Do housewives ever retire?

[lisaviolet]

This is not to disregard your frustration OP, at all.. But do know none of your work is in vain. And has tremendous importance. My parents are both gone. My mother had work outside of the home, later in life. But all she did for us, is what I hang onto in both memory & appreciation.. Even when I didn't always appreciate it in the moment.

And without giving too many intimacies away, my father's focus was on just that as well, when he was palliative. I am not sure he expressed it all before that time period.

And you know what? I am single without a family of my own or children- not by choice on the latter - so this is not a patronizing count your blessings at all. But again do know how much these moments you are experiencing & that you are producing for everyone - husband, children, grandchildren and beyond - do mean in life.

(I do realize I am way off topic, but.....)

 

[QueenIsabella]

You’re right. My husband is just like his dad was. He never did anything around the house except mow the grass. Never helped with chores or did any cooking. My MIL did absolutely everything for him and she worked full time herself for 25 years plus she had 2 grown sons who lived at home until into their 30’s. They never did anything to help her either. I don’t think the man ever made himself anything to eat. The first time I had dinner at their house I noticed they he never asked for anything to be passed to him. He’d just stare at the dish until somebody asked him if he wanted more. Strange. I got married at 19 and pregnant 4 months later. Couldn’t afford childcare so was a stay at home mom for 15 years until I started working little part time jobs here and there. I was babysitting neighbor kids too. It does seem like my whole life has been nothing but taking care of people. I’ve never had any self esteem so just figure this is my life. We rarely go anywhere or do anything. All my friends have moved away. I’m in a rut. I feel guilty asking my husband to help cause there’s no excuse for me not doing it. I’m not doing anything else. Just tired of doing the same thing day after day. Sorry for the pathetic vent.

I mean this in the nicest possible way: therapy might help. Not because you're whack-a-doodle (although you might be, we don't know... ), but to help you find yourself. It sounds like you've spent decades caring for others, losing yourself along the way, bit by bit. If someone asked you what YOU wanted--not what was best for others, not what you can afford, what YOU wanted--could you answer? Do you get something for you, even a little, now and then?

I think as moms and spouses, we can end up just doing what's best for everyone else. I don't tend to cook what I like, I cook what the family will eat. When we go on vacation, DH packs for himself, and I pack for the family. Not everyone's clothes and toiletries, at this stage, but I'm the one who remembers sunscreen and a sewing kit and OTC meds. OTOH, I have an elaborate craft room. People can go in there, of course--they know who to see if they need tape or a safety pin or some markers. But, it's my space, and I can do what I want in there, and DH turns a blind eye to still more craft supplies showing up. He knows what's good for him! Everyone needs something like that--time at the gym, time in the garden, time with the book club. Something.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Honestly, if your husband is working full time and you aren't (please accept my apologies if I have that wrong ) and is coming home to cook most of the time, then you are very fortunate.

lol sounds just like my father-in-law's wife who is stuck in the past (not saying you are just describing how she is). Last time we were around my father-in-law and his wife she again pounded in the audacity that my husband does his own laundry to which he really didn't want to blow up at her but was like "because I can??" when he really wanted to say he's a darn grown up. We got up and left and he laid into her to back off and quit her judgmental thoughts (at least out loud). He's tired of hearing that crap as I have been for years. It's not about the cooking, that's far too easy of a point.

As I said lot of background stuff goes on which was was the case even when I was pulling 40 hours. When you only focus on very visible stuff you miss a lot of stuff. As with the OP the people around her are missing the things she does. So am I really fortunate that my husband does most of the cooking? (although not the planning, nor the getting the ingredients listed out, etc) Or am I more fortunate that my husband appreciates in the end the things that which keep our household running? If you ask him he'll gladly do the cooking when I do primarily everything else in the household, not to mention keep up on when we fertilized, or other lawncare stuff (because he's awful at memory lol). Although he does in an odd but tedious way enjoy the lawncare who knew someone could get so excited about sprinkler heads. Although when he was on assignment (which was just shy of 2 years split between several years) I took care of it all, neighbors were quite surprised we didn't hire out lawncare (I think it's more the neighborhood that made people think that).

