Do you ever feel like you're a big disappointment to your family?

[CJK]

We just got back from a family weekend visit, and I'm feeling a little down. I love my family (immediate and extended), but I can't help but feel like a disappointment to them. They don't come out and say it, but little subtle comments are made. I don't have children, I don't have what they consider "a real job", and in general, they think I'm not doing enough with my life.

Do any of you feel that way? If so, how do you deal with it? It usually takes me a few days after visits to get over the guilty feeling.

Thanks for listening.

 

[kdibattista]

 

[princess pooh]

I'm sorry your family made you feel that way . If you're happy and you're not dissapointed - that's what really counts.

I know someone who is a successful doctor, sweet, funny, and very compasionate; and his family looks down on him. I feel like shaking some sense into his parents!

 

[SDFgirl]

I used to. I stayed very attached to my parents until my mid-twenties...and they (well, my mom really) kept telling me I had to go out and "meet somebody" and quit hanging out with them so much. On top of that, I am always about 10 to 15 pounds overweight. Not horrible, but I hate the long "up and down" look my mom would give me to gauge if I've lost/gained weight! Made me so uncomfortable.

Now that I'm married and have a career, it's like she's relaxed a little and accepts me for who I am. But sometimes I wish she had been more supportive of me when I was still trying to figure it all out.

Just try not to let it get to you. I know that's tough, but if you're happy with your choices (or even if you aren't!), remind yourself that life is a journey with no set "end point." Everybody travels different paths at different paces. I'm sure they are only concerned because they love you, but sooner or later you have to tune all the negativity out. Good luck!

 

[georgina]

We deal with it by not seeing my family very much. My mom in particular is a very critical person and is no fun to be around. I try not to subject my kids to her very much because I'm used to her, but it is bewildering to them. She complains about not seeing her grandchildren very much, but won't listen when I try to tell her why. I have had to hang up on her when she calls, sometimes she just goes on and on over the phone about what I do wrong in my life! So I understand how you are feeling.

 

[epcotfan]

I feel the same way every day.

 

[LoriKay]

I could be the Queen of England and my mother still wouldn't be impressed. I just don't let it get to me. I'm sorry that your family makes you feel that way.

 

[olena]

They don't come out and say it, but little subtle comments are made. I don't have children, I don't have what they consider "a real job", and in general, they think I'm not doing enough with my life.

Oh, how that resonated with me. We have no children and we just may not. I do a lot of volunteer and non-profit work. At least, according to their standards, I did one thing right in my choice of husband....

All that aside, I'm pretty happy. I gave up on trying to please family members a long time ago. It just ain't worth the trouble. Not all of them have this attitude, but the ones that do tend to grate my nerves. I have quite a few female relatives who think I was disrespectful to my Mother by going to college, instead of popping out a grandchild for her as soon as it was biologically possible. What WAS I thinking.....

 

[LiteBrite]

First thing - big hug

Hubby and I both used to get this feeling a lot, not from my family, but from his. His family is very business/money/success oriented, and hubby was making a meagre living as a musician in the early days of our marriage. They very much pressured him to get a "real job", and couldn't stand our poverty-stricken lifestyle and especially hubby's down-to-the-waist hair.

As the years have gone by, our situation has improved quite a bit, but we've never gotten as conventional or had as much money as it would have taken to satisfy them (although they'd probably like hubby's short hair a lot better now). Sadly, both his parents passed away within 18 months of each other about 10 years ago, so we never got to find out if their attitude would ever have really changed. As it was, we just learned to let it roll of our backs the best we could.

His brother and sister, who used to disapprove of us just as much as his parents did, have mellowed quite a bit over the years since their parents died, and now he has a really good relationship with both of them.

Hang in there, live your life the way you want to, and just do your best to love your family in spite of how they make you feel. Hopefully they'll learn to respect you for the person you are, the way hubby's siblings eventually did.

 

[Robinrs]

What matters is how YOU feel about yourself. Success is measured by everyone differently. What is important to some is nothing to others and vice versa.

How we feel about ourselves is reflected by others. If deep down you don't feel worthy, everyone else will agree with you.

To answer your question, I don't believe so, so no one else does.

 

[CathrynRose]

Completely and totally.

