Divorced w/ kids = one week at each parents house *LONG*

[Mishetta]

I have no advice to offer you since I have not (nor hopefully ever will) experienced your situation.....I just wanted to wish you well & send a big ((((((hug)))))) your way.

What's happened to this world anyway? Boyfriends, girlfriends, kids with this one, kids with that one....what a mess! Some families have just turned into one big stew in a crockpot! I sooo hurt for everyone involved here.

Now I think I'll get on my knees & pray that this situation will never apply to me.

Hang in there!

 

[CRB#33]

Originally posted by MICKEY88
the courts set a primary residence based on years of doing it this way..recent studies show that equal custody is best for the children, but it depends on how the parents handle it.

I haven't read those studies.

why is it selfish when a father wants to spend time with his children/ but not selfish if a mother doesn't want to give that time because of not wanting to be alone...

You're right here when you put it that way. And I do believe the original poster put it that way also. So I would say that IMO, both parents are being selfish.

I truly believe that the best thing for children is to have one primary home. Especially at this age. The whole divorce is conflicting enough without having two sets of rules, two sets of everything on a weekly basis!

Every other weekend has got to be difficult for a dad/mom who loves his/her kids, but unless the parents are going to agree on how the children should be raised, it is going to be a huge conflict for those kids to change rules every 7th day.

And in many cases, one of the reasons for divorce was that they couldn't agree. Split arrangements will only make that much worse and young children will not get it.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by bigsis1970
I will have exctaly 19 to my name at the end of each month to pay for groceries, oil for the house , and car insurance if he cuts his child support in half if its gone compeltly then I will be negitave over $300 . not to mention I won't be able to my half of their sports activities with out getting a second job . I make consideralby less then him. I could never make it on one income - and trust me I don't spend any extra unless its birthday's , school shopping or christmas as even as of right now there is hardly any extra . . Michellel

I feel your pain on this one.....child support and alimony left me with a negative cash flow,,and that's not factoring in money for food..
and unfortunately I couldn't get a second job, because if I did, my ex could ask for more money,,if I then lost the job I'd still have to pay the extra, because they very rarely lower support, due to loss of income...

 

[faithinkarma]

why is it selfish when a father wants to spend time with his children/ but not selfish if a mother doesn't want to give that time because of not wanting to be alone...

I think the "selfishness" was in going to the kids behind the mother's back. He had agreed not to do this but did it anyway. Placing the children in the middle of this dispute is IMO selfish.

 

[CRB#33]

Things are not that way anymore in Pennsylvania.

My ex husband owns a home, a summer home and many other nice things.

In Pennsylvania, he pays support based on my "potential" income and his income. My "potential" income is put at approximately $45,000 more than I actually make. (This is because I am only a substitute teacher) I am fortunate enough to other people helping me out and a wonderful new husband. My ex makes over $75,000 a year and pays $75. per week per child. He owns his own business and makes much more "under the table." I can't touch this!

We weren't married that long, so alimony has long not been part of the equation.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by CRB#33


I haven't read those studies.

the studies are out there...when my divorce hit I researched and read everything I could find, in the hopes that I would make as few mistakes as possible..I made most decisions based on re-occuring thoughts in different studies and different books,,,many times it was difficult doing what I had read,,rather than what my reactions to situations told me to do..

from what I read most decisions are still based on the archaic thought that fathers can't be good parents, but with time and education of judges....custody will be split more evenly in the future

 

[bigsis1970]

Thanks got the PM Bedknobbery2 and sent one back

I was the one who said " I " was selfish for not wanting to be alone - I don't think I said he was ..

my son is very close with his dad and yes I know that someday they might want that very thing and that kills me .. and my DD is very close with him too .. he left when she was 5 and Ds was 2 so she remembers everything about him living with us and when he left she cried for months and months just like he was dead and she would never see him again and we would get up in the middle of night and have to call him oh it was awful to listen to her - and I know that it must have killed him as he is a good dad. I sometimes feel like I got all the hard stuff and he gets to reap the easy stuff .

Thanks for the hugs and prayers I have to leave now but will be signing back on later this evening and will be at home - I am sure shedding tears in case my spelling isn't correct I appoligize upfront .

I am so glad there is a place I can come to and get the support I so despretaly need right now . Thanks all..
Michelle

 

[Keli]

Michelle,
I would not do this right away if I were you. I'd think about this long and hard and nobody would rush me into a decision. Because it's much harder to stop this sort of thing later if you ex is happy and you aren't. And quite frankly, that's exactly what I think your ex was trying to do in telling the children before he had discussed it with you. He's trying to pressure you into agreeing and I wouldn't let it work. Take it slow, talk to your attorney and a councilor if you have one to see what ramifications there will be to agreeing with this arrangement.

Also, since this would so drastically change your style of living I would seriously consider that. You will have to move to a smaller home, probably in a less desirable neighborhood, and how good for the children would that be? And how far away from your ex would you have to move in order to find something that meets your new budget? You need to find out exactly how much less the ex intends to pay and then find a new home that meets that budget BEFORE you agree to this, otherwise you will end up in a mess.

