Do you agree with our child psychologist?

[LisaR]

I don't want to get into a ton of details because the post would be too long.
DS will be 13 this summer. He is PDD. Hormones are kicking in and a few old symptoms are coming back. Decided we would try a child psychologist so we could get some ideas on disciplining a hormonal teen with PDD. We had an appointment today.

DS has three chores a week. One is done 5 days a week, another is done 2 x a week and the last one is done once a week. None take more than 10 minutes. Child psychologist (CP) is fine with that BUT she feels those chores should be up to him. If he doesn't want to do them, he shouldn't have too. This was not the way DH and I were raised. Of course, not doing chores means no allowance but she feels that is his loss. I disagree. His chores help me out. It is one less thing I have to do. We do offer some extra ways to earn money (wash the car, help with yard work, etc). Those are not required.

DS wants to have some electronic time. I tell him he can have time as soon as he completes his chores. DS NEVER talks back to us. He is very respectful. Or should I say WAS very respectful. He says he doesn't plan on doing his chores anymore because the CP said he doesn't have too - and he said it in that know it all, snotty attitude that I have never heard come out of his mouth before. I am not sure who I wanted to strangle more; him or the CP.

I told him we did not agree with everything the CP said and dad and I would be discussing what we want to implement when he gets home tonight. In the meantime, if he ever wants to see any type of electronics again, he better get his chore done quickly. He did.

So what do you think? Should a 12/13 y/o be able to just not do his chores because he doesn't want to? I am guessing he will never want to. He does get paid but, at this point in his life, money is not something he needs a whole lot of yet. She said when he gets older and dates or starts going out with groups to dinner and a movie, he will change his tune about chores because he will need the money. So I am suppose to let him skip chores until it is convenient for him?

 

[mamacatnv]

I don't know what PDD is BUT I would be looking for a new CP - like with any profession, you might need to do some shopping to find one that fits your family/kid rearing style.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I don't know what PDD is BUT I would be looking for a new CP - like with any profession, you might need to do some shopping to find one that fits your family/kid rearing style.

Agreed - the CP should have considered this and not said it in front of your son. I would find someone else.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

Considering the PDD, I don't agree. Sometimes those kids don't understand natural consequences like a NT child would.

So while most 13 year olds understand no chores, no money, their loss a PPD child may not so what good does it do except you have less help and he doesn't care.

I may be out in left field because I don't know your son personally but I do have a child on the ASD spectrum and that is exactly how he would see it. He just wouldn't care.

 

[Sparx]

Doctors are like hairdressers. Some are really good, and some a really bad, and if you spend too much time with a bad one, you'll regret it.

Some questions you need to ask yourself or your doctor.
what is her specialty?
how acquainted with this disorder is she?
what kind of therapy is she trained in?

It may behoove you to look into a second opinion.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Any professional who would suggest to a child that they did not have to cooperate with basic directions/chores from a parent....

RUN!!!!!!

Run FAST!!!!!

I can NOT believe it if this so called 'professional' actually said this to your child.

And, apparantly, since your kid has picked up on it, I am assuming that this was at least said in his presence. (or is it possible that he heard you discussing this with someone)

 

[Wishing on a star]

I told him we did not agree with everything the CP said and dad and I would be discussing what we want to implement when he gets home tonight. In the meantime, if he ever wants to see any type of electronics again, he better get his chore done quickly. He did.

 

[karibritt01]

I don't want to get into a ton of details because the post would be too long.
DS will be 13 this summer. He is PDD. Hormones are kicking in and a few old symptoms are coming back. Decided we would try a child psychologist so we could get some ideas on disciplining a hormonal teen with PDD. We had an appointment today.

DS has three chores a week. One is done 5 days a week, another is done 2 x a week and the last one is done once a week. None take more than 10 minutes. Child psychologist (CP) is fine with that BUT she feels those chores should be up to him. If he doesn't want to do them, he shouldn't have too. This was not the way DH and I were raised. Of course, not doing chores means no allowance but she feels that is his loss. I disagree. His chores help me out. It is one less thing I have to do. We do offer some extra ways to earn money (wash the car, help with yard work, etc). Those are not required.

DS wants to have some electronic time. I tell him he can have time as soon as he completes his chores. DS NEVER talks back to us. He is very respectful. Or should I say WAS very respectful. He says he doesn't plan on doing his chores anymore because the CP said he doesn't have too - and he said it in that know it all, snotty attitude that I have never heard come out of his mouth before. I am not sure who I wanted to strangle more; him or the CP.

I told him we did not agree with everything the CP said and dad and I would be discussing what we want to implement when he gets home tonight. In the meantime, if he ever wants to see any type of electronics again, he better get his chore done quickly. He did.
So what do you think? Should a 12/13 y/o be able to just not do his chores because he doesn't want to? I am guessing he will never want to. He does get paid but, at this point in his life, money is not something he needs a whole lot of yet. She said when he gets older and dates or starts going out with groups to dinner and a movie, he will change his tune about chores because he will need the money. So I am suppose to let him skip chores until it is convenient for him?

