Do stepchildren almost always feel slighted

[LSmith]

Sure you would. It's just that they are ALL your own, no matter how they got to you.

Yes, unfortunately this is different for most people. Adopted children are treated first rate, and many step children are treated second rate (asMcKelvey admitted).

 

[ManyMinnie]

Yes, unfortunately this is different for most people. Adopted children are treated first rate, and many step children are treated second rate (at ManyMinnie so honestly admitted).

I think you're confusing me with someone else. I don't have step-children, nor am I a step-child.

I was correcting the poster who believes her stepdaughter doesn't see the differences in parenting.

 

[LSmith]

I think you're confusing me with someone else. I don't have step-children, nor am I a step-child.

I was correcting the poster who believes her stepdaughter doesn't see the differences in parenting.

I sincerely apologize. I messed up (first time for everything!). It was Mckelvey. Truly sorry!

 

[ManyMinnie]

I sincerely apologize. I messed up (first time for everything!). It was Mckelvey. Truly sorry!

No problem. It happens.

 

[tasha99]

I agree with the folks who say this is an abandonment issue, not a step parent issue. My dad was a serial cheater on my mom, and ended up marrying one of his students (it was the 70's and didn't have the stigma it does now for college level). He was the noncustodial parent, but cared deeply, and my brother and I saw him a lot, even living with him in high school. My step mom is quite a bit younger than my mom, and I was able to relate to her during my teen years. We're very close, and I love her dearly. What they did to my mom was awful, but it does take two--my parents had a miserable marriage, and I'm glad they both found more suitable partners. I remember hiding when they would argue. My dad was gone whenever he could be (sometimes months at a time on trips to Europe)--not a healthy way to handle dischord at home.

My stepdad was pretty great, too. He passed away a few weeks ago, and it made me stop and think about how lucky I am to have had him in my life. It feels almost insulting to call him a "step," as he was every bit as much my dad as my biological father is.

 

[Granny square]

Sure you would. It's just that they are ALL your own, no matter how they got to you.

True. But a step child would be mine too. If those are the criteria. My stepmom would have grabbed us, lol. She still would.

 

[Grammyof2]

I have five children and for the purpose of this post I will define them. Two stepchildren, 2 biological and one adopted.

All the children lived in our home from the time we were married and the two oldest were 3 and 5 when their father and I married. They are now 41 and 39. Their mother is still alive and remarried for many years and they have step siblings on their mothers side and a good relationship with all of us.

The analogy was used earlier about if the house were on fire that the poster would grab her biological child first. The only reason I am posting this is that my son-in-law has repeatedly used that analogy in relation to adoption. He and our oldest daughter (my step-daughter) cannot have more children and he openly admits he would not feel the same about an adopted child as he feels about his biological daughter. Adoption is off the table for them because he recognizes that in himself and doesn't ever want to show that side of himself to a child in his home.

The point is my daughter and my oldest son have repeatedly said that at no time in their lives did they ever feel that way living with me and were sure I would have died trying to save them all without thought of bloodlines or who was first to be saved.

So I don't think all step-children feel slighted by the step parent. They might feel abandonment from the parent since divorce is VERY HARD on a child but not every child of divorce feels that either. It is up to the adults to act as adults.

You need to know yourself that you can really love someone else's child before you commit. There should never be a difference.

 

[EMom]

I am not surprised he is bitter, the bands manager denied his wife and son existed. His father abandoned him for his second wife and he had to fight for a share of his fathers estate for 15 years and spend money on buying momentums of his father because Yoko would not let him have any.

Don't even get me started on how atrociously John Lennon treated his firstborn son, Julian. He acted like a world class jerk to that child and Yoko was no better. I admired John Lennon's music, but as a human being....particularly a father......he left a lot to be desired. It is one thing to cast aside your first wife for a new one. But Lennon acted as if Sean was his ONLY child and as if Julian was no relation to him whatsoever. His first wife (and thus, first son) lived VERY modestly while he lived a life of luxury. If he had been a decent human being, he would have done better by BOTH of them.

As some have said, this not about a step parent issue. It is about a father abandoning a child.

 

[brockash]

I have five children and for the purpose of this post I will define them. Two stepchildren, 2 biological and one adopted.

All the children lived in our home from the time we were married and the two oldest were 3 and 5 when their father and I married. They are now 41 and 39. Their mother is still alive and remarried for many years and they have step siblings on their mothers side and a good relationship with all of us.

The analogy was used earlier about if the house were on fire that the poster would grab her biological child first. The only reason I am posting this is that my son-in-law has repeatedly used that analogy in relation to adoption. He and our oldest daughter (my step-daughter) cannot have more children and he openly admits he would not feel the same about an adopted child as he feels about his biological daughter. Adoption is off the table for them because he recognizes that in himself and doesn't ever want to show that side of himself to a child in his home.

The point is my daughter and my oldest son have repeatedly said that at no time in their lives did they ever feel that way living with me and were sure I would have died trying to save them all without thought of bloodlines or who was first to be saved.

