriend/partner would. You're not acting that way, so her feelings get hurt, and she lashes out.

She's probably not going to take it well, but I think the only kind thing to do is to gently be clear that you're not interested in romance.

 

[Coonhound]

Would be honest and say you fEel like it's a roller coaster because she's constantly getting mad, defriending, cooling off, and refriending- and it's become too much and at this point you want to get off the ride.

 

[Buckalew11]

I'd cut the ties. She needs help, seriously. She needs to focus on her marriage and stop entertaining thoughts of you or anyone else she does this with. My guess is you are not the only one--it is anyone who pays attention to her. Her DH is probably over all the foolishness. One cannot "turn it off" and be OK with others. So, he's probably tuned her shenanigans out and she's turned to you and whoever will pay attention to her.

If you have any contact with her, I'd suggest focusing on that faith that she supposedly has. Tell her to buy a copy of The Love Dare and try to save the marriage that should be sacred to her.

 

[TheAviator]

Would be honest and say you fEel like it's a roller coaster because she's constantly getting mad, defriending, cooling off, and refriending- and it's become too much and at this point you want to get off the ride.

Funny that's exactly what I did say, I told her I don't like bumpy real roller coasters and I don't like these kind of roller coasters either and I was getting off that ride.

 

[TheAviator]

Have you been very clear with her about your own feelings? Did you ever plainly tell her that you value her friendship greatly, but you're not interested in a romantic relationship?

I think you're right, she's seeing this as more-than-a-friendship, and she's expecting you to act/respond as a SO/boyfriend/partner would. You're not acting that way, so her feelings get hurt, and she lashes out.

She's probably not going to take it well, but I think the only kind thing to do is to gently be clear that you're not interested in romance.

THere is no doubt this is true, she even said as much, she said I realize I can't treat you like a husband yada yada.

 

[Buckalew11]

Oh and let's remember, when people are unhappy in their marriages, they ALWAYS seem to say, " I don't think I was ever happy." And things like that. ********. They forget, or do not WANT to remember the happy times. Because maybe remembering those happy times with 'cause them to feel the need to stay and work things out. If she is really unhappy, she probably stays for the $$$, which is sooo wrong. Or, she'd leave IF she had other arms to run to and know that she'd be taken care of after leaving a good financial situation.

She's playing a lot of games. Pick up your marbles and go home.

 

[Coonhound]

Oh wait- is she trying to have a romantic relationship with you? I though she was an immature friend but a friend nonetheless. If she's trying to be romantic with you this is whole different story lol

 

[aaarcher86]

That type of friendship is far too exhausting for me. I cant do needy. It can be hard to let go when there is a history but it can often be the best choice.

 

[sbtrfly74]

First I would turn off chat when your not at the pc or feel like talking.

2nd Id send her a msg if she defriends you again it will be the last time, and mean it. I wouldnt keep accepting her request.

Thats if you want to keep her friendship but if it were me Id say see-ya! I had a cousin like that and she would call my house, then my cell then my house again and leave a msg saying "I know your home." I didnt care she was family, distant family but she got too creepy for me to deal with anymore.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Nope, I dump those kinda "friends," you probably should run away from her, fast.

x2! I think you should slowly creep away from her. I think youre right, that she probably has deeper feelings for you than you realise. She has a lot of growing up to do, at the same time, she should concentrate on her own marriage. She's turning to you for attention when she should be turning to her husband and working it out with him.

I couldnt put up with that type of rollercoaster 'friendship'. No way no how!

 

[wiigirl]

Nope, I dump those kinda "friends," you probably should run away from her, fast.

Exactly...

 

[TheAviator]

That type of friendship is far too exhausting for me. I cant do needy. It can be hard to let go when there is a history but it can often be the best choice.

I know, I've told her being a great friend at times is totally negated by the repetitive bad behavior. You can't be a best friend one minute then nasty the next.

 

[TheAviator]

Oh wait- is she trying to have a romantic relationship with you? I though she was an immature friend but a friend nonetheless. If she's trying to be romantic with you this is whole different story lol

All the hints were thrown out there, all done in a joking sense, as in, so if I got a divorce would you marry me? Etc etc, stuff like that.

 

[sbtrfly74]

All the hints were thrown out there, all done in a joking sense, as in, so if I got a divorce would you marry me? Etc etc, stuff like that.

Yup my creep meter just went through the roof, I wish I knew the Dr. Phil air date of the episode that sounds just like this situation. Run

 

[FlyingDumbo]

Drop her like a bad habit. She is an attention seeking drama queen and people like this will never reciprocate the friendship when you need them. You spend all your time trying to deal wit their drama, then when you need something they are too busy with themselves to be there for you. Her world revolves around her. Look up borderline personality. They will suck you dry. Run!

 

[BlovesC]

Drop her like a bad habit. She is an attention seeking drama queen and people like this will never reciprocate the friendship when you need them.

Absolutely. You mentioned she's bored and lonely...she's trying to solve both problems by using you for attention, and then throwing little fits here and there that you both have to 'work through' to repair the friendship. She's escaping her apparent unhappiness by writing herself into a soap opera, and congrats, you're a costar! Now it's up to you to break your contract.

 

[carrie1626]

I have this friend, she has for the most part been the best friend you could ever ask for. She is also a really good Christian and good person in general. But although her marriage isn't terrible, she has a good guy for a husband who I will also add is rich, building a big new mansion as we speak for them, but with all that she is unhappy. She is not a materialistic person and those things don't make her happy. She is basically a typical bored rich housewife that is spoiled and unhappy. In her defense her husband does not pay her any attention at all and they do have kind of a cordial brother sister almost type relationship, not romantic at all. She has totally fallen out of love with him, if she was ever in love with him to begin with.

Anyway, we've been friends for over a year, although we kind of knew each other in high school, but only got close the last year or so. I think her feelings have turned and she looks at me as much more than a friend, but I have kept her at arms length for obvious reasons.

But point is she has had this pattern with me for about a year now. We will be getting along great, chatting a bit through the computer etc., but if I don't respond to her immediately sometimes, or comment on her FB posts or something, she will get really upset and start in with, I never pay her any attention, I never comment positively on her posts (although I do all the time) yada yada. I realize she sounds like she's 16, but she's 40.

Then on top of that, she will get mad over something trivial, due to me not responding immediately or whatever and defriend me off FB. She has literally defriended me about 15 or 20 times, then she cools off, apologizes profusely, I'm so sorry, I realize I don't have the right to monopolize your time yada yada. And I always re-accept her new friend request and accept her apology etc., and then she's fine for a few weeks and it all repeats over again. She'll find something trivial to get upset about and the pattern repeats.

So this last time, she got pretty insulting, saying I was only responding to her when I wanted to come swim at their pool, or whatever, implying I was using her. Which is totally not the case at all, I have only been to her pool once, although we had talked about it quite a bit since they are building a really nice new pool at their new house. There was a lot more to it, but it was pretty insulting. Then of course a week goes by and she is sooooo sorry, can't believe she said that, even admitted she acts like a 16 year old girl and needs to grow up etc., but I have basically told her she ruined the friendship and I have not accepted her new friend request.

I'm asking what would you do? She has been the best friend ever at times, but repeats this same behavior, I've more or less made up my mind to just stay away from her, I don't need the roller coaster, I think her feelings are much more involved than she will admit which is why she's acting this way in the first place. But I do feel like I'm losing a great friend at the same time. I feel like if I give in again the pattern will repeat again. Just interested in hearing what you think.

You have NOT lost a friend. see BOLD above: that's not friend behavior
Your BAD HABIT of communicating with her should, and needs to be done with!!