Honestly sounds like he is testing his boundries the same as any other 13 year old would. I think the way you handled it is perfect. He knew under no uncertain terms that you required him to do his work to get his electronics, and he complied. I belong to the school of thought "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." As long as he keeps doing his chores to get his privledges, then go with that.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Doctors are like hairdressers. Some are really good, and some a really bad, and if you spend too much time with a bad one, you'll regret it.

Some questions you need to ask yourself or your doctor.
what is her specialty?
how acquainted with this disorder is she?
what kind of therapy is she trained in?

It may behoove you to look into a second opinion.

Sparx, you are wise beyond your years.

Excellent post!

 

[barkley]

ds (13) has adhd and some behavioural issues similar to your son so i know where you are coming from to some extent.

his former child psychologist reccommended (and once we were on board with it, spelled it out to ds during his sessions) that there are privledges and responsibilities in life. you must uphold your responsibilities to garner any privledges, and example being that if you want the privledge as an adult of going on nice vacations and buying new electronics you have the responsibility of going to your job. therefore-the rule on chores for us is-it's your responsibility as a member of the family/household, and you don't get compensated for it. one of the privledges is receiving an allowance and the opportunity to possibly be offered some paying odd jobs (crushing soda cans, washing the car...). no normal chores done-no allowance, no optional paying work opportunities. electronics are also a privledge-so no normal chores done (or normal daily expectations-homework done, school stuff put where it's supposed to be...) no electronics.

it's gotten a bit tricky b/c ds is a great saver of money (esp. when mom/dad are not willing to shell out bucks for the newest gaming system) and as such has purchased his own wii and ds. we would hear "i bought it, it's mine-if you take it away it's stealing..." so we made it conditional that any electronics he's purchased cannot be used without that privledge being extended by mom and dad.

it's on a day to day basis-so he knows that if he slacks off such that the stuff is'nt done that should be by a certain time it's no gaming that day. if he slacks off and it's a once a week type chore, he may face a privledge penalty for an entire week.

it's been pretty effective-esp. when a couple of the chores are purposely set for saturday and sunday, b/c he looks forward to those as prime hours for gaming

 

[Mermaid02]

I don't agree with your psychologist and I also have a ds who is 13 and has PDD. I don't know what the answer is, but I'm pretty sure that isn't it.

 

[LisaR]

Agreed - the CP should have considered this and not said it in front of your son. I would find someone else.

This is the thing that has me so angry about the entire situation. I get that her ideas and ours may not line up but don't you think she could have talked to DH and I in private and said these things?

For the record, she did feel we should make him obey and do things. She just didn't feel that paid chores should be forced. He needs to be respectful, brush his teeth, do schoolwork, etc. She also felt he needed to make his bed daily and keep his room clean. We do not enforce that. Kind of hard since I don't make our own bed everyday. I also feel that he has to live with the mess in his room so I don't care as long as he doesn't destroy anything or take food in there. He has to clean it only when I want to vacuum or change his sheets. So she isn't advocating that he does nothing. She just said paid chores should be an option and not forced.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, if she said the statement about 'paid chores'... and your son picked up on that and used it to try to get out of what is expected... he is QUICK!!!!

Here is the thing...
I am assuming that the chores you have listed are mandatory requirements that you expect him to take care of every week. NOT extra 'paid chores' such as, 'hey, if you need an extra ten dollars, clean out the garage, or rake the leaves, or whatever...'.

I don't see a reasonable regular allowance as classifying his weekly requirements as 'paid chores'.

Anyhow, I think you are on to something...
If his electronics are his 'currency', then this should be your bargaining chip.

Allowance should be a privilege/perk, not payment for chores.

A perk, however, can and should be considered to be withheld as consequence for disrespectful behavior, etc.

PS: regardless of the above, I am with you..... If I request that my son walk-the-dog / sweep-blow out the garage / take care of the trash / or anything else within reason, be best be taking care of it... allowance, payment, or not!!!!

 

[klacey1]

Why she would say this in front of your son boggles me. Everyone has to learn about responsibility-- you don't do something just because it's convenient for you, you do things because you HAVE to do them. I'm willing to bet she's not a mom herself. Find a new doc!

 

[DisneyCrazy915]

I would find another psychologist. There are some who are great and really care about you, others, well, they'd rather spew their ph.d. worth of knowledge at you as if they know how to raise your child better than you. I'm also a little shocked that they would say that in front of you son. As a future mental health professional, I can tell you that this isn't what we're taught. They should first approach you privately with an idea and if you agree, that would be completely different.

 

[jodifla]

Ditch the CP and get one with some common sense!'

 

[C.Ann]

Find another psychologist.. That conversation NEVER should have taken place in front of your son..