So I don't think all step-children feel slighted by the step parent. They might feel abandonment from the parent since divorce is VERY HARD on a child but not every child of divorce feels that either. It is up to the adults to act as adults.

You need to know yourself that you can really love someone else's child before you commit. There should never be a difference.

So, so true. I feel very fortunate that I feel that my sisters and I were fortunate enough to have a very good step-mom.

 

[Mom_Rides]

My dad pretty much abandoned me and my mom. He had little contact with me for several years although he lived just 2 streets behind us. He remarried and had 2 daughters. I now have a relationship, although not a strong one, with my dad. Over the years his excuses for not seeing me always revolved around my half sisters. The girls had this or the girls had that. I would get angry at times that the girls received more attention then me. But over time, I realized I wasn't the one missing out, he was. He missed choir concerts, award ceremonies, sports, etc. I didn't miss out on him, he missed out on me.

I'm a stepparent now. I have a daughter with my husband. As much as we try to not exclude the boys, sometimes it's impossible not to. For instance, last year we took a trip to see MIL in FL. It was DH, DD and me. We took a short trip to Disney. DH said he felt terrible that the boys weren't with us and that DD was getting something they weren't. I explained to him that while I missed them not traveling with us, they got opportunities with their mom that our DD didn't get. We also try our best to not miss any events for the boys. We're in the bleachers on Friday nights for football games, at awards ceremonies, at open house, etc. and if there Is more then in one thing going on one night, DH goes to the boys functions and I go to DDs. It's about finding balance.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Isn't Julian the child of Yoko and John?

 

[Planogirl]

Isn't Julian the child of Yoko and John?

Julian is the son of John and his first wife. Sean is John and Yoko's son.

 

[moon]

Don't even get me started on how atrociously John Lennon treated his firstborn son, Julian. He acted like a world class jerk to that child and Yoko was no better. I admired John Lennon's music, but as a human being....particularly a father......he left a lot to be desired. It is one thing to cast aside your first wife for a new one. But Lennon acted as if Sean was his ONLY child and as if Julian was no relation to him whatsoever. His first wife (and thus, first son) lived VERY modestly while he lived a life of luxury. If he had been a decent human being, he would have done better by BOTH of them

And even Sean has stories to tell, calling Lennon "a huge *******". He remembers one time when he wouldn't listen to his father on how to properly eat his meal. Lennon got really mad, and slapped Sean so hard that he suffered permanent hearing loss on that ear. Considering Sean had barely turned five when his father was killed...it makes the whole thing so much worse.

He also accused Cynthia of adultery, trying no to have to share any of his fortune with her.

I'm a huge Beatles fan, but I don'y care for Lennon, and the way some have elevated him to saint status sickens me.

"Imagine" has some nice lyrics, but it is just a song, and its author didn't practice what he preaced there

 

[zoemurr]

are you guys stirring some stuff up here.

My parents got divorced when I was 9. He wasn't very present as a father when he lived with us, or when he left. He did try some.. I spent time at his house (in the same town) but very often he was late or a no-show.

My mom tried to include him when she could. He came over for most holidays and she threw him a big party for his 50th. He met her boyfriends and they would go to my concerts and shows together. As the years went by they got very close again as friends, talking constantly on the phone, Christmas shopping together, whatever.

Then he met a woman who was quite a bit younger and we never heard from him again. I tried for years to reconnect but nothing worked. The night before my wedding I called and asked him to walk me down the aisle. He did, but it was awkward. He got married the next year. My DH, my aunt (my dad's sister) and I went to the wedding. It was informal with only the "family" having an assigned table. We were not welcomed there. She had a teenaged son and a 9yr old DD that sat there. I spent the day in the corner sobbing so hard DH had to hold me up.

We didn't speak again until I had DD. I called him and they all came to visit. They went on and on about their Disney trip and all the fun they have as a family. When I spoke with him later he couldn't understand why this made me upset. He told me I was an adult and to get over it. He used to call every year on my birthday but that stopped. My second child got no mention ever. I sent cards and updates and got a few Christmas cards from his wife over the years. I told him a few times how this hurt me but just didn't get it.

The last contact I had with him was 14 years ago. I don't think about him much anymore. But last Sunday I got a call from my aunt that he has taken a bad turn and is in the hospital. If I want to see him I should go now. (Oh yes.. and we also found out that he has two more children.. 3 and 5 that are adopted.)

This man threw me and his grandchildren away. I have no desire to drive 7 hours each way to be rejected again. (He has not asked for me.. his wife called my aunt who called me.) The only real thing that makes me feel sad is that I don't feel sad at all.

 

[CF'er]

Abandonment or not I think this is a divorced parents issue. DH has 2 adult children and I have 2 teens. When DH and I started dating the response from one of his kids (who lives several states away) was that they (his "first" family) didn't ask him to go find a new family. DH's first wife had a 2 yr affair and they separated when DH found out. We started dating very soon after that. I have never met one of his kids (this one) and am not sure that I ever will. Their choice. Not mine. It's not like DH stopped seeing this child and substituted us in "their" time slot. They don't live even close to us and this was the response. He was a great dad and is a great step-dad.

