Do you ever feel like you're a big disappointment to your family?

[disnygoof]

I often feel that way from my family, too, especially in a sense where they are comparing me with my brother. I won't go into details because I've chosen to get over it and not let it bother me. I'm a happy person, I live a happy life and I love my family. So some things they say to me aren't going to get to me enough to stop loving them. Unfortunately, that has happened with my aunt and grandmother on my Mom's side enough to where we don't speak to them. It's happened before, too. So since I do NOT want to be like that with my daughter (how could a mother NOT talk to her daughter or grandkids???), I chose to be the bigger person and let it roll of my shoulders.

All in all, I think families act this way because they want something better for their children, etc. than they have. And many don't know how to express that in a healthy way to each other. I don't think that they intend to make you feel badly. Just be a good person and do the best you can do with your life. They will truly love you no matter what.

 

[sm4987]

All the time!!! They brag on my husband more than they have to say anything about me. I just try not to be around them much as it brings on a serious downer! Hope you feel better!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

My father makes me nuts this way too. Nothing I could ever do would make that man proud of me. I love my Dad but I know I can never please him so I just stopped trying and WHAT a relief that was.

Once he realized that his nagging and lecturing fell on deaf ears then he stopped doing it (well almost stopped - he still has his moments).

 

[joshsmom]

Yes, I know how you feel. I'm the only one in my family with a college degree, but I'm also the only one that is (BIG GASP) D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D!!!! I have a good job, "but MY doesn't your friend have SO MUCH ENERGY. How come you don't? You're the same age!" Uh, ok, she has a husband, does NOT have a medically complex child, and is NOT in school full time as well as working full time. I wonder why I'm tired???!!! And you know, I don't use one of my undergraduate degrees. "WHEN will you speak SPANISH to someone???!!! It seems like you just WASTED that education" And, "I wonder why you're so overweight when both your sisters are so thin??"

I love my mom, I take her everywhere with me when we travel. But sometimes she just gets under my skin. That's when I know its time to take a few days off and have time to myself. I don't like being upset with her, but some of the things she says are so hurtful.

to you for what you're going through. I completely understand.

 

[beachbunny]

I used to feel that way for many years, but with age I've gotten over it. Here are my mom's list of complaints in no specific order: I'm "only" a lawyer in a family of doctors (both 'rents and sibs are part of the fraternity); I don't have kids (my brother has three and my sister is still finishing her residency but has expressed a desire to have several); and (gasp!) I go to WDW way too often. You can't live anyone else's life but your own.

 

[Stacerita]

Yep, I feel like a big disappointment to my family most of the time. And its all because of one thing.....Im not married. Yep, thats why. And do you know how I know this? They told me. They have come right out and said that if I want to make them happy then I need to get married. It totally irks them that I haven't gotten married yet. I have even been called selfish for not getting married. So yeah, I feel like a disappointment, but thats because I am told I am disappointing them.

 

[Imzadi]

I know someone who is a successful doctor, sweet, funny, and very compasionate; and his family looks down on him. I feel like shaking some sense into his parents!

As a trained therapist, I learned that almost every family has a dynamic and certain family members fall into certain "roles" they've been unconsciously given within the family, most from childhood. The roles are more obvious in dysfunctional families. (Not saying yours or the one quoted above is.) It's just that in dysfunctional familes, the extremes of the roles are more obvious. The roles are ones like: "The Successful one", "The Failure", "The Saint", "The Black Sheep", "The Rebel", vs. "The Good Girl/Boy", "The Caretaker", "The Princess".

The example in the quote above, the doctor must have been given "The one everyone looks down on." He may have even become a sucessful doctor in response to try to change that family image of him. OP, you must have been given "The Disappointment" in the family.

The dynamics of the roles help other members to know their place within the family, and the positive roles can compare themselves to the lesser roles & feel a sense of power, certainty, etc. within the family,

But it can also be a straightjacket. It's a lot of pressure for "The Successful one" to always measure up in the family.

And it is nearly impossible for the more negative roles like "The Failure", "The Black Sheep", "The Disappointment", to change their images, no matter how successful they become, because it displaces the other family members from their perceived roles & places. You can't have TWO "Successful" family members, especially in a dysfunctional family, because what does that make of the REST of the family if "The Disappointment" suddenly becomes a "Successful" one too? So the family collectively never really acknowledge much success. By their mutual silences, non-acknowledgement or perceptively long pauses after a positive announcement from "The Disappointment", they actually invalidate any success or accomplishments - thus keeping the staus quo in place.

 

[Imzadi]

If so, how do you deal with it? It usually takes me a few days after visits to get over the guilty feeling.

I also wanted to add that a great book to read on this is:
"Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw. It is not guilt you are feeling after a visit, but Shame. The feelings are slightly different & the distinction is crucial.

Here's an excerpt from the book: Amazon excerpt