Do stepchildren almost always feel slighted

[Social Worker Sue]

Now i have to admit...if the house caught on fire, my first instinct would be to get my son. I love both of them but the biological connection is something you can't break. But my step-daughter does not see nor feel this in any way.

Uh, I am pretty sure she does

 

[Social Worker Sue]

i think having a second family puts a different "face" on the abandonment, because every time dad isn't there for a milestone there's the thought in the back of your mind that the other set of kids have him there for their birthdays/graduations/baseball games/band concerts, but in either case it is the abandonment that causes the problems to begin with.

yes!

 

[PaulaSB12]

wow, I read John Lennon's ex wife, Cynthia's book the other day. There is an intro by John's son Julian, and I was kinda of taken back at all the bitterness and resentment he feels. In reading the story, according to Cynthia, not only did John leave her for Yoko but her and Julian were left with barely enough money to live very modestly on, and while Julian was growing up John had little contact with him.

I was chatting with 2 of my friends recently, both very successful middle aged women, who have pretty much the same story, their parents had divorced when they were young and the dads went on to remarry and start another family. When we started discussing it this same kinda of bitterness and resentment came across. It seems like neither of them had ever really gotten over it as well, both feeling very neglected over the years and definitely second best, if that.

Is it fair to say that most step children whose parent go on to have another family feel slighted? I was just wondering if anyone had a personal experience they wanted to share on this topic.

I am not surprised he is bitter, the bands manager denied his wife and son existed. His father abandoned him for his second wife and he had to fight for a share of his fathers estate for 15 years and spend money on buying momentums of his father because Yoko would not let him have any.

 

[Kady]

I could go on for days on this topic.

Suffice it to say that my parents split when I was 14. However, leading up to that point they were so wrapped up in their issues that it was like being abandoned while they were still together. There were times when there was no food in the house and no parents to be found (not for lack of finances). They were who knows where doing who knows what. It was a very strange time.

Anyway once they split my mother immediately moved in with who would eventually become my stepdad with my sister and I. My sister did not take well to this and moved in with my dad (who lived about 2 hours away) and essentially she has not spoken to my mom since. That was approx. 27 years ago. After that I saw less and less of my dad and I haven't seen or spoken to him in years. I have tried to reach out to him. I have sent him pictures of his grandkids. I have sent him Xmas presents. I have called. He has no interest whatsoever.

The weird thing is that my sister works for him. She says that he is the same towards her kids. I'm not sure if she is saying this to spare my feelings or if it's true. I guess I'll never know. She says he should never have had kids. But I do have happy memories of him and I from when I was very young. Bike riding together and stuff like that. I remember a loving father. It is a tremendous feeling of loss because he's right there and yet he's not. I would love for my kids to get to know him.

So yes to this day I am bitter. I do feel abandoned. I do feel cheated. I have to get over it because honestly it is something that I think about almost all the time. Just wondering what he would think of so and so and what he would say about this and that. And I haven't seen or spoken to him in years. I think the only thing that will make me stop wondering and wishing is when he dies. Then it's final.

 

[Darcy03231]

From my own experiences, it is very difficult to watch your father move out of your home, marry another woman and then start a new family. It is not natural. It is not fair.

I feel so sorry for my 12 year old self I pity "her" when I think that "she" cried at night because her daddy didn't live with her, but tucked other children in bed at night. Just awful when you really think about it.

I blamed my step-mom. She didn't love me the way she loved her own children. She didn't make me feel very welcome when I was in HER and my father's home. She tried, I suppose. But I knew she really didn't care about me.

Now as an adult, I blame my father. What a weak man to move out, start a new family and think I could be a Weekend Child. What a weak man for not putting his foot down and allowing me to have a bedroom at his home. I was always reminded that it was my half-sister's room. My step mother had a room for her wrapping paper And I didn't have my own room at my father's beautiful home.

Divorce is not good for children. Having children with somebody you don't really love and are not committed to is an epidemic that really destroys those children. And marrying and starting "new" families doesn't always help the family.

Step children almost always get slighted.

