Divorced w/ kids = one week at each parents house *LONG*

[bigsis1970]

Hi all - I am having a huge debate with my EX .. he wants the kids ( DD age 10 and DS age 7 ) to live with him for one week and me the next and so on and so on .. I am opposed to this .. I know this will sound selfish I don't want to spend 7 days all alone in my great big house !! He only lives 15 minutes away and he has them every thursday night now and every other weekend plus he calls to get them other times too and he takes them for 2 full weeks a year on camping trips - he also goes to all the sporting and school events helps coach their Baseball/Softball/Soccer and Hockey teams . I feel like he thinks I am doing something wrong or am not a good enough parent. He has a girlfiend and she had 2 boys ( ages 11 & 8 ) so my DS has a blast on his weekends there and sometimes cries when its time to come back to my house and that makes my EX feel bad. She is very nice to my kids and treats them fairly but still I am their mother and its my job to see the day to day things , I can't help but feel I will be left out . To make matter worse he has already talked to the kids and they want to do , so I am feeling like I really don't have a choice ( oh and also he said he is not paying support those weeks he has them only the daycare bill ) I am sorry this is sooo long .. I need to find a really big hole and crawl in and have a good cry - but alas I am at work !
Please if you have made it though this or attempted to do this can you shed a little light ..
Michelle

 

[floridafam]

Do you have an existing custody agreement on paper?

Go by what that says.

It sounds like things are pretty good between the both of you.

Explain to your kids that you are their mother and you feel it is best to leave things the way they are. Is there a specific reason that the kids want to do this? Do they think it will give them more freedom from homework or something?

What challenges do you think this will bring to them?

Hang in there. Everything will work out.

 

[bigsis1970]

I think that because its all fun and games on the weeekned that is how they might think its gonna be during their week there.. and they like to make my EX happy . they do what he wants cause he isn't there 24/7 like me

yes we do - it says one week night and every other weekend . I don't really want to drag it back into court because like you said we do have a good relationship - altho this is putting a wrench in it .. It should be something we can work out together

The challenges I see are behavor issues with my DS - he doesn't deal all that well with change . I just don't know how they are going to get 4 kids to do homework and school activities in a night ( 6th grader , 2 4th graders, and 1st grader ) they all have their own rooms so I guess it would be ok and my DD is starting puberty - I want to be the one who tells her all about that and is there .. you know what I mean .

Thanks for listening - chatting - helping Michelle

 

[SilverLily]

I can understand missing your kids while they are gone, but IMO your ex has every right to have an equal amount of time with them. He is their parent also!

 

[Pop Daddy]

Originally posted by bigsis1970
Hi all - I am having a huge debate with my EX .. he wants the kids ( DD age 10 and DS age 7 ) to live with him for one week and me the next and so on and so on .. I am opposed to this .. I know this will sound selfish I don't want to spend 7 days all alone in my great big house !! He only lives 15 minutes away and he has them every thursday night now and every other weekend plus he calls to get them other times too and he takes them for 2 full weeks a year on camping trips - he also goes to all the sporting and school events helps coach their Baseball/Softball/Soccer and Hockey teams . I feel like he thinks I am doing something wrong or am not a good enough parent. He has a girlfiend and she had 2 boys ( ages 11 & 8 ) so my DS has a blast on his weekends there and sometimes cries when its time to come back to my house and that makes my EX feel bad. She is very nice to my kids and treats them fairly but still I am their mother and its my job to see the day to day things , I can't help but feel I will be left out . To make matter worse he has already talked to the kids and they want to do , so I am feeling like I really don't have a choice ( oh and also he said he is not paying support those weeks he has them only the daycare bill ) I am sorry this is sooo long .. I need to find a really big hole and crawl in and have a good cry - but alas I am at work !
Please if you have made it though this or attempted to do this can you shed a little light ..
Michelle

long post

 

[faithinkarma]

He should never never never have spoken with the kids until a decision had been firmly made. That is simply bad parenting, not someone who has the kids' best interests at heart.

I feel like he thinks I am doing something wrong or am not a good enough parent

Hang in there. You know in your heart you are right. Don't allow anyone to make you feel unworthy to have your kids.

And you would not have to drag him to court. If he wants to change things, he would have to initiate any action.

 

[mickeyboat]

My suggestion is to agree to it on a trial basis. Set a time period after which you and your EX and children seriously evaluate the success of the experiment. Are they getting their homework done? How is their behavior? Address all of your concerns.

My guess is that the newness will wear off. Your EX can't always be "fun daddy." The new girlfriend may not enjoy taking on the responsibility of two more children, the children may start fighting. Everyone may agree to return to the original arrangement.

