Do other SAHM feel obligated to babysit....

[Eeyore'sthebest]

They want you to go through all this so the DH doesn't have to get home around 5:30? Give me a break! Your DH is right! You are not their Childcare solution. Do not let them guilt you into anything. Also, before school care can cost between 35-100.00 per child per week depending on what you use. If they push it, you could always offer to do it for a fee, if you were up to it.

I was thinking the same thing. WAAAHHH, the DH gets home at 5:30 p.m. Heck I leave home at 5 a.m. and get home on a good night at 7 p.m. Tell them to stop whining and suck it up.

And if they really push, I agree with getting paid for it. I believe $150/week would be in order. That's a nice cushion of $600/month for you.

 

[golfgal]

I never felt obligated but I certainly willingly helped out some neighbors because we were friends. If I didn't want to do it I just didn't offer. Why don't the neighbors with the job issues just drive the kids to school on their way to work?

 

[kacaju]

I will say, I think you put yourself in a bad position where you are offering to help out one person, but are not willing to help out another. Your friend has mentioned to the neighbor how she feels bad *putting you out* and how you are saying it is no big deal, yet you are not willing to help out the neighbor, who you have helped out in the past.

I do feel you need to do what is best for you and no, as a SAHM you are not obligated to help out the neighbors with childcare.

I was just wondering if other SAHMs feel this way and what you do.....I have three elementary school age children. I used to drive them to school in the morning because I didn't want them to have to sit on the bus for 50 minutes. The bus route changed this week and it now picks up 40 minutes later. This actually works out better for me because now the ride is only 10 minutes. I have a friend that was bringing her two kids to my bus stop because her stop picked up too late to allow her to get to work on time. With the change, my stop is now the same pickup time as hers. I offered to have her bring her kids at the earlier time and I would put all five kids on the bus. This way, she will not be late to work. I really do not mind because we take turns dropping/picking kids up at various activities. She feels as if she is imposing, but I told her I honestly do not mind. The kids are quiet and well behaved.

Now, I also have a neighbor with two kids that take the bus. The change to the pickup time is not convenient for her as both husband and wife work and original time allowed them to be on time. I am friendly with our neighbors and the kids play together. I have in the past watched her kids on different occasions. For one whole school year I watched her oldest because he had half day kindergarten and she needed someone to watch him for an hour until she got home. I have never asked her to watch my kids.

Anyway, for the last couple of days she has been complaining about the bus situation when I see her. She cannot be late to work, so her husband has had to wait with the kids. If he goes in late, he has to make the time up at the end of the day. It's an extra half hour. I felt as if she was waiting for me to offer to put her kids on the bus. I kind of made it like a joke that mornings are hectic enough getting my own three ready and now I have two more, I can't get seven kids on the bus... I honestly don't want to deal with 7 kids for 40 minutes every morning!

Today she tells me that she heard my friend might put her kids on at an earlier stop (friend said she did mention it to another mom because again she feels like she's putting me out). She wants to know if that happens, can I take her two kids?

I have no problem helping people out, but I really feel like this is asking a lot. My husband works a job that requires late hours. I work part time from home at night...not ideal but it works now because I do it around my kids. I have made the sacrifice of two incomes to be home while they are young. My husband said to not be guilted into it and I am not their child care solution. He said to let her husband do it and get home a half hour later (from 5 to 5:30).

Any other SAHMs feel like the built in babysitter just because you are home.

If you've lasted this long...thank you...just don't know if I'm being petty.

 

[Imzadi]

If you are looking for an easy out, what kind of car do you drive?? If something made the kids miss the bus, could you transport all of them to school? It might be a good reason to give as to why you can not do it instead of saying "I dont want to!"

NO! Don't give reasons or excuses. People who take advantage of other people and are pushy eat people pleasers. They will just knock down any excuses or reasons given.

OP, you'd better think in advance what you are going to say, or she will put you on the spot. She knows from past experience that you've helped her. You've taught her how to treat you and look at you as a free handout. she won't get why her kids just can't take the place of the other two. Especially if that mom wasn't paying you anything. She will ask for a reason why you can't do this so she can knock it down.

