Do you give a gift when they say dont?

[Shyvioletisme]

If I am invited to a nice dinner at a friend's house, I bring a bottle of wine or a fruit basket. If I'm invited to a wedding, I bring an appropriate gift or a card including a donation to an appropriate charity. If I'm invited to a birthday party for a child, he/she gets a gift. If I'm invited to a cookout, I will stop by a local pastry shop and bring a dessert.



It's not rocket science, ladies. Custom dictates that most social occasions you don't show up empty handed.

Go ahead and try and buck it, but you just look like a freeloader or ignorant.

wow that's harsh and an assumption that these things are the same where everyone lives. I know here you'd get looked at weird if you showed up to dinner at a friends with a gift(unless specifically asked to bring food for the party) or at a cookout(again unless specifically asked to bring something). Just because you show up empty handed to something doesn't make you rude if it's the norm in your area. As to the OP's dilemma, you absolutely do not bring a gift. If anything I might bring a nice card with a note inside.

also, here it has been the norm since I was a child(and I'm 28 now) for registry/gift information to be included on all invites(birthday, wedding, etc), so while some people in certain places may see it as tacky, that's just how things are done here.

 

[disykat]

If I am invited to a nice dinner at a friend's house, I bring a bottle of wine or a fruit basket. If I'm invited to a wedding, I bring an appropriate gift or a card including a donation to an appropriate charity. If I'm invited to a birthday party for a child, he/she gets a gift. If I'm invited to a cookout, I will stop by a local pastry shop and bring a dessert.



It's not rocket science, ladies. Custom dictates that most social occasions you don't show up empty handed.

Go ahead and try and buck it, but you just look like a freeloader or ignorant.

It is not ignorant to follow a request of the host, nor is it considered freeloading to attend a party as an invited guest. Is is, however, considered rude to assume people WILL bring gifts.

 

[NMAmy]

This chest ends up on the birthday gift table. Even though I tell the Mom that it wasn't a gift...blah, blah, blah...it remained on the gift table.

Okay, if they had requested no gifts, why in the world did they have a gift table? For those that ignored our wishes and brought us a gift, I immediately put the gift into my bedroom where no one would see it.

It's not rocket science, ladies. Custom dictates that most social occasions you don't show up empty handed.

Go ahead and try and buck it, but you just look like a freeloader or ignorant.

Well, since we're being blunt, I'd say that if you bring a gift when requested not to, you look as if you have no reading comprehension skills. It's not rocket science to honor your host's requests, either, it's good manners.

 

[Disneyrsh]

ok

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[NMAmy]

Because saying "no gifts" is pretentious and disingenous, and a favorite tactic of control freaks. Which is why there was a gift table.

Or it could be that some people would just like to celebrate with their family and friends with no expectation of a gift. I can't imagine having friends that I considered pretentious and disingenuous for wanting that.

 

[Jennasis]

Well.. I'm still confused as to what to do. I get the fact it's their request, I still feel weird going with nothing. Oh.. and we didn't go to their first wedding, since we didn't know them then, so we never gave them the 1st gift. But.. I know I have written no gifts for my DH's 40th bday, and everyone brought a gift anyway, and I felt bad, I didn't want them to feel obligated to bring something, but everyone did anyway, I know he wouldn't have been upset, but it's a weird thing for people to come empty handed. Maybe a bottle of wine as someone mentioned, since it's not completely empty handed, and if they don't want it, they can give it to someone else I suppose. Who doesn't enjoy a good bottle of wine?

Me actually. I don't drink alcohol at all. Wine tastes especially vile to me and DH. We get wine as gifts on occassion. It sits in a cabinet in our diningroom for a while and then gets tossed.

If I am invited to a nice dinner at a friend's house, I bring a bottle of wine or a fruit basket. If I'm invited to a wedding, I bring an appropriate gift or a card including a donation to an appropriate charity. If I'm invited to a birthday party for a child, he/she gets a gift. If I'm invited to a cookout, I will stop by a local pastry shop and bring a dessert.



