Do stepchildren almost always feel slighted

[ez]

wow, I read John Lennon's ex wife, Cynthia's book the other day. There is an intro by John's son Julian, and I was kinda of taken back at all the bitterness and resentment he feels. In reading the story, according to Cynthia, not only did John leave her for Yoko but her and Julian were left with barely enough money to live very modestly on, and while Julian was growing up John had little contact with him.

I was chatting with 2 of my friends recently, both very successful middle aged women, who have pretty much the same story, their parents had divorced when they were young and the dads went on to remarry and start another family. When we started discussing it this same kinda of bitterness and resentment came across. It seems like neither of them had ever really gotten over it as well, both feeling very neglected over the years and definitely second best, if that.

Is it fair to say that most step children whose parent go on to have another family feel slighted? I was just wondering if anyone had a personal experience they wanted to share on this topic.

 

[abdmom]

wow, I read John Lennon's ex wife, Cynthia's book the other day. There is an intro by John's son Julian, and I was kinda of taken back at all the bitterness and resentment he feels. In reading the story, according to Cynthia, not only did John leave her for Yoko but her and Julian were left with barely enough money to live very modestly on, and while Julian was growing up John had little contact with him.

I was chatting with 2 of my friends recently, both very successful middle aged women, who have pretty much the same story, their parents had divorced when they were young and the dads went on to remarry and start another family. When we started discussing it this same kinda of bitterness and resentment came across. It seems like neither of them had ever really gotten over it as well, both feeling very neglected over the years and definitely second best, if that.

Is it fair to say that most step children whose parent go on to have another family feel slighted? I was just wondering if anyone had a personal experience they wanted to share on this topic.

This situation has nothing to do with step children. How about changing it to children abandoned by their fathers?

 

[Janepod]

This situation has nothing to do with step children. How about changing it to children abandoned by their fathers?

 

[NaLisa]

wow, I read John Lennon's ex wife, Cynthia's book the other day. There is an intro by John's son Julian, and I was kinda of taken back at all the bitterness and resentment he feels. In reading the story, according to Cynthia, not only did John leave her for Yoko but her and Julian were left with barely enough money to live very modestly on, and while Julian was growing up John had little contact with him.

I was chatting with 2 of my friends recently, both very successful middle aged women, who have pretty much the same story, their parents had divorced when they were young and the dads went on to remarry and start another family. When we started discussing it this same kinda of bitterness and resentment came across. It seems like neither of them had ever really gotten over it as well, both feeling very neglected over the years and definitely second best, if that.

Is it fair to say that most step children whose parent go on to have another family feel slighted? I was just wondering if anyone had a personal experience they wanted to share on this topic.

I get along well with both my stepparents and half- and step siblings. However, my DDad and SMom were better off financially after my full sisters and I had grown up, so the younger kids had more "stuff" than we did as kids. They continue to financially support my half and step siblings, who are now in their mid-20s-late 30s. I don't really envy them, as they've become entitled and completely dependent on their parents and have made numerous bad decisions in life that they've not had to take responsibility for so far. Not bad criminal stuff or anything like that, but things like foreclosure, multiple out-of-wedlock births, no college, series of dead-end jobs, etc.

What really gets me is that my DDad (mid 60s) will probably have to work until he dies to continue to support them, never getting to enjoy retirement or the money he's worked so hard for. And there probably won't be any money left to continue to support those "kids" when he's gone. I don't know how they're going to manage when there's no one there to always bail them out, financially and otherwise.

Hope I don't sound bitter; I'm really not. I appreciate that my mom taught me and my sisters to be self-supporting, responsible members of society. But one of my sisters has always felt slighted.

 

[wiigirl]

This situation has nothing to do with step children. How about changing it to children abandoned by their fathers?

Thats a really good point.

 

[Maleficent Dragon]

Do stepchildren almost always feel slighted

To answer this question directly, I believe it has to do with the step-parent and also responsibility from the natural parent.