Maybe we should be reframing the phrase "you're very fortunate", why should I feel very fortunate because of cooking? Oh no not the other stuff that goes on in a household, not the things that goes on in a relationship (as I am the one who takes on all the mental tasks in the relationship husband is bad at memory) but because he does the cooking. Missing the forest for the trees there.

**I know you mean well though

This is likely a generational thing. The OP is quite a bit older than you and has a spouse raised in a different time, so she is pushing up against a very different set of common expectations than younger women today are dealing with.

If you saw my subsequent comment (which you pulled the above quote from) you'd see it doesn't have to be "a generational" thing. Women in my generation are still at times held to whatever standards people think. Sometimes it's cultural, sometimes it's just how people view women's roles irrespective of age and while that may harken back to generational thinking it is something that still happens now. There was a meme I saw in early August pertaining to the issue that was up for vote in KS (you know the issue) and gosh was it perfect. I can't find it now sadly.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You’re right. My husband is just like his dad was. He never did anything around the house except mow the grass. Never helped with chores or did any cooking. My MIL did absolutely everything for him and she worked full time herself for 25 years plus she had 2 grown sons who lived at home until into their 30’s. They never did anything to help her either. I don’t think the man ever made himself anything to eat. The first time I had dinner at their house I noticed they he never asked for anything to be passed to him. He’d just stare at the dish until somebody asked him if he wanted more. Strange. I got married at 19 and pregnant 4 months later. Couldn’t afford childcare so was a stay at home mom for 15 years until I started working little part time jobs here and there. I was babysitting neighbor kids too. It does seem like my whole life has been nothing but taking care of people. I’ve never had any self esteem so just figure this is my life. We rarely go anywhere or do anything. All my friends have moved away. I’m in a rut. I feel guilty asking my husband to help cause there’s no excuse for me not doing it. I’m not doing anything else. Just tired of doing the same thing day after day. Sorry for the pathetic vent.

It's not pathetic at all it's just how you feel which you're absolutely allowed to feel that way.

There's I think a difference between "no excuse for you not doing it" and not feeling appreciated. There are many couples out there where one takes on the just about all the tasks but if they feel appreciated it can completely change the way their life is. And when you feel appreciated you often feel more comfortable speaking out when you'd like a tad more help. Note I'm not trying to say that's how you feel (not feeling appreciated) but I just get the picture that you haven't really thought about how all this makes you as a person feels. Yes on a surface level you probably have but I do agree with QueenIsabella about the therapy perhaps helping you find you, in all of this that has been the life. It's never ever too late to find oneself and sometimes who we are just simply changes with the passing of time. Now that your husband is retired maybe it's all just a bit too in your face how all the years are just catching up to you

 

[daisylovesdisney]

My husband who retired in May after working 40+ years at the same job mentioned to me today that I’m retired now too. What? I’m still doing the same crap I’ve been doing for decades. Cleaning the house, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking practically every night, cleaning the kitchen, washing all the dishes by hand, errands, paying the bills. Not to mention babysitting grandchildren 50 hours a week up until they were finally all in school full time 3 years ago. I still watch them 2-3 days a week in the summer. Plus I worked full time myself for several years. I told him I don’t get to retire until I’m dead.

You’re right. My husband is just like his dad was. He never did anything around the house except mow the grass. Never helped with chores or did any cooking. My MIL did absolutely everything for him and she worked full time herself for 25 years plus she had 2 grown sons who lived at home until into their 30’s. They never did anything to help her either. I don’t think the man ever made himself anything to eat. The first time I had dinner at their house I noticed they he never asked for anything to be passed to him. He’d just stare at the dish until somebody asked him if he wanted more. Strange. I got married at 19 and pregnant 4 months later. Couldn’t afford childcare so was a stay at home mom for 15 years until I started working little part time jobs here and there. I was babysitting neighbor kids too. It does seem like my whole life has been nothing but taking care of people. I’ve never had any self esteem so just figure this is my life. We rarely go anywhere or do anything. All my friends have moved away. I’m in a rut. I feel guilty asking my husband to help cause there’s no excuse for me not doing it. I’m not doing anything else. Just tired of doing the same thing day after day. Sorry for the pathetic vent.