This might be a great idea but there's no way I would try it until I had all my ducks in a row. There's too much at stake if it doesn't work out to try it unless you have totally prepared yourself.

 

[CRB#33]

Mickey88, please edit your post. You have made your entire post a quote from me. Only the first line is my quote.

Thanks.

And as far as any study on divorce and effects on children, a person will probably be able to find anthing that suits their specific idea. Studies are a dime a dozen anymore.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by CRB#33
Mickey88, please edit your post. You have made your entire post a quote from me. Only the first line is my quote.

Thanks.

And as far as any study on divorce and effects on children, a person will probably be able to find anthing that suits their specific idea. Studies are a dime a dozen anymore.

I'm sure a person could do that,,but I didn't..I read everything I could,,and I've already stated I didn't go for custody, so I obviously wasn't looking for studies to back me up..

 

[mcnuss]

I sometimes feel like I got all the hard stuff and he gets to reap the easy stuff .

I think that's the lament of most custodial parents. By having his children with him more, he won't be able to get away with this so much.

For all the people jumping to conclusions about child support, I think you are scaring the OP needlessly. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Depending on what kind of a man this is, he may continue to pay the OP as she is now being paid. My dad paid my mom until my DB was 21 yo even though the court would have let him stop at 18. He felt that my mom was maintaining the home for my brother while he was in college and that he should help her. So you never know.

You should talk to your lawyer and a counselor and this should not be entered into lightly. You mentioned having used a mediator in the past, which says to me that you had a pretty collaborative divorce process. You can avail yourself of this option again. Just don't jump into anything. There are less extreme options than this one if that's what you want. You both have rights and a professional can help you see more clearly.

As for the people who say kids should have just one home, I say "hooey". Kids are way more adaptable than we grown-ups are. I've seen every kind of custody arrangement and while none of them is perfect, what matters most is that the parents can co-parent effectively after a divorce.

 

[CRB#33]

Sounds like you're a good dad.

 

[poohandwendy]

Before anything else, I would sit down with him and have an honest talk about your concerns. I wouldn't automatically assume that he has underlying deceptive motives. It sounds like you both love the kids and are trying to do what is best for them.

Then, if you both feel comfortable with the result of the talk, I would do it on strictly a trial basis and then see how it goes.

I don't agree with him mentioning this to the kids without discussing it with you first, that would be part of the 'talk'. I truly hope you both can come to an agreement that works for all involved. I get the feeling, that bottom line. that is really what you want.

As far as being lonely if they have more time with him, use it as an opportunity, not a setback. Use that time to organize closets, get things done that are hard to do with kids in the house, get out there and have some fun with your friends, take a class...at least, that is the attitude I would try to take.

 

[MICKEY88]

I'm so confused....it seems that everyone against joint custody..is basing it on emotions or finances...

why does the father not deserve equal time with his children...????

as for finances..how does that equate to what is best for the children..it sounds like what's best for the person with primary custody
having grown up with limited finances,,I'd take quality time with 2 loving caring parents over money any time...

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by CRB#33
Sounds like you're a good dad.

who is this referring to

 

[CRB#33]

Originally posted by MICKEY88
who is this referring to

You Mickey I haven't read with a microscope, but I think you may be the only dad on this thread

BTW, in my case, my ex left from 6:30 in the morning until almost 6:00 at night. I parent, transport, bathe, clothe, clean, cook and was a stay at home mom. When he got home, it was all fun and games.

Still is with him.

That's why it's better that I got primary custody.

 

[mcnuss]

Originally posted by MICKEY88
I'm so confused....it seems that everyone against joint custody..is basing it on emotions or finances...

why does the father not deserve equal time with his children...????

HEY! Not me!! I just say move with due care and don't rush. I think if a father wants equal time and is a good parent, go for it. Creative solutions to custody problems are the key; one size does not fit all.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by CRB#33
You Mickey I haven't read with a microscope, but I think you may be the only dad on this thread

BTW, in my case, my ex left from 6:30 in the morning until almost 6:00 at night. I parent, transport, bathe, clothe, clean, cook and was a stay at home mom. When he got home, it was all fun and games.

Still is with him.

That's why it's better that I got primary custody.

thanks...I did...still do my best...my daughter is 22..and just called to see if I'd be home tonight, she 's coming down for dinner.....she and her mom fight all the time now....

I made mistakes..but when I knew that I did I talked to my daughter about it and apologized....

 

[MICKEY88]

oops...time to go home and make dinner..will check in here later...

 

[poohandwendy]

At the risk of being flamed....

You mentioned that as it is, you have $19 left after the bills are paid now, and that you risk losing another $300 if your support is cut in half...
MAYBE, this idea is a blessing in disguise. Maybe, you could use this time to further your education so that you could be open to a better job opportunity? I hate to say it, but eventually, you will not be receiving child support at all. I would be planning for that day.... today. As a single mother, you probably would be eligible for educational grants. Maybe your ex will make an agreement that in return for more visitation, he will continue the full support for a bit longer so that you can get a better job?

Just a thought... I mean no harm, but I would be concentrating on the financial situation, especially if things are as tight as you say.