I have been a step-daughter to two women and neither was "my mother". Both of these women treated their natural children very differently. There were 4 of us who were steps to my dad's second wife and all 5 of us were steps to the 3rd wife. None of us feel as if those women were our mom due to the way we were treated by the 2nd wife and unwelcomed by the 3rd wife.

HOWEVER - I have seen and known people that have step parents that love them much more than their natural mother or father did. Some people just have a lot of love in their hearts and are capable to giving to anybody while other people have a mentality of "me and mine first".

 

[NaLisa]

This situation has nothing to do with step children. How about changing it to children abandoned by their fathers?

Oops, should have read the OP better. You're right that the examples quoted were children abandoned by fathers.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My dh was abandoned by his father. His dad divorced dh's mom and then married a woman with 7 kids and they moved across the country, basically never to be seen again more or less.

DH's mom is paranoid schizophrenic. My dh had to raise himself basically with a lot of bumps in the road.

He has since reconciled with things as an adult & does talk to his dad, however I do not think that my dh's "resentment" will ever go away entirely.

I think abandonment as a child hits you at your core self. You can move on with life of course but it is always "there" IYKWIM?

 

[wvjules]

I don't ever remember living with my dad. I was a baby when they divorced. He eventually moved to Florida and had two other daughters with someone else. They had him growing up. (until he died, granted they were young but still...) And as awful as this sounds...I resent them a little for it. They have memories of him on birthdays, holidays, every day things. I do not have that. Since they lived in FL and I lived in WV we didn't get to know each other very much. The older of my younger sisters and I are working on it. We talk and I send my niece stuff all the time. They even came to support me in the Marathon in January.

But yes, I felt, and still do, feel slighted. They had him as a dad. I did not. When he moved to Florida and had them I definately felt abandoned.

Now, before he moved to Florida and had my sisters he was married to a woman with 3 boys. I loved my visits with them! I was the youngest and the only girl so my step-mother spoiled me. I cherish those memories. They are the only ones I have of my dad as a family man. I was closer to my step-brothers than I was/am to my sisters. Weird, I actually had a dream about my step-brothers and their mom two nights ago.

So yes, I'd say it's common.

 

[mrsv98]

I don't think it is necessarily a father thing. My mom remarried and I have a step sister and half brother. Even though we have kept in touch, the second marriage has always been full of troubles and she turned to me for help. It is hard not to feel resentment when you are being asked for support on one hand and then have to listen to stories about "our little family" on the other...um, what about the family you left?

It really has more to do with the person rather than the "step" I believe.

 

[momto2girls]

It is true for me, as well as for my husband. I think that it is very common. It certainly is among most of my friends.

 

[RadioNate]

I don't think it is a "step" issue but a divorce issue in general. I think most children of divorce feel this way.

My parents were divorced and while my dad was 'good' in the sense that he took me every other weekend, wednesday nights and paid his child support on time it still wasn't the same. I was VERY aware that my family was 'different.' My dad never re-married but over the years he'd talk about remarrying and having more kids. My overwhelming thought was always "because the wife and kid you had wasn't good enough."

I look at my own kids who have for all intents and purposes abandoned by their father. Yes, he left me but he was very clear that *I* wasn't good enough and he could find better elsewhere. And while I protect them with everything I have, I know my oldest knows it and feels it. The youngest doesn't, yet. Her dad will never be there for the 1st Day of School, for a father/daughter dance, he's never seen her play soccer or been to a dance recital. I video tape all of it to send but I don't know if he watches it or not.

I don't know if he dates or his thoughts on re-marriage or more children but I'd bet that if he did have more kids or even married a woman w/kids that they would be very hurt by that.

So while I'm sure there are some "step" issues, I think it is more divorce damage. This was absolutely part of why I fought so hard for my marriage because I didn't want my kids to feel this way. My ex's parents weren't divorced and he had no clue about the damage to the kids...he's not around so he still doesn't see it.