 

[RadioNate]

My dad pretty much abandoned me and my mom. He had little contact with me for several years although he lived just 2 streets behind us. He remarried and had 2 daughters. I now have a relationship, although not a strong one, with my dad. Over the years his excuses for not seeing me always revolved around my half sisters. The girls had this or the girls had that. I would get angry at times that the girls received more attention then me. But over time, I realized I wasn't the one missing out, he was. He missed choir concerts, award ceremonies, sports, etc. I didn't miss out on him, he missed out on me.

I'm a stepparent now. I have a daughter with my husband. As much as we try to not exclude the boys, sometimes it's impossible not to. For instance, last year we took a trip to see MIL in FL. It was DH, DD and me. We took a short trip to Disney. DH said he felt terrible that the boys weren't with us and that DD was getting something they weren't. I explained to him that while I missed them not traveling with us, they got opportunities with their mom that our DD didn't get. We also try our best to not miss any events for the boys. We're in the bleachers on Friday nights for football games, at awards ceremonies, at open house, etc. and if there Is more then in one thing going on one night, DH goes to the boys functions and I go to DDs. It's about finding balance.

I loved this line...
I didn't miss out on him, he missed out on me.

 

[ez]

And even Sean has stories to tell, calling Lennon "a huge *******". He remembers one time when he wouldn't listen to his father on how to properly eat his meal. Lennon got really mad, and slapped Sean so hard that he suffered permanent hearing loss on that ear. Considering Sean had barely turned five when his father was killed...it makes the whole thing so much worse.

He also accused Cynthia of adultery, trying no to have to share any of his fortune with her.

I'm a huge Beatles fan, but I don'y care for Lennon, and the way some have elevated him to saint status sickens me.

"Imagine" has some nice lyrics, but it is just a song, and its author didn't practice what he preaced there

Not to turn this into a who's your favorite Beatle thread, but I have to say I have the utmost admiration for how Sir Paul has raised his kids. There is really no one who disputes that he is an amazing dad, and even though he is divorced from Heather Mills, the paparazzi fills us in constantly on what a hands on dad he is with his youngest daughter Beatrice. I loved this pic of him helping her with her lemonade stand in the Hamptons, you go Sir Paul, at 70 no less!!!
http://www.tmz.com/2012/08/20/paul-mccartney-lemonade-stand-photo/

 

[The Mystery Machine]

are you guys stirring some stuff up here.

My parents got divorced when I was 9. He wasn't very present as a father when he lived with us, or when he left. He did try some.. I spent time at his house (in the same town) but very often he was late or a no-show.

My mom tried to include him when she could. He came over for most holidays and she threw him a big party for his 50th. He met her boyfriends and they would go to my concerts and shows together. As the years went by they got very close again as friends, talking constantly on the phone, Christmas shopping together, whatever.

Then he met a woman who was quite a bit younger and we never heard from him again. I tried for years to reconnect but nothing worked. The night before my wedding I called and asked him to walk me down the aisle. He did, but it was awkward. He got married the next year. My DH, my aunt (my dad's sister) and I went to the wedding. It was informal with only the "family" having an assigned table. We were not welcomed there. She had a teenaged son and a 9yr old DD that sat there. I spent the day in the corner sobbing so hard DH had to hold me up.

We didn't speak again until I had DD. I called him and they all came to visit. They went on and on about their Disney trip and all the fun they have as a family. When I spoke with him later he couldn't understand why this made me upset. He told me I was an adult and to get over it. He used to call every year on my birthday but that stopped. My second child got no mention ever. I sent cards and updates and got a few Christmas cards from his wife over the years. I told him a few times how this hurt me but just didn't get it.

The last contact I had with him was 14 years ago. I don't think about him much anymore. But last Sunday I got a call from my aunt that he has taken a bad turn and is in the hospital. If I want to see him I should go now. (Oh yes.. and we also found out that he has two more children.. 3 and 5 that are adopted.)

This man threw me and his grandchildren away. I have no desire to drive 7 hours each way to be rejected again. (He has not asked for me.. his wife called my aunt who called me.) The only real thing that makes me feel sad is that I don't feel sad at all.

Many hugs to you there.

 

[zoemurr]

Many hugs to you there.

Thanks.

 

[need2cruise]

All I have read is stories from the perspective when looking at the family the child didn't live with. If the child lived with mom and there was a step-dad, did they feel slighted by mom with the new stepdad? Most likely not because they lived there. I think it is an issue that whenever a child doesn't live with the other parent, they feel slighted or left out. The dynamics are the same in either household, just the child spends more time with the other parent so doesn't feel it as much.

I think this is why the courts need to look more into a joint parenting/joint custody guidelines when both parents are fit to raise their children. The every other weekend thing is just too damaging.