If anything, say, you've discussed it with your DH and if this other friend backs out, you & DH have decided not to be taking care of other kids in the morning. This way, it's on DH. You can continue to be the people please, and for some vague reason, it's Dh's fault.

 

[minniebeth]

I will say, I think you put yourself in a bad position where you are offering to help out one person, but are not willing to help out another. Your friend has mentioned to the neighbor how she feels bad *putting you out* and how you are saying it is no big deal, yet you are not willing to help out the neighbor, who you have helped out in the past.

I don't necessarily agree with this~ there are some people I'm more willing to help out than others. There are some people that I know I'll have a balance of reciprocity with at some point in time, and then some I know that will just take advantage of my kindness. Just because I help one friend, neighbor or family out doesn't mean I have to help everyone to make it fair and balanced.

OP, I think you already knew in your gut what you felt about the situation and just needed to hear it reinforced here, which I'm glad that you got the responses I was going to say about it, that it shouldn't become your burden to help your neighbor out.

I can understand your situation, I am a SAHM, and the leader of a Brownie and Cadette Girl Scout troops. I feel like many times the parents expect me to be a built in babysitter, carpooler and beyond. I even had one parent ask me to plan an all day outing for Brownies on an teacher in-service day when the kids didn't have school so she didn't have to find childcare for her DD for the day.

 

[hentob]

I will say, I think you put yourself in a bad position where you are offering to help out one person, but are not willing to help out another.

Really? She is an adult. She can chose who she wants to do a favor for and who she doesn’t.

 

[DawnM]

I have been a SAHM for 5 years now. I have never been asked to watch anyone else's kids other than very close friends, and then, it is only a one time deal!

I would NOT offer to do what your neighbor expects.

I also don't particularly care for young kids.....there is a reason I taught high school! I love my own and I tollerate their friends, but overall, I am not a little kid person.

Dawn

 

[dispor]

Today she tells me that she heard my friend might put her kids on at an earlier stop (friend said she did mention it to another mom because again she feels like she's putting me out). She wants to know if that happens, can I take her two kids?

I am curious - what exactly did you say when she point-blank asked you this?

BTW, I think she was waaaay out of line to pursue this once you had told her no in the first place. You tried to keep your "no" light and not make her feel bad for asking, etc. and she obviously can't (or refuses to) pick up on your cues.

 

[luvmy3]

It sounds like the dad has no problem pushing his shift back the half hour so that's what he should do. It shouldn't be a big deal for him at all, he starts work 30 minutes later, and stays 30 minutes later. What's the problem???

Exactly!

I am a SAHM and I never feel obligated to help, but I would offer if there was no possible way something else could be worked out. OP, in your situation the parents have an option, they may be inconvenienced but so what, that's life sometimes!

 

[tlbwriter]

As a WOHM, I would never have the cojones to do what this woman did. Of course you can do a favor for a good friend. That doesn't mean you owe that same favor to someone else just because she lives nearby! It would never even occur to me to try to take advantage of a SAHM neighbor like that.

When refusing a request, it's often best not to say why, because it gives a pushy person something to argue against (and believe me, this is a pushy person you're dealing with, but I'm sure you already know that). If you tell her they won't all fit in your car, she'll say they don't need to wear seatbelts. If you tell her it's too hectic, she'll say her kids won't add to the chaos. Etc. Just say "Sorry, that won't work for us." But you did it for Friend! "Yes, I know." Don't argue or justify. Just say no.

 

[minniebeth]

When refusing a request, it's often best not to say why, because it gives a pushy person something to argue against (and believe me, this is a pushy person you're dealing with, but I'm sure you already know that). If you tell her they won't all fit in your car, she'll say they don't need to wear seatbelts. If you tell her it's too hectic, she'll say her kids won't add to the chaos. Etc. Just say "Sorry, that won't work for us." But you did it for Friend! "Yes, I know." Don't argue or justify. Just say no.

That's great advice, I totally agree with it. Now if I can just implement it!