And yeah...I'm bitter.

 

[Planogirl]

I wonder if even kids with two great parents who divorce don't feel some of this.

I had a great father but I admit that I felt resentful when he and my mother broke up for several years. (They reconciled later.) My father gave me even more attention than before but I still felt a bit abandoned. It might have been partially because I felt closer to my Dad than my mother.

I feel sad for those whose parents have basically just disappeared. That must be so awful.

 

[wvjules]

As for Julian...he was abandonded by his father. I've always felt sorry for him in that regard. I identify with him. Father met another woman, had another kid and forgot about him.

 

[mrsklamc]

Several people have said OP wasn't about steps but about abandonment by the father. Actually she talked about 3 different families, not just the Lennons, and we don't know what the circumstances in the other 2 families were.

 

[Darcy03231]

I don't think it is a "step" issue but a divorce issue in general. I think most children of divorce feel this way.
My parents were divorced and while my dad was 'good' in the sense that he took me every other weekend, wednesday nights and paid his child support on time it still wasn't the same. I was VERY aware that my family was 'different.' My dad never re-married but over the years he'd talk about remarrying and having more kids. My overwhelming thought was always "because the wife and kid you had wasn't good enough."

I look at my own kids who have for all intents and purposes abandoned by their father. Yes, he left me but he was very clear that *I* wasn't good enough and he could find better elsewhere. And while I protect them with everything I have, I know my oldest knows it and feels it. The youngest doesn't, yet. Her dad will never be there for the 1st Day of School, for a father/daughter dance, he's never seen her play soccer or been to a dance recital. I video tape all of it to send but I don't know if he watches it or not.

I don't know if he dates or his thoughts on re-marriage or more children but I'd bet that if he did have more kids or even married a woman w/kids that they would be very hurt by that.

So while I'm sure there are some "step" issues, I think it is more divorce damage. This was absolutely part of why I fought so hard for my marriage because I didn't want my kids to feel this way. My ex's parents weren't divorced and he had no clue about the damage to the kids...he's not around so he still doesn't see it.

And yeah...I'm bitter.

I agree with this. I'm a step-mom and DH and I both had custody of our children when we married. Although we both worked very hard to treat all the children as "ours," if you ask the kids (who are now currently 19, 21, 24 and 28), mine will tell you that DH's got preferential treatment and DH's will tell you that mine got preferential treatment.

One major issue we had was on the weekends that DH's kids were with their Mom and off doing fun stuff, if we did anything with my children (who were abandoned by their father in their younger years) they were really upset that they weren't home to participate. Their perception was that we should sit home and not do anything while they werent' there, regardless of what they were doing with their mom. Needless to say that didn't happen! We didn't do anything major without them, but we did go to dinner and the movies, bowling, etc., all stuff that we also did with them when we had them for the weekend.

The other issue we had was that my children didn't think it was fair that DH's children spent time with their mother and they didn't get to spend time with their father. This was not something of my doing, but his. He was always too busy or had something else more important going on than to see his children. It did get better as they got older and less dependent, but it's funny because now that they're adults and he wants to have a relationship with them, they don't seem to want to go out of their way to make time for him. You reap what you sow.

While I get along great with both of my step-children, I'm sure there is some resentment on their part just due to the changing dynamic of their family after a divorce.

 

[bookgirl]

My dad didn't get a new family, however my brother and I were both very aware and my father flat out said that his first 'duty' was to his wife and to his children second. That means financially, emotionally, and physically. He didn't outright abandon us but he saw or supported us when it did not interfer with her plans or financial priorities.

That did not sit well with either of us.

My brother has a tepid relationship with both my dad and stepmom. I'm much more forgiving and to keep the peace I decided to just look forward. As such my dad admits that he did not have much to do with raising us and has told me privately that he regrets that and wishes he had been a better father. But he does not say it in front of her as she can be very defensive.


