Do you "Double Punish" your children?

[Mom21]

My dd was homeschooled until the last 8 weeks of last year. She is in 3rd grade this year. I have always been a bit strict with her, but she is a good kid. She is a bit mouthy but other than that no problems.

My dd's school has a system where the children pull tickets for infractions. Everyone starts with a 5 for the day. 4 is no punishment. 3 is 5 minutes out of recess. Don't know what the rest is but dd says it is bad I think it involves going to the principal. I told dd at the beginning that I would not accept less than a 4 and anything less would result in punishment. She got maybe one 4 per week last year (she is a talker). This year she has had maybe three 4's in 5 weeks. On Tuesday she forgot her agenda book and homework. It has to be signed so she knew she would have a 4 on Wed. just going in. Well she talked, so she had her first 3. She missed the 5 minutes of recess. When she got home I asked her what she thought would be a proper punishment would be. I thought she would say no TV for the night since she doesn't like it anyway much. I really didn't think I would have to enforce a punishment. Instead she said no scooter for a week. I felt bad as she loves her scooter.

I feel bad but I told her a 3 was a punishment, and I can't go back on what I said. Now my husband, my MIL and my friend all think I am horrible. Said she is double punished because she lost a whole 5 minutes of recess. Would you enforce it?

 

[Tiggeroo]

I think I would have said to her that's a bit harsher then I had in mind. I think you've learned your lesson. How bout we take away the scooter for one day. She's just getting used to school. I would imagine she's feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.

 

[AC7179]

I would, just cause you said that you would. Plus, as a teacher, I think it really helps to have 100% parental support.........and the kids that know they will get in trouble at home for getting in trouble at home behave a TON better than the other kids. Good luck!

 

[momx2]

I have the same problem. DD is a talker. She comes home about 2-3 times a week for talking with one mark (from blue to green). There was one time this month she also forgot a homework assignement (I also overlooked) and got a yellow (2marks). I didn't punish her because it happens as long as it only happens occassionly.

 

[disykat]

I would probably "double punish" (depending on the infraction) - so they know that behavior in school is important to me. With my kids, I let the first go to see if the punishment at school was enough. If it becomes clear it wasn't, then I would punish.

With my oldest, the consequence at school was enough to straighten him right up (although I can only think of one time he got in any trouble - he didn't do his homework). With my younger son, he has needed "reinforcement" at home to help him be accountable and know that the teacher and I both expect good things from him.

 

[jwsqrdplus2]

I agree with Tiggeroo's response, and yes I "double punish" also. My girls know the punishment at home will be far worse than losing 5 minutes of recess! To me (and my DDs) losing a favorite privilege (scooter, gameboy, etc) for the day is much worse than losing 5 minutes of recess! LOL

 

[Mom21]

That's a great idea. Wish I would have thought of it at the time. Maybe I will talk to her and find a way to end the punishment early without her thinking I am giving in. As far as the overwhelmed goes, she says school is so much easier than homeschool. I was a taskmaster so she is coasting now. School is very easy. She thinks it is social hour. She was several grades ahead of where she is now, so needs no effort. Not overwhelmed at all.

 

[crz4mm2]

When I was a kid my mom always told us if we got in trouble at school we got in trouble at home too. I think it happened to me once and my sister once....
So I did the same with my kids.
I think having a 2nd punishment at home just helps re-enforce the teacher's rules.
Just my opinion, but I would have punished her at home too (although I think a week without the scooter is a bit much too).

 

[Tiggeroo]

Maybe you could get her advanced a bit or tested into a GT program. She might be less bored. Yep you need to stick to your word, but I would try to find a way to reduce it while sticking to your word. I used to say kids I'm extending you some grace here. But I reserve the right to be harder next time.

 

[luvmydogs]

DS10 is in 4th grade, and every year the teachers have a new 'thing' that they use for discipline after one warning. Kindergarten, they got a smiley face taken away; 1st grade, they had to move a clothespin from green to yellow or (gasp!) red. I always told him that it should take no more than one warning from his teacher to knock off the undesired behavior, and that if his clip were moved or smiley taken away, etc... (4th grade, they sign 'the book'), he'd be punished at home, too. My father was a high school teacher, and his rule for me was, "In trouble at school, in twice as much trouble at home." I guess that's ingrained in me, too, although I'd try to make ds's punishment equitable to the degree of misbehavior. I want ds to realize that he is capable of proper behavior, and that his teacher and fellow students are worthy of his respect. Double punishment--the way I look at it--is a way to reinforce proper behavior and respect for the teacher's authority in the classroom.

I think you're doing right by your daughter and her teacher.

 

[Laurajean1014]

You should stick to your guns and maybe next time try a different approach. This one does not seem to be working for her, although it usually does. This early in the school year, to have this issue may not be a good thing.

