do you ever feel guilty?

[Svhadden]

I grew up in a very, very middle class family, one of three kids, and it was just always understood that my parents could not pay for my college education. I was totally fine with that. Not once did I then, or have I ever (at 40 yrs old) felt that they "owed" it to me, or resented them for not paying my way through. I lived at home with them rent free, but worked and paid my own bills, car pmt, food, clothes, personal needs, etc. I got scholarships and grants, and did borrow to make up the difference. Actually, having to work and earn my way through taught me a lot. I saw so many of my classmates with a free ride party their way right out of school (not saying free ride=drop out). I earned and paid for every hour I spent on that campus, undergrad and grad, and it taught me at a young age that I can do hard things.

We are a homeschooling, one-and-a-half income family (I work very part time as a community-based therapist), and so we have to strictly prioritize how we spend $$$. We have no debt, and pay cash for our yearly WDW vacay. We do give 10% minimum to charity, and save, but we have no college fund for our kids. Granted, we live in a state that offers paid tuition if our kids meet certain (easily attainable) goals. And our kids will be welcome to live at home while in school, or working, or both.

We gave up a lot for me to stay home with our kids, but we're not willing to give up our yearly vacation. Some of our absolute BEST memories with our kids and as a family happen during that trip . Those are invaluable to us as parents. I know every family has to make their own decisions about this, but I'd say ditch the guilt, momma. As a single parent, you're already doing the job of two people, so I'd say take your joy where you find it with your kids. They WILL appreciate special memories, they most likely will NOT resent you for not handing them everything .

 

[Colleen27]

Half million dollar education? Is that even possible?

The college DD is most interested in right now runs just shy of $45K/year and she's got a few years for tuition to go up even more before she starts. $200K for undergrad is probably a fair estimate. And then she's looking at 4 years of graduate work. I haven't even looked into current or projected costs for that because DH & I decided long ago that funding the first 4 years is all we can hope to do (for all three kids), but I doubt it is any cheaper than the first 4 years.

Of course, all those numbers are before any financial aid. I hope that DD will receive some merit aid because she is a strong student, but if not she'll have to make some decisions about whether she wants to get her bachelors debt-free from an in-state public university or go into debt for the private or out-of-state universities she'd rather attend.

 

[Mickey'sApprentice]

The college DD is most interested in right now runs just shy of $45K/year and she's got a few years for tuition to go up even more before she starts. $200K for undergrad is probably a fair estimate. And then she's looking at 4 years of graduate work. I haven't even looked into current or projected costs for that because DH & I decided long ago that funding the first 4 years is all we can hope to do (for all three kids), but I doubt it is any cheaper than the first 4 years. Of course, all those numbers are before any financial aid. I hope that DD will receive some merit aid because she is a strong student, but if not she'll have to make some decisions about whether she wants to get her bachelors debt-free from an in-state public university or go into debt for the private or out-of-state universities she'd rather attend.

Do consider doing a cost benefit analysis before spending $45k/yr. in education expenses. You or your child or both of you have to live with this decision long term. Will this keep you from being to save for retirement? Will it keep her from buying a house, car, or starting a family?

She may have fallen in love with a fancy private school, but will it get her any farther than a prominent state school?

 

[RayRay13]

I totally know where you're coming from. Of course we want to plan for their futures but the 1st trip with just me, my DD (11) and DS (7), was truly magical for us. We splurged a little on dining and an onsite hotel but it was worth every dollar. I realized that sometimes right now is just as important as the future. As the mom of a preteen DD, I get a little weepy when I think about her flying away one day. She's my heart and so is my son who still holds my hand and wants to sit next to me on every ride. It's so precious to me to take that time to have a blast with them. They see me work hard and be practical everyday of our lives. Disney helps us dream a little long before we actually go. We watch all the ride videos on YouTube, rent Disney movies, check the wait times on the app and buy a few things at the Disney store. They help me clip coupons and save all the loose change in a piggy bank so we can plan our next adventure and we count down the days on a chalk board in the kitchen. The planning has become an extension of our trip. My parents and grandparents couldn't afford to take us more than one day once a year but those are some of my fondest memories I have now that they are gone. My grandmother loved "it's a small world" and I cried like a baby last year when I was standing in line and realized it was Mother's Day. It's worth it to me to let my kids have a few memories of Mom just being carefree and really being with them. We are AP's so now we go 3-4 times a year so every few months, we get to start planing another adventure. My DD will be 12 years old next week and we are heading up for a week at Pop to celebrate. Have fun with your kids. You deserve it and so do they. Hope your trip is magical <3

PS. I have already broken the news to my kids that if they want to go to college, I support them but I paid for mine, my parents paid for theirs so if they really want it they'll have to work hard for it.