It's not rocket science, ladies. Custom dictates that most social occasions you don't show up empty handed.

Go ahead and try and buck it, but you just look like a freeloader or ignorant.

POSSIBLE, under usual circumstances. But if the host specifies "no gifts, please" I can't see how showing up giftless would make you look like a free loader.

BTW, anyone who throws parties just for the gifts is a sad sad individual. In other words, to think poorly of an invited guest showing up empty handed is just as awful (greedy actually) as one who shows up empty handed. FTR, I would never go to a party without a gift of some kind, because that's how I roll...unless the invite or host specifically requested no gifts.

Parties aren't for GIFTS. They are for CELEBRATING.

 

[ksjayhawks]

If it says no gifts on the invitation, I follow their wishes. I do take a card (nothing inside it--just the card.) It doesn't bother me to take my card and see other gifts.

I have been at events where people have brought gifts when asked not to and it has put the hosts in an awkward position, especially when someone urges them to open their gifts. At one party, there was no table, so the gifts were given to one of the hosts and then whisked away out of sight. At another, gifts left on a guest book table "mysteriously" disappeared as well.

I had a friend who received gifts one time when "no gifts" had been requested. She opened them, wrote a thank you, and then donated the gifts to appropriate charities, women's shelter, etc. She commented something to the effect of "why can't people follow directions when it says no gifts".

So, please if it says "no gifts" honor that request and if you must take something, take a nice card.

 

[Scurvy]

Because saying "no gifts" is pretentious and disingenous, and a favorite tactic of control freaks. Which is why there was a gift table.

I apologize if I am confusing you with another poster, but aren't you the person who is advising the OP of another thread to intentionally disrupt or ruin her cousin's wedding as a way of "burning bridges"? Because if so, I'm not sure that anyone needs to be taking your advice about things like this too seriously. You don't exactly come across as a paragon of etiquette.

 

[Missy1961]

I apologize if I am confusing you with another poster, but aren't you the person who is advising the OP of another thread to intentionally disrupt or ruin her cousin's wedding as a way of "burning bridges"? Because if so, I'm not sure that anyone needs to be taking your advice about things like this too seriously. You don't exactly come across as a paragon of etiquette.

Yes, you are correct.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Because saying "no gifts" is pretentious and disingenous, and a favorite tactic of control freaks.

Ooooo...I want to invite you to one of MY parties! Good times, good times.

 

[NMAmy]

I apologize if I am confusing you with another poster, but aren't you the person who is advising the OP of another thread to intentionally disrupt or ruin her cousin's wedding as a way of "burning bridges"? Because if so, I'm not sure that anyone needs to be taking your advice about things like this too seriously. You don't exactly come across as a paragon of etiquette.

Okay, now I don't feel so badly about being called pretentious, disingenuous, and a control freak.

 

[Missy1961]

Okay, now I don't feel so badly about being called pretentious, disingenuous, and a control freak.

 

[bumbershoot]

Custom dictates that most social occasions you don't show up empty handed.

Go ahead and try and buck it, but you just look like a freeloader or ignorant.

So if custom dictates that you bring something, why is it then soooo presumptuous to believe that people will want to bring something? And if you do not WANT them to bring something, and you know they will b/c of custom, why is it bad to try to stop that?

Because saying "no gifts" is pretentious and disingenous, and a favorite tactic of control freaks.

That doesn't even make sense.

You yourself are talking about the custom of bringing something, so it's not pretentious to believe that people will bring something.

One of the girls that came to DD's party is now having her b'day party. She put on her invite, "no gifts." However, she brought a gift for DD. Ugh! Now DD feels like she needs to get her something. I kind of agree. Normally I would follow the instructions on the invite but since this girl didn't, DD feels like she owes her a gift now. WWYD?