With the whole thing with my mom dying a couple months ago, it floored me (and still floors me) the way my ENTIRE family treated me. Like some piece of garbage - at my mom's death bed.

Thing is - my mom was the only one who never felt like that about me, so I took it all with a grain of salt. Telling myself, she doesnt think this way, she doesnt feel this way - over and over. Ill tell you though, it was hard.

To be quite honest with you - if God has a plan for all of us - he waited to take my Mom until I was a bit more stable in all facets of my life. I needed to be settled and moving on up, before my Mom could go - and Im grateful for that.

But YES - I dont think your situation is that uncommon, either. Those lovely family members havent called me once since her death...her only child.

 

[PooohBear]

Yes I always have ! BUT as I get older I realize that I am happier than most of my family even though I don't have a very successful career and I am not a perfect specimen like they are, I have always felt like the black sheep...... but a happy one none the less

Believe me, as long as YOU are happy, that's all that really matters, I know you might feel bad now, but it will pass and quite possibly they will envy you in the long run

 

[VSL]

Sometimes. But you know what? I don't care!

Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but I just will not live my life for someone else (well, maybe my future children - but that's a lot different!).

I think, more than anything, they're disappointed that I'm not really close to any of them - I don't know why though, I've never been close to them (and I'm especially not a hug and kiss type person - I'm only comfortable with my BF giving me a hug... and don't even get me started on saying 'I love you' to people ). I've been lied to a bit too much as well.

Sometimes, you got to take it with a pinch of salt. If you're happy with yourself, that's really the most important thing (there can't be anything much worse than living a lie).

OT: PooohBear - that pic of your kitty is adorable! (and I am not a cat person!)

 

[crazelion]

Lord I know what mean. My family get on my nerves. I don't have job at the moment is unemployed, tell me i need get my hair, I'm to fat, I never amount to nothing, and basicly hurt my feels. I starting to see it in my mother to now. I seriously thinking about moving out as soon get on my feet becasue of a foster child situatiuon.

I have come with terms that I am different from my family. I know how to have fun and better money manger than everyone else is.

I am the first person that went to college and gradution from with a degree. I so proud of my self.

I am starting speaking up for myself and now and my family can't stand it now. I told them the reason they don't like it now because I start to take up for myself.

Now every time now go hurt my feelings I put stop to it now. Sometimes it get ugly but I feel good about self.

If don't love yourself who will.

I getting my self confidence back now and feels good..

Now if only learn to spell and english grammar I will have made.

 

[Crankyshank]

Yup. I don't recall a time where I've never thought I wasn't a huge disappointment. It's tough especially with having thin, successful, popular younger siblings. My Mother has her fridge covered in photos of the family. I am in exactly 1 of them and I was 13 at the time. DH is in none. Dsis, DB, and their boyfriend/girlfriend are all over the fridge. Hell even the dog has more pictures on the fridge than me. It makes me feel like dung every time I'm in my parents' kitchen because I know it's because I am overweight and less attractive.
How do I deal with it? Beagle licks help. I try to not let it bug me too much and I try to keep in mind how much DH loves me and the good things I've done with my life. It doesn't always work but it helps.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

I just want to DITTO what Robinrs said!! She hit the nail on the head! Also, when other people (family or not) are truly happy and fulfilled in their own lives, they don't have the time nor the inclination to judge others.

If you are good with yourself, that's all that matters.

 

[PooohBear]

VSL...... Thanks !

 

[pkrimier]

I am a mom and a grandmother and as long as my kids and grandkids are happy and self supporting in whatever they chose to do in life I am happy too.
As long as what they are doing is legal and morally right then more power to them.

Now I can understand being disappointed if your loved ones are breaking the law and into bad "stuff" but no one has the right to look down on another if they are living life the way they want and are happy.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad for being happy in what you do and how you live your life.

 

[CJK]

Thank you to everyone for your support and kind words. While it's comforting hearing that so many of you are going through the same thing, it's also sad to me that so many of us feel disappointment from our families. Pkrimier said it well when she said that as long as her children and grandchildren are happy and living a moral life, she's happy for them. We should all live like that shouldn't we?

In the meantime......thanks for your encouragement. I will try to let it go. Thanks again.

 

[lucas]

CJK: I know what you mean. I feel that way all the time.

CathrynRose: I'm so sorry.