 

[Texan Mouseketeer]

We double punish here, too. The problem with my son is there is never any in between. He either goes all day and does great or has a totally bad day and gets in tons of trouble. One time his pre-K teacher told me not to do anything when he got home because he would get the attitude of, 'well, I screwed up so what's the point of being good now?' and torture her for the rest of the day. I am compromising this year in Kindergarten. They start on green, yellow is a warning and red is a note home to parent. I ground him from his GameBoy or take away a movie on red. Of course, in three weeks of school he has had all green days and two red days. I know him well and figured there wouldn't be very many yellow days!

 

[laurietg]

My DD3 is not in school yet, and maybe I will change my mind about this, but I don't see why it was such a big deal that she talked in class. I agree that you had to follow through with what you initially told her. I also understand why a teacher needs to have those kinds of rules in place. I guess it just scares me how all these amazing kids go to school and have their free spirits shushed. I'm probably over reacting. I definately don't think you did anything "wrong," I guess I just feel badly for your DD.

 

[ladycollector]

My DD3 is not in school yet, and maybe I will change my mind about this, but I don't see why it was such a big deal that she talked in class. I agree that you had to follow through with what you initially told her. I also understand why a teacher needs to have those kinds of rules in place. I guess it just scares me how all these amazing kids go to school and have their free spirits shushed. I'm probably over reacting. I definately don't think you did anything "wrong," I guess I just feel badly for your DD.

I feel the same way. She forgot her homework (it happens) and talked in class on the same day. Big deal.

OP- I don't think it matters so much that your punishment was harsh/not harsh, but that you're following through with it. Great job.

 

[Marseeya]

Depends on the circumstances and the kid.

For the most part, I don't like to double punish if the punishment at school is punishy enough (hee, I love making up words!). When it came to my son, if he did something relatively small, I didn't punish at home. If I punished that kid at home for every infraction at school, I wouldn't have had any leverage at all for things he did here. When he got suspended, he got grounded for the same amount of time he was suspended for, plus a week or two depending on the offense. For the most part, his teachers and I were always on the same page, but there were a few that wanted me to back them up, but wouldn't back me up (if that makes sense).

It's a little different with DD. Her behavior is exemplary, but she has a lot of problems academically. The only thing she ever gets punished for at school is if she doesn't get homework done. The only reason she wouldn't have homework done is if she forgets to bring it home. So, I do tend to ground her off the TV or computer when she does that, even though she's getting punished at school. The punishment at school embarrasses her, but it hasn't changed the behavior.

Anyway, I'm just rambling at this point.

 

[the kabuki]

I believe in the "in trouble at school, in twice the trouble at home" also. Many of the problems with the school system in general is that the teachers' are not backed up at home. Or worse, the parents' side with the kids' against the teacher.

That being said , there's two ways of looking at the no scooter for a week punishment. Yes I do think it's a bit harsh given the "crime" but it may just scare her straight as they say. Or it may not in which case you'll have to be coming up with longer and worse types of punishments. What will you do if she does something worse? There needs to be some type of leverage for the worser (yea made up word) offenses

What it all boils down to, is there is no right or wrong way to parent, it's a learn as you go job. Part of the fun and frustration of it.

 

[allie&mattsmom]

Oh yes, big double punisher here. In fact, I couldn't believe when I read this thread b/c DS who's in 3rd grade had two slips pulled (two warnings) at school today. They have a system where your first warning you get your green card pulled, 2nd= yellow slip pulled (this means you have to write sentences), 3rd warning= blue slip means he loses recess and pink slip means you go to the principal . He is a talker and has been since kindergarten. He sometimes forgets that school is not one big social event so he sometimes doesn't follow the class rules. Anyway, today he got 2 warnings. I'm trying to nip this in the bud so you betcha he got in trouble. No tv, no game cube, no nintendo ds, plus I made him write "I will behave in school" 50 times. I know this may seem harsh but there's some history here with lots and lots of notes coming home over the past several years. I want this year to be different. My kids know that if they get in trouble in school, then they will get in trouble at home as well.

 

[monsterkitty]

My DD3 is not in school yet, and maybe I will change my mind about this, but I don't see why it was such a big deal that she talked in class.

There is a time to talk at school and there is a time to be quiet. In my class you can talk in between songs and when I'm working with another section.

You cannot talk if I'm giving whole class instruction, during tests, or if another student has asked a question and it is that student's turn.

I'm not shushing a child's free spirit when I ask them to be quiet. I am teaching them a new skill or concept and if they are talking they probably aren't listening. I am doing my job as the teacher and the child is doing his or her job as the student.

To the OP, thank you for reinforcing the proper respect to the teacher and other students at home.

 

[wdwmom2]

If the situation warrents a double punishment, then yes I would. And believe me, if it's bad enough, they have much more to fear from me than they do the school!!!!!!

 

[Disney Doll]

I think now that you have said it and instituted the punishment that you should stick to it. She's not going to die from not using her scooter for a week.

Just remember for next time that magic phrase "well that's a bit harsher than I had in mind".