 

[kathmzh]

I am one of the few SAHM's on my neighborhood (I also work from home P/T) and had to stop answering the phone in the half-hour before the bus pulled up in the afternoons -- one day I got three calls from mothers looking to get their kids off the bus because they were running late. I agree with the majority -- you are not obligated to help them out. They have a VERY workable solution, better than most people have. I've come across her kind before...stand your ground. If the other children don't end up coming, and she asks again, just tell her it really wasn't what you wanted to do anyway, so it's for the better.
did she give you your cake pan back, at least?

 

[Bren's Mom]

I'm a full time WOHM, my dh works full time as well. Currently, ds's bus pickup time is super convenient for us. But if that changed, and one of our SAHM neighbors children was at the same bus stop I *might* ask her to watch ds from the time we needed to leave for work until the bus pickup BUT I would offer to PAY HER for her time. I would never ask her to do it for a favor if it was a regular basis thing. Our afterschool care provider charges $5 per hour. That's what I would off, $25 a week, for the SAHM neighbor's services.

Once in a great while (like once a year, or twice a year) I might ask for a favor if I had a super early meeting or somethnig, but only if we were very friendly and I would offer to watch her kiddos on the weekend in return.

 

[okeydokey]

Stick with the "I can't help you" and offer no more information. You are under no obligation to explain yourself.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Her DH will get home a half hour late? Boo hoo! So many people would love to have even that flexibility! It should be a non issue for her. The kid is on the bus and her DH can work it out at his job. How many people would actually do cartwheels if they or their spouse actually got home from work at 5 or 5:30? Most people I know don't get home until 6 or 7 and they go in at 7 in the morning. I would just tell her that it just won't work for you. If she says "well you watch Mary's kids" say "yeah- it's just not going to work for me" You don't owe her an explanation.

 

[PrincessMommy2]

OP here....again thanks so much for all the responses. As one person mentioned, I really did just need some reinforcement. I know what I want to do, I just have to put my big girls pants on and tell her! Someone wanted to know what I said when she asked me if I could take her two if my friend's two stop coming. I did not really answer her...I just said something about feeling bad that my friend feels like she has to find an earlier bus stop so she does not make my mornings crazy. (a little background: my DH works from 9-8 most days, so all transporting to/from of kids to school/activities is up to me. My friend's kids and mine do a lot of same activities. We split carpool to different activities. It really has been a lifesaver as the kids get older and do different things)

Someone else mentioned how I can be willing to help one but not the other. The difference is in one case I am helping my friend who would help me if I was in a jam. In the other case, I want to stay friendly with my neighbor because neither one of us is planning on moving in the near future. We live on a small street in a small town. And, like I said she is pretty nervy...how about someone asking you if she could go through your boxes of children's clothes to TAKE anything good before you put them out for your yard sale? Yup, she really did.

Someone else suggested they just drop the kids off at school on their way to work. They were actually using that 50 minute bus ride as their before school daycare.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

I have learned over the years of staying at home to just say "no that won't work for me" and let it go. In my early years as a SAHM I felt badly for the working moms and would help. I got taken advantage of so many times! I also like to please people and would not say no. My fault there. I found myself feeding kids dinner between school and practice before I took them to practice. Basically keeping them all evening! You would not believe (well actually you might) the requests people made! Saying basically since you are home why can't you....... drive to and from school, drive to practice, let them stay with you until I get home from work, the store, happy hour......

I now work 1/2 time and just tell people we don't car pool. Ever. I don't ask them and I don't want them to ask me. Sounds awful I know but I am so much happier! I just don't need the stress of it being sometimes yes and sometimes no and having to stand up to the ones like your neighbor.

 

[PlutoPony]

One other thing to consider - how will you handle this on days with delayed school openings because of weather? Are you willing to keep a boat load of kids in your house for a couple hours on those days?

Think about how you'll answer those phone calls NOW before the first one comes

 

[hentob]

And, like I said she is pretty nervy...how about someone asking you if she could go through your boxes of children's clothes to TAKE anything good before you put them out for your yard sale? Yup, she really did.

I would have no use for this woman. I would be vaguely pleasant to her. Nothing more.

 

[wgwtgb]

My neighbor is a SAHM and I have NEVER asked her to keep my kids. I would not feel guilty at all!!!