You don't need an excuse not to do it, he should contribute to running the household as much as you do. Honestly I'd just write up a grocery list and tell him here's what we need this week, please go sometime today. If he asks for a sandwich tell him that sounds good, I'll take one also while you're at it. Make plans for the day for something you enjoy and go do it. He'll manage for himself that day.

If your friends moved away can you make plans to go visit them or meet up somewhere in the middle? Make some new friends in town? Join a community center, garden, club? Getting out of the house and around other people will make a big difference.

What are his hobbies or activities out of the house he enjoys?

 

[mom2rtk]

lol sounds just like my father-in-law's wife who is stuck in the past (not saying you are just describing how she is). Last time we were around my father-in-law and his wife she again pounded in the audacity that my husband does his own laundry to which he really didn't want to blow up at her but was like "because I can??" when he really wanted to say he's a darn grown up. We got up and left and he laid into her to back off and quit her judgmental thoughts (at least out loud). He's tired of hearing that crap as I have been for years. It's not about the cooking, that's far too easy of a point.

As I said lot of background stuff goes on which was was the case even when I was pulling 40 hours. When you only focus on very visible stuff you miss a lot of stuff. As with the OP the people around her are missing the things she does. So am I really fortunate that my husband does most of the cooking? (although not the planning, nor the getting the ingredients listed out, etc) Or am I more fortunate that my husband appreciates in the end the things that which keep our household running? If you ask him he'll gladly do the cooking when I do primarily everything else in the household, not to mention keep up on when we fertilized, or other lawncare stuff (because he's awful at memory lol). Although he does in an odd but tedious way enjoy the lawncare who knew someone could get so excited about sprinkler heads. Although when he was on assignment (which was just shy of 2 years split between several years) I took care of it all, neighbors were quite surprised we didn't hire out lawncare (I think it's more the neighborhood that made people think that).

Maybe we should be reframing the phrase "you're very fortunate", why should I feel very fortunate because of cooking? Oh no not the other stuff that goes on in a household, not the things that goes on in a relationship (as I am the one who takes on all the mental tasks in the relationship husband is bad at memory) but because he does the cooking. Missing the forest for the trees there.

**I know you mean well though


If you saw my subsequent comment (which you pulled the above quote from) you'd see it doesn't have to be "a generational" thing. Women in my generation are still at times held to whatever standards people think. Sometimes it's cultural, sometimes it's just how people view women's roles irrespective of age and while that may harken back to generational thinking it is something that still happens now. There was a meme I saw in early August pertaining to the issue that was up for vote in KS (you know the issue) and gosh was it perfect. I can't find it now sadly.

Oh, believe me, I know how much stuff goes on in a household. It explodes when you have kids. I've done it all while working full time, while working part time and while working from home.

As for the generational thing, I'm just saying that for people of a certain age, it can be a high hill to conquer. Because of the way both the men and women were raised. Old habits indeed do die hard.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Oh, believe me, I know how much stuff goes on in a household. It explodes when you have kids. I've done it all while working full time, while working part time and while working from home.

As for the generational thing, I'm just saying that for people of a certain age, it can be a high hill to conquer. Because of the way both the men and women were raised. Old habits indeed do die hard.

I agree on both points. I just wish we could adjust how we view things because when we use things like "you're so fortunate" or "you're so lucky" all we do is reinforce old mentalities. If we want the viewpoint to change (IF being the main word) we should try to see things in a different light.

 

[tcufrog]

A friend of mine got fed up with her husband and son not helping out so she went on strike. She did stuff for herself but not for them. She said it was very effective.

During the lockdown, my DH worked from home and he drove me nuts. His attempts to help meant our broom/coat closet is full of different floor cleaning gadgets he bought. His following me around offering to help when I just wanted to be left alone to do something drove me so nuts I bought him a boat-building kit for Father's Day.

