Do people really still think like this???

[cheermom1]

This line of thought is completely unreasonable BUT I know why a woman would adopt these ideas:

Thinking this way removes all blame from the husband, and she can go on thinking he's the sun, the moon, and the stars. If she accepted that he was a cheater, she'd have to be angry with him.

And thinking this way removes all blame from herself. It wasn't that she failed to keep him interested, failed to notice what he was up to, put other things ahead of him, etc.

And it puts the blame solidly on an outsider. An evil woman -- all sorts of names are available for her. If the other woman is the target of the spurned wife's anger, then she doesn't have to accept that anything's wrong within her own family.

Note: I'm not saying that this line of thought is acceptable or correct in any way. But I do understand the idea of pushing blame on the wrong person to avoid pain.

I can see that ..I don't know if he has cheated on her or not ...but what I do know is that both of their older kids that are out of the house will not have anything to do with at all..they grew up with this mentality and they had to wear long dresses, no make up and made to believe the man was god period, plus he moved them out to the boonies..now to make this clear they were NOT pentecostal or anything..I never met his family so i don't know what they are like..I also know that they tell everyone they met at church when they really met at a bar ..I found this out by accident, my cousin and I were talking and it was mentioned that they met at a bar and she said no they met at church and I said my parents said they met at a bar ...so my cousin ask my gma and she said no they met at a bar ...I felt bad but you know that's what happens when you lie..

I think they are in some fantasy world or something??

 

[MrsPete]

The blame should go to an outsider if they knowingly get invovled in your life. A stranger makes no vows to me, but does that give him the right to rob me, rape me, beat me? He made no vows to me or promises to me. Does that give him the right to get involved in my life?

Read again. Read the whole thing.

I'm not defending this thought process; rather, I'm explaining WHY some women think this way. It's a convoluted, irrational way of approaching a bad situation . . . but some people will find it less painful if they can blame an outsider.

It makes me think about a time when my daughter was 4 and had a little boyfriend at daycare. One day they were playing in the sandbox, and he threw sand in her face. So she maliciously threw sand into the face of another little girl who happened to be nearby. When I came to pick her up, the day care folks told me what had happened, told me that she'd been made to go into the office and sit on the green bench. I punished her again at home.

But now I'm getting to the important part: I asked her to explain herself, asked her WHY she had hurt the other little girl. She said in her sweetest, most innocent little voice, "But Mommy, I couldn't throw sand at Hunter."

She was hurt. She wanted to lash out. But she couldn't hurt the little boy she liked so much. It wasn't rational in any way.

Some adult women whose husbands have cheated behave the same way: They do not want to admit that their husbands did anything wrong, and it's much easier for them to "throw sand" at the other woman. Not being 4 years old, they should know better . . . but many don't.

 

[FireDancer]

I am of the opinion that the fault lies with the cheater, regardless of the sex. While whomever the third party is knows better, and hopefully down the road they will get payback via Karma, it is up to the married person to not stray.

Whenever I hear the excuse that they "weren't getting something they need from the marriage" I just laugh to myself. If that is true work on it or end it but don't use it as an excuse to cheat.

 

[cheermom1]

I am of the opinion that the fault lies with the cheater, regardless of the sex. While whomever the third party is knows better, and hopefully down the road they will get payback via Karma, it is up to the married person to not stray.

Whenever I hear the excuse that they "weren't getting something they need from the marriage" I just laugh to myself. If that is true work on it or end it but don't use it as an excuse to cheat.

Exactly

you need to work on it or end it....I also think that if people think the way my aunt does they shouldn't try to make others feel the way they made me feel either by telling me that it is my fault if a man whistles at or or anything like that b/c trust me I do not have the intent to make guys fall over me when i leave my house ...I don't think most people think like that anyway ...they have always been like this and I don't think they will change ..I mean we are talking about the same people who also told my dad that his name is evil ..I am serious not making this stuff up ..they changed one of their kids names b/c they said it was evil too...

Like I said I think they are in their own fantasy world..

 

[binny]

I dont know anyone who thinks like that either.

I always tell DH he has nothing to worry about Ive spent the last 17 years getting him the way I like him I dont have the energy to try that with another man

 

[FireDancer]

Exactly

you need to work on it or end it....I also think that if people think the way my aunt does they shouldn't try to make others feel the way they made me feel either by telling me that it is my fault if a man whistles at or or anything like that b/c trust me I do not have the intent to make guys fall over me when i leave my house ...I don't think most people think like that anyway ...they have always been like this and I don't think they will change ..I mean we are talking about the same people who also told my dad that his name is evil ..I am serious not making this stuff up ..they changed one of their kids names b/c they said it was evil too...

Like I said I think they are in their own fantasy world..

If they saw someone writing with their left had would they insist on an exorcism? I kid you not we had a member who sat down with one of our loan officers and when they saw she was left handed insisted they get a new loan officer. Apparently somewhere it says that people who are left handed are agents of the devil. It sounds like the kind of people you are describing.

 

[cheermom1]

If they saw someone writing with their left had would they insist on an exorcism? I kid you not we had a member who sat down with one of our loan officers and when they saw she was left handed insisted they get a new loan officer. Apparently somewhere it says that people who are left handed are agents of the devil. It sounds like the kind of people you are describing.