In the mean time, it will give you some time for yourself. You may enjoy foregoing the role of mother on a temporary basis. You could take a class, join a gym and spend more time with friends, get those projects done you have been putting off. I am often jealous to a certain extent of my divorced friends who have time to get their shopping and housework done while the kids are at their father's house. Then when the kids are with them, they spend more time interacting with the kids rather than cooking and cleaning, etc.

Who knows, this may turn out to be the best arrangement posibile. Your children are lucky to have a father who takes such an interest in their lives. Not all children of divorced parents are so lucky.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

Denae

 

[DemonLlama]

If you live close enough, I might want to give this a trial period and see how the kids do. Spending thime with their dad for "real" (homework, chores, expectations) might be a very good thing.

Try not to focus on your being alone for the off weeks, but find something you've always wanted to try that you can't because of childcare responsiblities, and dive in!

I don't think you have to worry about missing DDs needs/discussion, since as MOM, you will be the one she's most comfortable talking to, rather than Dad.

I know it wasn't right of hiim to discuss it with the kids beforehand, but I've been known to "think out loud" about something my kids get excited about before talking it over with DH.

Best wishes that everyone can work it out amicably!

 

[Pop Daddy]

many long post

 

[bigsis1970]

silverlilly - you have a point too . yes he does have rights as a parent but we decided with the mediator when he left that the kids would be better off with me .

faithinkarma - no he shouldn't have and he did say to me that he would never use them to get what he wanted but then in his next breath he said that they wanted it and when I asked how they knew to even think about it and he said well he told them that he was gonig to ask me if I wanted to do and of course they were all excited - so guess he is using them ..

Anyone tried doing this or is doing it ? Michelle

 

[floridafam]

I agree, he shouldn't have said anything to the kids yet.

Yes, he does deserve time with them and maybe even equal time but the best interests of the children come first.

IMO, one week back and forth is too much moving around. You said your son doesn't handle change well then maybe this isn't the best thing for him.

Whatever you do, keep communicating like you have been with your EX and with your children. This may be a tough time but you will all get through it.

You really don't have to do anything other than what the agreement says. If you start changing things around and then he stops paying support for certain times then everything may just blow up.

Come to a decision about what is best for the kids and then have it put in writing so noone gets hurt.

 

[bigsis1970]

mickeyboat & DemonLlama
Thanks I think that is what will happen because he told them already .. I feel out voted and that makes me the angriest because even if I do have ligit points of concern they will resent me for saying no .. Thanks again

 

[floridafam]

Make him aware that you feel bad about being kept out of this.

You are the mother. You should have been the first person consulted about this, not the last.

Just keep the great attitude you have.

Have you thought about maybe one more day on the weekend with their Dad?

Remember, even though your children may want this, they may not realize that it won't be all fun and games.

 

[frannn]

My ex was granted visitation every other Thurs and the weekend, ending Sunday mid morning. I was kind enough to give him every Thursday instead of every other (did not change the agreement in writing, of course) because he wanted more time with them. He has not worked in years, and we agreed on him watching the girls (10 and 14) evry day after school instead of paying extra child support for after school care while I work. He actually tried to use that to get the judge to lower his child support- and he is only paying (when he does pay) 50. week (if I remember correctly-I hardly ever get it on time). The judge said that I am being very nice and cooperative, but that doesn't lessen his responsibility. They still reside at my house.
My opinion, from personal experience, it that a full week at one house, and then the other, etc, is too disruptive for the children. They have to keep two sets of rules in mind, and a week is a long time for the kids. They will constantly get used to one thing, then be switched to another house. My ex is not the worst dad in the world, but he leaves a lot to be desired in the rules, discipline, stability, and and impression depts. When I get the children back on Sunday, I often have to "deprogram" them to get them to leave the choas at the door. For example, no foul language is allowed here; but they use it there.
As long as you keep the children's best interests at heart, you will make the right decisions. I would listen to your ex and try to determine if he is just trying to avoid paying child support for the days he has them. If he provides more than half of their care, he may provide a good argument to take them off his taxes as well.
I have learned to take advantage of the times the kids spend the night at his house. I have a DD1 with my DH, and I spend quality time bonding with her. (but I was a single mother for about 4 years after my separation)

 

[faithinkarma]

I actually have a lot of second hand experience with these arrangements, having worked in daycare or schools most of my life.

In the cases I saw first hand, a one week on one week off situation simply never worked out. It would help if I could tell you why, but it is hard to put your finger on as each case is different.