That being said, he is quite willing to cook dinner, clean our cars, clean the floors, and do whatever I ask him to do around the house such as fetch the dirty laundry so I can do it, fold the sheets, etc.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Ask your retired husband to help out around the house.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Think of it this way. When your husband was working, you were sort of “equally busy” - him with his job, and you running the household, raising children, caring for grandchildren, etc.



The scales have now tipped. He isn’t working, yet what you’ve been doing hasn’t changed.





Time to even out the scales again.




When DH and I first (borrowing a phrase from @barkley) began ‘cohabitating’, we were both fairly busy. He was rising in his career and I was still in school and getting started with my own. Crazy busy time. We just equally pitched in for whatever needed doing, and we’re still doing it pretty similarly 40 yrs later. There were times that one of us had a heavier load, but it was usually transient when something was happening, like an illness or transition. We call it a tag team. I mean, I still might not be 100% happy with the way he cleans out the fridge or misses some dog hair when vacuuming. And he might get irritated that I came home and forgot to bring the barrels in (and they were blowing in the roadway) or I didn’t refill the Keurig water when I drank the last cup (not true, really, lol, but he says it all the time) and that’s natural any time people live together, I think. But generally we both get the job done and then we can both sit and relax a bit. That was important to me in life because I watched my mother pretty much do it all and felt it was unfair.

You can take baby steps - it doesn’t all have to change tomorrow - but you should try to cut back a bit (since you’re retired now!) and let your husband pick up a bit at the same time. If he doesn’t want to do it, he doesn’t have to, but neither do you, either. Just let it go, then. But hopefully he can see something needs to give, and now that he’s not working, he can do more with you around the house. Good luck!

 

[starry_solo]

Some do, some don’t

 

[BayouQueen]

We are kind of going through this adjustment as well right now. It's easy to say just make him do more, but honestly, DH isn't too interested in household stuff, so he just does things "quick and dirty" to check it off the list and say he did it. And then I get irritated.

I've come to the conclusion that the only way for me to not feel put upon is to hire the necessary household help to take the burden off. It's worth giving something else up to budget it in. I never expected that to be necessary for two older retirees with no messy kids in the house, but...dinner is still expected every night, all those sport and workout clothes need to be washed, and I do like a clean house.

 

[mefordis]

I'm a stay at home mom, been out of the work force for 14 and have my oldest in college now. I do want to get back in the work force but still have a 14 year old who so I'm looking for some thing from home.

But yeah, you seem to keep yourself very busy and not my idea of retirement. My parents retired and just sat around with each other, watching tv and doing leisure activities That doesn't sound like you at all.

 

[AndreaA]

When you watch the kids, where are you watching them? How can he think you’re “retired” if he sees you either going off every day or wrangling kids at your place. I suggest you make him come with you or participate at home with the grandkids. If you don’t, then you need to give him a list of things to do while you are gone all day. Stop being a doormat and make yourself happy, or settle down with being unhappy and don’t bother whining about it. Choice is yours.

 

[mom2rtk]

When you watch the kids, where are you watching them? How can he think you’re “retired” if he sees you either going off every day or wrangling kids at your place. I suggest you make him come with you or participate at home with the grandkids. If you don’t, then you need to give him a list of things to do while you are gone all day. Stop being a doormat and make yourself happy, or settle down with being unhappy and don’t bother whining about it. Choice is yours.

Many men of that generation think women watch kids because they enjoy it, because it’s fun. They’ve never done it for an extended time so really don’t understand the work that is involved. Or that’s the story they hide behind. It’s certainly a convenient thought process.

 

[Minnesota!]

You’re right. My husband is just like his dad was. He never did anything around the house except mow the grass. Never helped with chores or did any cooking. My MIL did absolutely everything for him and she worked full time herself for 25 years plus she had 2 grown sons who lived at home until into their 30’s. They never did anything to help her either. I don’t think the man ever made himself anything to eat. The first time I had dinner at their house I noticed they he never asked for anything to be passed to him. He’d just stare at the dish until somebody asked him if he wanted more. Strange. I got married at 19 and pregnant 4 months later. Couldn’t afford childcare so was a stay at home mom for 15 years until I started working little part time jobs here and there. I was babysitting neighbor kids too. It does seem like my whole life has been nothing but taking care of people. I’ve never had any self esteem so just figure this is my life. We rarely go anywhere or do anything. All my friends have moved away. I’m in a rut. I feel guilty asking my husband to help cause there’s no excuse for me not doing it. I’m not doing anything else. Just tired of doing the same thing day after day. Sorry for the pathetic vent.