She should ask the girl why she brought a gift. Perhaps her own mom forced her to bring a gift, but she didn't want to b/c of your daughter's stated wish?

According to etiquette, gifts should never be mentioned on an invitation. It's considered rude. Gift preferences should be communicated by word of mouth, and only if someone actually asks what you prefer. The way I see it, if someone feels strongly enough about not receiving gifts that they are willing put it on the invitation even though it's not appropriate to do so, then I will honor their wishes and not give a gift.

While I still do believe that (and refused to include registry info in the invitation that I was in charge of (maid of honor included something about registries in the invite for the shower she gave me, but I had no say in that)), I also think that "word of mouth" worked much much better when relatives were readily available to talk to about plans.

When I was planning my wedding, it was me myself and I! No mom, no interested stepmom, aunt lived across the country...so I was the only one to ask. And ask, they did. I didn't even want a registry, wanting gifts that came from the heart (3 things came from the heart...a lamp that I thought wasn't my style but is still my bedside table light, bright green candlesticks that are awesome, and a fabulous soup tureen shaped like a big cauliflower and I love it!), but I also didn't expect the barrage of calls and emails "what do you want what do you want"...so I made the registry and let them know.

Whereas with my sis in law, she and my brother got married young enough that her mom was totally in charge, and she vetted all the calls from the bride's side (we have a very small family so it was easy to take care of our side, and they met in college so most of their friends were THEIR friends). Much easier than phoning the bride...

So while I agree with word of mouth, I think it's harder now when your only choice sometimes is to contact the person busy planning the party who barely has time to breathe, let alone tell everyone just what she wants, or in this case, that she doesn't need a single thing. (b/c that's a convo that goes on for a surprisingly long time, multiplied by the number of people who call!)

Okay, if they had requested no gifts, why in the world did they have a gift table?

Probably b/c they suddenly realized they needed such a thing. Perhaps they didn't think to just put the gifts in a back room.

 

[2binak]

I have always honored their wishes and not brought a gift to their event. I do bring a card though.

 

[Becky2005]

I believe that if someone goes to the effort to state "no gifts", then they MEAN no gifts.

It's the guests who feel weird showing up empty-handed that ruin it!

So I say, respect what they've stated on the invite.

I know my parents are old enough now to not really NEED or want more stuff in their house. We attempted the "no gifts" thing so many times and it always ends up with 90% of the people bringing gifts. We gave up and didn't even put it on the invitation for my mom's 70th birthday as we knew people would just show up with them anyway.

We put the"no gifts" on there because we knew they would be perfectly happy with just a meal getting together with their friends.

 

[Scurvy]

People always say that and I honestly believe this is one rule of etiquette that HAS changed! The reason you can mention it now is because people now assume an invitation is a gift request. The only way to correct that assumption is to say it. IMO, it is not rude to correct a misunderstanding.

The reason it is considered rude to mention gifts on an invitation is because one should never assume someone will be bringing you a gift. Saying "no gifts" is not making that assumption, it is correcting that assumption.

I can see what you mean. I don't completely agree that it has already changed, but it does seem to be heading that way. And I do think that Bumbershoot has a point that passing info through word of mouth might be more difficult these days than it used to be. I do think the "no gifts" thing is understandable. I still don't like it, but I don't think it's anywhere near as objectionable as dictating what gifts people should give you.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I just could NOT go empty-handed.

But, I would send in the mail a nice giftcard for dinner at a nice place near them.

This way, I'm not walking in with a gift yet I wouldn't be empty-handed. Plus, I think that after 25 years of marriage, I'd WANT to send them something regardless of them having a party.

 

[wdwfan16]

I think it is rude to put any reference to a gift, be it bring X, give cash or do not bring a gift.

It is up to the guest to decide what to bring or not bring.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I would put money or a GC in a card. There's no way I would go empty handed.

Same here. I was brought up to "cover my plate."