 

[RayRay13]

I'm a hospice nurse, I know how much good memories mean. I know life can change for the worst in a split second. So I'm going to try really, really hard not to feel guilty.

That sure puts it into perspective. My Dad died almost 3 years ago at 65 but a year before he passed, my parents, my husband and our kids all went to Disney and Dad was just like a kid again. What a joy he got from being there with his grand kids. My kids were young but they remember too. It was a priceless memory. Going through his death was so hard but we were blessed with the support of hospice and were able to care for him at home and let the children become a part of the process. Now I know that you really deserve it because you are in a profession that helps so many people when they need it most. I have so much respect and gratitude for what you do <3

 

[djmeredith]

No, we don't feel guilty about how we spend our money. It is *our* money to spend/save as we wish, not our children's. Our kids know how much we are willing to contribute toward their higher education. The rest is up to them.

I don't understand why more parents don't take this attitude. When did students taking out a loan or working through college become a Scarlet Letter on the parents? I recently heard one of the money experts on NPR say that parents should never prioritize a kid's college fund over their own retirement. My parents made this mistake and are now paying dearly for it as my mom is 69 and was still working full time until she had a stroke in Feb. I'm 43, single, and have 3 degrees (I maxed out student loans for the second and third). I'm a state gov attorney who doesn't qualify for any loan forgiveness programs so I'll probably be paying my loans for the rest of my life. That's okay because I wouldn't trade my education for anything. I would've done things differently and not maxed out my loans in order to have extra spending money, but I've lived and learned. Teaching your kids responsible money management skills is far more important than being able to pay for their college.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

don't feel guilty. It's so important to live in the now (within reason and responsibility). Things can change in an instant and you never know what curveball life can throw at you. Too many people have the mindset that I'll do x when I get to y and feel they need to constantly live for the future.

Whenever anybody in my family gets too bogged down in a decision with possible future implications, we always say "the king could die, the horse could die, I could die" nobody has a crystal ball 5-10 years in to the future. You can plan for the future sacrificing everything and then some medical bills or force of nature wipes out all you savings and you have no money and only memories of sacrifice.

Be reasonably responsible but go enjoy your vacation!

 

[Princess_Nikki]

Nope, OP, I never feel guilty. Life is short, tomorrow is never promised, so make memories with your children. We save for each Disney trip too, and are tight with our budget.

 

[donkeyandshrek]

Last summer I was invited to go to the beach for a long weekend with some girlfriends. "I didn't need to spend the money" so I didn't go. Today is the funeral for one of those girlfriends. I've said a million times I wish I had gone with them --- I will never have the opportunity again.

 

[crisi]

No, but college for two kids at private schools if they choose (my son won't, he wants tech school) is fully funded as is retirement. At this point we (well, I'm currently on sabbatical) work simply to pay day to day expenses. We continue to save - so that perhaps we can retire early if we desire, but we've been able to travel - if not as much as we wanted, quite a bit - and save.

 

[Arielle22]

We never had college funds for our DDs. When they were little I was doing college at night and DH took some technical classes for his field.

We were not making enough for contributions to both retirement and college. I figured my DDs would not appreciate us living with them when we retired so we contributed to retirements.

Both DDs are now in state college. We had equity in our home and took out a HELO to pay for school. The agreement is we will pay the interest but they will have to pay the principal once they are out of college.

We take yearly vacations (not always Disney). We have lost family members suddenly so we don't want to always think "some day we will do this".

Our DDs are fine with our arrangement and tell us that it is more than many of their friends have received from their parents.

 

[disykat]

It's about balance. However, I'm in the minority on the DIS in that I prioritize college over vacation. We're fortunate to have been able to do both, but I would say college wins out.

My kids have been to WDW twice, they've been to DL once, the number of states they've visited is in the 20's. We've always taken an annual vacation, an annual camping weekend, car trips to see family, and lots of daytrip family outings. They've had vacations.

That said, we always lived frugally because college savings was a priority. They got jobs when they turned 16, and are expected to contribute. Between scholarships, their jobs, wise school choices and our contributions, our goal is debt free undergrad.

We could have afforded to go to WDW every year if that had been our priority, but we wouldn't be in the position we are now with our education funds. We could probably be traveling in Europe this summer rather than skipping vacation, but we're paying tuition etc. instead. I know my two in college right now are thankful we are able to cover tuition and much of their basic living expenses. If we'd vacationed more, I don't think it would have been better for them. If they'd had to take out a few loans it wouldn't have been the end of the world. But I think we found a balance that worked for our family.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Parents paying for college is a privledge, not a right.

I don't save for college. Most of my money goes into retirement and life insurance. We do vacations also. Life is short and I'm making memories with my kids. Sure I could take the $6000 I'm going to spend on our next vacation and put it into their college funds but it's my money. I work for it and I'll spend it how I see fit.

