Divorce ????

[Sandy V.]

A little bit of information for you to tuck away . . .

This crap about quitting his job and finding something that pays less so he doesn't have to pay you very much can backfire on him.

If your husband has a long history of being gainfully employed at or near a certain salary, and then he suddenly "loses" his job or takes another one with a much lower rate of pay, you could successfully argue in court (or in negotiations before that) that he is deliberately underemployed to avoid paying the rightful amounts of child and spousal support.

If you have recent pay stubs or deposit slips of his, please keep them. Just in case . . .

Good luck, and I'm sorry that you're going through this. I agree with everyone who said to get as much paperwork as you can. You never know when you're going to need it.

Edited to add - The courts really look to see WHY someone would change jobs in this way. There are rare instances where there are legitimate health reasons or downsizing as to why someone would take a lower paying job. But most of the time, they see through the smokescreen.

 

[shelbyjosh]

I can't thank you all enough for the responses and PMs you have sent. This would tear my kids up if both of us weren't here. DS has "withdrawls" when I am gone for more than a few hours. Always greets me with an "I missed you, Mom" and I couldn't handle him (and DD) being gone without me. Even though I am a SAHM, I am always busy. This week is the last week of DDs ice show rehearsals. Today is the only day we have off. I do a lot of running around not to mention the incidentals that need to be done. I don't get a lot of time to myself. I have a hard time just sitting down and relaxing. I think that there are more important things that could be getting done. I am one of those that can't sit still. I don't want to make a decision I will regret later.

BTW--I handle all of the bills, banking, etc. He has no clue what goes out every month. He does know that all the bills are paid and there is always play $$. He doesn't know where any of the tax stuff is kept. He doesn't look at the bank statements. I have a little $$ tucked away. Not much but enough. I have a MC and AmEx in my name only. I think he only has 1 MC with no balance. When I consulted with the attorney, she told me that when I came in to retain her, there would be certain things I would need to bring (docs). He now knows that I saw her last summer. He is very hurt that I went that far. I told him I had questions that needed answers. Do you believe he had the nerve to ask me what we talked about?? I did not disclose that info. So, I would think if he is really that serious about it, wouldn't he have asked me for some of the docs that he would need? He doesn't know the kids SS#, where the marriage license is, etc. These are all things that he would have to ask me for.

 

[niks81]

I just want to say you should also think about what not getting a divorce could do to them. Sometimes not getting a divorce makes it far worse for the kids.

Sure divorce hurts, but there are times when staying together can cause a lot more harm.

I agree with this. As I stated previously, divorce can be a wonderful thing, and for others it can be a terrible event. You really don't know until you go through it. Those that posted comments about how it hurt them probably had a very nasty encounter with it. I can sympathize, because my parents had the Burt and Lonnie divorce of the century LOL I've lost track of how many times we had to go to court over stupid things! It's frustrating and it interferes with your life.

Having said that....yeah, we went through a terrible divorce. Many years of pain, tears, court battles, arguments....it goes on. But it was truly the best decision. Had my parents stayed together I think we would be a miserable bunch. We went on with our lives and we are happier because of it. There are so many ways to touch on this subject....I'm not a big advocate of staying together "just because" and arguing, fighting, and demonstrating a complete lack of love for each other to your children. I am an advocate of going to counseling to try and rekindle your feelings for each other, talking out your problems, etc.

In the case of the OP, she was hit once--that's one time too many.

 

[Lachesis00]

If there is abuse of any kind going on, I can not back this statement. While I understand the intact family. I can't imagine harm done to those who stick in it for the kids...

Originally posted by Antonia

If you could see some of the sad things my older niece has written in her journal, you would cry. Her teacher does cry when she reads it. My nieces long for an intact family.

If I were you, I would do everything in my power to work it out and save your children's family. It is something that can never be replaced.

 

[poohandwendy]

Yeah, I can't get past the abusive part either. Maybe if he were willing to accept that he has a problem and wanted to try to seek help. BUT, abuse is not only a fatal problem for a marriage but a HORRIBLE atmosphere for kids to be raised in.

 

[floridafam]

Your son sounds precious. It pains me to think of him missing you. He sounds like my DH was when he was younger. DH's parents divorced and DH moved up here to MI with his Mom and sister.

Maybe just taking a day for your family would be a good idea.

Do nothing else-no school activities, no skating, no TV, etc. Have everyone commit to that being a family day. Maybe you can find that closeness that sometimes takes a backseat when families get busy.

I know sometimes families are on the go all the time. The Mom starts spending more time with the kids than with her husband. This happens a lot in marriages. I'm not saying this is your situation.

In no way do I pretend to know the answers. Just trying to offer some suggestions.

Good luck. You will be in my thoughts.

Keep an open mind but don't allow yourself to be intimidated by threats. This may be the only way for your DH to express himself (when he said he'd get a lower paying job.)

Give your kids a hug and hang in there.

 

[shelbyjosh]

He refuses to do therapy. HE has no problems...they are all mine. I am the one who went to a psychologist on and off for almost 2 years! I asked him several times to go and he stood his ground. The counseling thing is out of the question. I wonder what a mediator or judge would think of that?? A lot of effort on his part, huh?? He knows the verbal stuff bothers me and how I hate it in front of the kids. He says "what do you want me to do when I get upset"? I told him to go in the basement and scream in a pillow!! I would never call him dumb, stupid, ignorant. That is just not who I am. He also adds on vulgar words to this.