I have to take exception to this statement. While some people have every expectation when they get married and have children that the marriage will last, there are some marriages where it is more toxic for the children if the parents remain in the marriage than if they got divorced. My ex-husband developed a problem with drugs and alcohol, which then led to an issue of infidelity. My children were 2 and 4 at the time and he had no interest in stopping his "partying" lifestyle. I saw no other alternative other than divorce. My children would have been much worse off had I stayed in a relationship with a drunk, drug addict that cheated on me. When I got married I certainly didn't expect that!

 

[Handbag Lady]

My sister and I feel slighted but our story is different. Our parents divorced when we both were adults. I was in my mid-twenties.

My dad's new family is a wife and her son from a previous relationship. You would think that this kid hung the moon. He's a BOY, dontcha know! Oh, boy this and boy that, and this kid went to college (yeah so did I and I worked two jobs at the same time, so what?). The wife tries, but clearly my sister and I are not what she had in mind for step-daughters. We don't believe in nit-picking lint off of the floor on our hands and knees, and I certainly will not pack for my husband when we travel. We remind her often that our father DOES indeed know how to cook.

I just think it is weird that I don't just go to my dad's house and feel comfortable enough to open the fridge for a drink.

The funniest thing ever was when my dad insisted we go over for Thanksgiving. So, we're all watching football and the wife puts out appetizers. We're normal people so we try them. Yeah, she got upset because we ate them. We're still trying to figure out what else we were supposed to do with them. (We do the clean-up at every family meal as we are not allowed in the kitchen to actually help.)

I have a good sense of humor about the whole thing, though. You have to.

 

[Social Worker Sue]

My children would have been much worse off had I stayed in a relationship with a drunk, drug addict that cheated on me. When I got married I certainly didn't expect that!

I agree with you there. Sometimes divorce is the best answer. Sometimes people change once they get married. But, for the most part, people know the person that they are marrying. Many times they hope and pray their spouse with "change" once children come along. That rarely happens

I think people should take the time to really know someone before they decide to bring a life into this world with that person. That is important.

 

[luvsJack]

From my own experiences, it is very difficult to watch your father move out of your home, marry another woman and then start a new family. It is not natural. It is not fair.

I feel so sorry for my 12 year old self I pity "her" when I think that "she" cried at night because her daddy didn't live with her, but tucked other children in bed at night. Just awful when you really think about it.

I blamed my step-mom. She didn't love me the way she loved her own children. She didn't make me feel very welcome when I was in HER and my father's home. She tried, I suppose. But I knew she really didn't care about me.

Now as an adult, I blame my father. What a weak man to move out, start a new family and think I could be a Weekend Child. What a weak man for not putting his foot down and allowing me to have a bedroom at his home. I was always reminded that it was my half-sister's room. My step mother had a room for her wrapping paper And I didn't have my own room at my father's beautiful home.

Divorce is not good for children. Having children with somebody you don't really love and are not committed to is an epidemic that really destroys those children. And marrying and starting "new" families doesn't always help the family.

Step children almost always get slighted.

I don't think your last statement is fair at all. While my sons perhaps felt slighted by their father (which would not be a "step" issue but a father issue), they never felt slighted in the least by their step-father or by me.

Dh raised my sons from preschool age to adulthood and treated them as his own children. We have dd together. She is the youngest and the only girl, those two things made for her to be treated differently for a time; but now there is no difference in the three. And ds's daughters are dh's grandchildren just as equally as dd's someday children will be.

There are other "steps" in dh's family. One daughter that has been raised completely by her step-mother. No different treatment. If anything, there is preferential treatment because she too is the only daughter.

So while I agree that some children may feel and get slighted by their biological parent that moves on with a new family; to say that step children "almost always" get slighted is not true nor is it fair to the many loving homes that happen to include a step-parent.

 

[Buckalew11]

Ugh...I am watching this pain now with nieces and nephew.

That abandonment is one of the most horrible things a parent can do to a child. The rejection is so painful.

What mine have been told is, "He has a new life now."
So much for *that* therapist.

My BIL left his family for a kid. She is 5 years younger than his oldest, same age as his 3rd, 2 yrs. older than the 4th, and the ex-GF of the son who is 2 yrs. older than the GF.

Tell me that pain and rejection does not hurt to your core. Not only is there another "woman" in the picture but it is "competition" between all of them for dad's attention. It is the most horrible situation I've ever watched unfold---all while dad does not see why this is a problem for anyone. His relationship, his business. Yeah, right.