I work in a hospital and many of the physicians/surgeons do not fund their children's college educations. Many have said that they paid their own way through school and so should their children. And many of these went into the 400k+ student loan debt.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Also, OP, I was a single mom for 4 years. I've been divorced 5 years and went to Disney once during that time. So I completely understand where you are coming from. Now I live with my DF and life is a lot more stable and more income coming in.

I say make the memories with your children. My mother was also a single mother my whole childhood and it was rough. We never vacationed and we barely did anything.

 

[ceecee]

I had a college fund and didn't use it because I went to a community college for two years and it was cheap. I wish now I had gone away to college for 4 years and had that experience. I put that into DD's college fund and we added to it over the years. Now to my dismay she is talking about going to a community college. Her ACT was really high, she even got into an honor's program at the state university where DH and I wish she would go! I feel like she is blowing her chance, so the college fund will be my "Hawaii vacation fund! You can't count on your kid's doing what you want them to do. We have drilled into her head all of her life, you will go to college and now this. So I am really glad we have done a lot of vacations.

 

[Colleen27]

Do consider doing a cost benefit analysis before spending $45k/yr. in education expenses. You or your child or both of you have to live with this decision long term. Will this keep you from being to save for retirement? Will it keep her from buying a house, car, or starting a family?

She may have fallen in love with a fancy private school, but will it get her any farther than a prominent state school?

Oh, we've already drawn the line - like I said in my initial response on this thread, we're not giving up our lives to fund the very expensive educational wants of one of our children (no matter how much that guilty little voice in the back of my mind points out that our travel budget could contribute).

All three of our kids have known from a fairly early age that we will pay for college within certain limits, but if they want more than a good 4 year education at a public uni they'll have to step up to pay some of the costs (via loans or scholarships). And I trust that DD will make good choices when it comes down to it. She knows how we feel about debt, she has heard conversations with some of my friends who are still struggling with their own loans, and she knows that if she wants to go on to grad school she'll need to be money-smart about her undergrad options. But going to Catholic school, she's heard a lot about the very generous merit aid offers some Jesuit schools, including her top choice, have made to other students so she's hoping that if she works very hard she can get enough scholarship money to make it work. If not, she has two good (and more affordable) public universities in mind as well.

 

[crisi]

I had a college fund and didn't use it because I went to a community college for two years and it was cheap. I wish now I had gone away to college for 4 years and had that experience. I put that into DD's college fund and we added to it over the years. Now to my dismay she is talking about going to a community college. Her ACT was really high, she even got into an honor's program at the state university where DH and I wish she would go! I feel like she is blowing her chance, so the college fund will be my "Hawaii vacation fund! You can't count on your kid's doing what you want them to do. We have drilled into her head all of her life, you will go to college and now this. So I am really glad we have done a lot of vacations.

I have a similar situation with my son, who is probably trade school bound, and its for the best. But I don't regret saving it. If he doesn't use it, my daughter might for grad school. Or my husband and I can travel on it in retirement. Most likely we will let him use it to start a business - if he becomes an electrician, for instance, its better to be a guy who owns a truck and tools rather than a guy working for some other guy who owns a truck and tools. Its money, it spends in ways other than what you saved it for.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Last summer I was invited to go to the beach for a long weekend with some girlfriends. "I didn't need to spend the money" so I didn't go. Today is the funeral for one of those girlfriends. I've said a million times I wish I had gone with them --- I will never have the opportunity again.

So sorry for your loss Different kind of deal, but I went 2 years without seeing my grandfather. He lived a couple hours away. Easy car ride, but I always had some excuse not to go anytime anyone headed up for a weekend. Was finally supposed to see him on Christmas day, ended up carrying his casket on Christmas Eve. Never did get to see him again. 20+ years later, I still regret that. I guess the lesson learned is, go when you get the opportunity. You never know if there will be a next chance.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I had a college fund and didn't use it because I went to a community college for two years and it was cheap. I wish now I had gone away to college for 4 years and had that experience. I put that into DD's college fund and we added to it over the years. Now to my dismay she is talking about going to a community college. Her ACT was really high, she even got into an honor's program at the state university where DH and I wish she would go! I feel like she is blowing her chance, so the college fund will be my "Hawaii vacation fund! You can't count on your kid's doing what you want them to do. We have drilled into her head all of her life, you will go to college and now this. So I am really glad we have done a lot of vacations.

To be honest, I never really found the "college experience" all that spectacular. I know others will disagree, but for me it was hardly the "life altering" experience so many describe. Mostly, I was just flat broke all the time. So, try not to make too much of that. And if your DD starts at CC, she can always finish "away" if she chooses.

 

[JeremyGNJ]

I see a lot of people who say both "My parents didn't pay for me to go to college, I had to do that myself" and "I don't make enough money to put my kids through college".

Seems like a vicious circle no?