 

[floridafam]

I keep thinking of things.


If your children saw him hit you, then they may understand (on some level) your desire to explore divorce. I don't mean you should tell them but if it does come to that or if they pick up on tension, they might actually understand in some way.

 

[Sandy V.]

I also thought of another thing, too.

You said you do all of the family's paperwork. I think it might be prudent to either store most it somewhere away from your house, or make copies of it and store that out of your house. Maybe at a friend's or relative's house? Safety deposit box?

I only suggest this because even though he may not handle the family finances, there is no reason HE couldn't grab all of this material up and deny YOU access to it.

I really hope that my advice is overreaction and that you two can work it out, but if you have half an inkling that this is the beginning of the end, you really owe it to yourself and your kids to get things together. Unfortunately, marital strife causes people to do wretched things to one another at times.

Again, good luck!

 

[niks81]

He refuses to do therapy. HE has no problems...they are all mine. I am the one who went to a psychologist on and off for almost 2 years! I asked him several times to go and he stood his ground.

Good grief this is taking me back about ten years!

Guess what, he's wrong. Nobody is perfect, but he certainly has a nice share of problems himself with verbal and physical abuse.

Early on in this thread I believe PAW asked the question "What would you want your daughter to do if your grandchildren were going through this?"

Seriously, consider this. Would you want your grandchildren to watch their mother be called names? Would you want them to have to witness her being hit? I'm thinking the answer is no. And you don't deserve it either...you are far better than that.

 

[niks81]

whoops, it double posted

 

[Princess_Aurora]

Originally posted by shelbyjosh
I would never call him dumb, stupid, ignorant. That is just not who I am. He also adds on vulgar words to this.

If this is what he's saying to you, then this is what you need to do......... No need for the smile, just the, see ya later BYE!

That is horrible verbal abuse and if he refuses counseling, it's not YOUR fault. YOU don't have a problem, and please don't ever believe that there's something wrong with you. I mean, just because someone has been seeing a psychologist doesn't mean everything that goes wrong in the world is their fault. I've been seeing one myself and I've had to go on meds, but neither I nor my husband believe that it's any of my fault. Sometimes people just need some help sorting through thoughts in their brain. He shouldn't make you feel bad because of that.

And with that being said and if that is the case, I think divorce is definately going to be the way to go. I wouldn't even stay in it for the kids. The man probably doesn't even know that he's verbally abusing you. Just imagine what he could do to the kids self-esteem in the times of their life when it's going to be low anyway. One kid brings home a C on their report card and he could just totally go off. That's not going to be good for them either. And even when he's verbally abusing you, what are you going to explain to the kids when they overhear that and they ask you why daddy calls you dumb and stupid? What are you going to do when they actually start calling you dumb and stupid too just because they heard daddy say it to you? That's no a good situation to be in and I would get out of there as fast as I could...I'm sorry.

 

[niks81]

If this is what he's saying to you, then this is what you need to do......... No need for the smile, just the, see ya later BYE!

No need for the smile

 

[Octoberbeauty]

Originally posted by Scarlet O
I might recommend a book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. Abusive people are manipulative and usually blame others for their actions. This book may give you some of the language you need to regain control of the situation.

Thank you.

 

[jkovick]

A very dear friend of mine went thru a similar situation. Her Ex had a very good job and she was a SAHM. As long as you are prepared to make sacrifices-- especially financial ones--- you will do fine on your own. My friend work long hours now, and while she gets child support, it did greatly affect her lifestyle. She now lives in a modest apartment with her DS and is enjoying her freedom. (She has told me on several occasions though, that it did not play out how she expected. )
Best of Luck to you, whatever your decision.

 

[niks81]

I'm sorry for your situation Sherry Don't feel bad about "hijacking" the thread....we're all kind of throwing personal experiences in here to help out the OP.

I sent you a PM

 

[DisneyJules]

In terms of children being in a home with parents in a bad marriage or parents divorcing, there really are bad sides to both. I don't believe one is better than the other. I'm just brought up my opinion coming from that one point of view, I've lived it and gone through enough crap to never want another child to experience what I did growing up. No it's not healthy having two parents in a bad marriage, I know that's not good either but I think you have to look at both sides and way their pros and cons.

 

[Serena]

 

[donnajon]

My best friend told me that she knew it was time for her to divorse her husband when she didn't care anymore. She didn't love him, she didn't hate him, she just didn't care. He was extremely abusive to her and had affairs - flaunted them in front of her face. A few months before the divorce he was killed in a car accident - his brother was driving drunk and their father was upset that brother's license was suspended (kind of tells ya something about the family). Anyway, not that we were glad anyone was killed but she is so much better off - now she is a widow of an active duty military person and gets a lot of money for her and her son.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

shelbyjosh, I know exactly what you're going through. Going through it now. Even though my ex and I live apart, he's still controlling me...and it's so hard to deal with.

You'll make it through. Trust me