This made me so sad for you.

I agree with others - search out therapy, find your way to YOUR life, not THEIR life.

If it makes your husband uncomfortable - oh well. It sounds like you have spent your life being uncomfortable for him and your kids.

 

[mrodgers]

I wonder if this is a generational thing. My son-in-law does most of the cooking in his & DD's household. They have a cleaning service.

Of course it's generational. My grandparents' generation, the man worked and the woman stayed home and took care of the house.

My parents' generation was similar, but more women were in the workforce. The term latch-key kid came up, which were the kids that came home to an empty house because both parents worked. I don't know about all over, but this was not common around me. Common was still dad going to work and mom cleaning the house and making dinner.

Now my generation grew up and everyone worked as soon as they got out of high school or college if they didn't go to military. Some had kids and one parent stayed home but most were happy with their increased income and a daycare raising their children. Or they were fine with putting the burden on the grandparents. We also changed our eating habits to match no one home to cook by eating out a lot more, whether it is restaurant, fast food, or sandwich shops. That was unheard of when I was a kid, going out to eat was a treat.

It's not roles that are changing, it's the dynamics of who is home and when that has changed.

 

[Sinder]

I prefer the term homemaker or maybe home maintainer instead of housewife.
I take care of everything that needs to be done on a regular basis including mowing and yardwork.
Dh takes care of fixing things and car maintenance.
I suspect when he retires he'll take over the mowing but that's about it. I'm Ok with that, I've been doing things my way around this house for 20+ years I don't want him screwing things up.

 

[HeatherC]

Ehm... you weren't expecting it, but apparently your children are expecting you to work more than a fulltime job. You are not just a housewife to your husband, you are running a daycare center as well. What would your children have done if you didn't want to quit your job back then. Be honest: you have 2 jobs.

It is time to start talking to your children and think about other solutions. You are getting older, you want time for yourself, time for your husband now that he is retired. And it is time for daycare center Grandma to scale down.

You don't have to stop babysitting indefinitely but scaling back your hours should be on the table. You and your life matter. Do you have hobbies, things you would like to do if you didnt have a 50 hour job?Did your husband and you ever discuss what you would do when he retired?

Otherwise the answer is: housewives don't retire and neither does Daycare Center Grandma.

I think some people actually “enjoy” this. I know a couple people who take care of their grandchildren by choice but also like to let everyone know they do it. NOT saying OP is like this, but some are. They need to feel needed and responsible for others.

If OP wants to change things, then she needs to have a serious discussion with her kids and give a timeframe where they will need to have other plans in place. But she may, at the end of the day, enjoy it enough not to cut back.

 

[Ms.Minnie]

DH and I retired from our office jobs twenty years ago. But there is still the daily upkeep of the house, cooking, cleaning, etc. We’re a team and split the chores, including cooking and cleaning. He does the heavy stuff like floors, windows, lawn work, snow clearing. We’ve never looked after the grandkids full time, but have helped out occasionally, and had fun sleepovers.

This is us! DH and I are a very good team. Nobody (unless you can afford to pay for someone else to do all the work) ever gets to completely retired. There is always going to be housework, cleaning, laundry, yardwork, maintenance to the home, shopping, cooking, etc. to be done. My DH and I do the grocery shopping together and it's an enjoyable outing for both of us. Some nights I cook, some nights he cooks and some we cook together, teamwork. I do the laundry and cleaning, I don't want DH doing the laundry, he will help out by running the vacuum if I ask him and sometimes, he helps me put the clean sheets back on the bed. He does most of the yardwork, but I do help out with that once in a while. In the end we work together, and we are both happy.

As far as childcare goes, that's on you. We have sleepovers with our grandchildren, and we enjoy them, but we don't do daycare.