YES!! I don't know where in the world they get these things from ....they would go back and forth with tv is bad no wait it is good no wait....same with christmas is bad no wait it good....I remember when we were kids they had us watch a video and wanted us to convert to their way of thinking ...thank goodness my parents always believed in talking about things like this with the whole family instead of just saying ok this is what we will do...we ended up taking a vote and we it was a big fat NO!! I remember telling him that it looks like to me that all they do is twist things into working for them hence the back and forth they would do with holidays and tv, make up, clothes everything ..it was all about at that moment if it benefited them it was good if didn't it was bad...

I ahve say I'm very thankful my parents didn't buy into that crap!

 

[mouseforcemom]

Personally I've always thought it takes two to tango. No one is forcing the guy in the example, no one is forcing the woman. Free will and all that. If the woman knows the guy is married then she shares equal blame. But, I would never render the man not guilty because of some "scarlet woman" idea. Ludicrous.

 

[okeydokey]

Um... no, I don't know anyone who's ever voiced that opinion.

So, all things being equal, that means that if *I*, as the wife, were to have an affair, then it's not my fault? That my husband drove me to it, and the other man lured me away?

Sorry for laughing... I just couldn't even imagine up that scenario...

Now, I do keep teasing my DH that I wouldn't mind if he gets me a sister-wife (can you tell we watch Big Love?). He always replies with "He** no! Are you crazy? That means getting another MIL too!". Smart man.

I think Dr. Laura has, but I think she's a kook.

 

[disykat]

A good friend of mine was cheated on a few years ago and she STILL blames the other woman. While she has been able to forgive her husband and move on, she HATES the other woman. I think part of this has been the only way she could forgive her husband - by making him a victim of the other woman.

 

[bettymae1121]

Whenever I hear the excuse that they "weren't getting something they need from the marriage" I just laugh to myself. If that is true work on it or end it but don't use it as an excuse to cheat.

ITA...but...

At the same time, if there ARE problems in your marriage and you put your head in the sand rather than try to work on it...then don't be oh so shocked when you find your spouse has cheated. You aren't to blame that they cheated, that's totally on them, but you can't sit there and say you didn't see the warning signs and failed to address it either.

 

[luvmy3]

ITA...but...

At the same time, if there ARE problems in your marriage and you put your head in the sand rather than try to work on it...then don't be oh so shocked when you find your spouse has cheated. You aren't to blame that they cheated, that's totally on them, but you can't sit there and say you didn't see the warning signs and failed to address it either.

I would be shocked because in that case I would expect my dh to end the marriage, not cheat.

 

[Robinrs]

A good friend of mine was cheated on a few years ago and she STILL blames the other woman. While she has been able to forgive her husband and move on, she HATES the other woman. I think part of this has been the only way she could forgive her husband - by making him a victim of the other woman.

Exactly! Otherwise SHE would be the fool and she cannot put herself in that position in order to survive lying next to him!

Some women put themselves in the position to blame the other woman to defend their own actions. It's so much easier to deal with.

 

[NY Disney fan]

But now I'm getting to the important part: I asked her to explain herself, asked her WHY she had hurt the other little girl. She said in her sweetest, most innocent little voice, "But Mommy, I couldn't throw sand at Hunter."

She was hurt. She wanted to lash out. But she couldn't hurt the little boy she liked so much. It wasn't rational in any way.

Throwing sand at an innocent party is completely irrational. Throwing sand at the woman who slept with your husband is completely rational. Trust me. Your analogy was poor.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I certainly don't feel this way and neither do my female friends.


I reserve the right to go nuts on both the cheater and the cheatee (i.e. the girlfriend.) Any wise woman should know or at least suspect her boyfriend is married and so I would lay at least some blame at her feet, too.

 

[Disney Doll]

Here are my thoughts"
~ I do not condone cheating for any reason. If you are unhappy with your marriage, fix it by telling your spouse you are unhappy and want to go to counselling or end it by telling your spouse that you are unhappy, have no desire to try and fix the marriage and you'd like a divorce. I do not think there is an acceptable excuse or reason for cheating.
~ If my husband were ever to cheat, I would absolutely lay the blame for his actions squarely at his feet. He had a choice, he could have made a different choice. He chose to cheat.
~ I would not absolve the Other Woman from her part of the responsibility, however. My belief is that you don't knowingly get involved with someone who is married. My other belief is that if you unknowingly get involved with someone who is married, when you find out they are married, you get immediately uninvolved. And yes, I have BTDT...not with a married man, but with an engaged man. Didn't know he was engaged when our flirtation started, when I found out, I told him to stop contacting me.
~ I've never understood why someone will get involved with a married person and then be all excited when they leave their spouse. Why get excited about "winning" someone who has proven that they will cheat. What kind of prize is that? Conversely, the spouse gets a cheater...a person who has no problem heloing someone cheat. Actually, two people with no integrity...a match made in Heaven...they can spend the rest of their lives worrying about each other and whether they are being faithful.
~ A leopard doesn't change his spots. If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

 

[MrsPete]

I think Dr. Laura has, but I think she's a kook.

Anything she says is bound to be wrong!

Throwing sand at an innocent party is completely irrational. Throwing sand at the woman who slept with your husband is completely rational. Trust me. Your analogy was poor.

No, it's a good analogy. A boy hurt her, and she immediately forgave him but lashed out at another girl. It's exactly what some grown women do.

So you're in favor of holding the woman reponsible? Assuming she knew he was married, I can't see that.