My stepmom thinks she has a good relationship with me but the fact is that she constantly throws up in my face what a difficult child I was (yes I had some resentment and was a moody teen but I was never rude or outright nasty to her and my dad has supported that) and how hard it was to be a 'stepmother'. For his sake I tend to ignore that and just change the subject but yeah it ticks me off and one day I might just have to remind her of her part in the bad relationship my father has with his children, but that in turn would put my dad in a bad place and I just bite my tongue for now.

I don't think about myself as being bitter, but I do resent the evolution of our relationships and if my dad dies first I don't plan to have much of anything to do with her, other than basic well being stuff that I feel I should do to honor my dad's commitment to her.

AS an aside: My parents had a very civil divorce. When my dad did not "have" the money for child support my mom let it slide. If he did or did not want us according to the schedule she was flexible. Neither one of them bad talked the other and they still are cordial and friendly when they meet today.

 

[Colleen27]

As others have said, I think it is an abandonment issue not a step-parenting issue. My brother and I had/have a lot of resentment towards our father for similar reasons - moved out of state, barely kept in touch - and he never remarried or had any other children that we know of. He just moved on with life without us. I think having a second family puts a different "face" on the abandonment, because every time Dad isn't there for a milestone there's the thought in the back of your mind that the other set of kids have him there for their birthdays/graduations/baseball games/band concerts, but in either case it is the abandonment that causes the problems to begin with.

 

[mckelvey72]

WOW, I was just talking about this same issue. So here is our story....

My boyfriend has a kid are an early age and she is now 22.
He married and had a kid who is now 13. He divorced when the child was 2.
We have been together for 8 years and have a son who is 7.

The 22 year old feels the resentment and it all started with a Disney trip last year. She was very mad that she never got to go to Disney as a kid. And well she has right to feel that however she was mad at me!!! And I didn't start dating her father until she was 14. I got pregnant and we had our son so the timing, not to mention finances were not right for us to take a big trip like that so it never happened.

Now the 13 year old...she was 4 when i started dating her dad and I did everything in my power...and still do...to make sure she does not feel slighted since her dad and I have a biological kid together. We do all of our big trips (to the beach, Disney etc) together and on holidays and normal day life, she gets equal to her brother. I make sure of that.

Now i have to admit...if the house caught on fire, my first instinct would be to get my son. I love both of them but the biological connection is something you can't break. But my step-daughter does not see nor feel this in any way.

The timing of our Disney trip last year was 2 weeks after my son's 6th birthday. I let him have the birthday button when we got there but we didn't use it to "celebrate" in Disney. I knew I would never celebrate my step-daughters birthday in Disney (her b-day is August) so I didn't want her to feel slighted so we didn't celebrate my son's in Disney. Yes, it takes effort to be equal...did I want my son to have a birthday in Disney...YES....did I want my step-daughter to feel a loss that she never celebrated at Disney...NO. So that was the end of the story.

 

[Social Worker Sue]

From my own experiences, it is very difficult to watch your father move out of your home, marry another woman and then start a new family. It is not natural. It is not fair.

I feel so sorry for my 12 year old self I pity "her" when I think that "she" cried at night because her daddy didn't live with her, but tucked other children in bed at night. Just awful when you really think about it.

I blamed my step-mom. She didn't love me the way she loved her own children. She didn't make me feel very welcome when I was in HER and my father's home. She tried, I suppose. But I knew she really didn't care about me.

Now as an adult, I blame my father. What a weak man to move out, start a new family and think I could be a Weekend Child. What a weak man for not putting his foot down and allowing me to have a bedroom at his home. I was always reminded that it was my half-sister's room. My step mother had a room for her wrapping paper And I didn't have my own room at my father's beautiful home.

Divorce is not good for children. Having children with somebody you don't really love and are not committed to is an epidemic that really destroys those children. And marrying and starting "new" families doesn't always help the family.

Step children almost always get slighted.