 

[1Mouse2RulethemAll]

I would respond, but I really don't need a therapy bill right now.


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[ManyMinnie]

W
Now i have to admit...if the house caught on fire, my first instinct would be to get my son. I love both of them but the biological connection is something you can't break. But my step-daughter does not see nor feel this in any way.

Don't kid yourself. She knows.

 

[beachbumdlo72]

Ugh...I am watching this pain now with nieces and nephew.

That abandonment is one of the most horrible things a parent can do to a child. The rejection is so painful.

What mine have been told is, "He has a new life now."
So much for *that* therapist.

My BIL left his family for a kid. She is 5 years younger than his oldest, same age as his 3rd, 2 yrs. older than the 4th, and the ex-GF of the son who is 2 yrs. older than the GF.

Tell me that pain and rejection does not hurt to your core. Not only is there another "woman" in the picture but it is "competition" between all of them for dad's attention. It is the most horrible situation I've ever watched unfold---all while dad does not see why this is a problem for anyone. His relationship, his business. Yeah, right.

Sometimes people forget that children are a gift they choose to have, and we're Blessed to receive . It makes me sad when somebody forgets that thier children didn't ask to be born they choose to bring them into this world . They owe them all the love and thoughtfulness a child deserves!

 

[mckelvey72]

For those that responded to my post that say my step-daugther knows...I honestly think in my situation you are incorrect. Yes, she knows the difference that my son is biologically mine...but she also knows I treat them equally. She also has the complete love of her own mother and father and doesn't had the abandonment issues. So in our situation it is different. She said to me a few months back....I don't like calling you my step-mom....I rather call you my "other" mom. And on her mothers side...her mom is remarried and they have a son together....and her step-dad treats her the same as his own son.

Maybe she is lucky and maybe our situation is not the norm...my point was that it can happen. But it starts with the parents. They made the decision to split but to be amicable and they have been successful with that. Yes they have had arguments and issues along the way....but we all spend her birthday together, we all go to her school functions....we all go to her softball games and gymnastics competitions.

My son and her son get along great. We had asked to take her son with us to Disney cause they are both her brothers. We take day trips together to amusement parks, beaches etc.

When I started dating my boyfriend he told me right up front.....my ex and I get along, we do things together for the kid. You either get on board or don't date me. That was pretty much the gist of it. Was it hard in the beginning...YES. Did we have issues along the way...YES. But the child was not involved in those issues. No one talked bad about anyone to the kid. And you know....I had to EARN the trust/respect of the ex. I was a new person in her daughters life and I had to let her know I was not going to hurt her child and was going to love her child as if she was my own. And you know what....all the effort on all of our parts has paid off. There are no separate birthday parties...when we go to her softball games we all sit together.

So my point being.....it can be done. And the child does not have to feel slighted in any way. Yes, she can't live with both parents.....that is extremely tough for a child to deal with and i don't wish it on any child. But the situation is there and all parties included have a choice.....make it easy for the child or make it hard. I made the choice to make it easy. And her dad made the choice to make it clear in the beginning that he wasn't going to hurt his child at all. And her mother made a choice to accept me and makes it clear to the daughter that she accepts me. My boyfriend and the ex had a discussion around Christmas time about how lucky they are that they get along, AND how lucky they are that they are both with people who respect the situation and genuinely love the child.

I honestly feel for those of you that had to struggle and feel these emotions. I have teared up at some of the comments and think it is awful. I have no idea how a parent can do such a thing.

 

[brockash]

wow, I read John Lennon's ex wife, Cynthia's book the other day. There is an intro by John's son Julian, and I was kinda of taken back at all the bitterness and resentment he feels. In reading the story, according to Cynthia, not only did John leave her for Yoko but her and Julian were left with barely enough money to live very modestly on, and while Julian was growing up John had little contact with him.

I was chatting with 2 of my friends recently, both very successful middle aged women, who have pretty much the same story, their parents had divorced when they were young and the dads went on to remarry and start another family. When we started discussing it this same kinda of bitterness and resentment came across. It seems like neither of them had ever really gotten over it as well, both feeling very neglected over the years and definitely second best, if that.

Is it fair to say that most step children whose parent go on to have another family feel slighted? I was just wondering if anyone had a personal experience they wanted to share on this topic.