Perhaps it is because it is difficult for a child to survive in two worlds where the rules are different. It could be that they need the stability of one home being their primary home.

I am sure there are cases where this arrangement worked out fine. But it takes a lot of maturity on the part of the parents and a willingness to put the child's welfare first.

By speaking to the kids behind your back, your ex showed he is not mature enough to handle the situation to the kids' advantage.

 

[tkd lisa]

As a child of divorced parents, I hope that you can work this out. Given that you live relatively close to each other, I would recommend that you try this out for a set period of time (I'd suggest at least 9 weeks, to find out if school work is affected, and make sure that the newness has worn off), then re-evaluate. I suggest you sit down with your ex and work through how this trial effort would occur, then together explain it to the kids.

As far as the support, what your ex is suggesting is what I have seen occur. If you have the child, you pay child care, but you don't pay child support. If the custody is shared, no one pays child support, and all bills are shared equally. The logic behind this is that if you have the children, you are bearing the expenses associated with them (food, shelter, etc.). For things like clothes, extra activities, etc. they are split 50/50.

I agree with demonllama that your DD will probably approach you about personal things. She'll have as much opportunity to ask you as to ask her dad, and most girls are more comfortable with mom.

 

[MICKEY88]

I've read numerous studies that show that the every other week custody is good for the kids..it's actually less disruptive than a few nights or weekends a month..

it doesn't matter how you split the time..they will still have to learn 2 sets of rules, the greatest success ocurs when the parents can sit down together and come up with a set of rules that they both can live with just as they would if still married and living together..and enforce the same rules at each house..


rather than looking at it as him questioning your parenting, be thankful that he is a hands on Dad, he sounds like he loves his children and wants to spend as much time with them as possible..

in all fairness if he's a good Dad, he and the children deserve this time together..


use the time for yourself, spend time with friends,,,find new hobbies..whatever....

my ex did all she could to keep my daughter from me,,not because I was a bad Daddy,,but because she was threatened by the closeness I shared with my daughter..

now that my daughter is a beautiful 22 year old lady....my ex is constantly complaining that she has no life of her own because she was always burdened with my daughter...

 

[mcnuss]

I think you need to take a second and put yourself into your Ex's position. They are his kids, too, and I suspect that the way he sees it right now, you get a disproportionate amount of time with them. Many custodial parents lament that the non-custodials do not share in the real parenting responsibilities - the day-to-day stuff, like homework and doctor appts,etc.. They get to be the fun parent.

So here you have a guy who wants to take on more responsibility with his children. Shouldn't we applaud him for this? Maybe it's true that when he left, you agreed on something different. But circumstances do change, and perhaps he's seen that he should be more involved. I don't think you should see that as a reflection on you. Should he have spoken to your kids about it like that? Probably not. But maybe he wanted to see how they'd feel before he broached it with you, he probably figured you'd say no outright and was looking to bolster his argument.

The bottom line question is what's in the best interest of the children, not the best interests of either parent. Going back & forth weekly is hard. We have some friends who did this and it was not ideal for the children. However, we have friends who in similar situation ended up modifying their agreement (amicably) so that now Dad has the kids every other week from Fri. after school until Tuesday am, and the "other" week, they are with Mom until Sat. evening so she gets some weekend time with them. This works well for their family, but it mainly does bc Mom saw the Dad's renewed interest in spending time with the kids as a postive indication.

I would look for some kind of compromise arrangement.

 

[4greatboys]

I wouldnt do it. I think its to disruptive also. It looks like you are already very flexible in your arrangements and give him even extra time than whats in the court order.
I wouldnt cave in just because he already told the kids, he was wrong and Im sure he knew it was wrong to say anything when he hadnt even spoken to you about it.
I would just simply tell him the arrangement you have now works very well and you would like to keep it that way.
Good luck on your decision.

 

[mickeyfan1]

I have a very good friend who has this arrangement. His ex wife lives close enough that the kids can go to either house after school. He has 3 kids, and they have done this for about 5 or 6 years. They have the same basic rules at each house as far as homework, video games, play time, etc.l I t has worked very well for the most part, until the ex got a live in BF and a new baby. Then the boy (who was 8 at the time) began having lots of behavioral problems, and ended up staying full time for about 6 months with my friend. The BF has since moved out, and they are now back to the every other week arrangement. I think the arrangement is not for everyone, but it could be worth a try. Because your kids seem to see their time with their father as a lot more fun, as a previos poster said, they may change their minds when they have to do "regular" stuff.

No matter what happens, I wish you the best of luck.