I was (still am) a step-child. My Dad had an affair while my mom was pregnant with my youngest sister and left her for the the woman who is now my step-mom. They ended up adopting a son when I was 12, and my sister's were 7 and 9. I love my brother like my sisters and I have never nor can I imagine ever feeling any resentment or bitterness towards him at all, and I believe my sisters feel the same way.

Although the way it started out was horrible/devastating for my mom, pretty sad and somewhat disgusting in other ways, generally speaking I feel like my step-mom is a good person, cares and loves the 3 of us very much and tries to include us in as much as possible etc. (we've lived across the country from them since I was almost 11).

Having said all of that, there was def. period of time (around the time that I first found out that my dad had had an affair etc.) as a teen that I was pretty darn angry with them, especially my dad, although I would never say that my Dad and i have ever had a "bad" relationship, just different. He wasn't so much a parent as they were like distant relatives that we stayed with over the summer and here and there. Now, as an adult and with kids of my own, while I never make them feel bad about it and really I don't want them to feel bad, I do at times find some of the things they say or act (like they don't recognize that they ever emotionally harmed us or our childhood) as ironic and odd. The money thing and child support is another thing, while my dad would often give us, as kids, money here and there, the child support he paid was a total joke. I feel they have always treated my mom like total crap, and that does piss me off, not to mention the fact that my mom always got the raw end of the deal. My dsis's and I were regular kids around my mom, but always on our best behavior when we at our dads (we weren't as comfortable, it wasn't our "real" home).

I try not to think about the crappy parts regarding some of the choices they made, but there are times, that my sister's and I just shake our heads. I know my dad feels hurt and badly that he really did miss out on most of our childhood, but I also know there's no way in the world I would ever do that to my kids.

 

[kellyg403]

My dh was the custodial parent for my 3 sdd's and I brought 6 biological children into the mix. It is difficult and I think that at times, it has to do with the ages when the divorce happens and how the adults work things out.

Unfortunatley, there is animosity between my sdd's and my sons. Though they get along and care about each other, there was a time when their mom had them convinced they were being replaced by my 'boys'. That my dh wanted boys not girls ad nasuem. Once the 'boys' went to a football game and I took the girls to get mani/pedi's and dinner. That turned into, see your dad wanted to be with the boys not you kinda thing.

My bio children's dad is remarried, no other children that I am aware of and no animosity with their dad. There are times when they are upset now that they are older when he tries to guilt them into coming more often, calling more often etc. But, there were many times over the years where they were not the first on the priority list for him and called them after they knew he was calling stepmom. For an adult, myself, I understood the difference, they did not.

Anyway, I think stepchildren will always feel slighted if there is other problems in their circle that reinforces how they feel. If that makes sense.

Kelly

 

[Granny square]

The whole bio child connection trumps all is a bit offensive as a parent who has children both adopted and biological. I wouldn't have "grabbed my own" to get out of the fire first.

A stepchild isn't stupid. They know the score. No matter what the various parents tell themselves.

 

[ten6mom]

I am kind of freaking out reading all this. I am divorced and have two boys 6 and 8 . Their dad lives very close and we are on very good terms. I cannot have any more kids but he theoretically could. He is an amazing co parent and the boys mean the world to him but if he remarries and has another child..... ugh my poor kids.

 

[NaLisa]

I am kind of freaking out reading all this. I am divorced and have two boys 6 and 8 . Their dad lives very close and we are on very good terms. I cannot have any more kids but he theoretically could. He is an amazing co parent and the boys mean the world to him but if he remarries and has another child..... ugh my poor kids.

If your ex is a great father now, I wouldn't worry that he won't be if he remarries and has another child. It sounds like a lot of the "absent" parents exited their children's lives before remarrying or having more kids, sometimes even when still married to the other parent.

 

[LSmith]

Don't kid yourself. She knows.

100% correct. You are not giving your step daughter enough credit. She DOES know. You are only fooling yourself.

 

[mrsklamc]

The whole bio child connection trumps all is a bit offensive as a parent who has children both adopted and biological. I wouldn't have "grabbed my own" to get out of the fire first.

.

Sure you would. It's just that they are ALL your own, no matter how they got to you.